Jerry Cruncher can kick your ass

Opponent One: Emma Bovary
Book: Madame Bovary
Author: Gustave Flaubert
Occupation: Spoiled daughter of poor farmer/wife of one Charles Bovary (wimp)
Quirk: lives in a delusional fantasy world where she gets everything she desires.

Opponent Two: Tess Durberyfield (d’Uberville)
Book: Tess of the d’Uberville’s
Author: Thomas Hardy
Occupation: milk maid/wife/daughter
Quirk: extremely loyal though naïve, suffers misfortune after misfortune.

Emma is once again fed up with her everyday life. She yearns for excitement, a new lover, some new jewelry; it doesn’t really matter to her. Her life in France is becoming exceedingly boring and so she demands to her husband Charles that they move at once to England where it is becoming “fashionable” to live. They purchase a richly decorated house in the heart of a well populated town. Emma decides to explore the town and scope out the potential lovers when she hears a shrill whirling screaming noise…

In a parallel universe, poor Tess Durberfield has foolishly decided to change her name to d’Urberville in an attempt to better her family. She leaves her quaint house to take a walk and decide what to do about the two men in her life, Alec and Angel. Walking through the cluttered trash strewn street she suddenly hears a loud whirling rushing scream and she is knocked forwards to her hands and knees. She stands up, turns around and sees a very disheveled young woman glaring at her with her hands on her hips.

Tess and Emma stand face to face in the middle of the street. Tess attempts to clean herself off, and then Emma, who promptly pushes her hands away. “Who are you and where am I?! This is not the same England I was in a few moments ago!” demands Emma. “Pardon me, Miss, I meant no offense. This is England, indeed, though you are dressed decidedly peculiar” whimpers Tess, shying away from Emma’s raised hand. As the two start to part ways, Alec appears from around the corner and goes immediately to Tess, though his eyes soon turn to Emma. Still holding on to Tess, he calls out “Miss! You seem to be a bit out of sorts, is there anything I can do to assist you?” Emma turns and her devious mind immediately begins working on how to make Alec hers. Even as she is thinking, Angel appears from the opposite corner and also goes to Tess, who at this point is speechless from all the excitement. With two attractive men now turning to Emma with attention, she decides that perhaps this new England she's landed in isn't going to be too awfully bad.

What will happen between Alec, Angel, Tess and Emma?
Will Tess’s passive manner make her Emma’s maid in the end?
Will Tess suddenly become possessive and fight Emma in the street right there for looking at her man (men)?

You decide, take these characters where you will!

Okay, so Becky was supposed to do this, but she sucks and didn't.  So she can do the next one.

Opponent 1:  Huckleberry Finn
Book:  The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Occupation:  mischevious runaway boy
Strange quirk:  dressing up as girls to deceive old women into giving him food, lying, and getting himself and his aquaintence, Jim mixed up in whatever trouble possible

Opponent 2:  Holden Caufield
Book:  Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
Occupation:  emotionally disturbed student with deceased brother and an incredible sense of compassion for children
Strange quirk:  hating movies, swearing, saying that everything is phony, being by himself

about 1850:  Huck and Jim are riding their raft down the river.  "Le's land on her, Jim," says Huck.  "Naw, we's a'gonna make it furder dan dat."  So they float further down, and as the night deepens, the fog grows thick and heavy.  After an hour of trying to figure out where they are, the raft comes to a halt, wedged between two rocks.  Jim decides to go look for a town or as such to identify their location while Huck waits by the raft.  Huck, being as obedient as a pet frog, begins to look around in the forest near the water's edge.  He gets a stick and pokes it out at things to see if he can scare some sleeping animals.  One of his pokes returns a shrill scream...

Meanwhile in the late 20th century, Holden Caufield is walking through the museum in New York waiting for his sister Phoebe to meet him.  Some little boys come up and ask him where the mummies are, and having a connection to kids, he shows them.  As they walk along the dark narrow passage back to the mummy exhibit, the boys get scared and run back.  Holden shrugs and keeps walking, mumbling about how phoney the kids are.  Eventually he realizes that he's been walking down this passageway for about ten minutes, and it's beginning to widen, and there are plants and trees where the walls were.  Soon enough, he finds himself in a forrest.  Slightly frightened, but knowing that nothing could make his current state any worse, he searches around for the hallway back to the museum.  As he passes a clearing, he hears a shrill scream and whirls around...

The two boys stare down at a strange space in the clearing that almost resembles an enormous nest.  But what is more intriguing is the woman sitting in the middle of it, staring up at them and trembling.  "Gots you a name?"  Huck kneels down beside her.  Holden hadn't even realized that there was a third party.  The girl looks from Huck to Holden and back to Huck again.  "Tess.  Tess D'Urberville," she says feebly.  "How did you get out here all by yourself?  Here, take my jacket."  Holden wraps his coat around her shoulders, and she gives a frightened smile.  Huck looks up at Holden.  "I'll care for 'er.  i got covered."  Holden ignores him and continues to try to comfort Tess.  By this time, Tess is enthralled with the attention she's receiving.  She settles back to watch what ensues...

What will happen next?
Will Holden and Tess end up together?
Will Huck and Tess end up together?
Will Holden and Huck end up together?
How will they settle it?

Opponent 1:  Jerry Cruncher

Book:  A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

Occupation:  errand man to Jarvis Lorry and Tellson's Bank by day, grave digger obtaining corpses for medical students by night

Strange quirk:  always ends up with rust under his fingernails after digging, oh and he calls praying "flopping"

 

Opponent 2:  Laertes, son of Polonius, brother to Ophelia

Book:  Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Occupation:  student in France when he is not taking futile advice from his father and giving futile advice to his sister

Strange quirk:  he is too quick to react to things, which foils Hamlet's careful consideration and reflection

 

1859:  It was a dark and stormy night as Jerry Cruncher made his way down the London street towards the graveyard.  He was still grumbling, "stupid woman won't stop her flopping."  Tools in hand, he began to chill from the rain which was now flying down in torrential downpours.  He picked up his pace, eventually breaking into a hunched sprint.  He noticed a loose block in the cobblestone street in front of him, but it was too late to dodge it.  He tripped on the stone and fell to the ground which seemed to disappear underneath him!  He kept falling and falling through what we nowadays call a worm hole…

 

Meanwhile, in the mid 1500's:  Laertes is on his way back to France.  He had just attended King Claudius's coronation in Denmark, but needed to get back soon to complete his studies.  His horse was being led by a servant, giving Laertes full ability to let his mind wander back to Denmark where his beloved sister lay in turmoil.  "Poor Ophelia, tormented by the jackass Hamlet.  What does she see in him?"  All of a sudden, Laertes realized that his servant was no longer leading the horse.  Laertes reached for the reigns as the animal began to gallop, but they fell in front and tripped the horse.  Laertes was thrown forward into the snow, but he fell right through the first layer of snow and into the subsequent layers.  Was he dreaming?  All of a sudden…

 

The two fell out of the sky onto a small grassy park surrounded by road on all sides.  They glanced around nervously at their surroundings:  an enormous fir tree, strange buildings, a ravine, and a bridge.  There was a "Welcome to Galena" sign right in front of them, but Laertes couldn't read the straight letters, and Jerry couldn't read period, so that was no help.  Soon, Laertes realized that he was out of his 'element,' and he drew his sword on Jerry.  Jerry was slightly shocked, but the evening's earlier beverages had dulled his senses and reflexes.  He made an innocent 'friends' gesture and Laertes lowered his sword.  Jerry said, "Come on, I'll buy you a drink!"  So the two headed over to Smugglers Cove Pub to indulge.  The men in overalls sucking on stalks of straw look skeptically at the man in tights with a sword and the man in dirty, ill fitted clothing.  They settled down for some of the weakest alcohol they ever had in their lives as they eyed each other wearily and competitively…

 

What will happen to this unlikely duo?

Who will survive in 2004 Galena culture?

Who will return home and how?

Alright guys, thanks so much for the overwhelming response!  I'm getting ready to write our first match,  but first I'd like to introduce to you... (drumroll)... our very own narrator, Mr. Thomas [Sean] Connery!  (applause).  As you read each match, imagine that you are listening to a narration by Mr. Connery (sigh).  Enjoy!

Welcome to our brainchild! The idea for Jerry Cruncher can kick your ass was originated in Mrs. Hull's AP English class of 2004. It's your job as our target audience to help us create an entertaining community for fans of literature to give us insight into what they think various characters would do in the presented situations. If you have any questions, please contact your local library!