My favorite crack theory is "1990 comedy film Kindergarten Cop starring Arnold Schwarzenegger takes place in Silent Hill"

we need fewer songs about falling in love and breaking up and MORE songs about famous disasters of the sea

I can’t remember if I told you guys this but my grandpa paid a guy to put up a rock retaining wall in the backyard when my grandparents moved into their house in 1966. They live at the bottom of a mountain. The wall finally collapsed this year and my grandfather with dementia was PISSED OFFFFFF and he wanted so badly to call the guy who did it and chew him out for doing a bad job. My grandma is trying to explain that the wall lasted 60 years and the guy who did the work is probably dead and it TURNS OUT HE IS STILL ALIVE. Now we’re worried grandpa is going to get through to him (small town) and we’re going to see two 85 year old men come to blows over a rock wall that has been there since the mid-60s. My grandpa is a scrapper, he’s been to jail over a bar fight, the possibility that he WOULD fight this guy is high.

To top it off? The stone mason is the only person in town with one arm so grandpa would definitely recognize him if he saw him. If that is your grandpa, please protect him from my grandpa.

"aren't you tired of writing hurt/comfort?" I'm sorry, are you tired of taking a hot shower when you get cold? are you tired of sleeping when you're exhausted? no. the soul requires someone to carefully tend to an injured hero's wounds while whispering 'you idiot, you could have died' and I will be partaking until the sun burns out.

dog i gotta move like yesterday

This morning my child Mouse, aged three, woke me up at 5 am by leaning over my face and showering me in a light but vigorous spray of biscuit crumbs, staring down at me like some kind of gargoyle.

I opened my eyes and confiscated the biscuit before fully waking up, belatedly recognising it as a biscuit that I had perceived Mouse sneaking away the previous week, prior to our going on holiday, but which I had not followed up on. “Don’t drop crumbs in my BED,” I said, strongly.

“I have to be in your bed, mummy,” Mouse said, producing a biscuit in their other hand and eating it while speaking.

“Why,” I said - I was not fully awake, of course.

“Because mine is all dirty,” Mouse said, eating the second biscuit, which I did not recognise.

The sleeping situation in our house is complicated, but I spend most of the night nominally in a bed in Mouse’s room, while Mouse theoretically sleeps on a floor mattress beside me. In practice this is always scrambled up, and there’s no knowing who is sleeping where. I investigated blearily and found that Mouse had secreted a small stash of Mouse-snacks between their bed and the wall, cunningly concealed by BLÅHAJ.

Mouse had quite naturally woken up peckish, remembered their earlier brilliance, recovered the biscuits, and had filled their own bed with biscuit crumbs. All very sophisticated.

“I can’t sleep,” Mouse said, watching me with interest, “my bed is not good. It’s all dirty.”

“We don’t eat in bed,” I said, calculating how much I didn’t want to wake up at 5 am.

“Why.”

“It makes your bed not good,” I said, deciding to get back into my own bed.

“Mummy?”

“What.”

“Mummy.”

“WHAT.”

“Your bed’s not good,” Mouse said judgmentally. “It’s all scratchy of biscuits. you been eating in yours bed?”

I posted some Big Walk smut over on bsky, don't wanna traumatize the users over here