It’s all winter here, even in August.

Today, I really feel like talking about this particular thing. It has been on my mind the entire day since I tweeted this earlier in the noon.


[ you ever had someone in your life that you look at them, and you think to yourself "i wanna grow up like them",
and suddenly one day you realize they are no longer the person you looked up to anymore

because you've outgrown them without you noticing ]


I easily look up to people around me, and I would want to be-friend them.
Regardless of the reason that I look up to them.
As I'm an independant person, people who I look up are always independant individuals.
I never ever thought once I would ever outgrown someone I looked up to.
Maybe because I always thought they are so far away from who I was / am.
It seemed like I would never be able to reach them.
No matter how much I worked hard, I would always be behind them.
However, recently I felt like I have outgrown someone I used to look up to.
I came to realization recently, and I kind of felt pretty upset.

I guess me and them, probably, conversation now feels forced between us.
Last time it used to be easygoing and fluent, now it feels so darn awkward and odd.
Is it because we no longer share the same hobby? But life isn't all just about hobbies.

And then they make excuses when I try to make plans with them. Lol. Obviously.
I remembering actually trying to make plans, but it's obvious they aren't interested at all. LOL.
Also me having FOMO (fear of missing out), much insecurities.
I could deal better with straight rejection than missing out.
Just have the damn balls and tell me "no, you're not invited" is better than their fake "ok maybe someday".

I was too naive to think friends that I made from the previous hobby could be kept in my current life.
If I say it's because they don't try to understand me, that would be unfair, because they don't need to.
But I trusted, and thought it would be fine, because as long as I try, try harder to be a good friend, it might work out.
Day and night I just have non-stop anxiety thinking did they react like that because someone said something about me?
Lol. I should really have deleted everyone from my past hobby and move on.
To be honest I can't trust no one from the past community.
I will always feel because of what happened made everyone think I am the one who has a problem.

Hahaha. Look. I have a problem, that is I didn't disappear. I should have done that.
And so I will just let go.

No point, if they are already judgemental to some of the people who are currently important to me in my life.
They will be judging me too at the end of the day.
Yes, I have a problem.

It's been a year soon, huh? Time really flies. I really left you along with the memories we shared, the fun we had, the youth we wasted, the feelings the appreciations the blames. I'm leaving all these in my 20s and I will move to my 30s, without you. Sure, I didn't imagine things would end up like this. For the times we shared, it was fun.

I've come to finally realized, I'm really done and over with you.
Sometimes things don't work out, and it is totally fine.
I guess we changed, I guess that's how everything is.

To the people that I once considered to be close friends, I've been thinking about you a lot recently.
I'm not entirely sure why you have crossed my mind, but I can't help reflecting on how this all happened.
How when we see each other on the street, we pretend the other isn't there and just continue on our way.
How we haven't said a word to each other in months.
How we have gone from being the best of friends to basically strangers.

And, somehow, I'm okay with that.
When we first met, I knew our budding friendship was going to have a lasting impact on me.
We were all starting new chapters in our lives, it was nice having people there to lean on for support while trying to absorb all the new things that were being thrown our way.
All of us were so different, but somehow we balanced each other out so perfectly. You guys were the types of people I had always wanted to be.
I thought that with you by my side, this was my time to really get out there and put myself on the map.
Because of how great everything was in the beginning, I actually thought our friendship was going to be one for the ages.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.
As time wore on, things shifted between us. No longer did I feel entirely comfortable talking to you or feel as though you valued our friendship the same way I did.
I began to feel like a burden to you, just someone you had to deal with rather than someone you actually wanted to be around.
I didn't feel like a part of the group anymore, just the sad third wheel tagging along because people felt bad leaving me behind.
I could sense that all of you were growing closer to each other and growing farther apart from me.
Plans were made without me, stories were told without my knowledge, and you were constantly attached at the hip.
It seemed as though you only talked to me when there was no one better around, then when someone suddenly became available, you left me just as soon as you had arrived.
Nothing's wrong, it's all in your head stop being so petty was my mantra, something I said to myself over and over trying to convince myself that my friends were still my friends.
I think as time went on, we had just become different people, we didn't match up the way we had before.

With all that being said, I wanted to say thank you.
After our falling out, I realized just how much our friendship had stunted my growth as an individual.
Throughout the entire time I had known you, I found myself constantly comparing every aspect of me to you.
Every achievement I had was somehow topped and belittled by yours. From where I stood, it seemed like you had everything I had ever wanted.
I always felt as though I was just one step behind you, trying my hardest to catch up. Honestly, I don't blame you guys for this.
You could never help being the social butterfly type of people that you were. It just wasn't who I was and I couldn't accept the fact that I would never be that person.
It took us parting for me to finally come to that conclusion.
Now, I'm finally happy. I had never realized just how miserable I had been.
I'm overjoyed with the person I've become; I've never been stronger or as comfortable in my own skin as I am right now.
I can finally revel in my own achievements and be proud of what I've done, without the constant competition weighing on my mind.
I have surrounded myself with people who actually care about me and want the best for me, and I couldn't be more thankful for them.
I have stopped focusing on others and their actions, and focus more on bettering me for my own benefit.
It's safe to say that if our friendship hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I am a completely different person now and partly, that's because of you.
Do I wish our friendship hadn't fallen apart the way that it did?
Sure, sometimes I do, but I understand that we just don't work as friends and that's okay.
People drift apart and life goes on.

I hope you all are as happy with the way life is going as I am.