I spent the afternoon arranging our books by size and color (and it’s so satisfying and looks amazing) and my partner came home and stared in shock at the bookcase and then said “i’m a librarian, you can’t do this.”

him: you split up all the song of ice and fire books

me: yeah i know, they’re all primary colors, it’s perfect

him: [self-destructs]

You’re a monster

As a former bookstore employee, this hurts my soul. I mean, sure it looks nice, but how do you find anything?

it has occurred me during this process that apparently not everyone thinks about books by what color they are? like, literally when i’m looking for a book, i picture it in my mind. i have a very…tactile experience with the books i read and idk! i thought everyone did that lol.

my partner was like “how will i find [this book] for instance” and i replied “easy, it’s purple” and he looked at me like i was a witch.

OP your brain is neat and I love you for it you funky little color-coded cupcake. But you’re still a monster.

Freedom FROM religion is mandatory.

basketball dracula isn't real dude he can't-- *sudden squeaking noises from the shadows*

*two pool toys having sex tumble by in the wind* oh thank god

*thunderous slam dunk noise*

DJ dubcon hopes everyone in the club is having a good time tonight but he’s not going to check

Sometimes my brain does what I call a split second mental “refresh” which leads to me abruptly getting disoriented and going “ah! I just had a refresh.” It is unclear what to make of this because I made the term up

It’s so normal probably maybe potentially

half of these tags are about plurality and the other half are about fucking seizures

do you take a werewolf boyfriend to the vet or the doctor. this is too complicated

Context: she had babies with a werewolf and isn’t sure where to take them either.

she had babies with a what

He died :(

Raising kids alone is stressful enough without them being part wolf.

Raising kids alone

is stressful enough without

them being part wolf.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

Lily is the type of mother that says ‘your father and I have decided……..’ and James would be taken aback like ‘when did I decide that?’

Plus:

She’s the type to call Harry at 9:00 pm telling him to get back immediately and that his father is furious.

Harry knows that his father is snoring loudly in his bed.

It would be the other way around, actually. James would be the one calling Harry every hour. And Lily would be: "Calm down and come to bed. Harry is fine"

girl with ptsd voice: hey, so something really bad is gonna happen, right? you guys are picking up on that too, yeah? The other shoe is about to drop, I just know it.

posted at 3 am and has over 200 notes less than two hours later. girls, are y'all okay?

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

at some point in your life you will be bringing sugar and butter to boil for toffee and you will think “it hasn’t thickened enough.” that is the devil talking. the toffee needs to cool before it can set. this is how you end up with toffee that will annihilate your mouth. learn from this folly.

sorry to everyone out there who thinks they have the funniest tshirt but i think i can confidently say i just saw the actual funniest tshirt just now. i passed by a beautiful black woman with long multicolor braids blowing majestically in the beach breeze & she was wearing an oversized tshirt that said in gigantic letters "WHITE BOY OF THE YEAR"

not many people know this but when talking about your multiple pronoun-using friend you build up a combo meter for every subsequent unique pronoun you use

After a 5 year hiatus, national embarrassment Conor McGregor debuts in his own mma tournament called World's Baddest Man and his very first move is to blow out his knee and collapse to the ground

This is the best possible outcome of this btw

They cant oretend he had a chance. He came out looked pathetic in front of everyone, and left.

He didnt get knocked the fuck out by Max (who would have fucking dog walked greggy lets be fucking real) and he didnt somehow come out on top or even survive till decision.

1:09 into round one he blew his knee out and that was that. What a fucking loser.

ANYWAY! today's big adventure is buying toys for my niece and nephew, bc they're visiting next week and I want them to think I'm cool. the last time I saw my nephew, I gave him a little Canada bear that he clipped to his backpack and takes with him everywhere, and tbh I'm still riding that high

I forgot to take pics before the wrapping, but I got my nephew a plastic tool belt and my niece a golden retriever puppet. the store clerk asked if it was for a birthday, and I said “no, I just want my sister’s kids to like me.”

my nephew liked his tool belt, and my 16 month old niece reeeeally liked the wrapping paper that her present came in 🥰

I’m panicking why are the Swedish talking about me