check the blood to reveil the chaos

so for the past few hours i have sat here and read my old entries and comments and such. it reminds me of what i have come to realize over the past few years. it wasn't as bad as you thought it was then. there's been a lot of things that have happened since high school, and here i thought i had a boring life. i don't really think however i should've read those entries. something doesn't feel right now. althought it didn't depress me, actually, some of it made me laugh or smile. i guess i just have to remember that you shouldn't be sad that some part of your life is over, you should smile because it happened. no, it's not that easy, but really, it is possible. i mean, yeah, i am still a lil upste about not being able to be close to some people anymore, but reading these entries makes me remember how much fun i had when they were in my life. i'm not saying my life sucks now or anything, actually it kinda just got a lil better in the past few hours. but what i am saying is that i miss things. i miss driving around in my oldsmobile, i miss sylvan beach, i miss rockchester visits, i miss shows, i miss soundgarden, i miss camden, i miss swimming, i miss having a good birthday, i miss movies, i miss songs, i miss people....

no matter how many mistakes i make however, i can't make any of them go away. i may hate myself forever, or someone might hate me forever, but i can't change that. i'm working on letting things go. i have to now. too many other things to do. so why should i let mistakes make me feel like i'm a bad person? even good people make mistakes. if you can't forgive me then i'm sorry. but i will never be the one to not forgive anyone. it's like the whole "golden rule" thing...you know you've made mistakes, do you think that you should pay forever? then why would you hold something against someone else forever? are we not all human? do we not all error? i've been thinking about why it is that no matter how angry i get at some people i always can just back down within minutes or hours of things. i think i figured it out. how can i hold something against someone, when i have done something similar, worse, or wanted to. just because someone's annoying doesn't make it so you have the right to hate them for it. you might be annoying to someone else at some point. do you want them hating you? i guess it's just pointless however, to even say these things. if anyone does read this, they either already know, or won't listen. we let our anger blind us so much sometimes, we lose sight of the things that make us who we are ourselves.


but i guess this is just what i have decided lately. i can either hate myself forever because i made one mistake, or be happy because the consequence is something that i can hold onto for the rest of my life and remember my own life inside of. i don't think mistakes were meant to create hate, disapointment, or hurt. i think they were created to show us that while no one is the same, in ways, we are. i think the sooner we all get over what we can't change, the sooner we move on and accept ourselves through other people's eyes as well as our own. (and yes that is important...only looking at yourself creates a selfish mind) however, i think that if you hold my child against me, then you should think of this. it is not i that you are hurting with your words and anger of my life, it is yourself. you only hurt yourself when you blind your eyes through a closed mind. i don't think of her as a mistake. i think of her as life's way of saying, "this is what you need to do now. take her and make a life for you both. show the world the other side of the picture." you can only better the world through open eyes and open mind. so if you hate me for being who i am, then i can't change that, but if you can accept me for what you see and sometimes what you do not, then i've been here a long time. and no longer am i alone.

once i thought nothing could hurt me. that no matter what i'd be okay. but now i have faced what life can really throw at you. i have looked myself in the eyes and realized that i am not invincible. i am only human. i can be broken. but i am not alone. instead of looking behind me i have to rememeber to turn around before the other car slams into me head on. i have to learn how to not care...and just incase you don't know what i mean...





my give-a-damn's busted.

if by any chance you are watching vh1 someday and you see someone who looks just like me singing with a kid who looks just like my friend justin in a ford explorer...guess what, it is me...and if i said anything you find really offensive, i apologise now...


worst day ever.

i have never felt so many things at one time...or so much. i feel stupid, i feel hurt, i feel alone, i feel pain, i feel anger, i feel so much...and i know it's my fault but why can't i fix this? i spend all the time fixing everyone elses lives and they end up happy and i can't fix my own and i can't be happy...this just doesn't seem right to me. and three-fold and karma are bullshit. i don't wanna hear that because i hurt him he gets to hurt me (eventhough it's not his fault anyway). and i dont wanna go back and i dont wanna make it go away, i just wanna start over. how can you just give up on your other half? i did because i was obviously the stupidest person alive. YOU HEAR ME?!?! I WAS STUPID!!! I AM STUPID! I AM THE WORST PERSON THAT EVER LIVED AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!!! except i'm sorry and i love you. that i know. i knew it all along. and now i can't do anything but sit back and watch me be replaced and watch myself fall to pieces. cause i'm not me without you. i cant be me without you. and i swore i'd wait forever if i have to and i will. but i still believe in us and i still believe true love never dies. and i'm not going to make any more stupid mistakes. but i am never ever giving up. i'll always love you, i'll always be in love with you, and i will always be here waiting.




12-20-99...i still have my dreams, won't someone make them eternal

without you, without you everything falls apart, without you, it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces </3 how could i have ever been so stupid to let everything fall apart this way? how could i not see how it was meant to be?

everyone needs to just gang up and kill me...okay well we got the first part down now why can't anyone just finsh it?

Well well well, the old fashioned 17th century
vampire, one of my faves. You look for the good
things in life, you posses a lot of classical
class, and follow that of the original
vampires, you have no shame in what you are,
infact you embrace it, you love it and wouldn't
have it any other way. Your wealth is
unspeakable and your way of luring people with
your mystical ways and looks is amazing, and
most people would often call you The
Seductress. Please rate this quiz!


What Kind Of Vampire Would You Be. (New And Improved, With COOL Pics!!!) FOR GIRLS ONLY!!!!
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i feel bad...



but he makes me so happy <3

yeah okay, it happened...after 5 years, there is no more "jeff and jackie"...yeah i know it's weird, it's weird to me too, especially today...first valentines day in 6 years we aren't together...and somehow i have realize that theres someone else to spend today with...but i know where my mind will be wondering...but sometimes, things change...


i know i pick the best days to do shit since this has been over for like 2-3 weeks but hey it's when i get around to it ya know?

i have spent the last week sick as fuck...i think i'm done now please :(


i hate being sick and having nothing to do because first of all, all you can do is focus on the pain and second, all you do is think. neither of which has done me much good...


and theres too much fucking snow!!!!!!!!



AND IT'S MOTHER FUCKING COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i seriously hate new york sometimes.


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