finch

Over in smallweb it's smallweb September and so I've been trying to list out the stuff I've been meaning to do on my website and haven't gotten around to.

So far my list is:

probably find a webhost that's not just uploading shit to my email provider?
put my original universe stuff together literally at all
reformat the character reference pages and get them up
putting the art up would also be nice
fanfic archive could use updating/incorporating
so could some random other pages like my Flight Rising lore

Not sure how far I'll actually get in the list but it's nice to kind of lay out what I'm thinking, at least.

The end of September I'm going to be hosting Fourth Wing Femslash Week over on Tumblr again, which people seem to be excited about. It's not a fandom that sees a lot of femslash, so it's fun to drum up some interest.

This week I've been focused on writing for a different event week over there, but after that my plate's mostly clear between now and then so we'll see what happens, eh?

Also at the end of the month I start classes again. Ughhhhhh. Not terribly excited about that, but I guess I'll worry about it when we get there.

Here’s the post about scrupulosity!

OCD is best known for germaphobia and hoarding and religious scrupulosity, all of which I’ve dealt with in varying degrees, but I think it’s less well-known that religious scrupulosity is basically a form of moral scrupulosity, and that it can take other shapes as well.

Sidebar: scrupulosity as a word just means an obsessive, overwhelming anxiety/fear of being bad, for whatever bad means to you. You can probably guess why it often hijacks religious beliefs, and why it loves to square dance with intrusive thoughts.

In practice, this means constantly feeling like I’m not doing enough: for new people, for friends, for mutuals, for the fandom as a whole. I want to be welcoming and encouraging. I want to read and chat with new writers so they write more! I want to keep up with my friends’ fics! I want to read other fics just because they look interesting! And of course if I’m reading, I want to be commenting and live reacting and reccing on tumblr! I want to gift drabbles and fanart and reaction fics to people so they know how awesome they and their work are!

(also I want to write my own fics and draw my own art, and I’m really not good at pushing my own work because I’m always fighting the idea that it’s selfish to want people to read my work.)

There’s a reason Mr Rogers is so prominent on my ancestor altar, y'all, and it’s because I want to be a good person so fucking bad. It’s because in my heart and soul there’s a part of me that’s constantly certain that I’m a fucked up, horrible monster and if people like me it’s only because I’m fooling them.

I know I maybe over-identify with Xaden, okay? He knows he’s going to be the bad guy for a lot of people no matter what he does, and he still does everything he can, and he gets shit on for it. I think about his comments in Samara, about how people are fuckheads to him but he doesn’t mind because they go easier on Garrick.

One of the things that’s come up when I write Xaden more than once is projecting my own insecurities onto him. The certainty that he can never do enough. The fear that he really is the monster people see when they look at him, and no amount of… well, no amount of anything is going to fix that.

There’s a reason he’s fascinated by Violet telling him he’s a good person.

I really, really struggle when people talk about how Xaden is a terrible person and an awful friend and everyone else would be better off without him because I feel like that’s true of me too.

Disclaimer: I know that’s not the same thing, and people are entitled to their interpretations of the characters! This is just me talking about what goes on in my head. The ways my brain lies to me ultimately have nothing to do with the way people write fic. If it doesn’t latch on to this, it would (and does) latch onto something else.

I still don’t have a point. I’m just finding it helpful to write this stuff out and work through it, and some people seem to have found the first post helpful to read so! Let’s be vulnerable.

(Reposting from my Tumblr because this is more personal than I usually get over there.)

I'm not putting this on my fandom blog because ultimately it's not fandom specific... but since we're talking about mental health as fic writers and fandom people, I asked myself, should I insert myself into this conversation?

Because if I'm not on Tumblr, I would not have an excuse to avoid doing my accounting homework and while I do find figuring depreciation to be calming I don't want to do it before today. ( Read more... )

I genuinely can't tell you the last time I read or watched something new that made me want to start writing right away, but here I am poking slowly at an Empyrean fanfic now that I've finished Iron Flame. Or maybe two.

I'll see if anything comes of it, it doesn't seem like any fandom I've actually been in before? Like, the last time I was in a fandom that was actively releasing was Steven Universe and so far at least this is very much not that. (Thank god.)

Also I never felt much like writing for SU.

Do I even know anybody that reads "booktok romantasy" or whatever this genre is supposed to be? I joined a discord server and they seem pretty chill so far at least.

Ughhhhhh work.

Nothing I can complain about in public really, just ugh in general.

I'm very, very tired.

Also I fundamentally do not understand the fandom for the Fourth Wing and its sequel. This is a spicy series, the author doesn't shy away from the sex, and the male lead has shadow manipulation powers and somehow there is only one shadow tentacle porn fic on AO3.

I am trying not to take this as a personal challenge.

At least not until I finish the second book.

SO anyway, I learned recently that you can use Google Sheets as a feed reader, sort of. If you put an RSS feed link in a cell, you can then use

=IMPORTFEED(A1,"items url",FALSE,10)

to pull in the ten most recent posts,

=IMPORTFEED(A1,"items title",FALSE,10)

to bring in their titles, and

=HYPERLINK(A2,B2)

to combine them into a link.

Is this useful? Not particular as far as I can tell. But it amuses me.

swannee posted: Fannish Fifty: A 2023 posting challenge

This looks fun! It's just a challenge to post 50 times about fannish stuff in 2023, does what it says on the tin. I think it'll be fun to talk about fanfic I'm reading or writing, and to try to work on fanart more as well.

First things first, I was just made aware of an MDZS friending meme so if I've recently added you that's probably why, and hello!

NaNoWriMo status: I'm currently at about 25k, just decided that this story actually works much better in first person than tightly focused third, and am basically planning on rewriting it as soon as I finish it. Oops. Oh well.

Health status: ( is going behind a cut )

Family status: Bug's school has the kids do two big presentations each year, where they are led through brainstorming topics, coming up with a key question, researching the answer to the question, making a five to ten minute speech, and producing a "product" to demonstrate or enhance their work. Bug was absolutely determined to produce a book in Braille since her topic was about how Helen Keller learned. We tested multiple ways of producing Braille and there were basically none that she could successfully execute, so she wrote the book with p_cocincinus and I did the dots one by one with my awl, and then let her pick from my paper stash and we made a hard cover and bound the book into it together. She was SO HAPPY with the result and it made the ache in my wrist the next day worth it. I love that she's excited about making books and it's something we can do together.

P and Bug are going to visit P's mom in early December and I'm not going, because airfare is expensive enough as it is and it's hard for me to get a bunch of time off last minute this time of year anyway. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself while they're gone. Write, probably?

More writing status, I guess: I've had some decently productive writing days this month, but it's been really hit and miss. Even when I'm doing sprints or I'm in a full-screen focus mode, I feel like I just can't barrel through like I used to. I'm not sure how much of that is a certain amount of inner editor that I just can't turn off anymore, or if it's because I'm always expecting to get interrupted, or what. I did manage to have a 5k day, which I didn't think was possible for me anymore, honestly, by alternating sprints writing with sprints cleaning and then staying up until past three AM, which is definitely not sustainable.

I feel like I'm thinking about writing and posting fic differently than I used to. All of the writing I've done with P that is us-only has made me better at not needing an audience to keep going, but I do still struggle with finishing. With my Nano Project, I want to actually finish the whole thing before I post it, and that's going to have to include a ton of editing/rewriting because of the POV change, and I've never really done that before, I've always been more of a post-as-I-go person because I need the dopamine.

Fandom status: I've read a ton of Untamed fic and I keep thinking about wanting to get into writing for it, especially since it seems like such a busy fandom, but I've yet to find the thing that I just absolutely have to get out, which is usually my opening motivation. Either that or I have a weird dream, but the only weird dream I've had after reading MDZS so far was of Wei Wuxian teaching a bunch of seven and eight year olds how to play the recorder to stop zombies, and I blame that as much on Bug's music class at school as anything else.

No spoilers but the end of the new WandaVision episode nearly made me scream while Bug is asleep.

A beautifully-edited #ineffablehusbands video set to Belinda Carlisle's Heaven Is a Place On Earth. Possible spoiler warnings, though I don't know that there's anything that actually gives anything away about the plot if you haven't got the context of knowing what happens?

( cut the embed )

Poster: Demyx

umadoshi linked to Tor announcing Over the Woodward Wall, a New Fantasy Series from Seanan McGuire and I'm pretty sure that's the happiest thought I've had all week.

princessofgeeks posted: Good Omens meta. If you're in the mood for Good Omens meta, I recommend starting here and following the breadcrumbs to other/previous posts,

cimorene has a good one and there's several others linked, but what I've been thinking about is this bit:

This to me is the great wonder that Pratchett and Gaiman suggested, and that the show absolutely caught in this weird difficult way because of the writing and because of Michael Sheen -- his Aziraphale is so concerned about the details! This particular taste, this particular person, this particular vintage, this particular book. It just chokes me up -- the beauty he finds in the details. He never overlooks anything.

Ever since Screwtape -- hell, ever since Dante! Milton! -- it's been conventional wisdom that the Devil gets all the good lines. And this to me is one of the great achievements of Good Omens and Sheen.

Gaiman and Sheen found a space where goodness is not cardboard and boring. And boy, do we need that. We need a new morality and they provide it.

Bug has gotten very into Mr Rogers' Neighborhood, so we watch an episode most nights before bed. Ideally this calms her down, although sometimes whatever's going on in the Neighborhood of Make Believe can be dramatic. But when the idea that Aziraphale's "goodness" is reflected in his appreciation for the details was mentioned, the first thing I thought of was Mr Rogers and his genuine interest in everything and everyone, and his appreciation for everything and everyone, and his love for everything and everyone, and how much those are the same thing.

I keep thinking of that circle, of seeking to understand and understanding and love. I'm still looking for different ways to handle my anxieties, and seeking understanding helps. I want to understand. A lot of stuff goes over my head - I'm not good at reading people, and I am not nearly so good as Mr Rogers at always seeing the joy in what's in front of me, and I can't appreciate existence the way Neil Degrasse Tyson does, but I can sure pick out what I can see.

Pulled cards tonight for the first time in a while. Unsurprisingly, got called out on overthinking. It was one of those readings where the "go" option got the seven of pentacles (waiting, planning) and the "stay" option got the magician (do! the! thing!) so I had to drag out all of my assumptions about the situation and put them on the table. I joked earlier that I only have two modes, wannabe homesteader and wannabe vanlifer.

"Going" meets committing, buying a house, not necessarily now but likely in the next year or two. I phrased it as "going" because I hate moving and for some reason I've largely framed this in my head as moving or not moving.

"Staying" means remaining in a rental, and what that really meant, I realized, was figuring out why it was worth staying in a rental. "Because my mom thinks me buying a house is scary" is not a reason. "Because I think I want to move to Seattle and go to divinity school" might be. Hell, "because I want to buy an RV and be a travelling jewelry artist" might be, and it'd be a better answer than the one I have now, which is nothing at all.

Thank you for all the support and the suggestions for breathing and the breathing doctor. I'm going to try to go into this appointment a little more argumentative, and also

p_cocincinus has someone we can complain to if this still doesn't feel like it's getting us anywhere. I'm thinking I'll try a neti pot, and the hot washcloth helped some too.

I realized last night that I had missed Rent Live just about the time it ended, which was maybe for the best since it meant I wasn't thinking about missing it while we finished The Little Mermaid. But you know what is also good for clearing my sinuses? The reprise of I'll Cover You. Any version at all, it doesn't matter, I just sob that snot right out.

I have been trying to have Thoughts about the last episode of Steven Universe pretty much since it aired, but someone else did so I don't have to! Io9 posted: The Powerful Transgender Narrative in Sugar's Steven Universe

But in the latest arc, the show has told a more specific story, one that speaks to me very personally. It’s not just a metaphorically queer story. Instead, it re-positions all of Steven Universe as a metaphorically trans one.

I had some good thrift luck Sunday, finding a pair of low Docs for $5, and I have a mostly free day with

p_cocincinus before my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, so even though I can't freaking talk I guess I'll keep on keeping on, you know?

Poster: Clay

but I would totally watch like five seasons of nothing but slice of life episodes of the New Normal.

I love it when my ships end up being canon. Especially when I think they're a little too messed up to be in the running for canon-ness.

So people keep posting their AO3 names? They're doing a push for old fic, and they have author subscriptions now.

I'm

finesharp and I think the only thing I have upcoming is my

ff_exchange fic but there might be some Green Hornet or something. Mostly it's full of past Yuletide fics, Repo! stuff, and my epic Asian-themed American cartoons crossover roadtrip. (Yeah, I don't know.)

Also people are sharing DW codes. I just went over to

dw_codesharing and picked a bunch of users and sent them invite codes. With the issues LJ is having, there's lots of people over there looking for codes, so if you have a couple of minutes and some codes, it's a good time to go look.

It's got Jay Chou in it.

So,

ilthit, this link to my fic journal is your fault. (one double drabble and one ~600 word chunk. warnings for, well, my fic. a little language, some violence, some sexual themes.)

It's not serious fic or anything. I've just been playing around with the characters since I saw the movie and I probably wouldn't have posted it at all if I hadn't been encouraged to.

(I enjoyed the movie, but (a) I only paid $4 to see it and (b) I like explosions and stupid violence. I can't say I would recommend the movie, necessarily. But I did enjoy it.)

Dear person:

Hello!

I am still not entirely sure how I got talked into signing up for this. Nonetheless, I hope you find at least one of my prompts to be inspiring and I promise I'm really very easily amused so odds are I'll like whatever you come up with.

I will open with the same things I said for Yuletide: "In general, I'm okay with anything from gen up to NC-17 but I would like some story with my porn, if you choose to go for porn. I like het, slash and femslash, so feel free go whereever your muse calls you as far as that goes. Dark fic is awesome, but I very rarely like major character death."

( My prompts, more information, my thoughts on yaoi, etc; cut for the 90% of my friendslist that's not doing ff_exchange )

I think that's everything.

I took a look at

prime_integrals but I'm not sure what I think of it. I don't post a lot of fandom stuff, but I do talk about books and movies, and it's not really clear what they're looking for. In the comments of the first post the mod talks about possibly "adjust[ing] the membership of people appropriately" if they're too fandomy to be on the reading page of the comm, and that's so outside the realm of what I'm used to on this kind of site that I don't know what to think.

I don't know that I call myself an Odinsman, since he's not the only god I work closely with, but the pictures of Anthony Hopkins as Odin on the set of Thor make me a happy geeky heathen.

Now see, is that fandomy? Or religious? Or both?

Still waiting for my last transcript to be received at the school so they can evaluate my application. Have I mentioned how much it sucks to have bounced around to four colleges and needing to request them all? Especially when one of them always thinks I have a balance due even though I don't, and one of them only takes transfer requests via Actual Paper Mail?

Saw a comment by a family member on Facebook that she was trying Thai food today for the first time. She's in her late 30s. I'm sort of wondering if you can even get good Thai food where she lives. XD I don't remember there even being decent Chinese in the area.

Speaking of, I seem to have moved on from getting awkwardly friended by people I knew in high school to getting awkwardly friended by people my sister knew in high school. What the hell, people.

...let me show you them.

So! This was the first year my schedule actually conspired to let me attend Phoenix Comicon. And now I have some opinions about it, which I will share, because I'm sure anybody cares.

( Con: TL;DR Pro: At least it's behind a cut tag )

I don't want to sound negative. I had a great time at the con. There was a huge range of people there, from little kids to a MILLION teenagers to adults. Obviously it was a con that managed to offer a little something for everyone, and that was awesome. I enjoyed the guests and the panels, I got some books signed, and I bought some art. I finally was able to get a con sketch from Randy Milholland. I met John Layman, who writes Chew. I saw a lot of people I know. It was a good con, and I'll go back next year.

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I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. - Terry Pratchett

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Small Web September, perhaps

speaking of ocd

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Hello New Fandom

Fanfic and Stupid Spreadsheet Tricks

Signal Boost: Fannish Fifty: A 2023 posting challenge

A long post because all my short thoughts keep ending up on Mastodon.

Well Fucking Played, Marvel

Today on KDMX: Good Omens

Stay and Go

And then to bed

Absolutely No Spoilers For the New Steven Universe Episodes

No Context Means It's Not A Spoiler, Right?

Some Almost-Meme Stuff

This totally qualifies as a Green Hornet related icon.

To those about to Doink: A letter

Some Saturday Stuff

Thoughts on Phoenix Comicon

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