I had the weirdest dream last night. Like...alternate reality weird.
It was back ages ago when you young lot were still in school. Harry wasn't a complete prat, Voldy-McMoldy Pants was still around, George was still missing an ear, I was still the best looking bloke around, yada yada yada.
ANYways...I mean, I never remember much of the final Battle 'cause that giant wall collapsed in on me when Perce and Ron & I were fighting all those Death Eaters in the castle and I think I must've been knocked out, but...I got this odd feeling from the dream that my dream self wasn't gonna end up the same way.
Right creepy dream it was, too. It was like I was watching from some castle Ghost's view, but I know that can't be right, they were all out fighting. And, I had this ridiculous hankering for a chicken bone the entire time. (Dog, maybe? Dunno. It was weird.) But I saw Ron & Perce and I running through towards that same section of the castle and we got in this right ugly fight with the Death Eaters again, and Perce had that one-in-a-million one-liner when he hexed that Pius Thicknesse bloke, and then...everything went black.
Creepy, right? 'S like...no, can't be. Oy. I need a root beer and a cheery movie marathon after that. Gave me a nasty scare. Think I'll be buying some Dreamless Sleep Potion, eh?
Guess who showed up in my office today, asking for a tryout for our empty Keeper slot?
CORMACK MC-FUCKING-LAGGEN.
Needless to say, I hexed his ass out of the building.
Honestly, though, what would possess you to go ask for a job from the dude you Bludger-ed in the face however many years ago? I almost died, dammit, and he comes sauntering in like we're best buds and he didn't try to kill me.
I think I'm going to hit Bill if he doesn't hurry up and completely fix things with Maggie. Teddy's taken to hanging around our place, for Merlin knows what reason, and he's getting a little weird. (Okay, a lot weird. I'm trying to cut the kid some slack, he's a Metamorphagus, honestly)
Who voluntarily runs around the house with Benji metamorphagused into Melvin the Mad Muggle? Not me, that's for damn sure.
Besides, he's bringing out the evil prankster side that Tali apparently repressed until now. If I find another damn Niffler in my office, I'm going to hex someonething into next year.
Bill, go fix your shit, man. Your son is freaking me out.
And Quinn, I swear to everything holy, if you don't stop jinxing that pen on my desk to sing your new advertising jingle, I'm going to get you fired. Your rhyming leaves quite a few things to be desired.
I, um, think I'm going insane. Leila, Alicia, before you guys come back with some smartass comment, hear me out.
See, I went to Kenmare to negotiate some deal for some stupid kid who thinks he's a Quidditch hotshot or some bull like that, and I saw Fi this person at a burger joint I went to for lunch. And I'm pretty damn sure I attended her their funeral a year and a half ago.
I mean, seeing people who are supposedly blown to bits dead isn't normal, right?
I know, I know, you're all thinking, "Fred's just seen Fi's a ghost, not an actual person." But you're wrong. She They were definitely living, and breathing, and...doing alive things. Like eating giant bacon cheeseburgers with a cream soda. Didn't Fi really, really like cream soda?
I thought the whole seeing weird shit was supposed to not happen if you don't drink. That's what AA is intended for, right? To stop drunks from seeing weird shit and freaking out?
Stupid family drama, stressing me out. You people and your drama are making me see dead people.
Merlin. I didn't even think they were looking for one, and then Carlisle just walked into the locker room with the team owners after training today and gave me a job offer.
Ten thousand Galleons a month increase in pay, slightly reduced hours, and they're giving me an allowance to find a new home if I decide to take the job. Carlisle said he wasn't getting any younger, and Mr. Gobson said he wanted to promote from within the team.
I mean...I guess I should have seen it coming, I'm the eldest on the team by four and a half years, and I've been with Portree since way before Benji was born, but damn.
Okay, so, since everyone seems to think I'm a terrible parent and Leila up and took a bloody vacation, I'll just post here to keep track of what I do so everyone knows I'm not killing my kids of starvation.
I made quesadillas for dinner, by the way, in case anyone other than Ben and Tal care, and we all sat and ate on the couch like civilized fucking human beings, so I think I'm doing alright for now.
Verdammte arschloch, die menge von ihnen.
We're going to the park now, in case anyone gives a damn, and I'll make sure not to let them fall and break anything, okay?
Me 'an Benji got lost in Honeydukes an' now I'm all hyper 'cause we ate like THREEEEEEEE TONS OF CANDY. YUM.
I don't remember what we were supposed to be getting in Hogsmeade, but I got distracted 'cause they had new Humongous Sugar Quills in the display window, and honestly, who doesn't like sugar quills? CoughPercyCough.
And then we found out that Bertie Botts has this new thing where they separate all the flavors out, so we had to try that. Benji gave a bogey flavored one to this mean kid who pushed us 'cause he's fat and mean.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, so now we've both been couched 'cause I can't stop twitching, an' Benji won't sit still. But I have a magical bag of goodness that may or may not include Licorice Straws, which are BEAST.
Ohhhhkay, if Tal suggests that we send Ben away to camp one more time, I'm going to snap.
She's been making this huge campaign to get Ben out of the house for the summer for some inexplicable reason. I don't want Benji to leave. He helps balance out the house! If he's not there, I'm the only guy, and I get outvoted. Not cool, Tal, not cool at all.
I really don't get it. They always got along well, and now this year it's like they both can't stand the sight of one another.
Were we this bad back when we were kids?
Ugh. Ten-year olds cause way to much drama, honestly.
ugh
WHEEEE!