I am tef

January 7th, 2025, 01:22 am

2024

2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729…
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616…
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046…
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441…
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985…
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330…
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456…
2015 http://figg.livejournal.com/348903…
2016 https://figg.livejournal.com/34907…
2017 https://figg.livejournal.com/34934…
2018 https://figg.livejournal.com/34960…
2019 https://figg.livejournal.com/34988…
2020 https://figg.livejournal.com/35002…
2021 https://figg.livejournal.com/35035…
2022 https://figg.livejournal.com/35068…
2023 https://figg.livejournal.com/35085…

It's time for the yearly update. Here's where I was at the start of the year.

> I'm burned out again.

Not much has changed. I didn't get a job until november, and frankly I don't know how long it will last. At least I can pay rent. It's been a year of stressing over finances.

More accurately, it's just been a year of stress.

About two weeks into the year, Kat learned she was on the chopping block. A series of tortuous reorgs and layoffs later, and Kat lost her job. As I write this, the clock is running down on her visa, and as you might expect, the mood at home isn't great.

Things just haven't gone well.

I had a bad alcohol experience that has put me off drinking almost entirely, but it wasn't like I was going out much to begin with. I'm pretty sure I was more sociable between lockdowns. It's not entirely "nae pals", a huge chunk of it is "not being awake when other people are", or "not having the executive function to plan things", or "inevitably flaking because my mental health is at an all time low". I just don't really leave the house anymore.

Again, things aren't going well.

I ended up melting down (quelle suprise) in a discord group. Then it happened again. Cohost went by the wayside too, and I've never really gotten the hang of regular social interaction online outside of social media. Turns out people don't want a wall of text. I'm technically speaking in one irc channel, maybe two, but that's really about it for "group social activities online".

Maybe this week, Kat will get good news, and maybe things will start to pick up. On the other hand, it also feels like everything could fall apart tomorrow, and there's fuck all I can do about it.

That's how the year has gone. Things have happened. I've done nothing.

Well, except for finding a job, so there's that at least.

January 4th, 2024, 01:44 am

2023

2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729…
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616…
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046…
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441…
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985…
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330…
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456…
2015 http://figg.livejournal.com/348903…
2016 https://figg.livejournal.com/34907…
2017 https://figg.livejournal.com/34934…
2018 https://figg.livejournal.com/34960…
2019 https://figg.livejournal.com/34988…
2020 https://figg.livejournal.com/35002…
2021 https://figg.livejournal.com/35035…
2022 https://figg.livejournal.com/35068…

I usually open by talking about the year before. It usually goes something like this "I wanted to travel, I did not travel." Last year has been a little different. The big goals were to move to edinburgh, and to get a job.

I managed to do both in the space of a week.

Last year, I was unemployed, living on my own, rotting in london. Now I'm living with Kat, along with Q-Tip, Espresso, and Spooky, and we take turns rotting.

It's my turn right now. I lost my job last month.

To cut a long story short: I got hired to do specialist work, and they ran out of specialist work. The plan to move onto other projects was unsuccessful, too. There's only so many times I can be thrown in the deep end, two weeks before a deadline.

In other words, work has been good, but it's not been great.

Despite the four day week, I never really felt like I was doing enough. I've been a ball of stress for these last few months, worried about getting fired. I was happy to call it quits in the end.

As a result, 2024 is starting off much like 2023. I'm looking for work. I'm also hoping to play the ADHD treatment lottery again. I almost won it last year. I got an email saying I was at the front of the list for treatment, but it arrived the day I moved back to edinburgh. I'd already given up on waiting, but the timing did sting a little.

By comparison, the rest of the move was relatively uneventful. I put my life in boxes, drove to edinburgh, and then struggled to unpack them for months on end. Kat had a harder time of it, but that was to be expected.

Shifting two cats across the pond, dealing with the hostile uk bureaucracy, and coming to terms with life in a new but somewhat unfamiliar country. I bought her Tide Pods so the laundry smells right, amongst other small things.

It hasn't been easy, but we're still here.

My new life in edinburgh is much like my old life in london. I don't leave the house much, I sleep weirdly, and I'm struggling to keep in touch with friends and be sociable, but things are slowly picking up. I also have a new reason to stay at home: q-tip.

Kat wanted a third cat, and 48 hours later Kat was on a plane to collect him. I named him q-tip. He is adorable. I would die for him. I have a million photos of him. I cannot get over how small and fluffy he is. Of all the things I'd planned to be, a cat dad wasn't one of them.

It's not bad though.

Anyway, with the big things covered (I moved, I temporarily had a job, New Cat), it's time for the little things.

I'm still grieving, and this time of year was never an easy one for emotions. I've managed to keep in touch with some of my family, but i'm still running on my own calendar. I've managed to go to the pub a few times, but i'm no closer to finding a regular haunt and a regular crowd. I do miss the duckpond, and I absolutely miss the crows. I truly had no idea how much of my fragile mental health was held together with "a nice little walk outside".

Plus: I'm burned out again.

Not as bad as before, but still pretty bad. Moving and starting a new job at the same time meant it took far longer to feel comfortable at both. Kat's been travelling for months on end, and it's been hard to keep to a pattern. I've been slowly walling myself off as I find myself fragile and snapping. It's why I was so happy to be fired. I barely had the energy to put in a four day week.

That about covers it for the little things, so that's almost it for the yearly update. There's just one last thing I want to cover. Moving to edinburgh, moving in together, having a kitten, none of these things would have happened on my own timeline.

If there's one reason this year went moderately well, if there's one reason the year isn't just a rehash, it's Kat.

I should probably tell her that.

January 7th, 2023, 11:42 am

2022

About a week after writing my post, I found out that my dad had died.

[...]

Then I blinked once or twice, and it was 2022. It's both been the longest and shortest year of my life.

Now two years on, there just hasn't been a moment where it isn't at the back of my mind. He's dead, and well, there isn't much I can do about it apart from miss him and move on with my life as best I can.

Honestly, I'm doing pretty good at the getting on with my life stuff. Last year I hoped I'd do a bunch of stuff, and for once I actually did some of it.

I do want to leave the UK this year, visit America at the very least. EMF is scheduled for this year too, and hopefully it will go ahead. Maybe my long overdue ADHD appointment will appear, and I won't be told "You can't be medicated" again.

The ADHD appointment didn't happen, but frankly I wasn't holding my breath. The other stuff though? It actually happened. Stuff I planned to do actually happened. Say what you will about modest goals, but it makes a marked change from all the other years gone by.

In march, I visited Iceland. Lovely. Later on, Kat and I visited Stockholm, Valencia, and Birmingham, as I followed her around as she jumped across europe for work. We even had time to visit Edinburgh. A place I haven't been for a while, and although some things have changed, it's still the comfortable city I remember.

I had a great long weekend seeing old faces. This happened more than a few times this year, too.

At EMF I took my cameras, made some new friends, and had a pretty relaxing time, give or take torrential downpours. I visited New York and caught up with some old london friends and new internet friends. San Francisco was ok, but obviously I had the most fun in Oakland. Seattle was lovely, but I didn't quite make it out to the telecoms museum.

I did however get a Covid booster while I was in Seattle, which was a very good idea because two weeks later I'd caught Covid.

Not from travelling around, but from my brother's wedding. There isn't much you can do when you have to be sociable and indoors for twelve hours, at an event that people will turn up to no matter how ill they are. I absolutely saw it coming, and I absolutely intend to lord it over my brother for the next decade.

At the wedding, he did ask me to take photographs, but I wisely told him to hire a professional. I still took a camera and a very silly flash gun, sure, but there wasn't any pressure for me to take good photos. It did finally push me to get the kit to develop colour film at home, too.

In other camera news, I've managed to rein in the eBay grieving.

I only bought three cameras this year. One broken camera, one replacement for the broken camera, and a large format beast. I am now a happy owner of a Wista 45RF, and I've taken it out to the pub as is my want.

I even converted it into an ersatz enlarger and started making postcard sized prints of some of the photos I took this year. It's given me some very happy memories already and I long to find more excuses to wave it around. It's almost dismissive to call it a grieving purchase, as i'm pretty sure I've always wanted something so wildly impractical.

The other camera, an Agfa Optima Sensor Flash, deserves the title far more. It's the same camera my mum had when I was growing up, and after playing with one for a while I decided to grab one of my own. It's dorky, clunky, and zone focused. I now understand why none of her photos were ever in focus, but I totally get why she used it. It's just a really fun little thing.

The other bit of camera news is that i've spent a lot more time this year taking photos of people, and a big part of that is travelling. I just haven't had the time to visit the duckpond or the local murder out on the park, and it's been hard to fall back into the habit when I am home.

That, and bird food costs a lot of money and I still haven't found a job yet.

I did finally start looking for work though. December saw me burn through three different interviews, and maybe this last one will work out. I'm trying my best not to get my hopes up, the job market is a shitshow.

Which brings me neatly for my plans for this year: Get a job.

I've spent most of my inheritance taking a year out, travelling, and eating takeout in lieu of any executive function. It's been good to have some time off but I really could do with getting a bit more structure in my life, as well as disposable income.

The other big thing for this year? Moving back to Edinburgh.

For various reasons, Kat has decided to eject from the states and has picked Edinburgh as her new home. I can't blame her, it's a beautiful city and I was not so secretly hoping to convince her of such when we visited. I just didn't expect things to happen for another eighteen months to so.

I haven't really announced this online. My post lockdown social life is significantly different, and I wanted the people who stuck around to hear things first. It's a little petulant of me for sure, but that's who I am. Kat seems to put up with it.

Anyway, that's about it for the yearly wrap-up. A lot of travel, a few nice toys, and one big change on the cards. The year ahead feels much the same. Hopefully some travel, hopefully finding a job, and also hopefully moving to Edinburgh with Kat.

It feels weird to be confident about all of these things too, but pleasantly so. I'm tired of looking back on the year in misery or looking forward with uncertainty. It really does make a nice change.

January 13th, 2022, 03:18 am

2021

This year could have gone a lot better, but also, it could have gone a lot worse, much much worse.

I don't know what's in store for next year. Britain is firmly committed to flushing itself down the toilet, it'll be another few months before I get half of a vaccine, and then three months before I get the other half.

I really don't expect anything to change for at least nine months. Maybe if we're lucky, we won't be in lockdown this time next year, but I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, I have an ADHD referral to look forwards to, I can practice more harmonica, and spend each day as I have for years now: being sad on the internet and punctuating it with pictures of my corvid buddies. That, and I expect to have bought far too many lenses.

One year on, we're not in lockdown, I did get two vaccine doses and a booster, my ADHD referral never appeared, and I have over 70 lenses and at least fifteen film cameras. None of that really mattered.

About a week after writing my post, I found out that my dad had died.

I spent that week trying and failing to get my dad to answer the phone. Eventually, my brother sent the police around to check on him. We got a "I'm not dead" email, and then a few days later, a neighbour found him in his bed, dead.

I'd been worried about it all year. I felt pretty lucky that he'd survived this long, and all things considered, I genuinely thought my sister, with her refusal to get vaccinated, was more at risk.

Even so, before lockdowns, before social distancing, I'd gone home to visit him just to make sure I saw him one last time, back in February 2020.

We talked for hours on end. He handed over his old film cameras, telling me "That's your inheritance." When it came to returning to London, I told him "I love you", fearing it might be the last chance I got to say it. He said "Love you too" back.

We're still not quite sure what happened. The postmortem was inconclusive.

Several months later, I finally had both doses of the vaccine, and dragged myself back home to help my brother throw things in the back of the van. The house was pretty much stripped bare, but I managed to rescue one or two items with sentimental value.

I made my last visit home in October. We did the funeral. We played two of the songs Dad told us he wanted played at his funeral. I said goodbye to the house, to the shitty village i'd left behind decades ago, and that was it.

Then I blinked once or twice, and it was 2022.

It's both been the longest and shortest year of my life.

January 1st started with a close friend in tears, telling me I was a disappointment. Meanwhile, the job I'd started in October had already begun to fall off the rails.

The month prior, I watched a senior employee burn out a new hire. Things just got more and more unhinged, and after taking a month off in July, I managed two more months before throwing in the towel.

During that time, a mutual online friend died in a rip-tide. A few months after that, another online mutual died from Graft-Vs-Host.

This year wasn't entirely made of bad news, though.

In October, a friend came to visit. We fed the crows, visited the duckpond, and even made it as far north as Cambridge. They came back for round two in December & January, and predictably, we went back to the duckpond.

Along the way, I grieved my way through ebay, one film camera at a time. I have a lot of nice cameras now though. Lenses too. I even took an incredible photo of two crows kicking the shit out of each other.

https://twitter.com/tef_ebooks/sta…

It really has been a year.

I really don't know what next year will bring, but I think 2012 me had the right idea. About ten years ago, I wrote:

I also woke up on new years day to find a message from myself, one year ago, “you have not got any further in life, have you”. True as it may be - I did try a little to improve things, and I don't regret trying - although i'm still dealing with the repercussions. On the plus side - i'm less at odds with my sleep pattern, I remember to eat food most days. I'm drinking and smoking less. I'm no longer a walking ball of stress.

I have no idea what I'd like to achieve for 2012 beyond surviving it. I imagine it will go much like the last three years - not taking any holidays - wishing I would travel more, failing - being miserable for no good reason - and destroying any relationship I find myself in. Can't wait!

I do want to leave the UK this year, visit America at the very least. EMF is scheduled for this year too, and hopefully it will go ahead. Maybe my long overdue ADHD appointment will appear, and I won't be told "You can't be medicated" again.

I do plan to get back into employment, although I know it'll destroy what little executive function I have left, putting me back into the decade long rut of never getting enough of my shit together to do much more than survive.

Frankly though, given the shitscape outside, survival is more than enough.

January 9th, 2021, 08:57 pm

2020

2019: Better than the last five years, but not by much. Same as it ever was.

[...]

Really, I'm already in the best place to try and rebuild my life. There's jobs here, friends visiting, people my age on dating apps. If only I wasn't completely exhausted from doing precisely that, for just over six years.

2020: New decade, same problems.

I wasn't entirely wrong. The same problems plagued me. I've struggled to keep a sleep pattern, I've struggled to eat every day, and I've had great difficulty making and maintaining friendships.

Even so, I was beginning to make progress: I hadn't been burned out at work. I was starting to see people on a regular basis again. I was even leaving the house at least once a day. So far, so good. It didn't last, but for once, it wasn't my fault.

In January, I'd bought a fancy zoom lens. Turns out I really like taking pictures of crows. In February, I did get to see my Dad, and spend a weekend at home. I even took my fancy camera.

For March, I'd planned to visit Edinburgh, catch up with old faces, and try and celebrate my birthday for the first time in four years. A prelude towards leaving london, and maybe working out if I wanted to move back to Scotland, before Brexit became a reality.

Then in March, well, Lockdown happened. By July I'd burned out of my Job, but thankfully I found a new job by October. Along the way, I learned a bit of harmonica, got much better at nature photography, and even sold a few prints on the internet.

I spent the first 98 days of lockdown on my own. Eventually, the anxiety subsided, and I managed to meet up with a few people in the park. In the last nine months, I've seen five different people, and spent maybe a whole ten hours where I wasn't completely by myself.

Give or take 150 feral hungry crows.

It hasn't been a total waste of a year: I got called a "pandemic deity" by a vice journalist. I've made new friends online who are as obsessed by corvids as I am. I've even inspired a few people to go and spend some gentle moments outside, feeding the local wildlife.

This year could have gone a lot better, but also, it could have gone a lot worse, much much worse.

I don't know what's in store for next year. Britain is firmly committed to flushing itself down the toilet, it'll be another few months before I get half of a vaccine, and then three months before I get the other half.

I really don't expect anything to change for at least nine months. Maybe if we're lucky, we won't be in lockdown this time next year, but I'm not holding my breath.

In the meantime, I have an ADHD referral to look forwards to, I can practice more harmonica, and spend each day as I have for years now: being sad on the internet and punctuating it with pictures of my corvid buddies. That, and I expect to have bought far too many lenses.

p.s. here's a small thread of some of my favourite pictures from last year.
https://twitter.com/tef_ebooks/sta…

January 2nd, 2020, 12:08 am

2019: Same as it ever was

It's weird as hell that I can go back a whole ten years and see how much has changed. Or how little.

I went back slightly less than ten years. Back in 2012 I wrote:

This year has seen me withdraw socially. I don't feel like i've met new people, I don't feel in touch with people and I feel more and more distant from society and culture at large. Working from home has prevented me from getting more burned out, but instead of being in a constant panic, I seem to be in a constant slump. I've spent most of this year feeling like I've been missing everything, pushing people away, and destroying what stability I have left. It feels like i've condensed my life to a tape loop that I am miming through, having the same arguments over and over again, in the same places with the same people.

[...]

I have no idea what I'd like to achieve for 2012 beyond surviving it. I imagine it will go much like the last three years - not taking any holidays - wishing I would travel more, failing - being miserable for no good reason - and destroying any relationship I find myself in. Can't wait!

There's not to much add, really. Things have changed. Things have also stayed the same.

Back to last year's post:

It's just five years after moving to london, I feel like I arrived yesterday. No sense of place, no sense of grounding, no sense of belonging. I lied when I said the problem was just the sleep pattern.

It's now six years. Three in the same flat.

I'm still seeing Poonum, sort-of. It's hard to put in a box, we speak often, but haven't been able to see each other that regularly. We're making things work in a way that hasn't destroyed either of us, and that's been more than enough.

In other romantic news, I managed to go on two dates this year, a whole two more than I did last year! I'm starting to get back the confidence I used to have, although I'm not exactly hopeful about the future. I don't expect to be going on a date any time soon, and my other attempts at a relationship have left me rather exhausted.

I spent most of this year breaking up with Grace.

Several chances given, several chances were wasted. I also spent this year worrying over a health issue. It turns out these two things were connected, I was so stressed from the relationship, it looked like I had autoimmune problems, or worse. Still, one ultrasound, several courses of antibiotics, and numerous blood tests later, I was relieved to hear it wasn't cancer.

On the whole, the breakup went better this time around. I didn't lose my job this time. Then again, work hasn't been without issue.

The new office at work has proved too much of an obstacle, and I've slowly become decoupled from my immediate team and manager. I picked this job because I knew what would happen if I worked from home full time. Two years in, I've become as feral as I feared.

No longer a shut-in, I have become a full on cryptid. Literally. When I leave the house, people stop and take photos.

It's probably the flock of crows that have taken to following me around the park.

I started feeding the crows, well, bribing them back in April. Getting them to come close enough, so I could take photos. Things escalated. I bought a fancier camera, two fancier lenses. If i'm honest, some of the photos are surprisingly good.

Anyway. Now? The crows know where I live. They call out to one another when I walk around the park. Nothing has been as soothing for the existential thoughts—watching a flock of birds chase towards me and swarm in excitement.

In other words, I am leaving the house most days. It's a huge improvement on 2018, and 2017. I'm even eating food fairly regularly—usually once a day, sometimes twice, although sometimes I still forget to eat entirely.

I still did my usual thing of meeting people, fucking up and having no idea how to repair things.

2019: Better than the last five years, but not by much. Same as it ever was.

I took holidays, but didn't do anything with them. I saw old friends, but had to awkwardly explain why I wasn't hanging out with the same people from last time. Several times over.

Still, the regular stream of american visitors has been one of reasons I like being in London. I talk about moving away, but the reality is that I've only recently gotten to a state where it might be a good idea. Moving forwards, ready to try out new things, rather than moving back and slumping off into oblivion.

Really, I'm already in the best place to try and rebuild my life. There's jobs here, friends visiting, people my age on dating apps. If only I wasn't completely exhausted from doing precisely that, for just over six years.

2020: New decade, same problems.

January 6th, 2019, 12:54 am

2018, the battle is over but the war continues

2017 has been a year where I've been forced to confront my own inadequacies, and as a result, one year on, I feel like nothing has changed.

2018? I can't wait.

I got a job. I ended up speaking to Grace again after two years of complete silence. Somehow or other I'm poly again, and I'm seeing Poonum too. Other than that I didn't really leave london, or my house much. EMF was fun, though.

That's it, really.

I spent the first few months in a panic over employment. I've been told "you have too much ADHD" several times now.

Eventually I got a job, and I got my friend hired as a VP too! They let me sleep when I need and it is amazing to have such humanity shown to me. I mean, I'm still very depressed, but they aren't making things worse—if anything, work is helping. It's quite a change.

I also spent a few months with the dentist—I'm almost taking care of myself. I'm back to normal, just barely functioning, eating at least once a day, and not getting into too much trouble at work.

Outside of surviving: reconnecting with Grace was something I didn't expect to happen, and it gives me some hope that the other bridges I burned aren't as structurally damaged as once thought.

I'm still in my fancy cupboard flat, next to a beautiful park. I'm still smoking too much, but I've cut down the drinking entirely. Fasting on and off these last few years has wrecked my alcohol tolerance, and I find myself being a sad drunk more than ever.

I guess I'm back to waving-not-drowning. My burnout rate is up to 'once every 20 months' from 'once every 18'. I'm getting better, but I've been far more avoidant and isolate than ever.

I still see the hackspace crew of 2015, I got my new job through that clique, but it feels like almost everyone else from 2015 has moved on, left the UK, or just doesn't swim in the same circles as I do anymore. Moving to south london helped in many ways, but i've struggled to build any sort of regular social activities down here.

(It's worth mentioning that folk like Tom, Daniel, and a few others, have made an effort to hang out this year, despite the scheduling issues, and I still really appreciate it)

People ask "want to hang around and start drinking at midday in your timezone", and I reply "oh, that's going to be difficult" and pretend that I can negotiate with my sleep disability. I decided to stop.

At the beginning of the year, I made a promise to myself to stop trying to fit into other people's timezone.

Regular monthly events happen, old friends still come to visit, but I stopped trying to rush to the pub before eight or nine, or hang out on weekends before 4pm. It's been lonely, but honestly——being awake in an empty house until sunrise, night-in, night-out, is already pretty lonely. I'll live.

I mean, right now I'm seeing two people. Without getting too horny on main it's nice to be kinky. Anyway.

It's just five years after moving to london, I feel like I arrived yesterday. No sense of place, no sense of grounding, no sense of belonging. I lied when I said the problem was just the sleep pattern. The ADHD makes going to movies a mild form of torture, and the autism makes being in crowds overwhelming.

Still, EMF went better than I'd hoped. The first year I've gone and not had a bit of a meltdown or a panic. I had fun, people knew me, and I felt welcome.

Other nice things happened. I took lovely photos—"Wow, is that me?", helped a friend escape an abusive relationship, bought a nice bag, and generally made an effort to treat myself well.

2018 went better than expected, but I wish people would stop suggesting going to therapy for being sad about ADHD, sleeping weirdly, or being autistic. As someone who has been signed off from six+ jobs I would love it if people stopped telling me "just try harder", I did. Look where it got me.

I have no hope for 2019. The UK is a colonial mess of literal fascists and neo-liberals reminiscing over war-criminals, and I'm almost certainly going to lose the right to live and work in 28 countries. Which will be an issue because tech is going to pack up and leave london, and so will I if I want to keep paying rent.

Burning out every twenty months for the best part of twenty years has left me a dried husk of ideation. As for dreams and aspirations? I'm pretty sure I won't own a house, but maybe if i'm lucky I'll have a cat.

2019, can't wait. Get it over with already

January 1st, 2018, 03:27 pm

2017: bigger, badder, uncut

2007 just moved back to edinburgh
2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729…
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616…
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046…
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441…
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985…
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330…
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456…
2015 http://figg.livejournal.com/348903…
2016 https://figg.livejournal.com/34907…

2016: The year got longer.

2017: It feels like 2016 just kept happening.

I started this year, comfortably in a job and taking a huge risk to make a relationship work. It didn't and pretty much everything else in my life fell apart too, or felt like it.

I start this year with no job, and no real strucure in my life, and thankfully enough money not to have to fall back into a job, or go through the job centre when really i'm still too burned out.

We'll see where I am in another 12 months. I don't know if it will still be London.

Well, here I am in London. No job, no structure in my life. It's been a long year. In January, I bought a wonderful teapot. By December I'd smashed it. The rest of my year has been about the same.

The one feeling of progress has been with the Sleep Clinic. After an Actigraph study in January, a Sonograph (complete with electrodes stuck to my head), and finally a referral to a Neuroscientist specialising in circadian rhythm problems.

If there's one reason I'm stuck in london, it's winning the postcode lottery on the NHS, eventually landing with a GP who might trust me.

I did escape London for my birthday, technically Phoebe's. Aanand dragged me up to Edinburgh. It was weird and cathartic. My own little Trainspottng 2. The pub has changed hands, the scene has moved on, and for a moment, I could see my self returning to Edinburgh, without returning to the comfortable rut I made for myself.

The week before visiting Edinburgh, I fractured my hip. I've been limping since March.

The week after visiting Edinburgh, Aanand found out his Mother was dying. It was hard on him. Within a week, she'd passed. One month later I'm with him at the funeral.

It was nothing like when my Mum died. I've never been made to feel so welcome, even by my own family. Kinda why despite watching my best friend fall through the emotional shredder, I have confidence he will get through it. He isn't alone. A lot stronger than he gives himself credit for.

By May, I'd managed to go on a date. We lasted three dates, each punctuated by a terrorist attack. In June, I got to see Melt Banana, and made a return trip to the Equadorian Embassy ("You're not even a wiki", part 2)

September was the beginning of things starting to look up. I had solid leads on work, I went to a wedding, and I met P online. She was stuck out in the Bay Area for two weeks, and without any timezone difference we spent every day talking till 5am.

Then in December, it fell apart. Mutual but still painful. My job vanished overnight. Her employment situation was just as stressful. We found ourselves tearing each other apart.

It's been a slow year. A slow year punctuated with emotional intensity.

I did manage to write a blog post, but it read like a man-page, or an in-joke, something for people who already agreed with me. I even did NaNoWriMo (except starting in september, and never finishing), and ~4 restarts and ~120K words later, I'm feeling reasonably mediocre about my prose.

I still love living where I do. I love sitting on a hill, I love the unobstructed views of the horizon, waiting for the few glorious minutes when the sunrise makes the sky shimmer.

I've seen so many sunsets and sunrises this year. Next year won't be that different: the doctor hopes I can stabilise my sleep cycle at around 5am-1pm, and that treating ADHD should have a knock-on effect.

Hopefully.

On the other hand, people are moving on from London. Aanand leaves in May, Adam already left, and I don't know where I can go. It's been a struggle to find employment, and the sleep/adhd problems haven't got any better.

For years I pretended that if I had the time, the money, I'd do *something*. Write a book on code, re-learn music, invent a programming language, travel. Instead I've eaten a lot of Gregg's sausage rolls.

Similarly, I've been waking up in the afternoon for years, pretending that if I woke up a few hours earlier, I'd do more with my day. When I do wake up in the daylight, I'm completely exhausted.

2017 has been a year where I've been forced to confront my own inadequacies, and as a result, one year on, I feel like nothing has changed.

2018? I can't wait.

January 2nd, 2017, 12:59 am

2016 retrospective

2007 just moved back to edinburgh
2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729…
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616…
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046…
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441…
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985…
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330…
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456…
2015 http://figg.livejournal.com/348903…

It's been a long year:

2016: The year got longer.

I ended up on a date in may. We've been living together since september. (I also burned through another relationship but now is not a good time to talk about that)

I burned through this relationship too. It's also not a good time to talk about that either.

I know i'll be going to america again, and hopefully seattle, and new york. EMF camp is coming up in august.

This year I went to San Francisco four times, and New York twice. I went to EMF too!

But honestly, I think my "n-months without burning out" streak is coming to a rough end.

And It did. I fell apart around my birthday, but couldn't quit my job and pay the rent at the same time.

this is the longest i've been in a job without seeing a doctor for my entire career (16 months)

This was the longest: 2 years. I started my 2 year anniversary on sick leave for stress.

It's back to london soon. I don't know what I am going to do [in] 2016.

It's been a long year.

In January I flew to sf and slowly dehyrated to the point of nausea and headaches in an AirBnB with more rats than beds. In February I went out to new york for a weekend and obtained GlobalEntry. It's neat.

In March I had my birthday, but I was already starting to fall apart. The pager rota had been hell over january, and I was close to ragequitting time and time again. Still, I had my birthday party in London for the first time since moving here, taking over a bit of a pub and having one rather perfect night.

Another work trip to SF in April, but this time I was in a Hotel. Bliss. I was still getting into trouble. I'd fallen behind in projects, and the goalposts had a knack for moving a little faster than I could reach them.

May: !!con in NYC. I ranted about Scratch for ten minutes and met lovely people. As awful as this year has been I don't regret this weekend at all. I eat a lot of xi'an famous foods too. I love New York City.

June: The all-hands in san francisco. It got to the point where i'd optimised the route all the way from my front door to 24th Mission BART, and back again. This time, another hotel, but I get too drunk on the first night. I'm tired, frustrated and I'm very self destructive.

While I'm in america, I hang around with aanand. Meanwhile back in the UK, Jo Cox is assasinated.

It happened. Brexit. Back of our mind. I knew how my friends in edinburgh would vote, I knew how my friends in London would too. I didn't really know one way or another until it happened. That morning I watched it unfold in slow motion across twitter as people simply tweeted "fuck" in a variety of ways.

The reason I'd moved to london was work, the reason I stayed was the breadth of visitors, residents. London is a enormous place, and that morning I'd watched our collective dreams shatter.

July: The transatlantic journeys stopped. I spent a lot more time in london. Things just got worse at work, and worse at home.

August: EMF! A break. Without long travel. With friends. It was great but I realised how little i'd been a part of it, and there wasn't so much for me to do. I'd been used to filling in and improvising between the gaps.

But I was exhausted. I'd come off the pager 24 hours before arriving. I still got to help out, but things were so much smoother this year. It passed in a moment. By the time I felt I was there it was already time to leave.

September: Exhausted continued. The flat lease was up, the relationship was over. I found a new place and did the exhausting dance of co-ordination to move. I did, and that weekend I realised I was completely burned out.

I already knew it. I'd been snapping at the people around me since January. By this point in the year I wasn't just unhealthy, but unhealthy to be around too.

I saw a doctor and they told me to rest for a month.

October: I did, and things slowly started to slow down. I caught my breath. I worked out that leaving work was the best option, handed in my notice, and a doctor's note to cover up till the last date.

At the last minute I burned some money and got to a wedding. I was a witness. It was a lovely lovely weekend and the first time I'd been to see a few of my friends, without feeling so volatile.

Nov: The last month of sick leave. Like i'd told myself to wait for the flat lease before making a choice, I also told myself to rest until things were formally concluded. Also, I watched america burn.

Dec: Really, I was still toast. At least I didn't break down into tears over christmas this year, but I was still alone. It wasn't so bad, just really boring. As the year wrapped up, there's still family stuff that's unresolved, and I didn't make it to edinburgh once. I did get to a sleep clinic though.

For New-Year, no-one really felt like celebrating. One party and it was small, but lovely. I needed something quiet, and I also got to do something improvised too.

It's been a long year.

I started this year, comfortably in a job and taking a huge risk to make a relationship work. It didn't and pretty much everything else in my life fell apart too, or felt like it.

I start this year with no job, and no real strucure in my life, and thankfully enough money not to have to fall back into a job, or go through the job centre when really i'm still too burned out.

We'll see where I am in another 12 months. I don't know if it will still be London.

February 9th, 2016, 02:43 am

2015 retrospective

2007 just moved back to edinburgh
2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729…
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616…
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046…
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441…
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985…
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330…
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456…

It's been a long year:

This year i'd like not to worry about paying rent or bills on time. I want to travel to seattle and somewhere else that isn't sf. I think both will happen.

I haven't worried about bills. I went to sf and seattle, and even new york too! And Belgium.

Relocation to oakland/west coast timezone has been offered and it is mighty tempting. Three months into a job is still too early to decide, but I don't think I'll burn out here. I might get bored, frustrated, but that's my archetype.

I stuck it out in london. SF burns me out every time.

I want to produce more things too, not just more posts, talks, and dad joke tweets, but code, books, games, toys.

Work hasn't been all consuming, but no real writing, posts, talks. Lots of dad jokes.

I don't think 2015 will have any less bumps than 2014, but I think i'll be able to deal with them. Looking back over these last seven years, this is probably the best i've been in a long, long while.

This is still true: this is the longest i've been in a job without seeing a doctor for my entire career (16 months)

It's been a long year.

January was the tail end of coming out, and I nipped to belgium to visit fosdem too. I managed to catch up with steve k and avoid richard stallman. It was nice to be able to thank a bunch of people whose software i've been relying on for years. I also went back up to edinburgh. It was good to see old friends but edinburgh is still a bit of a miserable, stunningly beautiful city.

I got to see deer hoof and it was everything I wanted it to be.

In march, I turned 32. I went back to the sycamore, and got everyone to say happy birthday to phoebe back in london (who shares my birthday). The last.fm clique was in town too and I got to show a bunch of londoners around as if I lived here. I went to new york. I went to seattle. I had a lovely, grounded time. Long walks, escapism. Xian Famous Foods. Mystery Soda Machine. I want to go back.

One hilarious thing about my birthday party is I moved it from one side of the bar to another b/c one of the strangers who we let crash our group was an asshole. It feels good that I can ask that of my friends, and they understood why I made a request.

And I lost my shit again. I'd broken myself in december, and it was only inevitable that it happened again. It seems like each and every time I come to america I end up broken. Probably because none of my normal coping strategies work here. Or it's an entirely alien culture. Who knows. Either way, the more time I spend in oakland and the less time I spend in SF seems to make my life better.

Meanwhile in sf, I blocked the 3696 (yes, i counted) people who followed me on twitter and somewhat gave up on a public persona because of this goddam tweet:

i have only ever used linked lists for two things

a) computer science exams
b) interviews by people who passed the above

I made a joke, had a usual rant and suddenly I'm quoted in tech crunch and a bunch of founder husband christians were in my mentions, drowning out people I wanted to talk to. I miss having an audience. I miss asking people to send me pictures of cats and getting overwhelmed with responses. I locked my account, had a great birthday, and at the end of a ~15-20,000 round trip, I was back in london.

6 months into the job i'd realised that although I enjoy my time in america, it consumed me each time. If I wanted to stay in london, i'd have to work at it. I ended up on a date in may. We've been living together since september. (I also burned through another relationship but now is not a good time to talk about that)

One last trip to the bay for my work's annual party/conference, and it was back to london. I got to go down a slide in the name of art, play in a reconstructed brutalist playground, and see ratatat again. November was opposite month. As if the planets aligned, many of my friends living in america turned up in london.

Really, The last six months of the year have been almost entirely chasing flats, moving house, setting up bills, and trying my best to keep on top of work. Christmas was a write-off. January started with almost complete exhaustion. Right now I'm in a friends flat in oakland. This last week, not zero fucks given, but frankly zero fucks left.

It's back to london soon. I don't know what I am going to do 2016. I feel like i have more choice and less choice than ever. I know i'll be going to america again, and hopefully seattle, and new york. EMF camp is coming up in august.

But honestly, I think my "n-months without burning out" streak is coming to a rough end.