[journal of erictron]

we are in the kitchen together. I love you I want to give you everything. come stand in the kitchen while I cook for you. no you cannot help cook. this is an act of love. I am making you dinner. I am giving you food because I cannot give you my heart because I cannot give you the world. come sit at the counter and tell me stories while I chop vegetables. I care about you. I care I care. I am making us something to eat. food is love. it is special. deliberate. we are in my kitchen together and I love you

Laconic. The word for such statements is "Laconic." Relating to laconia, of which Sparta is its captial. Spartans apparently had a reputation for short, witt responses.

Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they're presented with evidence that disproves that belief, they become angry, hostile. It creates this feeling that's very uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. You can see that in the way they respond. Screenshot it. You might have a recollection of a response that's alltogther untrue.

It's 8:54 am right now, and I'm writing this from sparkling hills. I just saw a pretty good sunset. I have photos to edit. I can see people walk back and forth to the austrian restaurant, we got a unit on the ground floor, so we have this deck. The room is spacious but strange. They have this room that's the perfect temperature. At the cusp of the room, where all the lines meet, you can see a worker drilled in three holes with lugnuts to match. Not four, that would be congruent. Three, so it doesn't match.

Which brings me to my next qunadry - i don't remeber a thing i dreamed last night. The colour of anything. The tenebrous custard of clouds, the water theat fell in shapes from the cedar trees.Which is to say, there could have been colour, but perhaps I hadn't noticed it because there is nothing in this world that can satisfy me. Not foot, not love, and not this epicurean kink involving both her and I in this and all I can manage is to feel a little sad.

We're in the foster of trains, but it is beautiful now. That sound. The immensity and inevitability of everything that is too easy to be forgotten, as if what satifies me only has value.

Love, it is cold out there, I repeat to myself over the endless winter (not without its charm, for those who find it charming, and I am not one, hovering beside the thermostat with a safecrackers impentrable intent) and that's not what I mean but I might say it, if you asked.

This is to say a breakdown of the year, though I find myself hopeless optimisitic. Which is my pill, hot crazy narcassits and doing my best to see everything in the best light. Past two yearly selfies were too dark, so optimistic in spirit, not body. which seemed almst poetic. Applatchian for brushing things aside.

I got a little older, I'm 40. It sounds horrifying to a man in his 30's, but elation to a man in his 50's. I had someone to share it with, and someone to wish I shared it with. My mother texted me and told me she loved me as I can't remember my own birth but she says it was hard. Thank you for that. I am indebted, despite what ditzy french philosophers would context. Athiesm takes away your gratiitude in that way, but I'm not an athiest and I am grateful.

I've owned the house for a little over a year, but I could have bought it ten years. I'm not great at decisions. Growing a bear, and died my hair black. Watch Michael Knowles and try not to waste my life.

I used to pick the scabs off my skin because I couldn’t stand to see physical proof of my own body taking care of me. I used to hate it and hate it and hate it and all it ever did was love me.

Why is that?

I’m sorry for what I did to you, what I thought, and still think sometimes.
I love you back.
I am trying.

Love makes the strong soft

and the soft strong

I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

I listened to a podcast where they were describing suicide notes. Sanctimonious bullshit, self victimizing misled people who think they've found an audience. As if anyone is anything short of sick of reading these rambling 6 page letters talking about how much love the "victim" has to for her family.

So that's what this is. If you're going to read this, don't bother. It's six pages of sanctimonious bullshit. It's about how much you can miss someone, and how you still find a way to show up to work with a smile and hug the ones you love.

October 14th. I had sent you a friend request, but you didn't accept it. There's something about me that riles you up, as desperate as we were to make it work. I’m always soft for you, that’s the problem. You could come knocking on my door five years from now and I would open my arms wider and say "come here, it’s been too long, it never felt like home with you."

And so, I will continue to miss you in soft silence. You will continue to believe there is nothing left to be missed.

It was a strange year. I went months without drinking. My life fell back into order, but the strangest thing is I noticed I got smarter. Like, I was just smarter than I was when I didn't drink. Who knows what I missed. Then I drank a bunch and was stupid again. I went to the gym 5 days a week for nearly two years. That was impressive too. And God knows, I bought a house! This little unit, it's mine. Well, mine and my brothers. Can you imagine that? I was so stuck for so long, just waiting for the prices to fall, then my landlord decides to sell at the most inconvenient time. But we figured it out. It took six months of shuffling papers back and forth and talking to my morgage guy, but God took care of us just like he always does.

I'm getting lots of work. It's difficult, when I get work I tend to overwork myself and forget friends. Or procrastinate all morning, then work all evening. Again, forgetting friends. But financially, I'm in a good spot. I do wish I was more social though. Friends are reaching out because they're good. And maybe worried. You stayed inside most evenings.

It feels like a curse, to finally be falling for someone new only to realize I’m just captivated the pieces of you I find their eyes.

There's so many little things about you. How you managed to cook with almost nothing in my guy-kitchen. The way you smiled so hard and your eyes closed. How I always managed to blow you away, leaving plants that ended up all over your parents house, those little gifts I'd tuck away in your luggage. How you are still my number one fan, reading these long and fucking evusive diatribes.  You fall in love with the little things about someone, like the sound of their laughter and the way their smile forms.

You like my poetry. My poetry is shit.

I didn’t know what to call it, what was happening between us, but I liked it. It felt silly and fragile and good.

You're back home now, on the other side of Canada. There's friends who are happy to see you, a husband who is so overjoyed to have you back, despite your frequent fights. They share your values, and you have no reason to get angry at them for being non-commital on what to think about covid and george floyd.

And I realize, I know I love you far more than you love me.
.

I missed you in a small way. Tiny enough to fold up and put in my pocket, and carry that loneliness with me everywhere I went. I’d forget all about you, until my hand accidentally brushed against that slip of memory.

When I say, I love you, it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.

Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But not as hard as watching you not wanting me for all that time.

I still make eggs for breakfast. WIth bread, because I started that with you. I drink my coffee, and I listen to podcasts. I drive out there somewhere to take beautiful photos and meet people who are happy to meet me. I lumber from village to village, my steps causing earthquakes, cluching the missing part of my chest, people pretend not to stare. What an awkward moment, for them to notice me like that. We would both be wise to do our best to avoid such a social fopa.

I really love touching. It doesn’t always have to be in a sexual way, it could be like you sitting next to me and our knees touching a little or you putting your hand on my mine, little things like that mean so much to me and I crave it, all the fucking time, it drives me insane.

It's okay if I'm not your favourite chapter you have written, but I hope you sometimes smile when you flip back to the pages I was still a part of.

Plans change sometimes, but a wedding is still a special time. Although we changed our plans, bringing the guest list down to 8, we still managed to have a very special day, and I felt very honoured to be included in it.

We start out by the lake. I found a texture for ring shots, so I got to work. This is an engagement and wedding ring fused together.

Our plan was to conduct the ceremony at the end of a long dock. The guests could wait on the shore, and watch from there.

Upstairs, our bride and her mother were fitting the veil.

Downstairs, everyone was gathered and ready for her to walk down the stairs toward the dock

.

The ceremony was lovely. A cool breeze kept the sun’s heat at bay, and the vows were beautiful.

Then, off for my favourite time – time for just the three of us to take pictures. The sun was out, with clouds cover diffusing the light every few minutes. That gives me a chance to get more variety in my photos – I like some dark, and some light, some close, and some far, and some candids, with some classic compositions.

Of course, I had to include this.

Back at the house, a few family members gathered on the beach. We observed social distancing from everyone except our significant others. It was really special, watching the sunset by the lake.

That’s where I’ll have to leave you today. It was a different day than we planned – but it was special in its own way. Thank you for going on this journey with us!

Thank you for reading this far! Stay tuned for quite the gallery in a few weeks! Follow me on Instagram or facebook to see edits and more sneak peeks in my stories!

As with many weddings, we were facing a postponement – with the current regulations in place, there was no way the ceremony could go forward. In this case, several couples are opting to split up their wedding, which I’m more than happy to do.

The wedding took place in Lake Country, down by Carr’s Landing. There’s a hidden gem out there, a breakwater and a dock. Choosing a location was somewhat difficult – we had to get a dock ready that would be big enough for the social distancing measures. 2 Metres, or about six feet is recommended, so that’s what we all did.

The ceremony was beautiful. Both of them had handwritten vows. We laughed and cried, there was a lot of humour and laughter, stilted though by the sincerity of it all.

Then, one of my favourite times. Social distancing family photos!

Then, some formals with just these two. The weather was really something. It went from rain to clear blue skies in about an hour. This worked out just great for me – I prefer a range of colours and styles. We began with a more dramatic style, highlighting the distance between the two of them.

After this, we made our way to a park up the street. The sun had come out, which made portraits a little easier. For a good portrait, I like to do a close up, focussing on the eyes, and then a wider portrait that shows off the full details. But first, the rescue pup and kitty!

And then, some more photos together to finish everything off.

This is where I’ll leave you, though! Thank you so much for reading this far. if you’d like to stay updated, feel free to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr for frequent updates. Talk to you all in a few days!

As you can imagine, this wedding takes place in a little chapel out in Coldstream Meadows. Tall stained glass and old church pews added to the overall feeling of this sampler, this sampler I can’t wait to share.

I jumped right into the thick of it. Vows typed out in the smallest font, and a groom very excited to see his bride. And a little nervous.

His dear mother, she was glowing though.

And onward with the procession.

One of my favourite kiss shots, in that old church on January 25th, 2020.

The ceremony was as heartfelt as you can imagine, Between the vows, rings, and admissions, there was not dry eye in the house.

Always go for the fistbump.

Next, after a group shot, family photos with these little rascals!

It’s always fun to mix up serious and candid shots. So many times, it’s the candids that make it to print! However, this was time for a few formals. I took a few more in the church, and we were on our way.

For this series, I was specifically very careful about my colour. We had a lot of control over the light as well – only a single light source! The personality of the church interested me as well – there was this vintage my-parents-at-the-drive-in sort of feel. It’s hard to explain. Classic and classy all at the same time.

Because the sun sets at 4:30, we hurried to a nearby park for some photos. The snow was deep, about a foot and a half! Like the true Canadians we are, we stomped on through it.

Unfortunately, that’s where I’ll have to leave you. This is just a sampler, a sneak peek of the photos from yesterday. The full album will be ready in a few weeks. And it will be incredible. A few photos from the reception, one or two from the first dance, and a little of fun little moments.

If you’d like to save any of these photos, simply long press on them on your cell phone, or right click on them on your computer. Then select, “Open in new tab” – you’ll be able to save from there.

Lastly, if you’d like to stay updated, feel free to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr for frequent updates. Talk to you all in a few days!

We had our choice of cover images for this Calgary Wedding. That’s my personal favourite, but it was very tough to choose.

We start on a foggy morning in December. Unusually foggy, it actually held up the entire day. I’ve never had that happen before, so prepare for some unique photos in this massive 46 photo sampler.

As always, we begin with our details – in this case, the dress and the rings. I’m especially in love with the bokeh.

I had some help putting together the dress photos.

Downstairs, a cat wandered around. Our groom was ready to go.

Upstairs, the girls were busy applying the finishing touches to the dress.

I always find the few moments after everything comes together completely breathtaking.

We were on our way to Devonian Gardens. It’s part park, part greenhouse and absolutely gorgeous.

The look on his face though….

The ceremony was beautiful. Hand written vows, and so many tears. It was such a special moment.

After the binding, they were man and wife. You could feel the excitement in the room.

Then, my favourite time. I get some of the time from the new couple to put something together that’s really incredible.

We had access to the entire gardens, so we took full advantage. It’s like a mix between a greenhouse and a forest.

Then, outside for some more forest photos. This was a unique wedding for many reasons, foremost the time. The sun sets earlier in the winter, so we have a wider spectrum of photo styles. In one hour, we can go from bright and airy to darker.

Somehow, the fog had lasted throughout the day. It gave the photos a surreal feel.

And just like that, evening came. I’ve never seen the calgary towers look this way. We made our way to a nearby viewpoint, right above the city skyline.

It was perfect. In a summer wedding, you have to wait past nine to get photos like these. They were right there for us on that day. The yellows and the blues gave me some lovely complimentary colour. It reflected the feeling of the day so well.

Unfortunately, that’s where I’ll have to leave you. This is just a sampler, a sneak peek of the photos from Saturday. The full album will be ready in about three weeks. And it will be incredible.

If you’d like to save any of these photos, simply long press on them on your cell phone, or right click on them on your computer. Then select, “Open in new tab” – you’ll be able to save from there.

Lastly, if you’d like to stay updated, feel free to follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr for frequent updates. Talk to you all in a few days!