She listens like spring...

Today, I've been in a very weird space. Emotionally. But not in a bad way but I'm enjoying it. Probably the music being played at work. A lot of 90s. All that remind me of Oakdale. Currently, Oasis is playing. I was just reading Callie's Blog. Reading about Angel, which makes me think of my reading that she came through. I was asking for someone different and she came through to tell me she loved me and she was sorry. I thought about sharing that with someone else but I just didn't. Ive had some dreams of her. She smiles at me, hugs me so hard. Sometimes, I feel guilty about that. I didn't spend a lot of time with her, so I feel as if those that were close to her, would deserve that more. I'm sorry you got caught between the landslide, Angel. You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry we lost you.

Dream a dream, she never dies...


OCTOBERRISING15
-------i had a premonition a few weeks ago. i with an unnamed driver, on springport rd, going to re-up. now, marijuana may affect judgement, but not to the extent that this driver could even believe he was going the speed limit around these fucking curves. the speed limit, was 35. how fast were we going? 60. &springport rd is no road to fuck around on. but anyways, i had this premonition, of a car accident. and i know, that thats how im gonna die. theres no way around it, im so sure of it, i can feel it in my bones. &that is why, my decisions these days are the way they are.

because i have no idea what tomorrow holds for me
because i want to live
because i want to enjoy myself, without fear mf missing out on my teenage years, when i really have no idea how soon or abruptly they could end.

who has time for immatyre little catfights? or arguing over a boy? or complaining? or wishing. or waiting, expecting.

i have no time.

im going to live. love. regret. expect. wait. the usual things. but im going to do them the right way, so i dont REGRET the way i LIVED.

wish me luck.-----------

Im 30. This blog holds so much of my life along with so many missing pieces. Im so different and yet so the same... It's crazy how my life has changed. How everyone's. I miss Sam a lot. I miss the people who bring out the me in me. Or maybe Im still growing and this pains are hard to deal with.

I went through some old livejournals and remembered how I felt then and what I was doing. Happy belated birthday, angel. Your journal gives me chills. every.time.

James has been amazing. We've had our ups and downs, relearning each other. But Im head over heels. I always wondered if it could ever been this good. But time does heal. If i hadnt had time to remove myself and him remove his self, we wouldnt be so good. He also made me a song that i listen to on the daily.

follow the yellow brick road.

when my world is falling apart, when there's no light to break up the dark, that's when i look at you.
when the waves are flooding the shore, and i can't find my way home anymore, that's when i look you.


like the stars hold the moon.

I haven't felt like me in a while. It's that constant coming of age where you start to find yourself and lose it all over again. I'm hitting a decade mile where the people I use to call a family are just memories. Some I still keep in touch with while others I keep a distance. And the new people make me feel alone in a crowded room.

I know I'm a lot of things, but I know that I love whole heartedly. I can love harshly, too. I miss my foundation that I built memories with that I'll love a lifetime for. I had to end it with someone that I called a best friend for a long time. I'm really needing to see the positive people in my life and I need to cut ties with the people who no longer help me grow. I don't ask for anyone to be perfect. I understand that mistakes can be and will be made. I just ask for honesty and sincerity.

This change hurts and it's a bittersweet move. It hurts to let go of someone you felt you had such a connection with, who holds a lot of those loving adolescent memories with.But sometimes the hardest things to do is to let go of those who we love most. I know its a healthy and positive move, but it's so saddening at the same time.

I haven't felt like me lately. Because I'm being pushed and pulled to be something I'm not. and one thing that I was told by Erin, is that the best thing about me is the beat of my own drum. I've learned to love myself and I'm not going to let anyone else take that from me. I worked too hard to get here, I just miss the people who know me the most.

that when you point a finger, there's three more pointing back at you.

i'm really sick of people down playing my knowledge. i'm reaaalllyyy sick of being told how i should act because someone else can't cope with it. i think that if you have the time to delegate someone else's flaws, you should maybe step back and think about how you really come off to someone else.

it's not hard to be a good person. it's not hard to be a good friend. i'm a very good friend, i am a very loyal friend. i can't seem to get back what i give. just barely a hair, along with TONS of excuses as to why they can act like they do, or excuses as to why blah blahblah blah blah blah blah, that's all i hear honestly. i don't hear sincerity. just all sounds like reasons to be an asshole.

done giving a fuck. don't like me? don't talk to me/ don't like how i act? too bad. done bending over backwards for people who DONT appreciate what i do but want to continue to chastise me for things that upset them. LOLOLOL.

if you are my friend. ACT LIKE ONE. words are cheap.

sometimes i don't think people really listen to what i'm saying.

mostly when i mean well. i'm in one of those down parts in life. and quite frankly, i'm pretty irritated right now.

so i'll just move quietly until i can figure out the rest of my path.


and no one's feelings should ever feel hurt. manipulating anyone to get what you want is never okay, or even making them feel that way.

Cherish what you have. You never know when it will be gone.
Rest in Peace to my fallen friends. I will love you forever.

I am thankful that my mom will be okay. I feel so fucking lucky today. <3

everyone gets dealt shitty cards from time to time. it's all about how you play them and apply them. never think your thunderstorm is worse than someone else's. everyone takes in and perceives everything differently. the true wisdom comes from your walk in life. wisdom can't be taught even if it is learned. you grow wise with experience and experience comes from the hand you play. be patient. it will all work out.

The ball in rolling. The bat is in full swing.