I spit in your Moons Over My Hammy

So, whats on my mind right now at this time of morning?
I'm...satisfied with who I am, where I'm at, and what I've done to date. I've successfully moved out of my parents house and into a town house with our former webmaster/phone screener Mark and maintaining a good relationship with him and my other roommate and friend Josh. As I've said before, I'm satisfied ... so satisfied, that life has become extremely boring and uneventful. Thanksgiving day was spent on this computer at my new place. I've been, literally, overeating out of boredom and smoking more cigarettes just to pass the time away (granted they are "ultra-lights"). Work is alright - I sometimes wish I could work everyday, all day just to have something to do and relieve the boredom.

The one thing that has been bothering me has been my past journal entries and how neurotic I am and how I wrote then (and even sometimes now). I cannot believe I let so many things get to me to the point where I almost forgot who I was. I really dont think about past girlfriends anymore like I used to. I'm at this point where I cannot even imagine what they look like anymore because I've forgotten their faces, not on purpose though. I put so much emphasis in my livejournal entries on girls, being hurt, feeling lost and alone that more than HALF of my entries are surrounded by feelings of rejection ... ALL based around particular girl that year. Whats worse, is that I've let myself feel like I am not attractive enough, or good enough, or somehow "bad" as a guy, and cannot land a girl because of physical and mental deficiencies.

Crap...all a load of crap.

I'm slowwwwly letting that mind-set go, even though my mind still ticks that way. Its weird to think that I've somehow "brainwashed" myself into thinking that I'm not good at all as a person. I know I'm good, I know I'm smart, I know I look good - so how come I can't just shake off all this negative self-conscious ways of mine? Well...I guess time heals all, right?


My educational pursuit is at a halt right now. School doesnt start for me until January and I havent really picked up a book in a long time. I'm struggling just to form complete sentences right now, and re-reading them to make sure they make sense. It feels...different. My strongest subjects have always been English/Grammar and History - now both on the back-burner.

I guess I can attribute this "lack" or "apathy" on not getting sex in a while. Its...heh...kind of taking its toll, slowly, on me. I cannot concentrate enough anymore long enough without thinking of girls - and sometimes, my "area down there" and imagination shuts down and I just become even more mopey than I sometimes am. I dont want to put toooooo much emphasis on women, but, WOW. I could use some lovin'.


Other than that, I'm still a hardcore vegetarian, I'm still a radical thinker ... and still slightly tubby (thanks morningstar burgers and your yummy goodness).


In the end though, I refuse to continually be a "gloomy" or sad person. It just doesnt work to my advantage ... at all. Although, I also refuse to put on fake smiles for people - I think I just need to find a healthy "in between" balance and fine solace in that.

So today my school starts. Of course I'm nervous ... but I'm hoping I do well in that class. I'm excited, really excited since I havent been in school in about a year and so now it feels refreshing. Work kicked my ass 2 nights ago. Our kitchen was going slow on orders so I had, intevitably, 3 walkouts. I cannot blame THEM though ... I blame upper-management for their lack of planning. I did walk out with $75 though, so it wasnt a COMPLETE loss. I just need to pick up more shifts so I can actually have money in my pockets more often than none. This girl at work, Jen, sort of has a crush on me and is always touching me ... I guess I'll go over to her place sometime. But, as the guys and I put it so meticulously, she's "BLAAAAH!" Anyway, the website for our radio show is down temporarily and all we have to do is call the billing department of "Host-sexcellence.com" (HAH!) and fix that. We have a lot of people interested in coming on our show soon, so I cannot wait until this thursday so we can start anew. The last show we had was ...sort of...a loud obnoxious debauchery (I hope I spelled that right). Other than that, I have shoulder length strait/curly hair now that is never oily since I actually use shampoo that actually work, and sadly, I've gained around 5-7lbs back, BUT since its warmer now I can actually run outside again so hopefully I will be able to shed ANOTHER 25-30lbs by, say, August. Random thought; The band Primus REALLY REALLY sucks cock. They are the quintessential mid-nineties-redneck-and-proud-industrial-rock-band. Thank god for One Third Dork and Kick in the Pants. Fine fine local pop-grunge and punk-ska-alternative rock bands. Found my camera. Have to charge the bitch, pop the old cassette out so I dont try to watch old footage of an ex, who, by the way, is engaged to a marine (HAH!). Good for her. Good for them. Nonetheless, this means that I can now record random footage of the guys and I to put up on the website later on this year. Sexcellent. Well, I've said a page-full. Goodnight, and goodfight.

P.S. No matter what year it is, post-industrial/nu-metal-rock-bands will never be cool.

I hope I remember this moment forever ... this moment of a completely unfiltered mind, clear thoughts and a free spirit. One Third Dork is playing in the background,the computer screen is the only object illuminating the room, I'm shirtless, my gut is full of Luciano pizza, and I'm about to light a ciggarette here in a few moments. Life feels good.
Today I plan to see my good friends Kick in the Pants play two seperate venues tonight ... and I appreciate the fact that I have friends who are in a band, recognize the triumphs of Maulmir's radio show, and actually WANT to be our friends....MY friends.
My life is simple; what I lack in one "social-activity" I have made up for in another activity. I am not alone, don't feel lonely, nor do I desire to feel loved by anyone.
Everything is clear, and yet my vision is still cloudy ... does anyone understand what I mean? I feel like I KNOW what I want, and what I want is to go to school, get my certificate in Pharmaceutical-Technology, have my friends surround me, find my happiness on my own terms ...and YET I do miss being with a female companion. That contradicts what I said earlier, right? Oh well...we are all walking contradictions anyway.
I'm 22 years old, and as much as I feel happy, I equally feel like a loser. I havent done much, really. I havent gone to school full time in a year, and I havent done much good in the grades departement either. I guess it's time to grow up, and ..."wear the big boy pants." Sean TM said it best not too long ago, "We can't be fuckin Punks forever..."
This journal will no longer be used, for me anyway, to reflect on past events. Rather, I will recap the past if need be to help myself grow and mature into something else....a side of me that is still stuck under many layers of skin.
I feel a change in me, hopefully a pleasant one, and welcome it. I welcome good news ...if there is any news...at all. Heh.


ON THE BAH (Romine) Every moment we’re together I thought I’d want to relive But now I think I am going to try to forgive I don’t want to be the good one to tell you you’re at home I don’t want to be the only thing that makes you alone Passing glances battle me against the wall I can’t hold back love To watch you go I come early every single fucking night I come home too late To watch you go Perfect, so lovely, you’re just so wonderful Perfectly misguided, I love you so You’re perfect, so gorgeous; you’re just so wonderful I hate this, I hate that I love you Everyday that I spend with you is one I try to forget I don’t want to have to think of things I would regret I am going on a mission sending you away I am blessing the division by pushing you away Passing glances battle me against the wall I can’t hold back love, to watch you go I come early every single fucking night I come home too late, to watch you go Perfect, you’re gorgeous; you’re just so wonderful Perfectly misguided, I love you so So perfect, you’re lovely; you’re just incredible I hate this, I hate that I love you So what am I supposed to do? I’m losing everything I have Losing my mind Want to be something I’ve never felt inside Loosing my self I can’t fall back inside... Passing glances battle me against the wall I can’t hold back love to watch you go I come early every single fucking night I come home too late, to watch you go Perfect, so gorgeous, you’re just so wonderful Perfectly misguided, I love you so You’re perfect, so lovely; you’re just incredible I hate this, I hate that I love you I love you, I love you.. I FUCKING HATE YOU!

I WILL show everyone up and make them eat all their fucking words about me...

Classis phrase, "I havent updated my journal much...".
I havent.

Well, let me just get to the point. I drink, smoke, and yet I work out somewhat, and am driven to prove to people and myself that I am different and work on a different level than most guys or how I operated 1 year ago. I'm empathetic and understanding and simplistic; I understand how life works.

And thats it really...I dont want to fool myself anymore.

I desire girls...and to desire is normal, but to attract them is another realm. To attract them I must, A. Be myself. B. Be clean shaven and have my hair trimmed. C. Workout. D. Try my best to succeed and be outright in my thoughts.

Genuinly, Im happy. But moreover, I have come to many realizations.

Radio show is on a break. Lost the office, but gained new fame. Glad.

Hope the new year treats me well...actually...hope I treat myself better that I have for the last few years. I think for the first time in my life, I feel like I deserve things to be better than what they are, or what has been given to me. I want more for myself, and demand for myself to give more.

The one thing Im thankful for is the fact that I have respect. Respect for people, property, animals, earth, and God. I'm slowly learning to respect myself and hope to achieve more in life.

Your Linguistic Profile:

75% General American English

15% Yankee

10% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

xmas day for the heathens, i came home for a pack of smokes from my bro in law, and now he wants to go to work with me after about 12 hours of slumber he recieved...
work was miserable. i was organizing stuff...then saw a picture of a small white muslim child, and instant tears came on...i went to a corner of the mosque and sobbed for a few minutes. then i just sat there staring at nothing for a few mintutes more.

I have to go to work in about 20 minutes. Im watching the nirvana DVD and watching the unaired uncut version of the video for smells liketeen spirit where kurt, dave, and krist go nuts breaking their equipment, and all the kids and strippers come out and start moshing and carrying kurt like hes Christ or something. SIGH.

Its the 22nd, and the hardest day out of the month thus far. And I just woke up ...
This is the first 22nd ever that Coury or I did not acknowledge the signifigance of this day. I ... I honestly wish I could be with her today, but ... I know its not going to happen, and I know that it will just be ... I dont know, wrong? Hurtful? Still...I would give anything....

Like I told Mike last night before he left, "I have no answers. Which means I have no questions. Therefore, I have nothing to be scared of because I have no clue as to whats going on." And What I meant was, was that I have no clue as to what is going on in her life because we dont talk anymore.....she could pick up a phone and call me, but thats her choice to do that.

New Years is coming up, and I can only think of one person I WANT to be with. Her. Last 2 years were with her. Why not this time? Or if she already has plans, or doesnt want to be with me (most likely both, I dont know though) maybe theres a concert somewhere in town? I dont know...maybe I'll just be alone. Sounds fitting.

Radio show is today, wahoo! Hopefully JP called Drew to fill in. He better have, that asshole.


*SIGH*

Yes, I miss you like hell, satisfied? This isnt a game anymore, you won. Its over. This is love, this is for real. But this love....isnt it over? Or shouldnt it be done with? I dont know, but I know how my heart still feels ... but I ignore it as best as I can, and it temporarily works.

Strongbad4ever

I havent updated in some time and dont plan to that much anymore because this place pains me too much.

Coury ended up leaving Islam to run to her trash friends. She chose her crappy friends over me in the end, even though I broke up with her ... well I had to. She was still lying to me even until the very end, however, I still loved her. She called me as much as I called her - I guess I must have pissed her off one day, and then she started spreading rumors about me to everyone ...

All in all, Coury is a dependant little girl who used me to fight her battles, and now is using her "friends" to fight her new battle - me. I tried rekindling our friendship, and our love, but she "doesnt want to have anything to do with me anymore." She had her friend Zainab call me and threaten me with a restraining order if I "dont stop calling and dont stop following her ..." Dont flatter yourself, Coury - you called me constantly when you "missed me" , and I only went to your car and left 2 notes to say sorry, and that I wanted to start all over ...

Shes going to get another boyfriend soon, I know. She cannot stand being without a man to depend on. Sad thing is, is that that guy will never ever have as much deep rooted feelings and love as I had for her ... one thing that scares me, but seems plausible is that her new guy will end up hitting her and hurting her, or worse. I hope not ...

But, whatever. Shes in my past now, and I want to forget everything about her. I need to move on.

I made lots of mistakes in our relationship - but I suffered for what I did. I never hit, beat, or did anything like that ... I guess my words and talking got to her in the end ... but I mean to fucking want to slap a restraining order on me is just plain immature. Gabby is amazing though - I know she got Coury to use the "restraining order" bit to scare me off.

No need to go that far - I made a hard decesion, and Im saying fuck off. I never want to see her again as long as I live. Just know that I would have provided everything for her for the rest of her life - but the clubs and low-life friends were more appealing to her.

It amazes me how trashy friends seem so attractive.
Coury will get hers in the end, I know it.
I always knew she wouldnt be able to grow.
Sad, but I wanted her to learn from her mistakes and grow as a person - but she wont. Not now, at least.

EVEN THOUGH I SOUND BITTER AND ANGRY AT HER, RIGHTFULLY ... I still hope she finds what she wants in life.


The one thing she cannot take away from me was how much I loved her.

I guess Im writing this for myself, knowing that only two people will be able to read this, including myself. My subject matter is a reflection upon the incidents that happend last night ... the horrible, terrifying, emotional happenings of 8-30-04.
Before I start though, I must say that I write this in the name of Allah. May Allah guide us all to the straight path and give us his mercy and Blessings.
The day started very happy. My dad and I went to the Hyundai dealership and got a spectacular deal on a 2004 Hyundai Sonota GLS V6. Total MSRP - $19,884 before taxes and tags. Our price - $16,800 before taxes and tags! $3K off! Damn, my Father is an excellent bargainer. After taxes and tags, I think its gonna be around $18K, in which I threw down $1000, and my parents $1500. Sooo that would be $25000 - $18000 = $15,500 I will be financing. Or around there. YAY! Not so bad start to the day huh? Its unbeleivable how horrible it turns out though.
I get a ride to work from my dad straight from the dealership. We pray there together. He leaves. Coury calls me and she sounds real sad. Sad about how her some of her friends treat her about her being Muslim, how she misses wearing tight clothes like she used to, how she feels shes too weak to be a Muslim, how she misses some of her friends, and how depressed she feels about her past. (dad, brother, john etc.) So naturally I try to calm her down, but shes not calming down. Long story short, she says on the phone " Im not sure if I want to be a Muslim anymore." And I ask her "Did you just convert to Islam for me?" and she says "No, at first it was for me, but now its for me as well as for you." She comes over to the Mosque and we talk it out ... The WHOLE TIME shes sayings that shes confused and does not know what to do ... on one hand, she misses her friends, she finds it hard to wear the Hijab and the conservative clothing ... but on the other she still wants to be Muslim ...
Im in a bad position here. I tell her "Do not be Muslim for me at all ... If you do not want Islam, then dont be a Muslim. You have to do this for yourself." She kept saying she knows, but that shes confused.
Gabby calls her cell phone, and Coury doesnt pick it up. Then Coury says "Everyime Gabby calls, she wants me to come over, but there are guys there and I cannot be there...why cant Gabby just hang out with just me, her and Beth, and have no guys over?" So when Coury left, I call up Gabby ... We kind of argue ...my premise was that she should make time for Coury and have no guys over since she cant be around guys,and her thing is that I shouldnt judge her since she doesnt drink or have guys over anymore and that Coury should just come over ... and she asks me "If Coury left Islam , would you still love her?" I told her its none of her bussiness but she kept asking me. So after 20 minutes we ended the converstation by me saying I dont want to fight I just need you to understand, and she says she does. So whatever.
In somewhat anger, I call up Coury and ask her what she told Gabby today. She tells finally, that she told Gabby that " Im scared that if I left Islam that Samir would leave me too." ---***SIGH***---
In somewhat anger, I said "Do NOT be a Muslim for me!" and then I started to cry on the phone, whereby she said shes coming over ....
*THIS IS WHERE ALL THE FUN STARTS*
I tell her "No do not come over I dont want to see you at all right now ..." She comes over anyway, and shes saying that "If you leave me Samir, I will go home and kill myself." FUCK. So I call my parents and ask them to come over so me and her can leave ... we cannot be talking like this in the house of God (Allah). My parents were in MD, but the literally rushed over ...an hour and 10 minute drive took 35 minutes for them . I actually called them before Coury came over, and told them that I needed to get out of here and that Coury doenst want to be Muslim anymore ...my Mom says sorry and that she had a strong feeling that this would happen. I start to bawl on the phone to my Mother ... she starts tearing up too. Thats when Coury gets there... she comes to the womens side, and im running around finding numbers for people to call to cover for me, but I couldnt find any. Coury sits down and puts a big piece of staples to her wrist and just stares at me the whole time ...she starts to rub her writs with it, and I see scratches already...
I grabbed it from her, and ask her what the hell shes doing ...she has this cold, hard look on her face. "If I cant be with you, than I dont want to live."
Even longer story short, I call my parents and tell them. They tell me to calm her down. I do for a bit. I ask her why she converted and she tells me the same story. I ask her why shes saying she wants to kill herself. She says "My whole life has sucked, but you are the only one that has made it better." I cannot beleive this ...Coury wants to kill herself. I keep on asking her for like 25-30 minutes..."Were you serious about killing yourself?" "Yes," She answers each time. THIS IS FUCKING INSANE. Finally my parents get there, my dad goes inside after hugging Coury, and my Mom hugs her too ... Im screaming to my Mom "LETS GO NOW!" I speed to my house sort of at 9pm last night. We get there, and Coury is crying and saying "sorry sorry sorry sorry" over and over again, and I take my Mom aside ... she tells me "Samir, Im sorry about this. We arent going to shun her at all. She is still part of the family, always and forever. But she has problems. This is all too much for her. I think you should not be with her..." At which point I start to cry harder than I ever have before in my life. 5 minutes of just bawling as my Mom cries too, then Coury ...so for like an hour Im crying really really really hard. Same with my mom, same with Coury ----------------------

In the end, my Dad came home and he talks to Coury, and Im hugging my Mom as I cry still ... I ask Coury if she still wants to be Muslim, and is it for just me? She says she does ... but that she needs help. My Mom calls her mom to let her know what happend, and her Mom ...more or less did not care at all. My Mom wanted her to come over, but Ms. K just said " Can I speak to Coury." She did not want to see us at all.

Ive never felt this shitty before, but I am still a Muslim ...as far as me and Coury go though, I do not know if I can be with her. She needs help, and today I helped her call a therapist. We both decided to take a break from each other for a unset period of time so she can figure out what she wants, whether she wants Islam or not ...I still fucking love her so much, and shes never done this before. She has unresolved issues from the past, and she needs to figure out if she wants Islam or not. Its not my choice, or anyone else's choice but hers and Allahs choice.
Heh, I just got off the phone with my Mom ... you know, Ive never cried or hugged her as much as I did last night, and Ive never seen her cry so much either.
To sum this whole thing up, Im not sure at all if Coury is the right one for me, but I feel like she is the right one for me. I told her I would always love her ... I dont break promises, even as I sit here and cry, I still feel so much for her. Love is a complicated thing, and very hard thing too. Coury needs help from a therapist - but more importantly she needs to find peace within herself . Im not so sure when that will happen.

I've never felt so sad in my life.
-Samir