. . .

I know some of you friended me over my Chasing Rabbits post, but in case some others were not aware - I am a HUGE nerd for Lewis Carrol's Alice books and all things related to them.

So of course I watched the latest Syfy mini. I have a head cold, meds and opinions, so this will be long and of no interest to anyone but me, but I'm inflicting it on you none-the-less.

BASIC INFO
Did I like it? Yep. I'm willing to buy this eventually.
Song of the Moment: Rob Thomas' Little Wonders



OK - even before it started the following things fill me with ♥ for this mini.

1. Primeval's Connor Temple is a TV Boyfriend and is the Hatter in this. What I knew about the actor who played him - Andrew-Lee Potts -
- He can play the geek, hacker cum conspiracy theorist cum archaeologist with a non-posh Brit accent. Yum.
- His hyphenated first name makes me smile.
- He rocks the eyeliner.
- He can pull off eyelined puppy eyes - this is not an easy feat.
- He is ... engaged(? or otherwise permanently connected to) the actress who plays Abby on Primeval and this fills me with just warm squishy fangirl joy on j2 levels.
And yes, this will GREATLY skew my perceptions and reactions towards the Hatter.

2. Contains Matt Frewer.
Max Headroom was a bright spot in a very dark time.

3. Promo vids show #1 fanboying all over #2.

4. Also contains: Harry Dean Staton, Kathy Bates and Colm Meaney
Seriously. It guarantees that even if it's for shit - they will kick ass eating the scenery.

5. Promo vids also contain the writer/director declaring that only Swinging LSD 60s decor can capture the essence of Wonderland. (OK, maybe not "declaring" it, but it's damn well implied)

6. Also contains an actor named "Philip Winchester" so has a bonus RandomSPNConnection.

In fact the only thing that made me leery was that the writer/director was responsible for "Tin Man". And while I didn't not like Tin Man, it left me "meh". I liked the concept but it was so fucking depressing and I have to be in the mood for it. The Wizard of Oz also doesn't resonate with me the way Alice does. (Also, I don't relate well to either Deschanel girl on screen for some reason.)

But we're good now - so *presses play*


(And yes, I JUST STARTED the four HOUR mini. STOP NOW. I won't be hurt. I just want to remember why I'm so shiny for it later.)


OK - the main title theme sounds like Deep Purple's "Hush" which is amusing on several levels. But it segues into Alice leading a dojo class. The class having served its purpose of beating the crap out of her boyfriend, Jack. She dismisses the class to finish the job so we can find out that Alice is not a swooning high school girl, but a grown up capable of handling herself and then kissing the Pretty to make him feel better about it.

Cool.

Jack = Philip Winchester and I feel I should know him... (Hi IMDB! OH! He's Crusoe. ... no, I don't know him then...)

There's a bit with Alice, apples and a homeless guy on the way home for the Big Mom Meet/Dinner. And Mom and I are all "apples"? Like Snow White? What?

It doesn't matter though because JANET!!!! SG1'S JANET FRASER IS ALICE'S MOM!!! HI JANET!!! Janet tells me all how about Alice's Daddy Issues of Abandonment is so big that it has a baby issue called Fear of Commitment. Meanwhile Winchester buys flowers and looks broody about a parking meter ninja... he is SO Sam.

He shows up with flowers and he's revealed to also be TALLBOY Winchester. HEE. Janet's name is Carol - which I thought was a Lewis Carrol shout out but Daddy's name isn't actually Lewis. So screw you, Show, I'm calling her Janet.

There's a moment of Kat Confusion because they make a THING to tell me that Alice's Daddy Issues of Abandonment are 10 years old, and later they'll tell me that Alice was 10 when he left. Which makes her 20. But all the promos say she's 23. ... why? Why do that to me? I want to crush on you, Syfi Mini!!! Let me!!!

Janet and Winchester pass the small talk test without instantly hating each other. Janet foolishly believes it's safe to leave them alone. The second she leaves Kat's Big Nitpick shows up. See? Everything was better with Janet!!!!

Nitpick Part A:
Jack gets a text from a blocked number saying RUN. Who sends it? We're never told, and are, in fact, later led to believe that Jack is friendless and on the run in our world.
Instead of taking the very good advice. Jack instead launches

Nitpick Part B:
the Bullshit story. I'm gonna rant about this when we get to the reveal - I just want to note it now. Instead of running, he wants Alice to meet his family. Now. No. RIGHT NOW. They'll love her. She's perfect. Besides she'll be wearing this ring. This really-old-looking-has-its-own-puzzlebox-carrier ring. Here, let him put it on you. RIGHT NOW. Grab your coat. It's an adventure!

And then he's genuinely surprised when the girl with the baby Fear of Commitment freaks the fuck out on him. Which, given who he turns out to be is a little understandable and is slightly funny. Yes, Jack. In the real world, people turn down the spontaneous jackasses. Winchester brings back the SPN connections by trying to badly lie his way into getting her to go along and instead making himself look crazy stalker-killer.

Alice kicks him out and gets hugged. I only mention the hug cause hugging is a THING in this and it's interesting on the second viewing to note that she doesn't hug him back. Jack leaves and Janet comes back and is all "Dude. I left you alone for like... two minutes. How could even you lose the guy in that short a time?"

Alice is completely shitty at describing how psycho he kinda became and is all OMG!RING! and then she realizes he snuck the ring into her pocket. Now she's really OMG!RING?! Oh fuck no!

And that's when I start girl-crushing on Alice a little bit. Because she's totally not taking the passive aggressive attack lying down. She's thinking he's trying to force the issue for the wrong reason, but I love that she wouldn't take that kind of bullshit from a guy. Get in his face and chew him a new one, Alice!!!

Of course, Jack's a Winchester. So he's getting choked and kidnapped and totally ruining the roll Alice was on. Typical. Hee.

Then she meets the White Rabbit. He doesn't say he's the White Rabbit, but he's all dressy and has long white hair tied in a manner to resemble floppy rabbit ears. He even kinda hippity hops away after stealing the ring box from her. And he has a white rabbit on his lapel.

Alice? Girl-crush? You're name is Alice. You just chased the White Rabbit around a corner, fell INTO A BIG ASS MIRROR IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, fell, fell, fell and landed in a weird ass building in the clouds. What do you mean "What is this place?" ?!

IT'S WONDERLAND, YOU MORON!!!!

Don't make me take back my girl-crush!!!!

During the commercial break, Mom and I figure that Jack must be the "Jack" of Hearts. I mention this because it will be close to 3 hours before the "shocking" reveal and I'm hoping it wasn't really meant to be shocking.

Back from commercial and my girl-crush almost dies because Alice chases the White Rabbit and the Baddies to doors marked with a big ass White Rabbit logo. She then STANDS THERE as a huge flying mechanical beetle moseys on up and burns a tattoo on her arm. You read me. STANDS THERE. I'm really hoping that's editing and not intended. I think it was supposed to already be on top of her when she turns instead of a block away. Whatever. It doesn't excuse what happens next.

She goes through the doors and the building's a ruin covered with vines. Except the brightly lit white padded room at the end. AND SHE GOES INTO IT. ARGH!!!! How is that a good idea? HOW?! And then she reads a bottle on the table marked "Curiosity - killed the cat!" but indulges her curiosity and looks through a slat on the far wall. *headdesk repeatedly*

Unsurprisingly, the room seals up and the walls even close in and she's in a padded box more than room. White Rabbit shows up to moustache twirl, call her an oyster and announce that he must dash as he's running late. (You know. In case you were like Alice and hadn't figured out who he was yet.)

The room is literally a box from the outside on a chain. Alice regains my girl-crush status by not wasting energy screaming or kicking. She finds a seam, picks the floor and manages to catch herself before falling. All within 30 seconds.

Alice is fucking AWESOME.

There a creeptastic Matrix-y shot where you realize the thing carrying the box on a chain is the Flying Mechanical Beetle that tattooed her and that it has dozens of boxes. It's humans as fresh catch. It's even nicer that they don't wallow in it. Alice falls into a lake, and without ever even bothering to kick off those retro heeled booties, swims a mile to the closest shore. AWESOME.

Once on shore, she meets Rat (should be Mouse, but ok...) and hilarious reacts "um... you're kinda freaking me out" to being called THE Alice? THE Alice of LEGEND? I am also in love with the way she runs all flaily. But she does a great job showing how she follows Rat to the Tea Shop because she has no choice.

Mom called Doormouse before me. HEE. My nerdom, it's honestly earned. But WallStreet barkering as a Mad Tea Party and selling of human emotion as a commodity. Why Show! Are you going to make an analogy?! Have something to SAY?! ♥ ♥ ♥

My girl-crush is now secure. Alice totally gets what's going on, even if she doesn't believe in it or understand the logistics. She is Alice of Legend at this point. Going along with the story without fear because it's just nonsense to her. And that's where she's at when she meets the Hatter.


HATTER. OMG. Such love. In the original story, the Hatter is not actually mad. It's the Tea Party that's mad. The Hatter has simply murdered Time and Time, in retaliation, keeps making it Tea Time for him. The Hatter is going mad - which is entirely different than being mad.

BUT SHOW!!!! HI HATTER!!!!

OK, he's got knowledge of Alice's universe. And he's gentle with her simply because he can be. And quirky and flirty and FUN. And yes, I'm smitten. He's getting the exposition caught up to the rest of us - and he's doing it while flirting with the pretty girl in the very wet dress and mocking Ratty and his smell. How can you not love him?!

So - Alice of Legend was the book and it was 150 years ago. She "brought down the entire House of Cards" which has since been rebuilt. "Suits" (another card reference) collect people from our world as "oysters" for the pearls (emotions) inside us. They drain us of emotions. The flying beetle light makes oysters turn green so that tat is a neon sign saying "FREAK HERE".

And another baby issue rears its head. Trusting Men. Alice rather objects to being paid for. But can't help by being horrified silent as Hatter pays for her with Excitement and she connects the dots to the Tea Market out front. Also - in the market, Excitement was Green and the Pink was Passion. It's funny and creepy to think that Rat wouldn't know the difference. I now wonder what Hatter was drinking as she came in? Tea spiked with Calm and Soothing? The better to soothe a frightened oyster?

I really wish there was a way to know the backstory for Hatter. How does he know about money and such? I love how he side steps the whole issue with the "alive and ... moderately happy" and look! He's has Issues with Trust too!!! It's the trope where the Con Man just wants Something True. *squee* (Con Man With A Soft Spot is a button for me. I am a DeanGirl after all)

YAY Baddies!!! What's that, Show? Vegas will strip me of identity and self awareness? OK. Now I know. It's a kinda cool show-don't-tell explanation of the emotion draining mechanics. Plus it gives us the Walrus and The Carpenter! WHEE!!!! (The Carpenter's entire speech is a paraphrasing of the poem. It's LOVE.) Also I love the warping of the book - The Walrus and The Carpenter lure oysters in the original material as well.

OK, I just realized they cut straight from The Carpenter to Alice and I still never saw the connection coming.

Hatter is waiting for Alice to keep up and again - she does a great job doing "quick but really cautious and shaky" climb down the ladder. Hatter obviously has had enough and just picks her up and puts her down the last couple of steps. 1. YAY Manhandling. (You know what I mean) and 2. HA! I love the slightly annoyed look he gets when she thanks him. She is too close to the edge and now we have a Fear of Heights to add to the Daddy Issues of Abandonment, Fear of Commitment and Issue Trusting Men. Ye gods. That ledge is getting crowded.

But it's ok, because Fear of Heights and Issue Trusting Men are going to show us the OTP. Cause Hatter - once he's clued in - neither mocks the phobia or dismisses it. He's just There For Her. And she Trusts him. Awwwwwww. *draws pink sparkly hearts*

Back to the Baddies. HI COLM!!! OMG HI!!!!!! It's another cut from Alice to the Carpenter. (facepalm). "Instant Gratification is a very complex business." HEE. What's that, Show? Instant Gratification eats at the moral fiber of society? Why do you think this is relevant in our Internet driven age? What's that? Irony? Never heard of it. Why?

But anyway, they can't open the ring box. Men. Heh. But yes, Show. I know Alice took the ring out before the White Rabbit got it. Thanks for the reminder though.

In the casino, an oyster wakes up, creeps out the staff and gets taken out to "the waiting room". "Did you talk? You shouldn't have talked!"

Creeeeeeeeeepy.

SOURCE MATERIAL REFERENCE!!!! The library book Hatter claims to return is a work from "Edwin and Morcar" in reference to the "driest speech" Mouse knows and recites to dry them all after the Pool of Tears. "How does the little crocodile improve his shining tail? - He pours water of the Nile on every golden scale." is the poem Alice recites (and then realizes the words are all wrong) to stop herself from crying (which leads to the Pool of Tears).

More Con Man With A Soft Spot material. Alice must be reassured. Even if it's just about a creaky bus elevator. awwww (Shut up. If it was J2 schmoop, you'd be awwing too)

More backstory hints. Hatter's hand is referred to as a sledgehammer and they've "seen what it can do". That and other things make me wonder if the Hatter is the one that killed the Mad March and damaged the original head so badly. The Hatter and the March Hare are neighbors in the original and Hatter in Show has connections to the Suits.

Duck and Lorry (more source!!!) are handled much the same as Alice - he's definitely in Smooth Operator mode. It's also interesting to note the use of "you" and "we" (since Alice will later). When he talks about the Resistance, it's "them" or "you", but when they are looking out across the Great Library and talking about preserving the knowledge and feeding the refugees, it's "we". He likes humanity, just not people. He also gets the Queen's real power is in the compliance of her subjects. The Quick Fix over Real Solutions. OUCH, Show! That anvil's heavy!!!!

Speaking of the Queen - HI KATHY!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! And she's wonderful. Monarchy as mobsters. Crazy-cakes to boot! "an oyster is running around Wonderland with MY ring?!" HEE. And all the suits just get STILL. pleasedon'tlookatmeplease I love the little gesture she makes to execute the White Rabbit. 10 Clubs: His head, ma'am? QoH: Yes, of course, what else? His foot?

And the glee with the question "Is the Mad March alive yet?" HEE. I knew from the promo stuff what the March Hare would look like, but really, that look just says it all.

Dodo's Library. A dodo in charge of forgotten knowledge. How fitting... "Jack Chance - Chase" - Both names suit the LYING LIAR WHO LIES heh. Dodo is just as self important as he is in the source material. Yeesh. But yay, more Hatter fill-in-the-blanks - he's working as a double agent at least sometimes - and is doing a good enough job as a Suit Agent that Dodo doesn't fully trust him. He also calls him a carpet bagger so that Tea Shop I think really was fully owned by Hatter. He's using it as both a way to peddle the Queen's goods and as such perfect cover for refugees?

But he's making a profit of some sort which is what annoys Dodo. To Hatter, it seems to just be a fact of existence. It's a shock to Alice that he would and it's a shock to him that she's fighting for the ring.

When Dodo recognizes it, it's the first time Hatter's calm is threatened. Dodo's a friggin fanatic - freedom by any means necessary or just revenge - but Hatter's more protective of Alice than loyal to Dodo. I wonder if it's because she trusts him/has no one else? Hatter's not going to sacrifice one for the many (or the money) so that "we" was real earlier in the Library.

Whatever Hatter is, he's not a fighter. That punch nearly takes out a pillar, but it doesn't connect and he's easily taken out with a kick. But that's ok, my newest Girl-Crush goes Xena on Dodo's ass. And as she comes back for him, I'm guessing Hatter now shares my crush.

"He almost killed me!"
"Yeah, well he actually shot me!"
HEE.

Hatter once again provides exposition so we know that the Ring is the power for the Looking Glass. There used to me more stones and mirrors but the Queen wiped out the Knights that made them and kept the last one for herself to control the oyster flow. Hatter still amuses me while providing backstory. *pets*

10 Clubs and the Carpenter bitch at each other about Mad March not being finished yet. "Where's his head?" "That's the part I'm still working on!" HEE. Neither of them want to tell the Queen. HI COOKIE JAR OF STAGED IMPORTANCE!

Alice on another ledge. Reality has set in and with it - PANIC. She has a freak-out while Hatter chases around a tree. HA! But the gist is that Hatter is all protective mode and is genuinely involved now. awwww...

ANOTHER CUT between Carpenter and Alice. Holy crap did I miss that. But he's prepping the Queen for the shortcuts he took getting Mad March online. "How short?" Dear Kathy Bates, ILU!

But the scene is just creepy good fun as the Queen FINALLY has someone to play "I'm Crazier Than You Are" with. She also gets to show off her emotional manipulation. She's not really "malice" as much as "spoiled" really. March is novel for mouthing off to her.

Ledge of OTP Denial: Hatter and Alice walk and look pretty as they recap for people who missed the first hour. Jack, the boyfriend, is captured and Alice has the Ring which will open the Looking Glass back home but they can't get to the heavily guarded mirror or get Jack out of whatever mess he's landed in. Hatter looks suspicious about just how Jack got it. Alice is in her happy place where Jack just got mixed up in something he shouldn't have for love of her and wanting to impress her. Hatter wants to know specifics - which Alice doesn't have. Alice wants to strike a bargain and Hatter tries and fails to explain the Crazy that is tQoH.

"I know a thing or two about liking people. And in time, after much chocolate and cream cake, Like turns into What Was His Name Again?" HEE and OW but mostly HEE. The Tea Market's been raided. (Hatter's place was the first place March thought to look? There's GOT to be a backstory there.) Hatter doesn't recognize the freak show the March Hare now is, but does seem to recognise something about him. I love that Alice and Hatter are all RUN!!!! and the Baddies catch up by WALKING with determination (tm)catanezy.

It also backfires as Hatter can't get his smuggling boat to start, but it's ok, as the Baddies can't be bothered to run, they just walk - so they get away. You gotta love a good trope.

Then there's the boat scene. Hatter says "we" - Alice notices. But Hatter wants to go with her? When did that happen? Just from the shop? From seeing the March Hare? I do think it's genuine, but it's kinda out of left field to me. But damn do they sell it. He's got his own issues with Never Being the Chosen One and won't make eye contact. Alice is moved without a doubt. He's lost everything because of her and I don't doubt she'll let him come. Someone coming WITH her instead of leaving her behind -mmm... yummy issues.

The Jabberwock - Oh Hatter. This plan sucks balls. Alice can't leave him and quite possibly doesn't quite believe in Jabberwocks. But it's a "cute" moment. I kinda love how Alice in her retro boots can outrun the Jabberwock and how both outrun Hatter. We do get another glimpse of the Wonder Punch though. Not an indication of backstory so much as just something he can do - there's no training involved. They fall into the White Knight's Gravity Assisted Snare Mark IV.

HI MATT FREWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At this point, I began giggling at EVERYTHING. MF's over the top accent and rolling vowels and r's - A-LPotts various faces of Pie-In-The-Sky-Crazycakes and CS's inability not to smile. (I'm willing to bet they had great bloopers.) I LOVE THIS SCENE. Right down to Hatter's insistence that Alice keeps the ring. Which - he's actually the only one who keeps giving it back - so he's not a mercenary any more. Besides "Did he just call me a vessel?" HEE.

The White Knight takes over the exposition duty from Hatter. Aw. They're already buddies. The Red King's Court was an elected monarchy of over 1000 years. Then tQoH came and started a war and won over the commoners with quick fixes. "She only wanted to feel the good. None of the bad." They settle into camp at the old Throne Room (with the rotting corpse of the Red King still there?! Yummy.) and munch on some Borogove (another Jabberwocky reference) ribs and then we have an OTP scene... I think.

This scene confuses me. When we first saw it, Mom and I were convinced that Hatter had figured out who Jack was. But Hatter tells Alice that "you" have a chance to negotiate with the White Rabbit Org as long as "you" have the ring. She calls him on the lack of "we" and he says that he's thought through the decision on the boat and decided he can't leave Wonderland.

It's quite possible the Knights City has affected him like that (as it isn't figuring out who Jack is) but the flip flopping is making me dizzy. He then tells her to use the ring as leverage, but he also wants the ring as leverage to get back in the Resistance's good graces. um... how does that work? You can't turn it in and Alice turn it in...

He wants her to forget Jack. Which is for more than one reason - but I still liked the scene better when I thought he knew who Jack really was and didn't want to tell her to spare her feelings. As for Alice, she's taking it as yet another Trusting Men problem so she doesn't quite catch just how much Hatter likes her. Hatter's Never Being the Chosen One Issue overwhelms him and he looks so genuinely sad to be fighting with her. That night, Alice can't sleep so she looks at the Sleeping Hatter with Gaze of Fondness and Fraught With Foreboding and the next time we see her, she's sans jacket and looking back on the camp.

Can you say dream sequence?

Her dead cat Dinah appears and leads her away from a roaring Jabberwocky. Dinah is the name of BookAlice's cat too. I am forced to re-call BULLSHIT at Alice not figuring out the Wonderland connections in the beginning. DreamKitty gives her a Chesire grin and leads her to a tree with a door. Alice, of course, goes in. My girl-crush goes on notice again. DON'T GO INTO THE CREEPY MAGIC TREE YOU MORON!!!!

Alice appears as a young girl in a traditional Alice blue dress and she's in her old house looking for her dad. She opens the door to an empty room and drops her book (Alice in Wonderland. To which I again call BULLSHIT YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU WERE). And then she wakes up back at the tree.

A Rube-Goldberg-Would-Be-Proud alarm system wakes Hatter and Charlie (the White Knight is named Charlie!!!) up. Charlie id's it as the perimeter being breached and is all for mounting a war, but Hatter's lovesick addled brain realizes Alice is gone and left her coat behind (it means she can deny Hatter helped her). Alice leaving set off the alarm and Hatter quickly starts packing up a horse to follow. Charlie provides an indescribably hilarious attempt to figure out which way to go. Hatter doesn't need it - he knows where she's going. She going to the casino to find Jack. Charlie's alarmed into sanity at the thought.

Mom and I were wondering how in the hell she knew which way to go. Apparently her plan was to walk around in the open until the Mad March Hare caught her and took her where she wanted. And this is from the person who thought the lead-the-Jabberwock-to-the-Baddies was a stupid plan. Wow.

But at last, tQoH meets Alice. Alice tries the whole "Ring? What Ring?" line. The King of Hearts inadvertently reveals that they aren't even sure she has the Ring in Wonderland. tQoH finally decides that there's only 10 minutes left in this half so it's time to cut the bullshit. She reveals that she knows Alice's plan was to get caught, place her demands and then return the ring when they're safe. Alice cops to it. "Jack Chase" is, by coincidence, just outside! "Me wonders why" meows tQoH.

Of course Jack Chase is Jack Heart, the Queen's son, who denies caring about Alice and claims:
He was just having a stag fling
Alice ransacked his stuff and stole the ring
Which he only took so he'd have a way to get back.

Alice is just in shock. And though it's obvious he's leading her NOT to give up the ring, she's so shaken she's having problems forming words. But she manages to demand nothing more to do with Jack, just to take her home and then she'll give the ring back. Jack offers to make sure it happens.

tQoH grows bored with the level of bullshit and declares she wouldn't trust Jack if he told her "the sun was round" and brings out yet another hammer to hit Alice with. The Duchess - Jack's blonde bombshell fiancee - comes in does everything short of spraying him. It's also implied she's part cat. "You're going to tell us what you did with the ring, and then you're going to wish you'd never met my son."

Lady, I'm pretty sure she's there now.

Jack makes a show of blowing her off as a cover to slipping her a watch. tQoH orders Alice taken to the Room of Truth. On the way, Alice id's the watch as Daddy and Daddy Issues of Abandonment overwhelm all sense of danger. Jack finds himself locked in his room like a punished 8 year old. HEE.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum show up as torturers to peel open Alice's mind until they find the very thing they're looking for. They are using quotes in a really creepy manner and I'm never going to be able to look at them the same way again. Plus? They're dressed like they're in the House Harkonnen in Dune for crying out loud! *shudder*

Alice is once again in her childhood home. She's shrunken small as the giant Tweedles walk around outside. They quickly learn that "Daddy left you with a fear of heights" and have the floorboards fall in a bottomless pit. Alice tries to convince herself it's all a dream and to wake up and steps off. She has to quickly catch herself and realizes it's NOT a dream. The Tweedles don't really care about getting the location of the ring - they just want to pull the wings off her mental flies.

End Part One.

(that took 5 hours because of power outages. This is how obsessed I get with shiny new fandoms.)

Part Two.

Main Title still sounds like "Hush" in places. Alice manages to swing up on the board. She points out that the Queen will be pissed and that she'll tell if they let her out. They are unmoved.

Jack is being straddled by the Duchess who's forcing "Honesty" down his throat to find out what the hell is up with Alice. Jack mutters that he needed Alice but then 10 Clubs interrupts with a summons from the Queen. I feel for Jack, but Alice still has it worse. The Tweedles are dissolving the plank holding her up. She stalls for time saying she needs to draw a map. A desk with quill and paper appears along with white gloves and a ladies fan - (which is a book reference and creepily insinuates the Tweedles got to play with the White Rabbit from Part One before he lost his head. oooo.)

Hatter and Charlie show up as Robinson and Duckworth. LOL (Robinson Duckworth was Lewis Carrol's friend and there on the famous day Carrol told his story to entertain bored Alice. He's the Duck in the book for the caucus race. Which also makes him the bus driver/elevator operator in the Library in Show.) They are pretending to be "Guardians to Mesmeric Portals of the Universe" (stage hypnotists). Hatter earns his name with a hat trick and knocks out the stage door guard.

The Duchess gives anyone silly enough to not like the OTP because of Jack a way out. tQoH is chewing her out for not finding out what Jack's up to. tQoH earns my love by pointing out that Jack doesn't love Alice - or at least didn't just fall in love with her by chance. He deliberately singled Alice out in our world for a specific reason. The Duchess obviously loves Jack for real - the happy end for the triangle - unless she decides to fall for Hatter.

Meanwhile Hatter and Charlie are somehow NOT drawing attention to their obviously lost selves wandering around the halls. Hatter wants to split up to increase chances for actually finding Alice before it's too late, but Charlie decides to use the Black Arts to divine her location.

Hatter is as dubious as the rest of the audience but Charlie reaches into the mist to lift the heavy veil that shrouds the Oracle anyway. No, really. Down here - take the second left at the stairs that lead up to the third floor then past the double doors take the third walkway on the right to the fitness center to reception B and ask SHEILA.

All in one breath with A-LPotts NOT laughing. That must have been harder than it sounds.

"Sheila?" "Maybe Shakena"

AND IT WORKS.

OMG CHARLIE FUCKING ROCKS.

The pocket doors across from Alice's floating desk of doom pop open and Hatter catches himself before going down the pit. He yells for Alice to JUMP and without a Trusting Men issue in sight, she jumps on the desk, ignores the Fear of Heights, swings from the chandelier and lands in Hatter's arms. Alice wants to know how. So do the Tweedles and the audience, but when Charlie announces they are actually in Alice's head - Hatter advises all not to ask. HEE.

The Tweedles yell for security as Charlie finds a door out to the casino (NOT ASKING) and the chase is on. The Tweedles clutch Alice's map and cackle as there are RUNNING HEROES followed by QUICKLY WALKING SUITS. HEE. They duck in an elevator and Alice bitches when Hatter picks UP. Charlie starts oaths of devotion and Alice bitches that they shouldn't have come. Hatter asks if she gave up the ring and accuses her of trying to deal with the Queen. Alice mutters that she needs more time as Daddy Issues of Abandonment join her in the elevator. Hatter thinks Alice is still trying to save Jack but she tells him who Jack is.

From Hatter's reaction, he didn't know. So I'm still not entirely sure if they've sold me on Hatter's suddenly finding the Resistance cause - but that's all we've got left. There's no real time to deal. They take out the guards on the roof. Rather - Charlie goes down trying to draw his sword. Alice makes quick work of the one guard. Hatter gets his ass handed to him until he can get a right cross in. He turns around in time to see Charlie take a cheap shot at the downed suit and thinks Charlie took him out. I just realized that's a plot point later.

They make for the flying flamingo jet skis (you read that right) and Fear of Heights does a quick cosplay as Fear of Flying on Flying Flamingo Jet Skis. Alice is NOT getting on that, thank you very much. "I've got a THING about flying!" (Suits open fire) "Yeah? I've got a THING about bullets!" HEE

Hatter pulls himself together long enough to BE THERE for Alice and assures her he wouldn't let her do it if it wasn't going to be ok. Trusting Men Issue disappears and Alice gets on the back of Hatter's Flamingo. Charlie hits the glowing red button and goes from 0 to Mach 1 in 2 seconds. heh. They take off and go past a disbelieving Jack's window. Heh. Hatter's bitching about Alice's taste in posh airs and graces which Alice denies - but it's so the appeal of Winchester. The idea of slamming Mr Prim and Proper to the ground and climbing aboard. So she tells him to shut up and drive. HEH.

Of course, the Suits are better at the Flying Flamingo Jet Skis and shoot them down. Into the Lake. Yes, that Lake. The one she swam across, then boated across, came back across as March's prisoner and is now FLYING OVER. Jesus, girl. Buy real estate.

During the commercial break, Gabe Tigerman doesn't get a Toyota and makes me rewind to verify that yep, that was him. HEE.

Jack has a James Bond moment, beats up the guard and plays Bondage with the Duchess. It is so the posh airs and graces. YUM.

The Tweedles have a map to a locker in Central Station. tQoH sends 9 Clubs for her reading glasses and demands to see Alice. The King and 10 Clubs share a hilarious mental coin toss and the King loses. He explains about the "70 - at least!- crack commandos" that broke Alice out of the Tweedles Room of Truth. tQoH takes the news rather well. She simply commands them to find her. The King and 10 share relieved looks as tQoH then calls for Jack to ask HIM about Central Station. The King and 10 are all OH SHIT.

The verbal "oh fuck no - YOU TELL her" is lost by 10 who says that Jack appears to have disappeared. "how- no. Don't tell me, I don't want to know." Dear Kathy Bates, ILU!

9 rushes in with the glasses and no clue. She stomps the glasses and then orders 9's beheading for clumsiness. 10 looks actually scared for his friend/brother/numbermate but the King tells him to bring him back as by tomorrow tQoH will have forgotten she killed him. He also orders the March to go get Alice - AGAIN.

Alice and Hatter are on the beach - Alice is soaked AGAIN. They're looking for Charlie and cover and Hatter is worried about the ring. This is because Alice has yet to reassure him that she didn't tell anyone where it was and the last Hatter saw - she had it. But Trusting Men has returned in full force and Hatter's persistence feels like a setup. He gets to pay for Jack's betrayal and he's pissed that she STILL doesn't him after that rescue. Alice is certain he only did it to get the Ring for the Resistance. A cause she's actually behind - but first she has to find Daddy. She gets all hopeful and open and shows him the watch and relates how Jack got it to her. Hatter's a little touchy about Never Being the Chosen One - especially since Alice appears to be choosing Jack - the jackass who got her in this mess - over him - the guy that just risked his life for her.

He flatly accuses Jack of lying and how can she believe Jack over him? Alice of course just hears a litany of how stupid she's been. They scream it out and even manage to reveal Jack's engagement to the Duchess. Hatter is practically pleading with her not to believe Jack and starts to bring up the same points as tQoH - that it's not coincidence that suddenly Daddy's Alive. But Charlie's singing interrupts them. They have a quick reunion and then start back arguing. Alice wants to go back. Hatter accuses her of still being hooked by Jack - when he's just using her.

"And you're not?"
Which, of course, he's not anymore. But to admit he's doing it because he's falling in love with her can't be done so he tries to recruit her to the Cause. He pitches a plea to the "Caterpillar" - the leader of the Resistance. Hatter will go make contact and Alice will stay with Charlie. Daddy Issues of Abandonment raises its head hopefully and Alice doesn't look at all convinced he'll come back.

Hatter grabs Dormie (yay! Mom was right - that IS the Doormouse!) and tells him to make contact with Caterpillar - of course he does so with a vaguely ominous manner - but there's no way I'm buying we're supposed to believe he's playing Alice this late in the game. Charlie and Alice bond and Charlie's sanity comes back long enough for him to reveal that he's not actually a Knight. He was a 10 year old Squire (a spear bearer) who ran from the final battle and hid for 3 days. He's been waiting for a chance at redemption and revenge for his King.

Another cut from Alice looking at the King to Carpenter looking at the oysters who were in the waiting room. He puts them back under and sends them back to the casino.

Hatter surprises Charlie sleeping - or astral projecting if you choose to believe Charlie. Hatter finds Alice looking pensive on a hill. He's all happy about the Special Agent coming to take them to see Caterpillar. She's just overwhelmed that he broke the Daddy Issues of Abandonment and came back. They both take in the rather stunning view. He vows that the days of kissing up to the Hearts while he feeds their enemies are over. He can't pretend anymore. Alice - with nothing left to fight about - finally admits she's worried what she'll do if she's stuck in Wonderland. Hatter promises he'll make sure she's okay. Daddy Issues of Abandonment and Trusting Men howl and flee from the overwhelming One True Pairing-ness taking over the screen and soundtrack. Hatter and Alice lean into kiss -

- and Jack shows up to ruin the mood. Jackass. He's knocked down and tied up Charlie!!!!! No! BAD WINCHESTER! Jackass has the NERVE to be snotty about the company she's keeping and demands Alice go with him. He plays the trump of "I'll take you to Daddy". Hatter calls her on trusting Jack. But Jack reveals he is the Resistance Agent to take Alice to Caterpillar - who recruited Jack into said Resistance.

Jack took the ring in an effort to stage a coup - which failed miserably. But they want to try again. He's against his mother. He gives her Trusting Men issue a choice - a resistance insider and future king who's already got the trip home on the schedule - who cares for her more than anyone else in the world (the Duchess means nothing) - or this man?

Alice tells him where the ring is (she put it on the Rotting Red King EW) but actually looks ready to call him on his other bullshit. But Hatter's issue of Never Being the Chosen One has completely overwhelmed him and he's given up. He wishes Alice the best of luck and laughs at her assertion that he's coming with them.

Sure enough, Jack claims that Caterpillar insists she comes alone (I call bullshit). And Hatter stops her from pushing the matter and walks away. Daddy Issues of Abandonment get confused and Alice allows Jack to lead her away. On the road, Alice asks YET AGAIN about the Duchess who Jack claims is his mother's creature and there are no feelings on either side. BULLSHIT. He swears that Alice has his complete heart. OH BULLSHIT. Fortunately, Hatter and Charlie are following before I choke on it.

Jack and Alice make their way back into the city and go to the "Hospital of Dreams" - where Wonderland citizens who've od'd on emotion are kept. The Caterpillar's hiding in a boat in an indoor pool there... as one does.

HI HARRY DEAN STANTON!!!!! HI!!!!!!!!!!!! The hookah smoking Caterpillar says the Resistance wants to ask Daddy about new horizons and reveals that Jack's meeting her wasn't a coincidence. They wanted her.

OK. While they tour the asylum, I need to rant.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???? So - Jack wants Alice to wake up Daddy for the Resistance. So WHY did he steal the ring? Why not just duck through the Looking Glass under the pretext of a stag party and bring her back as "an oyster" and smuggle her out to the Resistance. If - as he said - he stole the ring to trigger a coup - how the hell does that work? He must have known it wouldn't have until after Daddy is woken up.

AND THEN WHY GIVE THE RING TO ALICE? Once he was in danger of being caught - WHY BRING ATTENTION TO ALICE IF SHE'S THAT DAMN IMPORTANT? And what was all the nonsense about Alice meeting his family? Did he mean to imply the Resistance was his family? Wouldn't he want to keep all attention OFF Alice and let the Resistance send someone else to recruit her?

WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR BRAIN DAMAGE YOU JACKASS?!!?!!

ahem.

Ok. I feel better. That was annoying to me. More than Hatter's motivation - which just isn't given enough time to sell me on it - that whole thing just makes NO SENSE to me. But it's not enough to kill my pink sparkly hearted love for the mini.

The inmates are paraded for Alice and the Caterpillar reveals that the Oyster's emotions are overwhelming and potentially - in the wrong mixes - lethal to Wonderland inhabitants. So they want to return ALL the oysters to our world so they can go about detoxing theirs. Alice is the key in that she can wake up Daddy who can wake up all the others. Alice FINALLY calls Jack on being a LYING LIAR WHO LIES and Jack and Caterpillar are all OH JUST WAKE UP YOUR DAD ALREADY.

Daddy is the Carpenter who has been kidnapped by the Resistance. Well ok then. I was taken completely by surprise the first time through, but this part actually makes sense. They've been showing us that people regain their senses fairly regularly. Only the Carpenter keeps them sedated. So you get him to resist and you're 90% home free.

Alice doesn't seem to give a shit about their "noble" cause but she's overwhelmed at the sight of her father. Daddy Issues of Abandonment wallow in the angst that's pinging all over the place. She starts telling him about their life. The Carpenter fights the memories and the Caterpillar and Jack look nervous. But Alice finally gets to see DADDY and won't stop talking about things. When it doesn't work - she starts to cry - prompting him to call her Jelly Bean.

She brings up Dinah's death and how he held her for hours afterwards and gives him the watch Jack gave her. She puts it on him. He's obviously emotional but doesn't remember - March Hare and 10 Clubs show up - because Jack SUCKS at not being followed and covering his tracks and arrest them all. March Hare demands to know where Hatter is (backstory!). The Carpenter turns back to the loyal servant and the Caterpillar very calmly eats a mushroom and disappears (CANON REFERENCE!!!!) - because even though he's Awesome Harry Dean Stanton - he's a hookah smoking Caterpillar and CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Hatter and Charlie watch as Jack and Alice are taken by the suits and Hatter wants to mount an attack. Charlie's taken aback but Hatter insists that surprise and horses will give them enough time for Charlie to grab Alice. This will sacrifice Hatter but will work as Charlie knows how to handle himself. (And this is where it becomes significant that Hatter thinks he took out the guard on the Flying Flamingo Roof earlier.) Hatter attacks, but Charlie loses his nerve and runs again. Hatter gets overwhelmed fairly quickly.

tQoH gets her ring and is all happy. She's also got Alice in a weird hamster ball. Alice can hear them, but they can't hear her. The King spills that Alice is a "contaminant" - the Carpenter's daughter that Jack hoped to use to wake up the oysters. But tQoH has more faith in her brainwashing and wants to hear Alice's testimony. She brings the Carpenter over and pokes his emotions - while he feels bad, he doesn't remember Alice and leaves. Jack looks worried and Alice is crushed. tQoH and the King round on Jack who tries to get them to send Alice home - reasoning that if the Carpenter sees her executed now it's just an unwarranted risk. The King sees that logic and plays the Queen's ego perfectly so that she decides that banishment is a greater punishment. Jack - however - is to spend the night in the Eye Room and be beheaded in the morning.

I'm actually impressed with Jack for the first time ever. He's genuinely sorry he got Alice into this mess and just wants to get her home. And when his execution sentence is passed, he automatically looks at the crushed Duchess and not Alice. TOLD YOU SO JACKASS.

Charlie's made it back to the Rotting Red King (still EW) and is berating himself for his cowardice. Then he Gets An Idea. There's no clue what it is but you just know it's going to be AWESOME.

Alice is carted off to the looking glass (over the LAKE AGAIN) and the Hatter's in the Truth Room - which the Tweedles have looking like the inside of a lime green lava lamp. He's got his arms securely bound to the chair and they're having random fun with a cattle prod. March Hare comes in and takes over. Hatter? Is quoting the original Hatter - "When is a Raven like a writing desk?" "The clockwork's not ticking properly - maybe crumbs in the butter" and generally going mad rather than give up information about the Library. March Hare knows he won't crack and that there's no point in keeping him alive. There's another Tea Party Quote "Twinkle Twinkle little bat, how I wonder where you're at" from March as he closes in with a knife and "Goodbye Hatter". OMG I WANT THIS BACKSTORY.

Hatter manages to flip in the chair and in the fight, March slices Hatter's right hand free. We get the March eye view of Hatter smashing the Hare head. COOL. Alice is held up at the Looking Glass while the Ring is returned to the Queen and an oyster catch comes through. When Alice sees that the crop is actually kids this time, she gets over the wallowing and kicks ass out of there. BACK OVER THE GODDAMN LAKE ON THE FLYING FLAMINGO JET SKI. Although it takes people shooting at her to get her up in the air. After an aerial dogfight, Alice overcomes the Fear of Heights/Flying and escapes.

The King is sampling new emotions - including Pure Innocence from the kids - when 10 comes in and announces they are under attack - an army has appeared on the hill - it's the Knights. The DEAD ones. Charlie's set up a skeleton army and tQoH is not amused at the sudden Zombie insertion into the story. The suits do some strafing runs - and I guess the Flying Flamingos go too fast for them to clue in - because all suits are called to protect the perimeter. It allows Alice to slip back into the casino and she pauses a moment to absorb the Awesome that is Charlie's insanity.

Meanwhile, the Duchess breaks Jack out of the Eye Room. He's genuinely confused why she's doing it. She's thinking he's a moron but still gets emotional telling him she genuinely cares for him. He doesn't believe her. Pot. Meet Kettle. *rolls eyes*

Alice runs into the casino and blocks one set of doors behind her. Security (down to a pair of guards while the others are fighting Charlie's Army of Darkness) starts to capture her, but Hatter takes them out. Alice hugs him tight for not being dead and Hatter melts on screen and declares: Oh - that feels good.

He regretfully asks for a rain check on the hugging and back to the escaping. She's babbling how sorry she is that she didn't trust HIM and he's all great Let's GO!

No.

The look on Hatter's face is priceless. But Alice has a mission now. She gets Hatter to block the door while she tries to break the system by instigating negative emotions. The techs and workers are all "OH SHIT." Alice shuts down the games and starts prodding the folks - families, kids, wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, names. Slowly people start waking up and become panicky when they can't move. The Carpenter himself gets a flash of her waking him up as he's late for work. It snaps him out of it. He heads to the casino and isn't stopped because Charlie's Army of Darkness is doing surprisingly well until Charlie's knocked out by a strafing run.

The Walrus finally chases him down and they struggle and the Walrus gets shot in the gut. But by the time the Carpenter gets to the casino, some suits break in and start a shooting war with Hatter over the heads of the awakening people. The bad emotions pump out continuously. The Carpenter stops THAT and tells Alice he remembers. Alice calls BULL and Daddy Issues of Abandonment try to shoot him for leaving. Hatter moves in behind her, but wisely stays OUT of the line of fire between them. DaddyCarpenter relates the full story of Dinah's death and begs for forgiveness for not waking up earlier. Alice breaks down sobbing in his arms as the Walrus comes in for the kill. Daddy sees him at the last moment as takes the bullet in the back for her. The Walrus tries again, but Hatter empties his gun into him (a little late there, babe.). The resulting negative emotions overwhelm the emotion drains. The Techs give up the ghost and FINALLY pull the plug without orders.

Suddenly freed, Everyone panics and RUNS for it - Leaving Alice over her rapidly bleeding out Dad. Daddy Issues of Abandonment become cemented in stone as Daddy dies apologizing for leaving her on her own. Hatter pulls her away.

Speaking of Abandonment - the King refuses to leave with the Queen. He takes the blame for spoiling her but he's not going to start over. He built it all for her and he'll go down with it. (Told you it was more spoiled than malice.) tQoH is disturbed, but pulls herself together and skedaddles off to safety. Charlie wakes up and manages to let go a javelin that coincides with the collapse of the House of Cards. His redemption and revenge complete, he collapses with a grin.

And just as you're thinking he actually scored the killing blow, they cut to his javelin landing harmlessly in the grass somewhere. HEE. ILU, CHARLIE.

EVERYONE from the casino is standing on the lawn. Hatter wants his hug. HEE. But tQoH shows up with the remaining suits and calls for her arrest. But Alice is OVER THIS and calls her on her lack of power. The suits stand down. Jack and the Duchess show up and tQoH asks Jack to make them fall in order. Jack laughs at her. Alice demands the ring to which tQoH declares she'd rather have it cut off with her finger. Alice, Hatter and 10 Clubs are all "OH GOODIE" and Hatter walks forward to do the honors with 10's knife. Jack stops him to admonish him to make it a clean cut with no blood on the ring. HEE.

TQoH bitchfaces and turns over the ring which Alice presents to the cheering mob. Hatter's all "Dammit. Want my hug." HEE.

Mirror room - at least they didn't show the Lake crossing again. Charlie's come to say good-bye and let the audience know he didn't die. YAY CHARLIE! Jack shows up to ask Alice to marry him with the Ring. Alice turns him down as gently as she can and hugs him good-bye. Hatter, of course, chooses THAT moment to come in. Jack asks Alice to start up the Looking Glass in a bit of ceremony. Obviously thinking Alice is about to leave with Jack back to our world, Hatter starts to leave. Alice catches him and Daddy Issues with Abandonment stop her from admitting she wants to stay and issues with Never Being the Chosen One stop him from asking her to stay. They are both obviously trying not to cry as she returns the jacket and share a stilted awkward hug. Alice offers a visit to her world but before they get a chance to explore that possibility a tech shows up with a "Do you mind? I have a schedule to keep attitude" and shoves Alice through. OK HEE. Also - SNIFFLE.

Alice falls and apparently doesn't breathe, because she's fighting for consciousness when a policeman spots her lying in the warehouse she chased the White Rabbit into. She comes to at the hospital, and the sight of her Mom (HI JANET!) brings up the tears over Dead Daddy again. Janet tells her she was only gone an hour in our time (although they don't specify how long she was in the hospital). A construction worker apparently caught some of the White Rabbit Chase and raised the alarm. Janet takes her home and Alice packs up her Search for Dad wall and says it's time to move on. The door buzzer reminds Janet that the construction worker who found her was paying a courtesy call ("very sweet"). As Alice looks at her Alice in Wonderland book, Janet calls for her to meet David (the construction worker). Alice is halfway down the hall when she shouts "HATTER!" and throws herself at him.

They don't even bother revealing Hatter's face until he's being hugged - because really - who would be surprised? Hatter melts again and he clings back with a heartfelt "FINALLY." Which - WORD, Hatter.

They pull apart long enough to start kissing and the camera to pull a really neat trick showing them multiplied in the mirrors of the apartment - and Janet's hilarious "WHAT THE HELL?!" face. and FIN!

YAY! SCHMOOPY FANTASTIC SHINY NEW LOVE.

I'm going to go read Good Omens, the Alice books and dl a bunch of Primevals now. *is happy*