Helpful Ears

Hi girls??
I realize that this may never be seen considering most of you probably don't even remember this address anymore, but I'll take my chances. (I still have the link in my favorites.) Anyway....I realize it's been a really long time since any of us have talked and I just wanted to say that I miss you girls and I hope everyone is doing well. I was also looking for some possible encouragement or advice for this weekend. I have a pseudo date with this guy from one of my classes on Friday and am extremely nervous. I've liked him ever since my first day in class and have been waiting weeks for an opportunity to come up where we could spend more than 2 minutes together outside of class. At first I thought I was getting very positive signals of interest from him, but lately I'm not sure if it was my imagination or if he changed his mind. He's beautiful and very physically fit and I feel almost unworthy of going out with someone like him. I'm afraid he looks at me as someone who wouldn't even be an option because of how I look.
Friday is my last chance to establish any sort of relationship with him if I plan on ever seeing him again. He doesn't go to Delaware and since Friday is our final, this will be his last time in Newark unless I give him a good reason to come back. I wish I weren't so nervous and doubtful about myself so that I could just be straight forward and tell him that I would like to go out with him again if Friday afternoon goes well. I've been waiting a really long time for this and I don't want to let a lack of courage get in my way of finding out if he's interested in me.

Anyway, I really do miss all of you and hope that things are going well. If any of you are still around and ever feel the need to talk to someone else, I still check this page and will always be here for you.
Best wishes, and I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Lauren

Hey Girls -
I'm not sure if any of you check this anymore, but I just wanted to say hi. I've been thinking about all of you lately. I hope you're all doing well.
Arielle and I are the only ones that are in the B.I. group this semester from our original group. It's not the same without you guys. I just wanted to say that although we don't all meet anymore, and just because Arielle and I see each other once a week, doesn't mean that we can't use this anymore if we need it. Hopefully we're all doing okay, but if you ever want to share anything with people who listen, we'll still be here.
I want to let you all know that I think I've finally figured out what I want to do when I graduate. (and all of you have helped me make the decision) I'm going to go into health psychology so that I can work with young people with eating disorders. Between myself, my friends from high school, our group, and even things we've discussed in my abnormal psych class, I've realized just how much this area of psychology has effected me, and our group really made me notice how important and helpful a support system can be for those who are struggling.
I just wanted to let you all know, and thank you.
Again, I hope everyone is doing well and had a great Halloween.

Much Love Always,
Lauren

Hey girls,
Just wanted to let you know that I went for my screening this afternoon to get back into the group. Karen is suggesting that even if you're returning that you go in for at least a half an hour for screening. They just want to discuss goals with us and give each of us a chance to get to know Jamie, the woman taking Tanny's place. Jamie is really nice.
I also brought up the issue of our LJ community. Since we're technically not supposed to have contact outside of group while it is in session, I think we should stop posting until the end of the semester and try just to discuss things in the group. I'm pretty sure we'll wind up talking about it in group, but I just figured I'd give you a chance to get used to the idea.
Just wanted to let you all know.
Love,
Lauren

So today was a bad day. It started off badly, by me waking up late, sorta, for class. I like being able to right myself before class, but I had to rush off right away without coffee or even brushing my teeth. Then I had to study for a test during breakfast; that was annoying. That was when I found about the girl that was killed. It didn't really hit me hard at that point though. Then I went tanning and did some errands, had a protein shake, got angry with my mom. That's a whole other story. But anyways, that pissed me off. Then I went to lab, blah blah wasn't too bad. Then i came back and was talking to my mom again and basically I was talking to her about living in the University Courtyards next year on friday, and at that point she was totally for it. Really excited and everything. and then today she came off seeming like she wasn't so sure. I had told her though that today I needed an answer, and I was handing in the form and committing to it with the other girls. So there she was going back on her word again, like in so many other cases. So that really got to me. Then it turned out that the girls i was supposed to be living with weren't exactly sure about it... soooo more drama. Then I also found out that one of my friends actually heard the train trying to stop when it hit that girl, and for some reason that really really got to me.

But it's not like this was even a terrible day or anything. I just felt like crap and I was very aggitated. I still got myself to the gym, and even to an information session for a honors frat I might join. I was really proud of myself for that. But then I became stressed with studying for this test I have tomorrow. I was just really upset with myself for putting it off (just like always) and that there was so much material I had yet to cover. Basically, I feel like I'm screwed as I read this, but at the same time, I know it isnt the end of the world, atleast in retrospect. I'm just upset that I gave in, yet again, to those bad coping mechanisms. But I am trying to convince myself that it isnt the end of the world, and that things will become better, and also things will get worse again, but overall, I'm OK. Just need to repeat that over... I'm ok, I'll be ok, everything is OK. I am ok,I will be ok, everything is OK. IM OK. I'LL BE OK. EVERYTHING IS OK.
goodnight,
whit

I feel like people are always talking about eating disorders...especially when they have no idea what they are talking about. It makes me feel bad. I hear people's conversations or hear them say things...and I think to myself: You are ignorant.
And I feel bad. I know I have no control over what people say, but sometimes I just wish that people would think: Maybe there are people out there who HAVE eating disorders and I should be quiet and not so obnoxious about it.

It's like people laughing at how weird people who have cancer look when they go through chemo. It's the same kind of thing.

Sorry, guys, just getting some frustrations out and I knew the place to put this was here.

Take care, everyone.

hey guys-

oh wow i'm a big mess right now. i'm sorry to bother you girls because I know we're all so busy, but I really need to vent. Tonight at dinner I was sitting w/ my roomate and some guys and one of them made a comment about the freshman girls and how they'll all only be skinny for another month or so...and then how like 70% of girls at college become anorexic, some ridiculous stuff, whatever I got so upset I couldn't eat. It just upsets me so much because I just want to be normal and eat a meal and not worry. I'm crying now and I am just scared my roomate will walk in and ask me, and I have to lie because she could never understand. I'm not sure why I am so upset right now, but I called my mom and told her and it obvi. made her upset, she goes, "i thought you were actually happy with yourself, you sounded so good for the first week and now you're back to old habits" (something to that effect) and I just felt so bad because I am happy here, it was just tonight at dinner something set me off and I am upset. I so badly want to be happy with myself, and I now know that living with alexis is too hard for me, but it's too late to do anything. I just am so upset and I feel sooooo terrible for making my mom upset, I just have no one to talk to about this. My best friend from last year transferred, and you girls are basically all I have. thanks for listening.

Hey girls! I'm sorry I haven't been writing in here as much, it's been so hectic. I feel like there's an emptiness though because I haven't been writing, so I'll try to be better about it. I'm sure that it's been busy for all of you, and once the school year takes off, things will get better. I basically just wanted to check in and say hi.. anyone who needs me can either IM me (summrgurl724) or email me (wbateson@udel.edu). I hope I can see all of you soon!
Love lots,
whit

Hi everyone! I'm just writing to say that I turned in my schedule of when I am free to the counseling office today. I know Lauren did as well, so that makes 2 of us...sooo you other girls that want to start group again, go do it too! Hehe. I miss all of you...and I'm sad that I haven't seen any of you on campus yet!
Take care, everyone.
Love,
Arielle

Hey Ladies,
I went to drop off my schedule to the counseling center today. I realized how much I miss group. I love that we have this so that we can come on whenever something is bothering us and vent, and we get to go back and look at things people have said, etc. It's really wonderful. But at the same time, I miss going to meetings. Besides obviously missing seeing everyone in person and being able to converse in real time, sitting there doesn't give you the opportunity to wait until something is bothering you to speak up. Sometimes I'd have a thought in the back of my head and just start talking about it, and before I knew it, I was unloading very heavy things that I had no idea were really bothering me. Now that I think about it, there are so many little things that get to me on a daily basis that I never really have the opportunity to work out because I don't think they're worth posting about.
Like for today, I just had an ugly day. I kept praying I didn't run into anyone I know. You know those days, just everything about yourself doesn't seem right in the mirror. Your hair isn't cooperating, your skin looks bad, the shirt doesn't fit you the same way it did last week, and you just feel icky and ugly. That's how I felt today. It was so discouraging walking around and being in class all afternoon. What kind of impressions was I making on people?
Then I came back to my house and showered and changed and I felt a great deal better. I've been eating well the past 2 days and I really was proud of my choices this evening. In additiong I'm walking a lot more around campus than I did all summer, or than I ever had to when I was living on campus.
Tonight my roommates decided to go on a walk and I went with them part of the way to go to smith to do a psych project then we walked back together. They were both dressed to work out, and they both looked good. Both girls are about a size 4, maybe. They talk about how they'd like to have better abs or whatever, but they eat usually whatever they like, and very rarely actually do exercise. It makes me so mad that it's so easy for them to just maintain their weight. I mean, when I do nothing, I just keep getting fatter....when they do nothing, they look cute and guys fall all over them. When they were waiting for me outside of Smith and I went to approach them, I felt jealous. Not just of the fact that they were sitting there looking better than I thought I looked, but because I felt like they were bonding. I feel like they have this "average figured girl" thing going on that I'm not a part of. And I realized for the first time that I have felt this way about all girls that aren't overweight ever since I can remember. I'm so possesive over the friendships I have with people becuse I try and make sure I have things in commmon with that person because we don't have our body types in common. I always wonder if I can't be as good of friends with a certain person because I'm overweight. When I walk with skinny friends in the mall, what are people thinking? Are they wondering if I'm just the tag along friend, or why such a good looking girl is hanging out with the fat chick? I wish I could go through life so much less cynically, I feel like I hate people and the world sometimes becuase of my insecurities. I feel like all of my friends share something that I don't have just because I weigh more than they do. If I lose weight, will I wind up being better friends with these people? Will they feel closer to me?

Meanwhile I'm still trying to accept everyone being back in Newark. There are so many girls wondering around looking perfect, and so many friends I had that went away for the summer that I'm afraid of seeing again. I'm going to see a guy tomorrow night that I really liked back in the spring.....he called me last night and I was worried that he'd see me and think I looked terrible, and then I'd never have a chance for a realtionship with him. I know these feelings are nothing new, but I'm truly scared. And Jealous. I'm so bitter that I feel like I'm on the outside of this exclusive beautiful people's club in this world, especially on this campus, and that I'll never truly belong if I don't change what I look like.

Part of me can't even believe that I'm thinking these ridiculous things, but I must be. I just want to change, because I naively believe that if I lose weight and look like everyone else that I'll be a better person overall. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't convince myself otherwise.

This is so discouraging.

Thanks for listening girls, I really hope I get to see you all soon!

Agh why why why?! I was so happy that I had been eating well for the past few days and getting exercise and I thought that I had definitely made an improvement, but it turns out no, everything is the same, and seemingly worse. I can't win. I just keep telling myself that it takes time to lose weight and to change your body, and I need to be patient. In essense, it's only been about a week that I've been improving my eating habits and re-working my diet, and it's only been about 3 days that I've been eating normally and not binging or purging at all. Sooo I guess I should give it a little more time.

Now there's the guy issue. Oh it makes me so sad. There was this guy I was with at the end of the year and we decided to keep in touch over the summer but then see what would happen in the fall. He didn't act like he really wanted to jump into a relationship right away, and I really want to. The twist is that his ex-girlfriend is here this year, so that's extra drama. So I saw him today and we said hi and I've been talking to him and stuff (by the way his name is Adam) and we haven't really said anything yet about "us." I truly adore him you guys. Seriously, I don't know what it even is, but I really really enjoy being around him. I wish I didn't, and maybe in time I could get over it, but it's soooo hard right now. My heart literally aches when I think about him, because I don't think it's going to work out. It's such bad luck and I'm pissed. I finally find someone pretty good, and I can't have him. I want a boyfriend so badly. It's terrible, I almost feel wrong saying that. But I really want someone that I can be close with and trust, and to know that someone cares about me (in a romantic way; I know you guys and my friends are there for me). So this is just really hard and I don't know what to do and I can't really get it off my mind. Love sucks, but it is also the greatest thing I have ever experienced, and I want to feel it again so so badly.