honeystix

What do you do when the one thing that you desperately want is the one thing that you cannot have?

I got some... interested and not entirely expected news last week. Good news, not bad, and I suspected as much. Something that I'd always thought of as a constant changed. For the better, hopefully. It's just difficult to make sense of it. /vague.

Dan and I are not doing so great. Our 7th anniversary is this Wednesday. This is the first year that I am not looking forward to it. I honestly think that if he were to propose right now, I would say no. 

I wish I had someone to talk to. I have a girls night arranged for tomorrow, which will be good for me. The problem is that neither of these girls are terribly familiar with my situation, so they may not have the insight and advice I need to hear right now. 

I wish Tanya was back already. She knows me so well and is the exact person I need to talk to right now, but she's in the Netherlands for another month. I'm seriously contemplating going to Gabe (my old ex from high school) for a talk, since he knows me pretty well and we're on good terms and he could probably give me good advice too.

In general, my life is going pretty well right now. I have a steady job, can pay the bills, and I just bought a car for the first time in my life. I just have a lot of things to sort out right now, mostly revolving around relationships and changing statuses.

Things here are pretty run of the mill. Work work work. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm going to look into going back to school, or at least look into some programs and find out if i have any outstanding requirements so I can get those taken care of pretty soon. I'm thinking about going back to school for a masters or PhD in psychology so I can be a therapist. I'm pretty sure I need to take a few more psych classes before going on to grad school though.

Tatyana (friend who helped me get the job here) quit work at the cryobank a few weeks ago to start her ultrasound certification program, so that's exciting. We miss her, but Litza and I see her every Wednesday night for a girls only movie night. We're going through the Harry Potter movies now, then we might move on to some other movies our a TV show like Game of Thrones.

I did another Disneyland half marathon at the end of August. I want able to train due to having shin splints, but I still managed to finish in 2:30. Dan did great and finished a whole hour before me, but he was a grump the rest of the day because he depleted all of his energy and reserves, so that was fun to deal with. I haven't run again since then, but I'm planning to get back into it soon. I'm also thinking about taking a yoga class as a way to destress from everything.

I bought a car last week! Well, I leased it. It's a 2012 Mazda3 hatchback, and it is very cute and sporty. It's also fun to drive. My parents are in Arizona right now and are flying in to LAX tomorrow night. I'm going to pick them up and maybe get dinner with them, then they'll drive the Civic back to San Jose so Matthew can learn to drive on it (scary!). I'm looking forward to seeing them -- I haven't really seen Mom since April, and Dad since Christmas time, so even just an hour or so with them will be nice.

I went doing with Dan's older sister on Saturday and bought some super cute things. It was a biannual clearance sale for Pin-Up Girl (lots of retro clothes and Indie designers, very cool). It was kind of a mad house and very crowded, but it was fun and a nice chance to hang out with Sandy. I haven't seen her much outside of visiting Dan's family in general, so it was nice. Plus, I got some super cute dresses.

Things haven't been so great between me and Dan for a while, and I don't know how to fix it. I'm starting to think we may be coming up on the end of our time together, and that makes me sad. I'm starting to make contingency plans so I'm not caught completely unprepared in case we don't make it out of this intact.

Dan's mom might have cancer.

She's been dealing with ovarian cysts for years now. From what I've heard, it's been pretty steady. Then last week she went in for a check up because she hasn't been feeling well... and they found that at least one cyst has grown something like 3 mm or more in 3 months. The doctors are now insisting that she needs to have a complete hysterectomy and have been discussing the possibility of cancer. If it is cancer, I don't know if they've caught it early with all the monitoring in the last few years or if it's been cancer all along and they're only now figuring that out. 

Dan is really worried. He texted me last week, saying "Almost started crying eating a lemon meringue pie. Reminds me too much of mom." Dan never cries. The only times he has cried is when we've had issues in our relationship and he thought he was going to lose me. He's always been very physically affectionate and cuddly, but lately he's been asking me to cuddle him more or saying that he needs me to hug him. He is very much in need of physical comfort right now. 

I've tried to tell him not to worry too much about what's going on; we don't even know if it is cancer yet. I've told him that we should wait to worry until we know if there is something to really worry about. The doctors will do a biopsy of the affected tissue during the surgery on Tuesday, then we should have the results in a few days or hours. I've told him that, even if it is cancer, his mom is a strong lady; she can beat it. 

I feel like it's all just empty words and platitudes. I would be a wreck if it were my mom; I'm already worried enough as is. I don't know how Dan would going to handle an actual cancer diagnosis. And if the worst were to happen, it would absolutely destroy him. 

I hope like hell it's not cancer.

So I talked to Dan... two weekends ago? about this whole getting engaged business. He had to spend all. Damn. Saturday in lab working because some guy was in town, and he was the only person who knew how to do some experimenty thing so Dan had to give up half is weekend and go ~*learn things*~ from this guy and it really should have only taken a few hours but he ended up being gone ALL DAY because the guy actually turned out to kind of suck at this (he kept messing up and having to start over). /rant.

Anyhow, I sat at home all day and got all angsty about our relationship stagnating at the bf/gf stage for SIX YEARS while people that I knew in high school are busy getting engaged and married and going on honey moons and having babies. So I was in a funk when Dan FINALLY managed to escape lab and come home. We went to bed pretty early because we were both tired, and he asked me what was bothering me. I told him what I'd been feeling, that it's not fair that we love each other so much and haven't gotten married or even gotten engaged yet while other people who aren't nearly as good together have. He understands my frustration because there is literally nothing in the world that I want more. 

He feels that he's under an incredible amount of pressure to make it perfect. I have no idea what his idea / his idea of my idea of perfection is. He says he's "working on it," and to wait a little longer because "it's coming." I told him I understand, that I'm frustrated, but the fact that he's thinking so hard about it mollifies me. Some, at least.

I just keep expecting him to ask. I really expected it around the holidays -- December 3rd/4th (late night/early morning) is the anniversary of the first time he told me he loved me. When we were at Disneyland after our half marathon, there were literally at least 3 separate times that I thought he was going to ask. I thought he would ask during our backpacking adventure in Yosemite last month, then again this weekend at Joshua Tree when we were hiking up to Warren Peak to watch the sunset. So you see, I keep getting my hopes up (while trying to avoid it!) only to have them go unfulfilled.

We had another discussion on Sunday night. He repeated the pressure he's feeling to make it "perfect." I told him I had no idea what his notion of perfect was or what his notion of my idea of perfect was. I asked if he thought it was some big, elaborate thing with a really fancy restaurant, etc, etc. He said no. I said I didn't care to have all of my family and friends around for it -- this is a private time for us, there's plenty of time to share with others at our wedding. He breathed an audible sigh of relief and said, "Well that makes it much simpler." So there's that, I guess. 

I ended up telling him that I'd expected it several times already (see above). He seemed a bit shocked that I would have been happy being asked in front of a beautiful view of Yosemite valley with now one around for miles. Or at Warren Peak, since I consider it as special place for us. I did say it would be cool if there were an incognito photographer around to snap some candid video/photos as it was happening, since that's not something you can replace. He seemed more relaxed after that, and we went to bed.

And then this morning I had a dream that we were in some Narnia-esque place. We were walking together, holding hands, when we walked through a shimmering portal into Nice, France. He got down on one knee in front of a quaint restaurant with shimmering white Christmas lights and asked me to marry him. An older French gentleman enjoying desert at the restaurant started taking pictures -- the photographer Dan had hired to catch the moment. 

Then I woke up and had to go to work.




In other news, I've also gotten Baby Fever pretty badly lately.

Originally posted by kitrona at Stop the Arizona birth control Bill

More than anything, I want to get married. I've been with Dan for nearly 6 1/2 years -- over a quarter of my life! -- and I am ready to commit to him. I've been ready for some time now. I've been waiting, and hinting, and all but pushing the subject, but it's not happening. 

I'm so frustrated, but I have no one to talk to about this. EVERY time it comes up in conversation, either with friends or at work, people tell me to stop obsessing about it, "You're still young, you have plenty of time," "Don't push him!" "For the love of god, DON'T ask him!" They make assumptions and put words in my mouth and tell me what to do or what not to do. They tell me marriage is meaningless and there's no point in rushing into it. It's just a piece of paper. 

But it's NOT just a piece of paper. It is so much more than that. If it were really "just a piece of paper," why would anyone ever want to get married? I tried to explain how couples are perceived differently after they marry, that their relationships are somehow deemed more valid than just "boyfriend and girlfriend." The response? "Oh, so you just want people to treat you differently." No. That's not it at all. I don't want to get married for the party, or the gifts, or the big fancy dress. I want all of that, I do. But mostly, I just want to get married to share with the world how very much I love this man, so much so that I vow to spend the rest of my life with him, for better or for worse. I want to get married for what it will mean for me and for him. Our relationship, our love, means the world to me, and what better way of declaring our love than sharing it the world as husband and wife?