you know, I'm really glad I have this auxiliary backup journal for emergencies, because it's really handy to look back and compare the stupid things I've done before to the stupid things I'm doing now, and I can also remember what I did in the past, which was to not think about things and watch the simpsons. So that's what I'm doing now. Anyway, I've designated tonight as my "I'm not going to sleep tonight" night. I don't really have a reason. Also, I've found that reading this thing is funny, because everything I write in this thing seems hilarious in retrospect. Well, back to my Wu Wei
I think Im going through another angry phase. I just got more and more frustrated the whole day and the only thing I could find to destroy was the strign of month old balloons hanging from ms rubles door. I yelled at mr berry today before I saw who he was, then I felt really bad because hes one of the few teachers for whom I have genuine respect. Ive figured out that I dont handle crisis well and this probably qualifies as one. arg. My frustration at human nature knows no bounds.
my soul had had a lot of inner workings lately, and I havent even been writing them down, what a slacker I am. I just looked at this journal for the first time in forever and its really fun because it only gets written in every other month, so its mad easy to just scroll down and watch my phases go backwards. wiiieeeeerd
christmas has passed without much event. I managed to pull through with minimal participation in the frenzied consumerism, especially since I didnt actually buy my gifts. I made them all, so consequently I couldnt give very many, so not many people really got anything from me, but it's not because I hate your guts, I promise. It is now boxing day, and I must now finish all aspects of my college applications within the next few weeks, so I'm massively envious of the people who had the work ethic to get theirs done early. I need to escape and be social sometime this week, but im not positive that Im not too lazy to. Weee'll see. Now I seriously need to get started
I've decided that the secret to happiness, for right now at least, is watching the simpsons while avoiding doing things that I'm supposed to be doing, like applying for college, and working on my portfolio. But I rationalize that it's my break, I still have plenty of time to work on my applications, and Ill still have a week to pull together my portfolio after break is over (and im going to work on it later today). mmm, thats good rationalization. The problems I had are still there, but ive found that I dont care as much about them today. simpsons is my ultimate placebo. I like thinking about art. And also doing art. I want to see you all.
just minutes ago, I was presented a choice. Not in the form of a question, or any of those kind of choices. Simply a story. Never mind the content, the choice presented was whether to regress to my familiar state of paranoia, suspicion of the people I surround myself with, and fear of being struck from behind. Or to leave it behind. Old habits die hard, so i wont deny I spent a good minute or two mulling everything over and attempting to decide on an appropriate course of action. But I didn't. After that one minute of uncertainty I made my choice. To trust. It's been a while since Ive done this, and my list of trustables is not very long. Really, I can see why people would do this. It's easier, and I feel better about being trusting than being a paranoid delusional. I'm too tired to wonder if it means anything, so I'm satisfied to say that it is good. I like being cryptic. Am I being cryptic, or can you see through me like some kind of window? I wasnt really paying enough attention to know. And i like comparing myself to a window.
Post Script : It just ocurred to me that this entry was entirely pointless, because not only was I mercilessly vague, no one who can actually see this will know or care what the crap it is about. It's like talking to yourself only im a dork
Im still not really sure where I stand on this whole life thing right now, i think im currently on the more positive side of ok. I love how every time I think I know what I'm doing, it's a sure sign that I have no idea what's going on
mildly content