I SEE IT ALL TOO WELL.

My life has been anything but boring the past month. Two months ago, my brother and a couple of girls from the neighborhood hooked me and a cute little blonde bartender up. I was happy at the time even though i was worried that she really wasnt my type. Well we prolly moved a little too fast and she definitely drank way too much. We broke up a week and a half ago. Sunday i was introduced to a friend's sister. I stayed at her house last night. But this one doesnt worry me. Why? Well for starters, the blonde was 24 and the brunette is 31, same age as me. We have way more in common than that but im not gonna list shit. The point is we're on the same page and neither of us want to fuck this up. Well i never intended on having another girlfriend this quickly. Im not trying to be shallow or hurt anyone, but im not gonna let anything stand in the way of me being happy. What sucks is that the blonde is a bartender at the bar down the street from my house and she lives two houses down from me. I dont want to hurt her feelings so i cant bring the new girl anywhere near my neighborhood. Fine, not really a big deal b/c new girl has her own house on the other side of the river and manages a bar down the street from her place. Plus half of the bar near me hates me because they love their alcohol dealer more than me. And it doesnt help that the blonde talks shit about me to patrons. So where i used to feel at home is now a big clusterfuck. I wonder what tomorrow holds…

http://www.npr.org/blogs/picturesh…

http://www.daath.hu/psychonauts/

found a bunch of multitrack files online that i'm remixing.

one is a dub colossus track.
killer.

it's too cold in New England. I don't like it.

going to try to find a job in the next couple of weeks. money is nice to have.

i need a hand.

have a story to relate. no time.

i'll be balk.

got a bunch of free computer shit the other day from a recycling center. about to sell it all on ebay.need to go through my gear and organize/ clean up stuff.wish i could set my drum kit back up.quit smoking again, coughing up tar. whoopee.still a broke student.don't like new england winters. way too cold. wish my leather jacket hadn't been stolen, but not so bummed because it was a gift from an ex girlfriend and she didn't listen when i told her what cut i wanted so she got the wrong one cuz she liked it better and i had to wear it anyways. it had tassles on it too, and i don't really do tassles. haven't been drinking or smoking weed or doing any kind of drugs lately which i suppose is good because i don't have the money but i need the distraction. the female i entangle myself with doesn't care about me. sometimes i feel like all these possessions are weighing me down and if i don't cut them loose i'm going to drown.like i ran from the sham in baton rouge so i could start a new one in atlanta and then ran from that one to boston. it's catching up faster. the first one took 19 years to collapse, the second ten, this one less than two.i'm going to end up hanging myself in a closet in a ramshackle building on the side of a mountain and no one will find me for years. well, that or i'll go insane and start levelling the city with a shotgun until the police arrive to tell me excuse me sir but sorry you're not allowed to shoot people so we're gonna have to kill you now. all that sounds cliche and stupid and i can't stop thinking about how retarded i'm being about everything and i think i'm wasting time and money and energy helping the people i help and living the life i live, and i would be happier getting a kitchen job and going back to being a boozer. the only problem there is eventually your only friends are boozers and who wants to be old and lonely at the bar? i see my future in front of me crumbling and say this isn't how it was supposed to be, i was supposed to find a woman to love me and take care of me so i could rule the world and then come home and eat chicken pot pie while we talked about how lovely the fire looks shining off the wine glasses. then we make love on the bearskin rug and fall alseep in each others arms and wake the next morning to do it again.


i really need to throw everything away. let the water come and take what is mine i will leave it behind and crawl to a new place now.

staring down that hole again.


hands are on my back again.


survival is my only friend.


terrified of what may come.

i like
like
like
like apples and bananas.

i got hit by a car yesterday.