what if all you knew..all you wanted..all you ever dreamed of was starting to manifest it self? starting to shape in to things little by little.
But what IF you also knew you are a swan in a very big pond that ends up being a very small pond as you drive yourself away and swim alone?
What than? What if the very thing you long for is the very thing your scared of. But was the one thing you wanted for a very long time, something that you not only worked hard for, but went through a ray of emotional rollercoasters to get there. What about that feeling than?
Why is it even talking about what you so long for, what you want, after a few mintues the door locks, decides to not want to open up, or waits for the next time it feels right to open, if open only a little, but only to repeat the cycle time and time again, what than?
Space is what i need, Space is what i am getting, and its great, its about time i feel im able to accept space for myself, but is it really that great? is it really? only time will tell.
I talk in riddles, i talk in rhymes even i dont sometimes have the time, to explain fully, that which i would rather hide. But when I do speak when I it does make it out of the box my emotions live in, I speak of uh oh ive said to much. This isnt me, whats going on, I get moody,and jump into a cold ocean so i go numb, numb because I dont want to deal with this, no I cant, its to much for me to handle, And wait why is it being reflected and why does it need to surfce now, Maybe I dont want to do this, Maybe I should. Maybe its time, But maybe im just dragging time, Procrastornating the enubled that IS going to hide, Wait, what if I hide, run away from it all?
But where has running ever got me but back to myself, For I cant run from my emotions, I can hide them yes, I can even sweep them under my spiritural carpet, But they will always find a way, find a way throu another person, The pain, the angrier oh it will find a way and come right out of my spiritual carpet, Living in denial gets you no where. The more you fight it, The more it will happen, the more it happends the heavy it becomes, the heavier it becomes the more fighting isnt an option anymore but more so turns to stubborness. Now what you see , you dont want to hear, You dont want to believe, And you become suspious, You question everyone who you feel is getting close to you there motives, Why now? What for? And are they EVEN being real, You assume, You make judgement calls, when there is nothing founded on such calls. But you are set, Now what you find is your no longer fighting yourself no longer, but fighting someone else, Whom tries to show you that your judgement calls are unfounded, But you dont listen, you dont care. you know whats going on, What always has, And refuse to believe the record will change, For it has never really changed. So you become busy, For being busy keeps you away from your thoughts, keeps you away from you emotions, and keeps you away from the one thing you want, but fear the most.
Maybe because its easier, Maybe you cant help it, But having people come close is not an easy task, You afraid, Your angry, For it wasnt so long ago these people could care less. Why do they now? And why should i care? and how do i know they wont go, and who do i know they wont mess with my emotions and leave my spiritual world for dead, What than? Who will pick up the pieces if i fall apart? for no one has ever picked up my broken heart, Or attempted to help me put it back together, Maybe I dont want someone to, But maybe I do. Maybe I just dont understand this plan.
Maybe it will all take time, more time, But im afraid ive had enough time. Here I am being thrown into a pack of lions and expected to trust, to have faith that these lions are somehow different, that there not out to tear my very soul apart. That they actually are very tame, nice even. And just want company. Right, Thats to much to ask, Not now it cant be, But if not now when you say? I dont know when, asking me the when of things i do not know.
Ask me next week and maybe ill know than. For asking me now, redeems no answer from me. Just be patient with me, Is that to much to ask?
Ive been through alot, I just want a friend, But a trust worthy , non judgemental, cant keep there mouth shut friend. I dont need more negtiviy from my past than i already know.
Dont tell me i was silly, i already know, Just be an ear, someone i can trust, and maybe someone i can someday love. But lift me up, but please dont tear me down, My past hurts, Im trying to forgive, dont add my pain than there already clearly is. Be their and dont rush me, And dont rush off on me when its clear im broken, Do you care or do you not? Can you be there fully or only half? Can you give me 100 percent, or 60?
100 percent is what Im afraid, Do you just care about your feelings or can you really see mine?
Can you mirror me?, Do you even understand me?
Do you even want to? But do I want to see what is in you reflected back at me? Could I handle that? I dont know. Try and lets see is the only answer i can give. Show me yours scars and maybe I'll show mine, Dont pressure, just listen. listen to my pain, feel my pain, experence it with me, for to truely understand me you must walk this with me.
loved