estriel

YouTube threw a video of Johnny Weir's "King of Chess" SP from the 2007 US Nationals and it made me all nostalgic. Also, I've been drinking wine and listening to Placebo's live performances from 10+ years ago (I had a dream with Brian Molko in it last night). And thus I give you Evan/Johnny fanfiction, like it's 2006. Or more like a ficlet, it has 333 words.
(Check out Evan's Instagram, by the way. So boring.)

Decade
(Evan Lysacek/Johnny Weir, 333 words, PG-13)
Disclaimer: This is fiction. Completely made up.

( Evan loves his life.Collapse )

It's been forever since I posted anything and I think the last things I posted were pretty depressing. Well, the good news is, life is okay now, though 2016 definitely wasn't my year.

Either way, all I really want to talk about is figure skating these days. I'm sick at home at the moment, so I've been watching a lot of skating.

First, watching Yuzuru Hanyu skate to "The Swan" (albeit a different version) is like coming full circle in the most wonderful of ways for me.



It was Johnny Weir's "The Swan" that got me (back) into skating and it's been a wonderful ride. I'm still in love with this sport, both as a spectator and as a skater. As a spectator, it's fantastic to see that we're finally starting to see some proper choreography in Men's skating again. I mean, somewhere between the Olympics in Torino and Vancouver, it became all about the quad. It was new, everyone was trying to put it into their program, many of them were failing spectacularly... it was just like skating from jump to jump, with very little attention to transitions, interpretation and choreo. Now the quad itself doesn't cut it anymore (I mean, Hanyu sticks four of them in his free skate), so the competition is more about all the OTHER things again. Adam Rippon's choreography this year is outstanding (and I am so sad because I thought I was going to see it live in Zagreb, but then he went and qualified for the Grand Prix Final, which is at the same time, so no Rippon for me), Yuzuru always brings it, Super-Javi is always so entertaining (though he's not really my kind of skater) and all these boys that Jeffrey Buttle choreographs for just slay. It makes me so happy!

Also, is anyone else watching "Yuri on Ice"? I'm afraid it's become my new guilty pleasure. It is so ridiculous, but who am I to say no to gay figure skating anime boys?

I guess some obsessions stick with you for life. I'm thinking figure skating is going to be one of those.

I have not really been writing about what has been going on with me in the last three months, from approximately mid-November.

Insomnia. Anxiety. Depression. A brief period of respite after I got anti-depressants (Trittico) and mentally relaxed enough to start sleeping and feeling like a person again. Then I had one bad night, followed by worrying about sleep, followed by another bad night. And since then I've been suffering almost non-stop.

The good thing: I now fall asleep in the evenings and stay asleep for a few hours. I've been waking up around 4, or possibly earlier. I don't like looking at the clock. Last night was a new low, I was awake before 2AM. At 3 I took a sleeping pill, worried about how I'd be able to go to work if I didn't sleep.

The psychiatrist I went to - who I by the way think is horrible - prescribed more medication (Asentra, which is a generic drug for Zoloft). I am hesitant about taking those on top of the ones I have. I hear it worsens the state, albeit temporarily, and I am afraid of that. I'm seeing another psychiatrist, privately, whom I trust, but not until 3 weeks from now.

I get into fights with the wife because a part of me just craves reassurance and affirmation, which she cannot really offer under pressure. I'm afraid of being rejected and abandoned, even though there is no rational evidence for it. I feel guilty.

I want somebody to help me so badly, but I realize that I have to help myself. I feel like I could cope with the anxiety if I could sleep and I feel I could sleep if I could get the anxiety in check.

Psychotherapy. Psychology sessions. I am exhausted emotionally. I am learning autogenic training and doing breathing exercises and mindfulness meditation. I'm trying to stay afloat. I try to distract myself. Sometimes I do better, sometimes I do worse. I rationalize with myself, trying to keep the negative thoughts from growing in my head. I counter them with arguments and positive thoughts. I'm trying to still DO things. I've cut down on skating because the schedule doesn't work for me and I was simply too physically exhausted. I go out for walks. I have lunch with my co-workers. I meet up with friends.

I ask myself: how much longer? how much longer?!

I guess you can't imagine how horrible it is to not sleep unless you've experienced it? It's debilitating. Sometimes bordering on unbearable. This is the single hardest thing I've been through in my life. Sometimes I feel like there is no escape, but then I remind myself that I AM DOING THINGS TO HELP MYSELF. Slowly. So fucking slowly.

Sometimes I think of taking time off work, being on sick leave for a while, to take that pressure off at least, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea, considering that I might just brood more.

I doubt myself all the time, but I have to believe that I will get through this. I try to catch myself all the time. Don't let the negativity grow an fester. Just keep swimming.

So, um, I might have a bit of a girlcrush on Miley Cyrus?
I mean, that voice in some of her acoustic recordings. Like here:



Also - there should be Miley Cyrus/Ariana Grande fanfic. (I'm sure there is, I just haven't googled it yet.)

This season I'm actually watching figure skating as it happens.
( A long, spoilery rant on Cup of Russia/Rostelecom Cup, TEB, the state of Ladies' skating, Adam Rippon's layback spins and the horrors of sharing ice with ice dancersCollapse )

I have a plea! Recommend me some fic?

I've been craving some good Harry/Draco. And by good I mean amazingly written. The kind that gives you all the feels.

I'll be delighted if any of the following were included (and yes, I am aware that this is a very random list):
• Draco in Muggle shirts (you know, sleeves rolled up to show his forearms, flaunting that Dark Mark! somehow I have such a love for Draco's pale forearms ♥)
• Powerful!Harry (who does wandless magic like it's nothing)
• Seer!Draco or Veela!Draco
• forced bonding
• flying
• a slightly darker, more somber Harry (because come on, how could he not be after all that he's been through!)
• proud!Draco, you know, the too-proud-for-his-own-good kind

Not Hogwarts-era or 8th year, preferably not chaptered, no fluff, no PWP, no established-relationship fic and absolutely no mpreg. (Not in the mood for these things right now. Never in the mood for mpreg.) I'm fine with everything and anything but hardcore BDSM and rape!fic.

Anyone, please?

A lot has happened since my last post.

First and foremost, M and I got engaged just before my 30th birthday.

We were still in our PJs, in bed, having one of those silly conversations we always have. She asks if I'm going to marry her and I say of course I'm going to marry you. Obviously I assumed that she's only teasing as per usual (it's been a "joke" for a while between the two of us... except not really a joke per se, because while it was always a silly debate, it was also meant seriously). Well, then she asks "are you really going to marry me?" and whips out a box with a diamond ring, which she had hidden under the bed somewhere.

Well, obviously I said Yes! ♥

The ring she gave me is stunning, I love to look at it every day (it sparkles like whoa!):



It's going to be a very crazy life we're going to spend together.

As for when and where the wedding is going to be - we don't know yet. ( In other words, legislation gets in our way.Collapse )

In less happy news, my brother had a spine injury back in March while snowboarding. He literally broke a vertebrae, was rushed off the slope into surgery... The good news is that he can walk. The not so good news is that he doesn't feel all of his shins and feet the way he should yet and mostly that the nerves leading to his bladder have been damaged (not irreparably, hopefully) - he's not peeing himself, so it could be worse, but it's not a pleasant situation either. My mother is of course stressing herself out over this.

I participated in the annual drabble-writing-month challenge in April - some of what I produced was good, some was very disappointing and sub-par, some days I even skipped. I surprised myself by writing much more H/D fanfic than I thought I would - clearly my OTP is here to stay. I still need to post some of the drabbles to my writing journal and the fanfic ones here.

Other than that... the wife and I traveled to Barcelona (La Sagrada Familia blew our minds), she bought a car, we changed the plans for our summer vacation due to my brother's injury (no USA road-trip thingy for us), I turned 30 and survived (but started applying the wife's new anti-aging serum)... the weather feels like summer and I'm loving it (I even swam in the Adriatic sea for the first time this weekend!), though it's supposed to turn sour tomorrow.

Years later and Johnny Weir still delivers.

This just showed up on his official Instagram:



I quote: Man Crush Thursday as I couldn't find a great throwback! Adrien Brody, Andy Samberg, Pablo Schreiber, Evan Lysacek.

Johnny Weir has a man crush on Evan Lysacek. Basically, my figure skating OTP is real! (well, kinda)

How awesome is this?! Somebody write me fic or else I'll have to do it myself.

Also, should you require more entertainment/inspiration: a couple days ago, Johnny posted a status which he later deleted. It read something along the lines of it's been a year since I've had sex. Time to get back on the horse!

So frustrating… In November, me and one other girl who had just joined the skating club started talking to our coach(es) about putting together a program to compete in the spring. It kept getting postponed and postponed. The competitions has been pushed forward 1 week, so it is now taking place between March 7th and 8th. Do you think I have a program yet? Of course not.
( The whole storyCollapse )

I wasn't sure where to share this, but I needed to share this somewhere:



- from Alekina's tumblr (click for a larger version and look at her other fanart, too!)

It's one of the most amazingly gorgeous pieces of H/D artwork I've seen in a long time. I mean, look at Draco's ass and thighs wand arm, the tension in his posture, the vest and the way just a sliver of his shirt is peeking out from under it. Look at the look of concentration on Harry's face and the delicate way he holds his wand. It's got a bit of dark!Harry feel about it, actually. (I keep being distracted by Draco's pants, though. The way they're clingy and just a little bit shiny.

So gorgeous.