we know major tom's a junkie

1)Do you have a crush on somebody?
Crush, no, but does narcisism count?

2) Do you hate more than 3 people?
Oh definitely, I have alot of wrath towards humanity as a whole, therefore it's quite easy for me to hate alot of ppl

3) How many houses have you lived in?
lots and lots

4) Favorite chocolate bar?
I am not a chocolate person sorry

6) Have you ever tripped someone?
Eh, at my age that would be kind of retarded

7)Least favorite subject in school?
I fucking HATED math and science

8) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
five, but I only wear two of them most of the time...

9) Do you own a Britney Spears cd?
Next question.....

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?
I have thrown up out of friend's windows, in people's flower gardens, at car washes, and so on...... I'm drunk alot

12) Favorite genre of music?
Glam Rock!

13) What's your sign?
Leo

14) What time were you born?
six in the morning

15) Do you like beer?
um... its got an alcohol content so of course, particulary belgian beer like Kreik

16) Have you ever made a prank phone call?
Prank phone calls was pretty much how me and my friends killed alot fo spare time in high school, we were insanely creative with them tho and made them last a long time.

17) Favorite non-chocolate candy?
Twizzlers

18) Are you sarcastic?
oh fuck yeah

19) What are your favorite colors?
Black, silver, and maroon

20) How many watches do you own?
none, watches are for queer bags

21) Summer or winter?
I hate both, I am a spring and fall person

22) Is anyone in love with you?
If so, they have something seriously wrong with them

23) Are you in love with anyone?
no, I love someone but I'm not IN LOVE with that person

24) Favourite colors to wear?
black, I dont look good in anything but black

24) Pepsi or Sprite?
I have a really pathetic addiction to sprite

25) What color is your cell phone?
I don't believe in cell phones

26) Where is your second home?
um... my mother's

27) Have you ever slapped someone?
Good question...... no but I will by the end of the day

28) Have you ever had a cavity?
I have a really bad one right now that I'm taking meds for.... actually I am just on meds

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?
One large one that has three that are attached... if that makes any sense


30) How many video games do you own?
I hate video games, that make your mouth hang open like a fuckin retard and they are uneventful and mind numbing to me


31) What was your first pet?
a cat named baby

32) Ever had braces?
no

33) Do looks matter?
I hate to say it but thats my biggest concern lol

34) Do you use chapstick?
if needed

35) Name 4 teachers from Junior High:
mr. roderick (guy with missing fingers so he's always giving "the horns"), mrs. haney (this woman is seriosuly ALWAYS smiling, I smoked crack with her twice), mrs, speigle (the home ec teacher that died of cancer), and mr. harris who was a fucking asshole

36) American Eagle or Hollister?
wtf what?

37) Are you too forgiving?
ha

38) How many children do you want?
kids smell and make too many sounds and cost money

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?
who doesnt these days

40) Favourite breakfast meal?
I havent had breakfast in months, if I do its usually a turbo ice from DD

41) Do you own a gun?
no but that would be uber cool

42) What is your favorite band this week?
bowie, ministry and manson

43) Wen was the last time you cried?
you spelt WHEN wrong

44) What did you do 3 days ago?
I smoked alot of pot

45) Olive Garden?
there's a bar there

46) Have you ever called your teacher mom?
why the fuck would I do that?

47) Have you ever been in a castle?
no but I want to before I die, I love castles, when I get rich I'm going to buy one

48) Nicknames?
fucktard

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?
yeah celinas mom, shes a nice lady

50) Ever been to Kentucky?
Just and airport in kentucky

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic?
god no

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?
no

53) Ever called somebody Boo?
is that like a hip hop thing?

54) Do you smoke?
many things

55) Do you own a diamond ring?
no

56) Are you happy with your life right now?
not really

57) Do you dye your hair?
I used to, I kind of have to maintain a clean look at my age now

58) Does anyone have a crush on you?
I hope not

59) Starbucks or Dunkin donuts?
Dunkin Donuts, its right behind my apartment :)

60) What were you doing in May of 1994?
I was in fifth grade

61) Have you ever caught a guy/girl checkin out your butt?
yeah people tell me all of the time that I have an awesome ass

62) McDonalds or Wendys?
neither, not really a fan of grease pit fuckin slaughter houses for the obeese

63) Do you like yourself?
I love myself, I could never be replaced

64) Are you closer to your mother or father?
My mom and I became pretty close a couple years ago

66) Are you afraid of the dark?
No, I keep my apartment and my room as dark as I can at all times, I hate sun and I hate alot of light

67) Have you ever eaten paste?
no

68) Do you own a webcam?
yeah

70) Ever broken a bone?
no

72) Do you chat on MSN often?
I dont use MSN, I use yahoo and AIM

73) Pringles or Lays?
I dont eat chips

74) Have you ever broken any one's heart?
I hope not...

75) Rugrats or Doug?
wtf

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?
I wasn't a fan of either

77) Do you like your high school guidance counselor?
I think he wanted to fuck me.... so I know he liked me

78) Have you ever run a red light?
I dont drive

79) Do you chew gum?
once in a while


80) Do you own a car?
no I dont want to ever

81) Can you cook?
yes

84) Money or love?
money

85) Do you have any scars?
one which was an accident and the other I inflicted upon myself when I was drunk

86) What do you want more than anything right now?
hmmmmmm...... I would have to think about that

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?
it depends.... I liek the really cheesy stupid ones

88) Relationships or one night stands?
one night stands used to be fun, I think I will try to find someone tonight

89) mp3s or Ipods?
um... I like cds

90) Do you enjoy greasy food?
only taco bell, thats about it, but they aren't that greasy

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?
no, and I dont plan on it

92) Do you own a box of crayons?
no, but I have water color paints

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you?
joey

95) Hands or feet?
hands

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?
gordon's vodka

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh?
eh I dont know

98) frosted flakes or fruity pebbles?
i dont eat cereal

I put up a new epicene page for our new stuff considering the other two epicene pages are for older stuff now. Add if you like......

Whats new with me......... well, I went on a ten day vacation recently. I had felisia visit and took a trip to waterville and then spent the rest doing alot of nothing. I'm finding that I am still going insane and nothing else is really new.

The small alarm clock, resembling something from the nineteen fifties, ticks above my head. The ticks bounce from one ear to the other like a pendulum that I cannot make stop. My body is pinned to the soft feel of a beige carpet within the enclosure of four white walls, with not the slightest ray of light shinging in. It's still and I am unable to move. This is how I end days.

Somewhere inside my head, it is limp, intoxicated, and drained of any form of balance that could have once existed. I am addicted to my choice of poison, alcohol. It lies to me after the smalls sips of pleasure fade into large gulps of persistent addiction and need. An oral fixation to the glass and down the espophogus it flows into my shallow pit of a stomach. I am self medicating, self abusing, and living in denial. I have been laying on the floor for hours without knowing someone is looking down at me with a face, a face like a canvas painting displaying shame. He's like the paintings I make, but in real life. Or has one of my works of art come to life to show me how pathetic I have become and why it is that I created the paintings in the first place?

I am unable to make anything anymore. My world is built upon the destiny of creation. Thats sort of my idea of god, yet I do not believe in a god. The inability to create makes me feel like I am nothing, I might as well be dead if I cannot make anything. Creation for me is found in painting, music and writing.

Some of us are never meant to change. Some of us do not evolve and some of us are sad and do not know why and never will. I fit this life form, if one would really care to use the word life there. I am in a fog, walking along the damp sand of a cold night's beach. Waves do not crash here and I unintentionally but without care, crush the sculls of dead sea creatures and birds as I walk along this vaccant beach. Its dark but I know far off there is another time zone with light showing but I am unable to build anything to get there, nor can anyone see me from above to rescue me. The stench of dead fish is now comforting, maybe I will just stay here.

I ponder over writings, they start out small but the words grow increasingly aggitated. If they were alive they would scream. They grow bigger and disorderly on the paper in jagged red letters as a result of this blockage. They know they will never be used and they know they are shit.

I am shit

You are shit

Everything is shit

That is it

I kind of had one of those light bulb moments the other day where the light had been flickering for quite a long time but just didnt have it to turn itself completely on. See, I am going through this personal sort of, recovery process in trying to sober up and clear my mind so that I can avoid alot of this depression and insanity that I've been dealing with for months and months now.

I'm not really one to allow myself to get so deep in a hole that I cant get ou t and I realized recently that I was getting very far down in the hole. My interpretation of going in the hole is when you get to the point in your drunken insanity that you start to develop almost schizophrenic-like behavior, and this was definitely setting in for me I would say the past two weeks from now. I felt very paranoid and felt like everyone was out to get me somehow when in reality that wasn't the case at all.

I was doing it all to myself because it was a piece tot he self destruction and abusive behavior that I wasn't looking into because I was too drunk all of the time. I drank excessively to push boredom, stress and pain away. Those were the three things that tortured me the most that I had no control in making myself feel so I would drown it in booze every night of my waking life. It has prevented me from being creative and its made me abusive towards others (mentally and verbally)

I remember the days of moderation, that worked alot better for me. I am too concerned about my health and the state of my life to go on being a lame stereotypical fucking alcoholic in my life. I'm teaching myself to relax more and realize what I have going for me right now and strengthen it, not fear it and loose control over my thoughts.

Well, lets see.......... its been a month since I've gone on here, everything's still basically the same for me right now. I'm finding more and more the urge and extreme desire to aspire to what I want my destiny to be, a musician. I want to devote the entirity of my life to making music and teaching myself how to master other instruments. I've been writing alot lately, very different types of poems and lyrics that I never bothered to write in the past because I didnt think that the subject matter was "cool": enough. Thats an obvious condition of being young I suppose.

I just dont really feel like I have anyone as enthusaiastic and excited and motivated as me. Thats where alot of my sadness comes from right now. But today I looked in the mirror and realized that I am fucking awesome, I am smart, I am talented, I am unique and I have alot of influences that I can mesh together to make anything out of, whether its my paintings, music, photography, or a book (which I still want to write someday.)

I think life is so much more than a job or a profession........... or school or family. I think life is ultimately about (and this especially applies if you're the artsy type) making yourself as powerful and beautiful with every scrapping element of who you are. Thats basically why I despise religions and politics and the thought of making a family and being all american.

I have been obsessed with the idea of forming some type of different glam rock meets sickly semi-electronic sounding and looking music lately. I am fucking OBSESSED with the atmospheric feel to bowie's music from the early 70's right now, as well as getting back into gary numan and prince really heavily. Those guys all had the right idea in my eyes. They were very creative, they didnt really bitch about the world we live in, that is something that I've already done, I want to use my imagination more like I did as a child and make something entirely fresh and new. I want ryan to do it with me if he wants to. I find my life getting worse due to the fact that I cant create with someone. The working scheduel is fucking crap and I hate it. I hate everything about being an adult and paying bills and being a boring fuckin yuppy sqaure idiot. I want to be ME and live that way, just more outside of what my life is mostly consumed by, which is being a fucktard at linens n things.

Life is going by too fast for me to get trapped right now. There are other things that are better to trap myself with and I am going to fucking do it because I hate everything right now and its turning me into a raging alcoholic and manic depressive stress ball.

Things are going to change.

I don't know what it is I want to do right now. I spent most of the night last night expressing to my boyfriend how much I hate living. I feel like my reasons are valid but I also think my substance abusing has alot to do with the way I'm feeling these days.

I planned a little trip to go home for a few days this weekend. I need to go somewhere and be around familiarity instead of the fucked up assholes I'm normally around here. I love joey and our apartment together, but I hate my job with every fiber of my existence. The people are not real. I am frustrated because I haven't been able to come up with any new music or anything lately. I'm also stealing joey's prozac substitute every other day in hope that I can just not be depressed for one fucking day.

I am not sure if I will plan to move or what, but its a necessity for me at this point. My boss wants to fuck my brains out and hes like 50 so I feel not only extremely uncomfortable around him, but it adds to everything, like all of the ego driven insane pathological lying scum I also have to work and deal with there. I just cant seem to face what I do with excitement, I hate retail and I hate big stores.

I have been very lethargic and sad as a result of too much stress and pressure and the mundain aspects of daily life. I just dont know what to do to change things, I have not been successful in finding a new job, but I'm thinking thats not the solution for me right now. I feel like I need a break from life, I wish it could be forever but I can't.

I am finding that Lewis Carroll is one of my new favorite authors. I found this book from the late 1800's in a used book store that is a collection of all of his stories. I'm also finding that it is a more than needed escape for me, to read, that is after these long stressful days at me job.

I am wondering when I am ever going to get so sick of this that I just give up. I seriously hate my job and I cannnot find anything new out there, I've been trying for a few months now. The people I work with are not real to me. They are vicious, hateful and manipulative. Its all competition to see who can climb the highest up the ladder to being the queen bee. Its sickening and I hate it.

I am getting back into painting portraits of random things and people again. Some of them that I am still planning out will be featured on the hyperborean commoriom. Painting, like reading, soothes my stressed-out mind.

I have a three day weekend in two weeks from now. I'm thinking it would be best for me to get out of town for a little bit and try to not sit in my room all day and night. I ahve literally shut myself off and I'm thinking that that isnt the best remedy for this depression/anxiety. I'm going to make myself plan something out, something different.

I'm also working on a wierd slowed down demented song. I dont think it will ever pop up on an epicene cd or anything like that, its just for soundtracking my life right now. I have been posting small clips of it on my myspace but I'm going to finish it up this weekend and put the whole thing on there.

I started drinking heavily again after a break from the booze. Strangely it doesn't seem to be affecting me like normally. Maybe I'm that jaded now, who knows..

Since the last time I wasted time on here, things have been going in a balance but right now its like its all falling downward for me.

Ryan and I finished another cd, Hyperborean New World, its got ten tracks and it really shows the immense progression we've made as musicians and artists. We'll be distributing soon.

I am absolutely fucking miserable lately. I seriously want to not live in this world anymore and become a fucking wierd creature and live on a different planet. I dont care to delve into my depression issues but I just hate fucking life, its a waste to me, I just dont like human conditioning, its seriously driving me insane.

I am looking to start some type of new creative outlet for myself, not music, just something different. I am frustrated because I am having difficulty in finding what it is that I want to be and what I desire to do. Is it really just nothing at all because I'm so jaded? More than likely but we'll see..

I am pretty sure the fourth Epicene cd is about 80% finished, although I haven't quite talked to ryan about it, but it is almost done.

Yesterday I composed an entirely new song, untitled for now, and ryan has been singing to it. Everything is more harsh, everything is more wierd, and everything is more upbeat in terms of sound. So far these are the tracks, mostly new, some older that I want to go on the cd:

1. Lassen Die Feinde
2. Hyperborean New World
3. Fashion Futuristic
4. White Wall
5. (the new track, whatever it will be called can go here I guess)
6. Mind Finds Mind
7. Anonymous Anatomy
8. Faults in Fable
9. Psocid Empire
10. God Decay

Also, I think we may end up calling the cd "Hyperborean New World" since that was the original plan months ago when we started working on the new material, but like I said I am yet to finalize everything with ryan.

Aside from working on The Epicene, I have been putting in the usual fifty hours a week at my place of work, still hating some aspects of it that I think will not change for quite some time now. Joey and I have been at each other's throats for like three or four days now and I am seriously going to hang myself if it doesn't end soon.

I am doing an eight day stretch at work in a couple days from now and then getting on a bus and going to waterville to spend sometime away from here because I just need a break. Ryan is getting a new place pretty soon so it will be a nice change of scenery and whatnot.

Thats all.

I'm having one of those days where I am sitting in taking long pauses here and there, where I just stare and remain motionless then snap back to normality for a breif period of time. I have these moments after bad days usually or if I'm wrechedly hungover which has now well passed.

I need to get the fuck out of Linens N Things. Its just old. A person like me can only obey the rules and injustice for so long.

Since everybody has been asking or talking about it.. My new years was certainly better than last. Lets rewind......

Last year on new years eve you could have found me stumbling up Union street with huge lips in the 13 degree weather yelling at cars and giving people the finger ( I think I was mad that no one would pick me up even though I was too drunk to realize I wasn't actually hitch hiking, I was just too drunk to handle the cold)

This year, I met up with nicole and her clan at a hotel room where we drank and did each other's makeup and laughed a lot. Somehow I ended up at Fuzion, where it was rediculously packed with people. As we were slowly but surely nudging our way through the crowd, nicole hands me a glass of champaigne above the mass of heads. I grabbed it and threw it all down my throat within seconds and tossed the plastic wine glass somewhere off into the mass, luckily everyone just laughed. We all looked very naughty and perverted. And I can't tell you how many girls wanted to know where I was from. Everybody lately and I mean everybody lately happens to think I am from some other country. I don't understand it at all. But that happened and I pretended to have an unrecognizable accent and blah fucking blah blah blah.......

Later we were back at the hotel and I had found this black permanent marker and took the elevator up and down floors and wrote fuck god on people's do not disturb signs. I drank until the morning and left in a cab where I re call having some lengthy convo with the cab driver but I honestly have no idea what I said.

Back to reality everybody.