I'm your fairy kitty Queen

Of all the things I have in my life, I keep wishing to have someone to come home to. To be able to scribble on my fb '[insert name] did this for me.' or 'i'm glad [insert name] is in my life.' I know that in time all things will come full circle but God... I feel like it's just not for me. And I'm jealous of everyone who can say they have someone like that. I'm not hating my current life nor am I unhappy with myself. I am learning i'm a bad ass bitch all by myself, i don't need a man to validate me for any reason but... is it stupid that I wish for someone to call my own?

Yeah... It is.

Been sitting here, and realized I'm three kinds of lonely. Three kinds you may ask? Yes, three kinds. The kinds that can only be described and pathetic. At least, I see it as pathetic. I'm moody, I just started my period and I hate men.

Pathetic 1: I miss my mate. The one guy I know that made my life completely okay. That no mater how bad it got, I could call him up or text him or if it was the weekend, go over and curl up on the couch and watch TV with. Maybe I leaned too much, or maybe I was too in my mind, or just maybe, I was too selfish enough to realize that I was hurting him to stop what I was doing till it was too late. Now he's gone and I want him back, again (hah!), and I know this time I can't. It's nt about me and him, it's about his family. And their beliefs, and that I've hurt their kids enough that no, sorry and being better will not cut it. I feel like I lost my family.

I am sad. I cry in my dreams, but I shed no tears. Even now I want to burst into tears but I know that I cannot because the wounds will rip open even though they still bleed as I write.

Pathetic 2: I miss my childhood. THe days before I got this way, before suicide seemed (and still seems) like a good idea when I let myself become so sad. Not now, I can't say that anymore. I'm suicidal, because I will get restrained and put into jail because I want to inflict pain on myself. Even if it is just mentally. I know because my step dad and all his fuckin' 'I know best' told me so. He'd do it and he would tell me 'You brought it on yourself.' Then he'd make sure I got institutionalize and go to all my meetings and tell the doctors how crazy and suicidal I am and I'll shut down because I don't need anyone to point out my defects.

I've been told since I've been younger something's obvious so very wrong with me. Thank you for making sure no matter what I do in life or how much i try to do better, that I still have mental issues and I'm far too stubborn to address them. What you don't get you fucking asshat, is that I'm tired of hearing it and it being shoved at me like a pill. If I'm not well, I'm human. If my mood swings annoy you, you annoy me. I'm not bi-polar, you only think I am because you don't want to admit I might actually just generally despise you. Truly, honestly, without sufficient reason to. I don't need a reason to not like you, I see you and you're I'm better than you attitude and you sicken me. SICKEN. ME.

Pathetic 3: I miss you. You, the one I could always come and talk to. The one that never opened their mouth and said a damn thing. Because you had nothing to say. You are me. I lost me somewhere in all of this and now, I feel like I can't go. Sure, I wish I had a job, a car, a boyfriend, a place to call my own, hell yes, I do. But those things I can obtain whether I am legit or I make my own way. But You, You are a rare gem and I miss you.

You need to come home where you belong, I promise, I am sorry and I will make things right. I messed up, I miss you, I promise nothing but heartache and fights, love and acceptance. You are the person who knows me best and the only one who understands me, who else in this crazy world will take the time to? I'm sorry. But apologies won't fix what happened and all I ask is that you promise me that You will love me always. No matter if we're in this crazy world alone. You're my best friend.

Dear man of my dreams,

I have no idea what you look like or who you will be. But I know I dream about you. AT least once a night in my dreams, I know that you cross my mind and water the belief that you are out there looking for me.

I'm no child so I will not bore you with my long winded ideas of what a man of my dreams should look like. Or how he should act. Or who he could possibly be because frankly, I want to be swept off my feet in the most spontaneous of ways rather than see it coming and sit on a curb, waiting for him to show up in his car and I hope in, waiting to be led away.

He's out there, waiting for me or wishing, hoping we'd meet again. Or perhaps even I met him and in the back of his mind, he's wondering what if. Perhaps he doesn't exist at all or is far far too young for me but I don't mind waiting. I've waited 22 years to finally realize 'hell, i need a license' so believe me, I can wait a while longer for you.

Don't worry if we meet and we're not at all what we expected. I hear that happens a lot. Promise that you'll stop and stare because I know I will. I'll be rough and chaotic, sweet and serene. I will mostly likely run, and I will most likely hurt you. But please, please know that I love you. More than words can say, more than the past and more than my future here on earth.

All I ask is that you know that I love you.

I will always love you.

And I will call you mine forever.

Dear Ten-year-old self.

It sucks not having any friends huh? I know it does. Believe be, it sucks because it doesn't get any better anytime soon. And that's not what you want to hear. You want to hear you become popular, people really like you, your mom leaves your step-dad.. FINALLY and things are back to the way things were. I wish I could tell you that this all happens. I do, I really do wish I could tell you this. But I can't, I would be lying to you, more so than Jared and Brandon and Mike and all the other guys you are talking to online right now.

Jared's going to break your heart. Some kind of bad. Horribly so and you may not make it through it. but you will. because you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Yet you will continue, for what seems like a bit more of an eternity, continue to stalk guys online. You'll meet some serious creeps. Guys who'll ask you for inappropriate pictures and say what they think is appropriate things to you. It's not good and you're wise, you will run away.

Chances are now, you're going to resent people from now on because you are only going to see the bad people in them. But not everyone person is a bad person. I can promise that for you, they aren't. They aren't. There are good people, and you won't see that because they won't present themselves to you till it's far too late. I wish I could tell you that at the age in which I'm writing you all this, twenty-four, that I'm happily involved with a wonderful man who whisked you off your feet. It doesn't happen and I'm sorry. I tried but I won't bore you with those facts.

Let's just say that when you get older, you learn a lot. And you live a lot too. Your heart will be broke and you will feel broken. But you are strong and are capable of taking any and all hits. Don't look at things in such a negative light. You will be better, get better, and someone will... Will sweep you off your feet. Don't you ever think you aren't good enough.

-The older me

I keep my Livejournal a secret from EVERYONE I know. At least offline anyhow. Who wants to read my stuff? And better yet? Who is going to? It's like writing an angry letter that never gets sent. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy spilling my heart out and no one i know (As far as friends and close people) will read and be all "Why'd you say that? Wah wah wah."

I say suck it the fuck up. Someone talked smack about you. And..? They liked you enough to even open their mouth up and talk about you. Grow the fuck up.

"I heard me say, I'm going away
But now I write you every day
Y heard me say, I'm going away
But now I'm on the floor outside your door

You ruin me now."

Seems that I'm stuck in this... rut of trying to get past and I realize I can't. I don't know how, I'm scared I won't get out because I feel as if I've been ruined.

If anyone knows how to get over one, I'd be more than willing to listen. but to this moment, I'm still wondering how I'm suppose to get over this one. I know I tried everything I could and then I bent back some more to make us work.

And we're still over.

So why am I racking the situation time and time again over in my head, hoping to find a reason, a way to get him back. I'm asking for a psychotic break when I do that. He's not cold, he's ice man but with an ice box where his heart should be. Yes, I totally went there and pulled a song from Omario. But Damn does he not tell it to you straight. Feels like I need a drink.

It wasnt my fault, I didn't do it this time. I didn't do it. So why am I the one crying. Bet you'll sleep with some bitch and tell her you love her. Like you told me. Just like you told me. Now I'm the one who's bawling.

Breaking hearts shall come as no surprise, you've broken it already. Sucker punched it clean into pieces, and when I tell you, it's my fault. I did it. And no one will call because everyone is in the right. They won't listen. They never listen. It's all the same, they will judge. I will be talked down apon because I knew better.

Can't anyone be proven wrong? Will they always be right? Will I never have time to be proven wrong? To prove you all wrong, I will be able to love again and find love. He does love me, he loves himself more. So much more.

Breaking hearts use to be a game, then you broke my heart like it was a vase.

You broke my heart and it hurts. So bad. Even now. As I lay here looking at your ring, you broke my heart. Won't think about it because you'll break it again. Bring another female around and you'll break me. Can I break you?

Are you as fragile a psyche as my head spins slowly out of control? Control is for those who know what the hell is going on. Going on behind your back? I'm on my back with someone who isn't you. And again, you have me near tears because I'm tired. Sleepy, need a red bull or a monster.

I'm in love with a monster. His "slave" name is Gabriel, nickname is Gabe. His Name is Wolf and I call him my puppy. Not that he is a puppy, he's old enough to be a Wolf. Not just any Wolf, but fee bound Wolf. I'll Always find you. Don't let me break you.

I thought breaking hearts was just a game, then you broke my heart.