depression

This is my first post, I have a lot to get off my chest and just want to be able to vent to people who may care. I just wanna say there may be a trigger warning later on in reference suicide and self harm, mild swearing, as well as pet death. I just wanted to say that first in case anyone does not like to see that.

In January 2017 I had been living with my pregnant sister and her boyfriend. There was an unfortunate turn of events that left us homeless. Mine and my sister's paycheck would be just enough to get by living in a hotel. Her boyfriend, who we will call dumbass, didn't have a job because he dreams of being a boxer. Even when he has a pregnant girlfriend and twin daughters on the way. On January 8th my sister went into labor early at only 18 weeks along with twins. We were forced to go an hour away to a hospital that specializes in premature babies. (And boy do I have stuff to say about this, but that's for another post) Long story short, baby A's sack had popped and the hospital chose to wait four days before removing the babies via c-section. At first, it was fine. I got driven back to the hotel once my sister felt a little better, and after seeing both babies in their incubators. The nurses said at the time that everything was fine, just being monitored. I felt comfortable enough to leave.
The next day I get a call from my sister that one of the babies, baby A, who had been named Miley passed away.

That was the start of everything going downhill. I didn't care about being homeless if I wasn't alone. But now I was alone, a nice had passed away, and I couldn't afford living at the hotel alone. My sister and dumbass were staying in the area an hour away to tend to Miyah, baby B who is growing more each day.

Once my paid days at the hotel ended, I went to live on a friends couch for the next four weeks. Luckily she worked at the same place I did for the same hours, so I had a way to work.
(Note: In between this my mom came up because she didnt know we had been homeless and also stayed at my friends with me for a majority of that time because dumbass assaulted her like the asshole he is.) Anyway, I worked at a call center taking inbound calls. Well, they decided that we were going to switch from doing inbound, to making outbound calls to sell and telemarket. Now, most people found the program so much easier and better. Me? I have bad anxiety. Answering a phone wasn't a problem because I could assume what they wanted beforehand - and have access to their accounts to analyze a sale technique. Cold calling outbound? My anxiety would get so bad I'd hang up as soon as someone answered and would panic and cry. Work had finally had enough and my Team Lead pulled me aside and said I had two options that day. Quit, or get fired in a couple hours. I chose to quit. I was so drained and depressed as it was.

Fast forward to the beginning of February. My boyfriend and his family took me in, in a different state. They allowed me and my 17 year old cat to move there. I felt relieved, but my sister was clearly upset. She told me to do what would make me happy, but then texted my mom to "Talk sense into me" because I wanted a place to live and to find a new job. Because that makes me the bad guy.
Well, my mom agreed that I should go. As much as I love my sister and Miyah, I refused to live with dumbass again. I would have rather died, and if I didn't have my cat I probably would have killed myself then.

I've been in this new state a month and still can't find work. I've applied to many places fitting my work history, and even gave in and applied for min wage so I can at least work. Still nothing.

Last week I had to put my 17 year old cat, Dill, down. He had been having breathing problems for the past month. I assume from all the moving. Being an old cat moving around had to of been bad for him. Well, I took him to the vet and his bloodwork and poop came back perfect for an old cat. So I figured maybe give him a couple more weeks and see if he relaxes. Well, he began gagging and clearly struggling. So the next day I took him in for an emergency visit. From the x-ray the vet got she said his heart and lungs were badly inflamed and I'd have to take him to a bigger vet that has air machines to hook up to him to see if it helps. Well, I asked the chances and the cost.. it would have costed in the high thousands. My boyfriend was using his last 600$ for this visit as it was. The vet said she had one air machine that she could try and see if he improves.
After a while she came back and said he wasn't taking to it well, and the other vet would be the best bet. But he'd be there for nights without me. I finally asked the vet the actual chances for his age and condition. It didn't look good. I chose to have him put out of his suffering.
Honestly it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do. I cried as he came back into the room, and told him how much of a blessing he has been to my family, and how sorry I was his last year was full of moving so much. I held him and spoke words to him as the vet put the euthanasia in him. As the light faded from his eyes, he used the last of his ability to lick my hand. He was so good. He always knew that licking my face or hand was a kiss.
Dill held my deepest of secrets, wouldn't leave my lap if I ever spoke of self harm or suicide. If he was in the room while self-harming as a teen he'd try to get in the way so I have no choice to but to stop.

Now I'm literally just alone, and I can't even get a job to take my mind off of it.
I feel so suicidal, and I feel in my chest that I need to do it. I have a cat, grandparents, and a niece who'd keep me company and love me.
I love my parents, my boyfriend, and my sister, niece, brother, and nephew a lot... but the only one I ever see now is my boyfriend.
I'm pretty alone here too now without Dill. My boyfriend has a part time job hes starting soon, dance, cosmo school, friends, and whole family is within the state.
My head is in a dark place and I can't get it to come up this time. I'm scared.

I need some major help not for me but for my wife, about a month ago she went to check on her dad because he lived with us well when she went in there she had found him dead he had passed away in his sleep well she had took it hard which it is normal but then she was doing good and about a week ago things had started to change she don't want to do anything around the house such as clean,and it is like pulling teeth to get her to leave the house, and her mood has changed for the worse all she wants to do is try to fight with me. Or start to act like the way her dad did (he always was mean to both of us) I have been getting more hours at work to help us survive now that it is the only income we have now. I come home and have to clean the house and take care of everything it is almost like she is going into s deep depression and she tels me she don't need help. So can anyone please help on some advice on this I am getting the feeling all she wants to do is try to push me and everyone away.

Becky

So I just joined this community, and I am a little self-conscious about writing.
I don't really talk to ppl in my daily life about my depression.  My family doesn't believe I have it, but when I tell them I do, they freak out, push me for counseling, or offer to get me on meds.  I guess it's all good that they wanna help, but they treat my like I am a sick with a horrible catching disease. Treating me like that only makes me feel worse.
Some days I don't know how bad I have it or not.  I dunno if I need to be medicated or if I should just ride it out.  How can you tell what you need to do?
No idea....sometimes I just want to stay depressed.

Just recently I broke up with my 2-year long Boyfriend.  I loved him to death and he didn't....I was a shelf girlfriend and he just din't really care about me.  Couldn't ever say he loved me. I found out that as soon as my younger sister turned 18, he started trying to flirt and get with her.  That lasted over 6 months and he told my sister not to tell me that he was talking to her.  I had not idea.  We broke up.

My ex before him is a good friend of my family.  Him and I finally worked up a platonic friendship and we were planning to be roomies and stuff. All of a sudden, him and my sister are going out.  Now he barely talks to me.  The both treat me like I am dumb and they exclude me. 
So now 2 of my ex's have gone for my sister...not to mention how many guy friends of mine have tried for her too.  I really am the lesser of 2 sisters.  She got all the looks,brains, red hair, flirty personality, and my guy friends and even boyfriend were just waiting for her to turn 18, and just using me as a filler in between.  

Sometimes it's just easier to stay depressed.....

i have a support site that you all can join http://selfhelp.yuku.com

I thought I had found someone I could trust and then he cheated on me, lied to me and trampled what little self worth I had left. You can't trust anyone in this world anymore except yourself and that is sad. Everyone only cares about themselves. I will never trust another person again. I hope he rots in hell for what he did but he won't cuz he just keeps plugging along.

It's going to be a long road to rebuild my self esteem. ...but it does seem to help by venting and writing about it.

Sad girl :(

I'm a 27-year old single mother of a beautiful 5-year old little boy. I have raised him all by myself for the last 5 years and I think that I have done a wonderful job. He means eveything to me...life, breath, air, everything!!! But just recently I have had something dramatic happen to me...he was taken from my custody and placed with his father. My 5-year old was supposed to spend some time with his father one night, but instead of his father being there, my son was with his step mother. She never was a very nice person, but I put up with her for the sake of my child. On this particular evening, my son came home from spending time with his step mother and became very aggressive with me. He started telling me that he hated me and that he wanted to live with his father. Now, this isn't the first time that my son has ever lashed out like this; as a matter of fact, he had been in therapy since the beginning of this year because he became very violent in school and seriously hurt another child. Who'd have thought that a 5 year old could get suspended? Well, here to find out, my son's step mother had been telling him for quite some time that she was his real mother and I was the reason that his dad never saw him (his father was always at the bar or work...I had nothing to do with that). This obviously angered my son and being that he was in t-ball at the time, my son took his metal t-ball bat and began to hit me with it. And he hit me hard several times. I had had enough...it was almost 4am by this time and putting him in "time out" just wasn't working. I did what I thought at the time was the right thing and I pulled my son's pants down and spanked him on his butt. I didn't mean to spank him as hard as I did, but I left a bruise in the shape of my hand on his rear. To make a long story short...I was arrested and was charged with child abuse (the Grand Jury dropped it from 2nd degree charges to 4th degree - I have to complete 1 year of mandatory probation). It has been 4 months now since I have seen my son or even spoken to him and the court is still not allowing me any kind of visitation. I truly need help getting through this because I'm not a wealthy person so I can't afford to talk to someone professional. Please pray for me and my child. I had never raised a hand to my child ever until that night and I feel like I am being punished. I pray every night that God show me a sign that I will one day soon be able to wrap my arms around my son again, but maybe it's my lack of hope right now. I am very lonely and empty...I'm confused as to what I should be doing next...but I do believe that one day I will see him again. All those who are mothers out there...put yourself in my shoes for just 5 minutes, you'll see how I feel...I've never been away from my child for more than 2 days...and it just doesn't seem like my prayers are enough...Please help me get through this!

Wow it was so hard to make this stupid account and finally get to the point where i get to let it out. there are so many things inside of me... so many emotions and thoughts and it fills me like a bubble. it goes back so far i dont even know where to begin. i call it the emptiness. it lives in me no matter what i do to deny it. i try to have this happy and normal life but it always sucks me back in. i'm 21 and i've been depressed my entire life. even as a child i felt this way, but nobody picked up on it. nobody ever got to know me well enough. something always happens. recently i tried to make believe i was happy... got a new boyfriend, doing well in school, had a couple of friends (not that we ever did anything together, but in class we get a long well). but now the emptiness is back and i am alone. always always alone. i just want one friend; somebody who will treat me the way i treat them. im so sick of always coming back to this place. so now my new addiction is eating and i've gained 40lbs. oh silly girl. i dont act this sad. people have no idea that im sad. i seem like an entirely normal person; but in the end there is something that repels people from me. i always wondered what it is that i do that makes me people leave. i cant write in diaries, the words never come. i get very anxious when i have to do things like "describe your hobbies" stuff like that. anything where i actually have to say something true about myself is hard for me. i dont know myself. i dont even like myself. and nobody cares at all. so here i am... fat and miserable without anybody to call now that im crying over another relationship lost. oh me, what will i do. sometimes i wish i was dead, but nobody would ever know that. not that i could ever do it. i tried when i was younger, but i never had the balls to do it. the thing is there are lots of people who say they love me, blah blah. but they dont know me enough to say that and really mean it. there was one person who really knew me and really loved me anyways.... but of course i ruined that, i mean what else could i do? i could never keep a guys as wonderful as that anyways. i never deserved him. i forget how sad i am sometimes. i mean i can go for ahwile and be fine; but in the end the darkness always prevails. i guess i just need to type and type untill its all out. i dont even know if anybody will read this, but i hope they do. oh well, probably anybody who does read this got tired of my bitching and moved on. i cant say i blame you; im sure this is pretty boring. i just didnt have anything else to do with these thoughts...well im feeling slightly better and my eyes are crossing so i'm gonna go. hope somebody reads this....

I feel empty, hollow
Tmorrow is the spring equinox, a time of equal night and day.If there was ever a perfect time to fall that`s it.I have a noose ready in a wood nearby.I`m running out of reasons not to die.