Random Thoughts and Self Reflective Therapy

It's called random thoughts and self reflective therapy, and that is what it is.

I found a letter from Sean when I opened a box of my things in my parents basement.  The letter has invaded my dreams and brought up buried feelings, when someone close to me passes away I usually have been able to get closure with my dreams, saying goodbye to Sean in my dreams was just as unclear as my relationship in the dream I received a letter reminding me to take care of myself. Tonight I reviewed e-mails that we had written to each other while I was in college, slipped in were e-mails from other lovers, it made me realize how lost I have become.

there was a time when I had a network of friends people that made up my social group and while I have never been a extremely social person I had people that cared about me, my family/friends, I had a lover that supported me like a best friend, while we struggled as lovers he cared about me, he checked in on me we would talk when I just needed someone to talk to, he was there and I didn't feel so lonely, I felt lovable and he was a piece of my network.  I used to have a best friend D she had a way of calling me to do something just when I needed it, we didn't always see eye to eye but for the most part I never felt that she was judging me.  There were roommates and workmates that provided me support.

Somehow I lost my network this past year, I relied on casual friendships, casual social gathering and casual work conversations, to get me through the year. I have/had no one to have a heart to heart with, no one who knows me, no one that knows/cares about how withdrawn I have become.

My negative thought distortions taking over my reality I don't deserve friendships, people are too busy, I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I am too negative, they didn't really want to be my friend in the first place, I am too exhausting a friend, they are going to find out that I don't deserve, friendships, love etc

I know that I can't look back on what was, but I really wish I wasn't so lost, so worried, so alone and lonely.

Today I put an end to the Sean chapter in my life.

I met Sean April 20 1999 (I actually met him a couple of days earlier but this is a date of remembrance), he was a friend of someone on my floor in college I had given him a ride up from NYC and at the end of the long weekend he found himself in my room for the night.  I don't remember the details of our night together but he ended up staying another night and went home on tuesday.  I sent him home on a bus never to speak to him again.  But when he arrived home he called me, we spoke nightly and saw each other often until the school year ended.  We spoke infrequently throughout my senior year and eventually he ended up moving to San Francisco.  I remember after graduation talking with a friend that had also moved to the bay area and we hatched a plan to get me out to SF so I could see Sean again.  I fell in love with the bay area, and near the end of my trip Sean and I were able to see each other again.  I returned to NY and worked at a summer camp, near the end of the summer Sean also ended up back in NY and we spent the weekend at my family place in NY again confirming an oddly platonic romantic love.  I worked for a year in NY and in April I ventured out to the bay area.  I again confirmed my love for California and without the distraction of my confusing platonic relationship I realized that I was hooked. On my last day I sent Sean an e-mail but when I heard back I was at a loss for what to say.  He was moving to San Diego to clean up.  That is the last that I heard from Sean, he was totally MIA, for years I wondered if I would run into him in SF, I worried that he passed away and with nothing more than our own memories no one would know what he had meant to me, no one would know that I would want to know of his passing.  A friendster account had no leads, Myspace was also a bust.  I would google his name and obituaries for California with no success.

One day in 2009 I got a friend request with the simple words, remember me?  My heart jumped we talked nightly for weeks then once a week for a month and slowly once a month for a year.  He had moved to TN and now had a daughter, but he had plans he was going to come to SF we were going to see each other again, I loved his passion his enthusiasm I loved his honesty, I loved that he spoke of hope when life had been so shitty to him.  I vowed to live my life with the positivity that he inspired in me.  In December 2010 he married the mother of his child and ten months later they had another daughter.  Our communications decreased but I held onto the influence that he had on me.

On September 17th 2013 Sean passed away in his sleep.  I found out about his passing a week after because of FB, which I find incredibly fitting because I had joined FB with the purpose of finding him.  I feel that I mourned Sean several years ago during the time that he was missing from my life, and the time since our reunion was simply borrowed time. I am saddened that I will no longer be able to talk to him, and sad that I never felt secure enough in myself to tell him you matter to me.  I was always confusing him professing his love as something more than it was.

Good bye Sean my earth angel you will missed.  

Look forward to getting back to CA.  

Doctor called she is going to try one last outpaitant surgery before hysterectomy. Hoping for success :-)

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

 

I had a good thanksgiving.  A wonderful amount of family, a simple but good hike.  


Now I am back, and I must return the dreaded phone call.  I wish this would just go away, just when I feel I have a handle on my sadness and my life, I am reminded that I don't have control of everything and while I wish I didn't have to go to the DR, go through the emotions that this series of appointments cause, this is a reality and I need to take care of myself.  But may I once again protest "THIS IS NOT FAIR" 

 oops I didn't mean for that last one to be public :-( 

It has been awhile since I have posted.

Maybe that is a testament to my good mental health?

The year has been crazy, I use the analogy of drowning. All year I have been trying to keep above the surface, it has been difficult, and I feel like I could barely breath. Weekends served as a deep breath before sinking again, I was mostly a zombie unable to function and I slept a lot. I worked hard to maintain relationships that slipped away, I am now left with periphery friends, but no one to bare my soul to. I avoided conflict or bad news by burying my head in the sand and life marched on. I have attempted to start a new friendship with old acquaintances but feel pulled away by stepping outside my comfort zone and not having stable enough ground to stand on..yet. I have tried to get healthy but I have been frustrated with the results, not being totally willing to surrender to a new lifestyle.

So, what has brought me here today? A bad day, on the same day that I got a phone call from my doctor asking to schedule the first in a series of appointments that have the effect of being heart breaking, mind f'ing and the inevitable deep depression. I also said good bye to one of my best friends at work. And was greeted by a FB message that made me feel sad, it was just a check in, but having deleted my ex as a friend I had been able to remain blissfully ignorant of the untruths that I was peddled. I don't know that the third thing would have had as much of an effect if the first thing hadn't happened. It just made me remember/be aware of the time when he said that he wanted to be there for me as I was going through this medical problem. but alas

"I want to be able to tell you that I can be one of those people. I also know that looking at me and what I am doing and where I am at the moment ... I don't feel that I can live up to what I might want"... and with that poof not his problem anymore.

My plan? Tomorrow I will call the Dr, I will schedule the appointment, I will wait anxiously for the results, hope for the best, expect the middle, pray that it hasn't gotten worse.

thinking about the past.
I miss my "friend".
wish i hadn't been disposable to him