One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for
one of those Barbie 's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater
Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken 's Car, Ken 's House, Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain
made with Ken 's balls.
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the
car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems
to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and simply say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started .
Newfoundlanders had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that Len's father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.
So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Len's eyes and said, "Because, ya dumb arse, yur faudder, grandfaudder and great grandfaudder wuz born in January, you wuz born in July."
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking
proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over: "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says: "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells: "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies: "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought
a hat."
A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!
