Half the time I feel like I'm in such a better place than I was a few years ago. That I've found real confidence, not the fake crap I used to fake when I didn't want people to know how messed up I always was. Sometimes I feel fucking pretty, and I went camping this weekend and got hit on by a set of twins, and a lesbian and all three of them asked for my number and it was great to say "I have a boyfriend, but your cool, so maybe we can be friends" and god did I love that attention.
But the other half I feel ugly and unwanted and fat. And I want a nose job and I want to be less wierd, less pathetic. And I think my boyfriend's boring, and I think maybe I don't like boys at all, and why do I have to be so different? Why can't I be straight and pretty and skinny and desirable?
I preach about accepting yourself and loving yourself and I tell my friends they're fucking beautiful and I tell them to love and appreciate their differences but I can only love myself some of the time, and the rest of it I want to crawl in a corner and die.
1. I play things out in my head before they happen. Like conversations, confrontations, random event. They're always better in my head. 2. I'm very opinionated and arguementative and will fight for everything I think even the inconsequential stuff. 3. I wear my heart on both sleeves, and get hurt easily even though I rarely let people into my real headspace. The walls and layers I build to hide behind have enough of me that they still hurt. 4. I worry about everything. 5. I'm smart. The only thing in this world I'm confident about is my brain and the way I use it. 6. I play guitar and sing badly, in my room, with the door locked. I am such a friggen rockstar. 7. I put myself down a lot. 8. I could never make friends when I was younger, so I hung around people who were really mean and would insult me all the times. They were my best friends. I didn't realize until recently how fucked up al of that was. 9. I am actually a super happy person but apparantly my neutral expression reads as super pissed/depressed and no one believes me.
BONUS: GUESS WHO HAS TICKETS TO MCR NEXT MAY. YEP ME. BEST.BDAY.PRESENT.EVER.
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
1. I thought I had a crush on you for a while, but I realized that your just the best friend I've ever had. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. 2. You confuse me. I have no clue where we are, or what we're gonna do when we finally meet up. I think you still love me, but I don't love you back, at least I don't think I do. 3. I have the biggest crush on you. You're easy to talk to and relatable and a little bit messed. You scare the crap out of me too though, and you're unpredictable and strong and I want that so bad. But I don't think i really know you. 4. I regret you. You didn't hurt me while we were together but now that i look back I never liked you. You were always that really annoying kid who never shut up about videogames. You picked me up when I was still hurting from him and it wasn't fair for either of us. You're self centered, and selfish, and at my lowest lows I miss you. 5. Are we friends? I'm bad at this whole person to person interaction thing and I'm not really sure. 6. I'm so lost. And it's not you it's just all the time but you don't see it so you don't know and I just need someone to acknowledge that sometimes I'm falling apart. 7. You're gay. but 8 said you make exceptions, and I'm one of them. So sometimes it's kinda hard to hang all over you like I'm used to and to let you grab and play at me and collapse into the best cuddle piles ever. I wish she wouldn't have said anything, I need you. even though you are one of the most egotistical people I've ever met. 8. I envy you. You're gorgeous and nice and creative and interesting and funny and you need to stop biting your fingers and steal some of 7's confidence, it'll do you both some good. 9. I admire you. I'd never tell you this, since you don't like me much, at least I don't think you do. But you're so unashamedly yourself and I kinda want to beat the crap out of everyone who makes snide comments or looks at you funny. I doubt you remember my name on most days. But I do admire you. A lot. 10. You hurt me. You make the biggest assumptions about people and you're just so sure they're true. You hurt people. You sent me into a week of depression and doubting myself. I hate you.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself. Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart. Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot. Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever). Day Seven: Four turn offs. Day Eight: Three turn ons. Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why. Day Ten: One confession.
My favorite childhood band was the SugarCubes. It was the first cd my dad ever gave me to listen to, it was the first word I read, I have videotapes of me as a four year old dacing to thei Stick Around for Joy cd. For those of you who don't know the sugarcubes were an Icelandic rock band that Bjork fronted. So kinda a wierd think for a father to give to a four year old, but I still listen to them today and it just really fits,
1. Are you Extractor, Point Man, Architect, Forger or Tourist and why? I would probably be a forger or an architect. Forger because I'm way to good at pretending to be other people, and love disguises more than strictly necessary. Architect because I build worlds in my head everyday, it's just that nobody gets to see them at the moment.
Well, my name has already been legally changed. I was born Jasmine, but they only named me so my foster parents would have something to call me, and then after six days of sleeping in a laundry basket I was adopted and my name was changed to Michelle.
"Pop-punk is a gateway drug. You cut your teeth on the soft stuff, the stuff with plenty of whoa-ohs! and then you get lured by the heavier backbeat, the bared teeth, and then eventually you’re living in a gutter in a leather jacket held together with band patches, studs and body odour."
