really even an introduction to feminism changes how you see things because misogyny truly is everywhere, all the time, supported by capitalism. so between asking yourself why girlchildren have less inseam on their shorts or why your 6-year-old neighbor's kid already says dinosaurs are for boys, you've also got to put up with your male bosses talking for about 70% longer than strictly necessary.
and you go home and you're just trying to exist but it really is everywhere. you're trying to watch a movie when it dawns on you that pretty much every single powerful woman in media has to spin the wheel on if she's a "sad lady who can't handle her own emotions/power and eventually goes crazy" powerful woman or if she's a "sexy lady who is already crazy but in a male-gaze approved way" powerful woman or if she's a "going to sacrifice herself/her power for others/a man" powerful woman. and of course you're a human being so you'd have to admit you do love when a powerful woman is sexy and powerful, but it does sometimes make your skin crawl when you think about it too hard. because wait if she's sexy the way men find women sexy; that takes away her power somewhat, doesn't it. there always needs to be a way that men think they could somehow overcome her.
and you think of your extended family and how they confidently tell you that women can't be leaders, that even when men mess up, it's because they had an evil woman in their ear. even other women do it - your aunt, while generally a sweetheart, also has asked you to be "less loud" about being feminist and queer. she offers to lend you makeup when you don't wear any, as if being unshod was horrifically unbecoming when you're in front of your actual family.
and you think of how when you say he took credit for my work the response was - well, we're all a team here. you think about how most of the people in the "lower" ranks of your job are women - but the further up the ladder things go, the less you see yourself represented, until women blip out like a dot. a single white lady smiling in front of the CEO - because she can be a boss, but not the boss, after all.
and you think about how you just want to buy a new dress for the wedding you're attending in the fall but instead you're staring at the men in the mall rolling their eyes while they hold bags and look performatively uncomfortable.
online is getting bad. the other day you typed up a whole answer to some body builder who was saying if strength is toxic masculinity, okay, i'm toxic. you had citations and resources essentially to only say you have no idea what that term even means, do you. but what would the point be. his post has fifty-five thousand likes, and you have under 300 followers.
there's a good man in your life and you tried to talk about the fear once, about how when you're in the city alone you have to quiet your music and keep a lookout in the reflections on windows. he said it was dehumanizing on the other side of things, to see a woman get scared when he didn't do anything. in the moment, you have to admit that is probably fair, it would break your heart if someone was scared of you, after all. you end up comforting him.
but late at night you stare at the ceiling and think - what else do you want me to do? simply give up my personal safety to make you more comfortable? i'm not doing that because i like it, i'm doing it because i am trying not to get followed.
in the morning you think of sending him: the patriarchy hurts all of us, even those that benefit directly from it. you think again of the post you almost made, how it felt like you were holding your breath while you typed it, how afterwards you just felt drained and exhausted. what's the point, even.
you can scream all you want. studies show that men just don't want to fucking listen.
