Geekdiva aka Velvet

And a Happy Everything Else!

There Is.
(uncomposed song(s) series)


You
have never been without love
your whole life through
though it may have been hidden
deep inside
you
or another,
every moment
of every day that passed
somewhere
someone
was loving you.

Maybe this thought
is too simple
to fully believe in
when times places people come
that wear you down.

Maybe this thought
is not enough
to quickly save you
when you feel like the only thing left to try
is to drown.

But please remember
when you want the breath you gasp
to be your last, that
you
still have love
if only you'd return to it
believe in it
maybe even learn to be it,
there
is
someone who
is waiting to hold you when you cry.


by Cheryl L. Walker aka geekdiva
(If you wish to share, I am honored, but please link rather than copy. I set the privacy to be public.)

Welcome, abusivecursive, my once and future helper plus my all-around fam-friend!

Speaking of IRL, people have been worried about me there, too, because I've been pushing at my limitation boundaries a bit and... You ever had mono? That's what this current flare-up has felt like, which is the way I've felt every time I've had a major downturn in the past decade.

However, this time I focused on resting up and I think I've beat it. Oh, Ikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkc

OK, I just fell asleep. I'm hitting the post button & lying down before

Oh, crap, fell asleep again. Well, that's the way things have been. More later.

I am working very, very hard to not only be able to be social online regularly, but also in that thing called real life.

I am so sorry I have not been able to work on some of the groups I started. I need to divest myself of them. But that, too, takes time and effort.

I'm *slightly* more active posting on Facebook because it limits my characters, but not as much as Twitter does. :) LJ lets me type too long.

So, more later.

I miss you.

Yay! My doctor agreed to try the new "peaks & valleys" pain med plan that my mom, a former charge ER nurse, came up with. ( Collapse )

I got lower than 25% of my original dose and could have gone lower, but--I have to... LIVE!!! [hands shakily reaching towards the heavens past my tear-faking eyes.] Also, moving ahead on my medical, financial, and organizational plans would help my health, too, by decreasing stress.

So I'll be living on approximately 30%-60% of my original dose: Less on the days I'm recovering & hopefully mostly sleeping, and more on the days I want or need to go out into the world to seek a vast fortune or true love. Or to find out which piece of paper the gum'mit says it needs from me this week.

ps. I filed disability-related paperwork last December & thought everything was fine. A month or two ago "they" told me that, unlike other programs, for the Medica??-related one that gets me a helper, I have to file my medical costs *every month*, or I owe another $700/month. The kicker is that filing paperwork is not supposed to be part of my helper's job!!! But Zoe stayed after to help anyway, bless 'er.

Needing so much paperwork help (even though I was a tech writer/editor at Adobe & Intel) is one way my illnesses affect me when I don't have adequate pain or stress control. I did have a meditation break-through recently that has helped the stress, though.

pps. Yay! ( Collapse )

i've been too sick to go online much for a while, so thx for yr comment. i'll read it all later (this is a txt), but i need a person to take over as moderator.

This is my first one. Um... I am eating hazelnut gelato and I have foster sugar gliders for another week. That is all.

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is geekdiva@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat!

1. This. is the funniest. thing. I have seen. in. EVER.

Crazy Turk Flying Off the Couch -- Gotta See It!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EED…

2. This made me so happy and teary-eyed:

Malawian boy uses wind to power hope, electrify village

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/afri…

"I wanted to do something to help and change things," he said. "Then I said to myself, 'If they can make electricity out of wind, I can try, too.'"

Kamkwamba was kicked out of school when he couldn't pay $80 in school fees, and he spent his days at the library, where a book with photographs of windmills caught his eye.

I am recovering from... the side-effects of increased pain (by reducing my pain medication down to 25% of my original dose waaaay too quickly--since mid-July) and other manifestations of my usual stubbornness.

My thinking has become slower, more autopilot-y and less effective on average, although today I've been very present in my thinking and conversations after a week-plus of intensive resting, to the point I couldn't hear the phone ring by my head or my mom's or my gramma Mimi's voice on the answering machine.

I need to find a moderator for the Thyroid community. I created a bunch of communities way back when, and I need to divest myself of them. I started doing this a while ago, but I got too sick to go online partway through.

I'm going to stay at 25% of my pain med dose with occasional increases to 30% or so. I need to go to a Lyme specialist and start my treatment, which will probably mean I'll need to increase my pain meds again, so I want to start from as low as possible. And I still have a broken molar. The exhaustion, daily fever spikes, nausea and passing out (which feed on each other and of course on pain) have been stronger and the price of the med has increased faster than the level of pain in my tooth. I think that gives you an idea of what I've been dealing with.

I miss everyone. And I have done so, frankly, for years now.

I have started asking for the help I need to get through this... swamp of molasses? increased urgencies with decreased capabilities and eternally unreachable priorities? Dunno. But the beginning of hope is almost within reach. And in a way, that makes everything more difficult and highlights the isolation of most of my hours.

I haven't had the energy to cry or speak up in a while. I at least could do the latter today, if not the former.

OK, it all sucks, but I do try to find reasons to laugh as often as I can. And I do succeed. But everything is still very, very overwhelming, and the tofu elephant I'm trying to eat bite by bite clones itself every day.