Personification of the Eternal Night

 I made it through work today, which was great, cause I wasn't sure I would. However, I did spend most of it cleaning out the storecloset. Barely ate at work today, which was very strange for me, but I definitely made up for it when I got home.

I feel emotionally numb, and physically almost exactly like I am waterlogged. You know that feeling in your head and chest after you've been swimming for hours and hours... thats what I feel like. But Im not sure if its the withdrawl or allergies/cold. (Mike is home with a cold today). I also had alot of trouble with forgetting things today.

My weight is up a little today (157) , though I ate terribly over the weekend.

I looked up the symptoms for Lexapro withdrawl... just so I know what to look for:
Irritability
Agitation
Dizziness
Burning/Tingling
Anxiety
Confusion
Headache
Insomnia
Tiredness


I am supposed to taper down my Topamax today, but I am going to wait another week.

 I doubt there is anyone out there anymore... I havent used this journal in 5 years. But life has come around that I have found myself needing it once again. But even though I only tend to find myself writing here when life is difficult, life is actually amazingly wonderful right now.

I am married to the most wonderful man that has ever lived and we are healthy and happy and enjoying life. But with this happiness comes the overwhelming desire to move forward. To have children and a house and a picket fence. So thats what we are working towards. However, before we can have kids... I have to figure out my own medical situation. 

As someone with Bipolar Disorder, I am on two medications, Topamax and Lexapro... neither of which are safe to be pregnant on. So I have spoken with my psychiatrist and starting last monday, March 15, 2010, I began the process of coming off my medication.

I thought at that time that it might be a good idea to start a feelings journal, just to track everything, but I was doing so well that I thought I wouldnt need it. That is, until Sunday rolled around, and I woke up depressed and distant. Crying and everything and unwilling to leave the couch. 

I am trying to deal with it logically, treatin myself like someone who is detoxing of any type of drug. I just need to make sure that I dont panic and assume that life will return to the way it was 5-10 years ago.

But its scary. Im scared. Very very scared.

So I am planning on writing in this journal everyday... talking about my future motherhood, my current bipolar drug problems, and my wonderful life otherwise.

Just to keep sanity. If your out there, I sincerely hope the last 5 years have been as wonderful to you as they have been to me.

Hi guys,

I have the busiest weekend ever this weekend so I prolly wont be on again till Monday night, if I dont kill myself before then.

I just drove down to my parent's house in CT, I have to wake up at 7 for the tage sale tomorrow. Then I have to shop for the appropiate interview clothes and research Montessori schools for my interview. What the heck IS a Montessori school!?!?!?!?!

Then I have to do it all over again on Sunday, wake up super early on Monday, do two interviews and drive 2.5 hours back to Vermont where I will procede to work an 8 hour shift!!!! AHHHHH! I cant wait till my last day of work.... I have a couple weeks in between the time when this one ends and the new one will begin... and NOTHING in the world is going to be better.

Lotta shit going on with my grandfather, will write about that on Monday... will also include art on Monday... Just dont have time tonight... Only 5 hours left to sleep! ARG!

Well, the resumes are done. The job has been told. And all I can do now is wait.

I sent over 80 resumes in the past 3 days... spent a buttload on stamps. I have recieved 3 calls for interview already, and I have my first one Monday morning. I have so much to do before the interview. I have to go to the store and buy some proffesional looking clothing, I have research the theories of Montessori schools, and I have to do some interview prep since its been so long since Ive done one. On the up side, I interview very well. So Im not worried about not finding anything. Im just hoping I get a job at one of the schools instead of one of the day cares. Better hours. Snow Days. Better Work. Better Age Group. Preschool would be fun too. Manna just turned 3 and I am realizing how much I love that age group. I see her grow more and more every day.

I told Dana and Gary last night that I was moving. They took it better than I thought they were going to. But they told the kids without me there. Something I really wish they hadnt done, since I came into the house with them mad at me and had to to try and staighten out everything they had done.

Now all I can do is wait for more interviews. And wait for moving day to arrive. My last day at work is August 5th. I cant tell you how excited I am for that day to come. I love them all, but I am ready for this to be over. I am sick of Dana guilting me. I am looking foward to my new life.

Oh... finished Harry Potter by the way.... OH MY FUCKING GOD! I will write more about the book in another entry... (under a cut)... but right now, I have stuff to do, and then I am going to go to bed SUPER DUPER EARLY!

Much love to you all,

Kate

I cant write alot, I have to go to work. But I have to tell someone. I have sent out 30 resumes in the past 2 days, they just got them today. And this morning, I woke up to two messages on my machine for interviews. I ALREADY HAVE TWO INTERVIEWS!!!!!! Im going to send out some more tomorrow, but Im so excited and I just had to tell someone... Talk to you guys later!!!

Much love to you all,

Kate

Well, I have pretty much made up my mind to move. I know that is going to be challenged at work tomorrow, but I will try to keep my thoughts towards the positive. I know this is the right thing for me, its just so hard to leave people who depend on you. But I was talking to Cameron today and realized that the thing that makes me happiest in the whole world (Theatre) can only TRUELY be found in one city in the whole world. And I moved farther away from it. Thinking of it that way, I think Vermont was doomed from the start. But it has been such a wonderful experience.

I have been visiting my parents every weekend for about a month now. They drive me crazy, and they are so dysfunctional, but I adore them. But do me a favor and dont tell them that! hehe They have sold our house and are moving to a smaller one in August. We lived in that house for 20 years. I grew up in that house. Letting go of it was so hard, but the people who are moving in are wonderful, and will take good care of the site of all my childhood memories.

Im reading Harry Potter, but I just havent had the time to fly through it like so many other people. Im about 150 pages in, and loving it so far. I wont talk about it though, for any of you who arent that far yet.

Ive been prepping my resume and cover letters to send out for jobs in CT. I have 5 done so far, and will do more in the morning. Hopefully I will get alot of interest. I am very good at working with children, and I hope I get to use my talents in a school or day care.

Anyway, thats enough rambling for tonight...


Much love to you all,

Kate

Hi guys...

If you are just skimming over your friend's page, please read this entry. I need advice. Badly. Half of me want to move, half of me doesnt. And both halves feel very strongly about the subject... I have been weighing the pros and cons in my head over and over, but I think its time to put in into type and ask for some advice. Thats where you guys come in.

Staying in Vermont

Pros
1. I have my own apartment. No need to close the bathroom door. Very nice.
2. I get to stay with the Kids. Major pluses.
3. I dont have to move ALL my shit... AGAIN!
4. Independance from my parents.
5. The feeling of knowing that I did it all by myself.

Cons

1. Apartment is in severe disrepair, and will prolly fall apart during the winter.
2. Rent is really high. (800/month)
3. The line between friend and employer is starting to get blurry at work, making it hell.
4. College is available but more expensive.
5. Dont know anyone. Very lonely.
6. Im in the boonies! I dont really like Vermont!
7. Job does not provide insurance (which I will need in about 6 months)
8. Im not happy in Vermont.

Moving to Connecticut

Pros
1. Im with two of my best friends, Jessi and Sarah, from high school. Not to mention lots of other people who show up occasionally.
2. I can rent my parent's apartment for prolly around 400/month allowing me to SAVE MONEY!
3. House is on a circle, allowing me to ride my bike, and therefore lose weight.
4. Wont be as lonely.
5. Paraproffesional jobs in CT do not require an Associates degree. (Im sending out resumes tomorrow)
6. I can go back to therapy. There are some things that I have come to realize while Ive been up here that I really need to work on.
7. College is MUCH cheaper, easier to get into, and better. Because I would be in-state.
8. No longer in the middle of no where.

Cons
1. Feels like a huge step backwards.
2. Lose some privacy. Damn Jewish Mother.
3. Wont get to see the kids as often.
4. Dana will be really pissed.
5. Have to start over. New Job. New Apartment. New Classes.

Looking at this list... it seems so obvious. But when Im at work, I feel like Im abandoning the kids. My mind changes every ten minutes or so. Damn life changing decisions! Please help me! Tell me what I should do!!!!!


Gnight Everyone.... please help me with my dilema!

Much love to you all,
Kate

Tired.
Lonely.
Sad.

Swimming in thoughts of pain.
Swimming in thoughts of lonliness.
Swimming in thoughts of hatred.

Lack the will to write.
Lack the will to cry.
Lack the will to continue.

Need time off.
Need time to think.
Need people to talk to.

Hoping for guidance.
Hoping for safety.
Hoping for love.

Much love to you all,
Kate

When I started writing in this space, so many monthes ago, I wanted people to hear me. I needed people to talk to. I was alone. And needed company. I found that through this community. But I was stupid. I treated my journal more like a newspaper column to sound off on the "big issues", and the little ones went untouched. I didnt want to be just another writer talking about her day, I wanted to be different. Something more. But I have realized in the past few weeks, that having people to talk to about your day is a blessing. One I do not have. I live alone, and while I love my cat, he is usually more interested in the fly buzzing at the window than listening to me rant.

So this journal will continue to live, but in a far different manner than it was before. I will still post art, one of my greatest passions. I will still speak of the great confusions and injustices of the world. However, the not so great ones will also be here. The troubles of a slightly off-kilter girl living in the world.

I know many of my readers are gone now, as I have not been here to maintain the friendship. However, I think, for now, that might be a good thing. I need to write for me. For my own pleasure. Not for the hopeful entertainment of others, or to try and make people think. But just to write the ways of my mind. As scarey as that thought is.

however, I have a new question due to this change in subject matter. Do I stay public or do I become private? I have things I need to say about a dear friend. However, that dear friend is also my boss. I fear for my job if she sees things I write about her. But I hate to think that people can not read my words, if they wish too. I have nothing to hide. No reason to want to keep out the LiveJournal Community. Except that one friend.

I hope some people are still reading this, and can give me guidance.

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It been so long since I have had the time to vent my feelings through you all. So much has happened. So much I never expected. Good and Bad, yet all overwhelming. Im nervous and excited. Im sad and happy. I suppose the positive always comes with negative. Life wouldnt be the same if the sword wasnt double-sided. I dont know if any of you remember my story, I certainly wouldnt expect you to after all this time. Engaged, and in a brang new job, I was living in hell, but somehow holding myself together.

Cameron and I broke up. While we are still trying to patch things up, there are some days when I have more hope than others. My feelings for him have become less than that of a lover, but of a friend. Im not even sure when it happened. But I looked around one day and realized that things were very very wrong. I didnt want to spend the rest of my life with someone I didnt truely love. And while I miss him desperately and still adore spending time with him, the interaction between us seems to be different. Or maybe Im just different.

I have my own apartment. Its not finished, many of the outlets dont work, the stairs are mighty rickety, but its mine. All mine. All by myself. Ive never been completely independant. I like it. Its lonely sometimes, and I watch far more Law & Order SVU than I should. But its ok, cause thats my choice. And no one is going to suffer for my choices but me. So I better learn to make the right ones. Its time. Ive been waiting for this for so long.

My job is wonderful. The kids are amazing, and as much as they wear me out, they also give me the courage and energy to continue. Those kids need me. If I miss work, they suffer. I would never wish that on them. Dana, their mother, has become my first real adult friend. I finally dont feel like a child anymore.

I know I abandoned you all for a long while. Im sorry. So many things happened. Dana says I finally started on the road to becoming an adult. Maybe I did. All I know is that, its been stressful. And scarey. But I like it. Ive been clinging onto my childhood for too long. I suppose its finally time to let go, and see what comes next.

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