Magic is always impossible.

I never update anymore. And I keep forgetting to reply to comments. I am the worst.


1. I saw HANSEL AND GRETEL: WITCH HUNTERS in theaters yesterday. In 3D, because the closest non-3D showing was two hours later and I do not have that kind of patience. It cost $18.50 (because lol new york) and the only thing I regret is that I went in sober. If you are into gratuitous nudity, excessive violence, pointless blood, or ridiculous hetcest, THIS IS THE FILM FOR YOU. I mean that as a compliment.

The movie takes place in Ye Olden Times except for the part where Hansel and Gretel have non-historically-accurate machine guns. The child actors are awful. Jeremy Renner is Jeremy Renner. Despite the ridiculous makeup jobs they did to her (YOU WERE JUST COVERED IN DIRT WHY DO YOU NOW JUST HAVE AN ARTFUL SMUDGE ON ONE CHEEK) Gemma Arterton was both awesome and believable. (Or, well, believable for the film. It's kind of a sliding scale.)

IDK. I would have a spoilery reaction except there are really no spoilers because NOTHING HAPPENS. There's pretty much no character development whatsoever, unless you include increased body count as personal growth. Everything plot-wise is telegraphed from the very beginning in the way only movies that don't care about anything but blowing shit up tend to do. There's a lot of cursing and I actually spent some time trying to decide if it counts as passing the Bechdel test if two women are talking about something that isn't a love interest, but the subject in question is how they're going to kill each other.

It cracks me up that most of the AO3 fic was written before the movie even came out, which I assume means that they were writing Clint Barton Is Hansel fic, which means that he's probably significantly more characterized than the movie version was, as Hawkel (Hanseye?) was basically the drunk, stupid, awkward-around-ladies sibling of kick-ass Gretel. (He was totally the stereotypical chick in the action movie; he did some fighting just so they could say he did fighting, but mostly his love interest and sibling handled shit, thanks.) Also I assume the stories are more restrained than the film was, which is to say restrained AT ALL.

As I said on twitter, it does the rare loop of going past good, past 'so bad it's good,' past 'so bad it's bad again,' and all the way over to 'so goddamn terrible I loved it.' It was basically the perfect movie for me, because I have something between low and no standards. Also, because my standards are in fact this low, it was really nice to see a movie where there was no threat of sexual assault on the main female characters; all of them could protect themselves, but beyond that, there wasn't even the threat of it. People just old-fashioned blew each other up in increasingly gory ways. I appreciated that.

I will say the opening credits with the newspaper-clip-looking animation was super cool. Given I am me, this is not a shock. Also, am I crazy, or was the title in the Buffy font?

2. I am alarmingly unprepared for children's lit awards to be announced on Monday. I normally spend the end of December/first half of January hysterically trying to read ALL THE CONTENDERS so I can say I read them before they were cool. Apparently my concession to that this year is that I got ALL THE BOOKS from the library (I have 21 items, not counting the movie I rented), but I've read two Morris finalists, Code Name Verity, and I'm 1/4 of the way through Ask the Passengers. If I don't already own them, I'll go buy the Newbery and Printz winners at lunch on Monday after buying my SDCC badge, but... yeah. Current plan is to pretend I'm being less obsessive rather than more lazy.

3. I have mentioned this on twitter, but I'm starting to get irrationally irritated by the phrase "muppetflail." WHAT DOES IT MEAN? I know what a Kermitflail is. I know what a Groverflail is. I don't know what other distinctive flails there are in Muppetdom, but by identifying the move as Muppet-centered rather than Kermit, it either shows lack of understanding of canon, or like an implication that they're all the same. Like they're somehow less distinct entities than humans are. IF YOU PRICK THEM, DO THEY NOT BLEED?

4. I ordered a new laptop today because I keep getting burned on this one at the places where the casing broke. This is the first computer I've purchased before my laptop straight-up wouldn't turn on, and also my first without any parental help at all (economically OR with choosing features) and it is TERRIFYING. I had a few hysterical phone calls with my dad just before I clicked 'purchase' when I said things like "I just don't want to be a terrible person who doesn't understand the value of money just because I get injured occasionally!" and "At least 60% of the keyboard usually works!" He talked me off the purchasing ledge. So, NEW COMPUTER ARRIVING IN A FEW WEEKS, NOT GONNA GET BURNED ANYMORE. Pretty excited. Also terrified. Gah, adulthood.

5. I don't do filk, BUT IF I DID, I would admit to having finished two verses of "Marley and Marley" from Muppet Christmas Carol done as "Hawkeye and Hawkeye." Their hearts were painted plum!