The Past..

i. see. something. i. cant. be; beautiful. and. carefree.

..Like some god damn fucking freak, I'm so pressured..

yeah..home. yay. x.x

meh i thought id be in a better mood than this..seeing as well...i just got back from the cottage. +sigh+ fuck it.

too lazy to type up a journal entry..

I know I updated not too long ago. Under an hour ago, I believe. +sigh. curls up+ Bloody hell.

Talking to Josh. No one else, just Josh. Talking about cutting..and..such. +paces+ He..gah. >.< I ended up tossing everything. Everything. I'm shaking...I'm a fucking wreck. Everything's gone for good now..and I promised to Josh I wouldn't..I promised..

Gah. I'm such a freak..I mean..who the hell..gah. It's just a blade..it's just a couple sharp objects. ITS NOT A BIG DEAL. Is it? Is it really that big of a fucking deal? Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Heh. I mean..who the fuck would freak out over such a thing? >.<

+sigh+ I promised that I won't for a month. I'm pretty sure he's still mad at me. God..he's so awesome though. +paces+ Gotta love 'im..+sigh+ Yeah...I'm going now. Just...I don't know. Had to write a journal entry for the day I stopped entirely. +looks around+ God I feel so exposed..

>.

Something went wrong
You are not laughing
It's not so easy now to get your smile
You gotta be wrong
To walk these streets
And keep from falling
But when you're not, just let yourself cry

I don't see the big deal. Fuck. I mean, I know..and I do see that it's bad. You don't fucking understand though..you just..don't. I thought Jessica out of ALL people would understand...out of all fucking people.

I can't explain it...I can't make you understand. Fuck. >.< She knows though...I mean, all those times I didn't and she did...did I ever get mad and block her? No..fuck. I understand that sometimes it's just....GAH. I can't even....>.< Fuck sakes. I hate this. I really, truly do....

Some things from Jess and my convo..


"because he knows as well as I do that that is just all excuses to keep doing what your going to do. keep fueling your addiction. it is a way of de-stressing but Liz, your hurting yourself, how fucking sane of a way is that of de-stressing?"


God. I know it's not okay..and it's not good. Geezus christ. How stupid do you all think I am?! It's not an addiction..and I'm not making exuses. Fuck.

You. Don't. Get. It.


"every word you write is trying to convince yourself that this is okay and its normal. but its not. and if you look deep within yourself you can see that it isn't normal and you know how you can get help. but you are addicted. and you don't want to think of how anything to do affects everyone around you. because it does. it effects me. it effects Josh and all your other friends. it effects your mom and your sister and your dad who have to see you go into the hospital because you don't want to face life."


I'm not going back to the fucking hospital. I'm doing good. I'm not even cutting my arms. Gah. I'm HAPPIER than I've ever been. I really am..it's NOT that big of a deal..

I -do- want to 'face life'. I love life..well ok, that's a tad over-exaggerating..but I mean, I do. I want to live life to the fullest..make the most out of everything. I don't want to die...I -will not- die young, unless it's some freaky-ass accident, car crash or whatever. Gah. Can't you see that?! I'm doing good. I'm doing the best I ever have. I really, really am.


"eventually Liz this is going to lead back to the hospital. a little cut here or there. a little deeper and deeper. you are addicted. if your not addicted then why not stop? it isn't an art. its you distroying yourself. honestly? honestly your trying to convince yourself that your not messed up and that you need help.

and honestly I'm tired of trying to convince you that its bad for you because I know you know. and I'm tired of you being self centered and only thinking of yourself and not of anyone else."


I'm not though..can't you see that? Obviously not. It's not like before..ITS NOT FUCKING LIKE THAT. >.<

Geezus christ..I thought she'd see, thought she'd understand at least a bit. Self-centred? thinking of myself and not anyone else? What the fuck....how the hell....what. the. fucking. hell? I'm not...I don't...GAH. How the fuck can she say that?! Geezus christ...

-and then she blocked me-

that's because you're a dumbass

Fuck off, Bertha. Not now.

sorry.

Wow. So now I'm blocked by Jessica, which I thought would never happen. I mean..-especially- her..fuck. All the stuff she's done..all the times I've tried to talk to HER. Ugh.

I believe Josh blocked me as well. Last night was fucking hell..our conversations, I mean.

I don't understand why everyone's like this. I'm doing well, I'm happy. I'm NOT trying to kill myself..I NEVER want to kill myself. It's really not that big of a deal.

God. I think I am going to stop mentioning cutting, or anything 'not good' in this journal. I guess that's what I got Serena for. +sigh+ I just thought my friends would be slightly more understanding..

Fuck. Whatever...I guess..bah! +curls up+ Should go get ready for work. I need to call Victoria and see if we're still carpooling or not..see if Naiomi took her shift for today or not. +sigh+ Starting at 3. Oh joy. Be home at 11 if anyone cares to know.

I don't see the point. I don't see the fucking point of continuing a blog, of bitching, of venting..when it upsets people.

Talking to Justin. Briefly. Not in a great mood, evidently. Josh read my last entry...asked me 'what the fuck I did' and then blocked me. Yeah. Earlier today he said he was going to block me for a week everytime I cut.

Can't he see it doesn't do anything. Gah. I feel so fucking horrible for doing it in the first place..and effecting him, but then when he does that..it just..fuck. >.<

I'm close to just making all my entries private. FUCK. I hate that I do this to myself..and I hate that I feel so relieved.

I hate myself for giving in. I hate you for not understanding. I hate the doctor for giving me this STUPID medication. I hate the fact that I have countless scars on my arms. I hate that I once felt so lost and out of control, so hopeless..that I tried to take my own life. More than once.

I hate that I lied to myself and said I didn't need it anymore. I hate that it makes me feel better. I. Hate. This.

It's all fucking coming back to me now. God. >.< I wish I had the control. Yes, I know it's possible..but it's not that easy. Fuck. To think that I've relied on it for years, and then just stopped cold turkey because of the hospital..is 'unbelieveable' to some. It's because they unerstand..they understand how much it fucking hurt to exist. How much someone hurt themselves on the outside to try to kill what was inside. How much it felt like there was this growth..this..poison, that was inside of you. How nothing else mattered, and plans wouldn't be made in advance because you were convinced you weren't going to be there. +curls up+ They undertand the degree of the emotional pain that first led the 'cutter' to drag the blade across their skin. They understand the silent sigh of relief as the blood bubbled up, and as their skin opened.

Fuck. I sound like such a freak. I miss my friends from the hospital..I miss how they understood. They didn't get mad..but they sure as well weren't for it. They just listened..and they helped as much as they could. God. Just someone to not judge...not comment, not be effected...just to listen, to offer support. Sure, they were 'disappointed' and 'concerned' about it, but the didn't flip on me like Sam does..and they didn't ignore me or get pissed off. They were just..there.

God. >.< I need that so bad right now..

I actually feel sick to my stomach. Fuck. Who was I bloody well kidding?! I can't believe I FUCKING gave in..I can't believe..ugh. >.<

Talking to Justin..he's so great, he understands more than most..because he has experience in that..area. Fuck though. FUCK SAKES. I just..gaaah.

I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry.

Josh is going to fucking kick my ass, or block me, or hate me..or..all of the above. >.< God. Fucking. Damnit. Who'd blame him though? I mean, really..

What a freak, can't even....+paces+ FUCK.

I'm such a weak piece of shit. I couldn't even...god. So fucking pathetic. The little 'system' Josh has..where he cuts if I cut, or he might block me..I don't see how it's supposed to work. Fuck..I hate this. I fucking hate this. I hate me..and I hate that I kept that blade, but then I hate myself for feeling guilty for doing it.

God. Everything's so bloody complicated. >.< I just need a shoulder to cry on..or someone to bitch to. Fuck sakes. Nicole's not online..and she understands a lot. Josh..he doesnt get it..he'd probably just block me and get mad. Hell, I'm probably already blocked.

Fuck >.< I just need someone to understand..

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played..

If I could change, I would. Take back the pain, I would..
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would.
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would..

Bah. I'm on msn. The words are all swirling together. I can't think straight. I want to do something so fucking bad..so. fucking. bad. God..I'm restless, can't sit still..but I feel so shitty. I don't have the energy to get up and clear my bed off so I can lay down on it. Ugh..I just..

+curls up+ Why am I starting to feel this way again? Where did I go wrong? Fuck. At least I'm not suicidal...I don't think I'll ever be. I Just think...I need to do certain things, to keep me 'ok.' That makes sense, doesn't it?

Ugh...

Oh yeah..because I'm just that cool..

( Collapse )

Holy fuck..that's it. FINALLY. Stupid long quiz. x.x

Should'a been born on the Milky Way
Don't wanna belong to the world today
Oh, life's a bitch and then you die
Should'a been born on the Milky Way
I can't believe what I heard today
Oh yeah, life's a bitch and then you die!

Bahaha..wow. Good mood. Again. God it's so weird..the way I just kind of...float back in forth from shitty to good. I swear I agree with the docs that I'm bipolar, but meh. Iunno.

I guess I have to sometimes do the 'things that aren't good' to get..back to being good? Heh. I mean..a little of everything in moderation never hurt, right? Plus..I'm in an awesome mood right now..and have been since last night. So yeah. It's all good. It really is. No faking. I like feeling this good. Really like it. Used to be such a..foreign? feeling before. Now it's not..well, it can be..but I mean, I'm sort of more used to it now..and I like it. ^.^ Truly, truly do.

GREEN TEA ROCKS MY FUCKING SOCKS. Heh..I've had like..3 or 4 mugs so far. Yum-ness. I've always loved tea..but this new green tea my mum bought. W00t. It totally, utterly, ENTIRELY rocks my socks. +sips tea+

...waha!...ahaha...hahahaha..+tackles innocent bystander+

Ahem. Anywhos. -.-

+spins+ I was looking through some of my mother's cds in the living room and came across Dawson's Creek. Heh..since everyone knows I'm such a hopeless sap when it comes to anything that's in the slightest bit romantic, it should be known I'm a sucker for that tv drama. x.x Yes, I admit it. Heh. Don't watch it much anymore..not really into tv. When I do watch tv though, and it's on...there's no doubt that I'll flip over to watch trusty old Dawson and Pacey battling for Joey. Tee hee.

Wiz = PatHet!K. xD

Yeah, I'm cool! Spelling 'pathetic' a different way. Booyah. Who's cool now? Oh yeaaah. +cough+ Er..right. -.-

you're an idiot...

Why thank you ^.^

*sigh* liz...*shakes head*....

mmmmyesss, Bertha dear? +grins+

you're truly insane, aren't you?

Well no, not legally. Wahahaha.

mhmm....

Bah shut up. +pulls out voicebox again+ You piss me off too easily. ^.^ I have the pooooower. +dangles voice box+ Oh yeah. I rock. I rock YOUR socks, and yours..oh, and of course yours. Hehe +claps+

OH YEAAAAH!! Who pwns all?!?!?! Oh man I rock so much.

*rolls eyes*...

Oh you watch it there, buster. Ya want me to poke out your EYES next? Baha..oh yeah. What's my name, bitch? What's my fuuucking name.

Heh..so anyways. Yes..as I was saying..about how I rock so damn much.

+cough+

So was on msn to Amy and Shannon, and typing up in here. S'all good. All of a sudden my browser decided to freeze. [Fuuuuck!!] My entire livejournal screen goes blank, and the entire computer freezes except msn. I panic..but then..being the smart, clever, rocking person I am..I went up to the top of the screen and selected 'edit' and then 'select all' WAHAHAHA..and it worked. So I opened up a new browser and copied what I had already written into a new update thing. Oh yeah..that was so good. Shut up, I'm pleased with myself. You should be too. xD

Heh..wow. Weird entry. OOH! Amy's gonna be up in Port Elgin around the same time I'll be up there. Baha..now THAT is too cool. +claps+ I think we're gonna try and arrange a time to meet up. She's staying at the Motel 8 that my Uncle Tim, Aunt Julie and their kids always stay in. Always, always. Wahaha..^.^ and Amy says she always goes to the beach that my grandparents live right by. Showed her a map online of the beach and surrounding area, and explained where my grandparents live. That's just toooooo cool. Yes, I'm excited easily. Fuck you.

Look at zis map. Enlarge it first, oh sped-ish ones that read my blog. Heh..ya, you heard me. ENLARGE IT. +clicks on bottom right corner to enlarge it herself+ Like so. xD

Look at meeee

Wahahaha...see Harbour St everyone? The street running basically parallel to the water, along the coast? The beach is right along there. Nooooow...+points+ see where Green St connects to Harbour? Mhmm...well follow Green up. See Spring St? THATS WHERE MY GRANDPARENTS LIVE. Oh yeah..baha. +claps+ Yes, I found that exciting. Didn't you? WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE, BITCH!

*silently looks at liz*

Oh riiiiight...heh..whoopsie. Sorry, Bertha. +Blushes+ forgot...heh. +gives voicebox back+

YEESH. That's better. God. Thank you. Yes, I must admit..that is cool. Your grandparents live so close to the beach.

Yes, yes they do. Amy and her family go up to Port Elgin for a vacation nearly every summer, and they go to that beach. Bahaha...so yeah, that's cool too. Good old Port Elgin.

Yes, yes..

Eh, shut up. You should be excited. ^.^

...but you're leaving me.

Oh..heh. Right. You can't come to Port Elgin. Poor Bertha.

bitch. *sulks*

Yeah, yeah.

Alllllllrighty. I should go. Heh. Wow I love this song. It's so great..baha. 'Lifes a bitch and then you die! but it's like..happyish and stuff. Great song..great fun-loving song. Yeppers, peppers.

Until we meet again.. +coy smile+

*rolls eyes* Oh, brother. I apologize on Liz's behalf to whom ever reads this.

Shut up, Bertha. :P

*sigh*

I don't want to type up an entry at the moment. Just want to state something, remind myself..

Heh. I'm really glad I've signed up for another lj account. It's entirely private..and no one that I know in real life, knows of it. Good old livejournal.

I knew there was someone else..

No, it's not like that Bertha. Get a life. It's just somewhere that..well..yeah.

mhmm. sure, sure....

Eh. Shut up.

What a stupid title, Liz. You're such a sap.

Oh fuck you, Bertha. What do you know? You're just a stupid blog.

a SMART blog ^.^

mmhmmm....

*snooty snoot snoot*

Ah shit..what's wrong Bertha?

You're leaving me. You BITCH. *sticks nose up in the air*

+sigh+ I've been with you steadily for over a yeaaaar. One week is nothing. NOTHING.

*shifty eyes* Are you sure there's not someone else?..

Yes, Bertha. I am sure.

*scoffs* Fine. Only one week though. ONE WEEK. I'm sure Smithy and Georgie wouldn't abandon Josh and Vicki. Hmpf.

+sigh+ Yes, Bertha..I know..I'm horrible. -.- Need I remind you that I'm going to spend nearly a week up at the cottage my mum rented this summer? Heh..

You're abandoning me again after Port Elgin?!?!

+sigh+ I'll be back. Just think of it as..a holiday. ^.^

I hate you. Fucking hate you.

Uh huh..sorry Bertha. x.x

+sigh. looks around+

Ehhh..what now? What could possibly be wrong with you NOW?

Pfft. Shut up. +curls up+

No. What's wrong, you little weak piece of shit?

You sound like my father. x.x

Why thank you. ^.^

No, you do not want to sound like my father..nor do I want to talk to you if you sound like him..

but......

I'm leaving.