It's in the water baby

Greetings!

Man, I was in a mood and decided to click on really old posts. I'm really glad that the archives exist because its certainly a look into my mindset so many years ago now. I started this thing nearly 20yrs ago and so much has changed of course. It would be pretty sad if it didn't.

Part of me wants to bitch slap the person I was 20 years ago, but mostly it just gives me a sense of how much i've changed over the years. For good I'd like to think and hope.

Just reading how confused and tossed about I was, and realizing just how deeply and embracing of who I am today is really nice. I don't feel the need to justify myself, I feel confident saying kiss my ass, and make very few apologies anymore.

We all have moments of self doubt of course, but those moments are fleeting and no longer all consuming as they once were.
Admittedly i've been struggling with family BS as I get older and keep pondering the need to vent, unload, just craft it outside my brain somehow.

I feel like blogging etc is kind of like the memory thing that dumbledore has in the harry potter books/movies. Where you can take these meandering thoughts, lay them out, and walk away. it's cathartic.

At the same time I have to wonder looking back, did any historical figures we admire today do the same? did Shakespeare (of course, ignoring the argument that he didn't actually write any/all of his plays himself) look at early work and wish to change it all?
I'm pretty sure Poe did - he was a hot mess :)

I suspect thats why admired authors died young or stopped at 1-2 books - the self doubt and analyzing probably would have sent them down a path...

Anywho...

Updatey on situations :

Corran is nearing 15, in all AP classes and in marching band playing trombone. He looks so handsome in his uniform! he's officially about 2" taller than I am, closing in on 6' already. Kid eats like it's his job

Quinn is almost 12, in middle school and taking on his adulty responsibilities like a star. he's started upright bass this year in orchestra (don't DARE call it band. I get that lecture daily. lol) and he's still neck and neck with his brother height wise, although he still hasn't broken 100lbs yet. I think last time he was weighed he was like 91lbs. Little string bean.

My brother stopped in for a few weeks, will NOT LEAVE. must begin charging him rent.

House has had SO MANY updates lately. new windows and doors, I completely renovated 2 smaller bedrooms and split the kids up. loft beds and desks, paint job by Moi, brand new fancy carpet. that was a fun project. Hail storm hit and i'm almost done doing 15K+ worth of repairs that insurance is covering a big part of. new roof, new paint, repairs, gutters...etc.

Bought a 2nd car - a goddamn minivan because kids really do need more room, plus brother tagging along, plus...my kids picked the biggest damn instruments. hahha.
But I refuse to give up driving stick daily...so thus, 2 cars. I much prefer my zippy little kia soul to a minivan. who wouldn't?

All the shitty jobs i've had over the years people would call them dreadful when i'd talk about them and i'm like "I actually liked working there" came to a head about a year ago. Took a job that was paying hand over fist, boss was a tool and threatened to fire me if I did my job even a little, but bitched because I wasn't doing anything. I knew for the entire 9m I worked there I would be fired, it was just a matter of when.
Left that job and started a new one about 2.5m ago and i'm still pinching myself. this week they are holding a game of tag complete with booze. during business hours. what in the actual Fuck?

I think thats the big stuff.... maybe i'll brain dump some therapy later. who knows.

Pics of the boys. Myself post side shave (salon flat ironed my hair. normally it's curly) and showing off how LONG it's gotten. I shall be donating it soon. I saved the braid we did before shaving the side :)

I was in a weird place tonight. I was looking at waybackmachine while failing over exchange databases and reading an old LJer (I keep wanting to say blogger) and was thinking...gosh, I wondered if I sounded like that when I was the same age/timeframe so I pulled up my old LJ and scrolled back to some posts from 2001.

I have to admit, I rarely post anything to FB which is what EVERYONE uses these days. mainly because it's just so damn public. My relatives are on there to see pics of the kids...etc.

I miss having a place to vent my thoughts. It wasn't really about comments and groups for me. I had many and appreciated all of them and their support and words over the years. For me it was very cathartic just doing a massive brain dump and then re-reading my thoughts and emotions and gauging growth or steps back or changes in opinions.

I've given thought of coming back and just posting for posting sake. Once I commit it to text it's hard to deny. As the very wise judge on people's court says "write it - regret it, say it - forget it"

It's funny reading back and reliving how little free time I thought I had and how stressful my jobs were compared to now. It's amazing to think where I am today and how I never would have predicted this when I was 21-22-23.

The nuts and bolts -
Corran is in 7th grade. Several honors classes and was 1st chair in trombone in 6th and in the "advanced" band this year. He's 5'3 and 110lbs already. I took a pic of our arms side by side and he's got longer/thicker arms than me. He's also wicked good at basketball but 6th graders can't play...i'm encouraging him to try out this year.

Quinn is in 4th. Seems like just yesterday I started 4th grade. He finds life entirely too easy. he's super laid back, doesn't have to work to do well at school, has hordes of kids following him around wanting to be his friend. I'm kind of jealous. he's my polar opposite personality wise. He's my mini-me physically however. He's 5'1 and 75lbs now. He's a toothpick but about a foot taller than everyone in his grade.

Job - Current job has been going on for 2+ years. I was in LOOOOVEEE with my job until recently but there has been some management issues and changes that I'm not overly pleased with. I'm hoping it's growing pains and things will shake out, but I don't know.
My current focus is being primary on all things network (Switches, routers, wifi, firewalls, SD WAN) Email (can you believe i've supported exch 5.5 - 2013?) VMware, AD, Storage, Security stuff.

I've recently reopened a can of worms I believe sealed and realized I still hold onto some defense/reactions from childhood. I probably ought to seek therapy but good god, I am lucky to get a few hours of sleep. I don't have free time for that nonsense.
Probably why I feel an urge to journal again.

Lets see - other big changes since LJ.
Finally quit smoking after who knows how long. Admittedly I use an ecig...so depends on your def of quitting I suppose.
I've also given up my daily dew habit, which was painful and I find if I ever break my fast I crave sugar for days.
Because of this (and probably some manual labor at work) I've lost about 30ish pounds and gone from a size 6/8 I was when I started at current job 2yrs ago to a paltry 0/2. Freak'n size 0 jeans. Wot?

Still in the albatross, er, house. After being in need of serious upgrades/fixes when I BOUGHT it 12yrs ago and ignoring it for.... 12 years.... I'm being forced into home renovations in a big way. Last summer I replaced all the windows and doors and I will admit...I hate the house less.
Then a few months ago tiles started popping in the kitchen as they have been threatening to for ages. Then the plumbing stack in my shower started leaking causing mysterious puddles in my bedroom but NOT bathroom. Crazy.
So i'm talking to my plumber about going ahead and gutting my bathroom completely (it's fairly small and ALLLLL bad. might as well do it correct while I'm tearing out shower) and bumping a few walls to make my room logical and make bathroom and closet changes.
Since my nasty 30yr old cheap carpet was in need of replacing decades ago has gotten a couple of underground puddles until we figured out the shower deal....it's probably going to be replaced and the entire master suite will get done at one fell swoop.

And I am EVER so thankful for the first time in my life i'm not squeezing pennies and wondering how I can fix something or make something work for free or cheap like i've always had to do. I can actually pay cash and do what I want. Admittedly spending money on this will KILL me to do....I'm super glad I can. SUPER GLAD. I think it will be good for me, as with the windows I think it may temper my hatred of the house a bit. I may become some sort of inattentive mother and quasi hermit. I refuse to leave my den of awesome guys. Just slip some poptarts under the door and don't burn the house down.

On the same thread, the water heater has hit it's 14yr mark and is overdue for a swap. So that gets added to the list. The kitchen floor while ugly and irksome can wait.
The hand-me-down couch is suffering from bald spots and lets admit it was never MY taste.
Joybird has a couch i've been eyeballing for awhile, and it's 20% off for the weekend, and can be made a custom 120" length meaning me + gigantic kids might actually FIT on the couch again.
I've gone from baby infront of me laying on side and corran tucked behind my legs to "only one at a time" to "dude, I've got 1/3rd of the couch and your foot in my ass...MOVE OVER" and thats the littler one!

A 10ft sofa might actually fit me + a kid laying down snuggling at opposite ends. for awhile anyway.

But even at 20% off thats a 3K pricetag. I have it. But I have it BECAUSE I never spend it.

Damn karma. you a funny lady.

I doubt I'll be posting here much - but I had occurance that I think only a few people remaining here might understand. LOL.
remember if you will (http://ectv.livejournal.com/19311.…) my first/Ex Matt. Moved to texas, we broke up, had a bootycall thing until I got tired of that shit and moved the hell on. Sadly it wasn't to entirely greener pastures. LOL.

Fast forward to like er, 06? about the time doug and I were seperating. For some odd reason I felt the need to google. I actually had to sit and ponder for about an hour because I actually forgot his LAST NAME! *facepalm*
It had been years since I thought of him, actually. I googled, saw he had moved to CA and I believe he'd just moved to Portland oregon. This was right before (I think?) I traveled to PDX for the very first time.
I remember saying, thank god I knew because it would be a hella big shock.

Well, I've been going back and forth to PDX with increasing frequency (who has AA elite status? me thats who!) lately, and spending long periods of time - usually 10 days or so. This is the tail end of my 3 week trip, with plans to return in 2 weeks for another 3. urg.

About 18m ago I believe it was, I think it was during my april trips to work on my exchange upgrade rollout, I was up late as per usual....rolled out of bed and wandered across the street to peets.
The office is in one hotel, and I generally stay at the other hotel which is about 2 blocks away so that I have to "commute" to work. After getting snowed in for 2 weeks a couple xmases ago....I need to get OUT. LOL.

So Peets is across the street from the hotel I sleep in, and en route to the one with the office. I msged my coworker Todd to meet me as i'm the free coffee mule when I come to town (I can expense).
I've ordered my coffee and i'm waiting when I look over and whom do I see? Matt.

Now Peets isn't that large of an establishment that I could just pretend I didn't see the guy. So I decided to be the bigger person and walked over and said "hi...I know you...."

He immediately stammers "I LIVE HERE NOW"
and gives me the cold fish handshake. ugh...how I hate that. I pride myself on being one of the guys and having a non-wimpy handshake by any standards, so I immediately judge guys who have the weak clammy handshakes. ew.

I respond "um..ok? I work here"
(I mean WTF? how else do you respond?)

matt : "Yeah, I know....you work for COMPANY don't you?"
me : "yes..." *puzzled look*
matt : "yeah, my wife and I saw you walking down the street yesterday. Didn't you see us?"
me : "no?"
(thinking - why on EARTH would I be checking cars for people I know? the only people I know in portland work with me? dur?)

matt : *leans in close* "so um...I don't know how much you want to talk...lets get coffee"
me : (totally having flashback moment when matt would find some flaw in me and lecture me and end up with me crying and apologizing after hours of discussion. this happened near nightly and one night would be "you talk too much" and the next "you talked too little" and the subsequent "you didn't talk about important events" and then "you were too serious" etc)
me : "errr....I have coffee!" *walks to counter to grab drink*
me : "um...I'm surprised you could find me"
matt : "yeah, josh found your married name awhile back..."
*todd walks in*

me : *akward silence* "um, todd this is matt, matt - Todd"
matt : "so uh...I have a meeting..."
me : "Actually, we do too, don't we todd?"
todd : *nods*
matt : *stands there akwardly...then turns around and walks off without tasty hot beverage or goodbye etc*

me : "well, that was fucking weird"

*******************************************************************
Couple months later, I'm in town again.
walking back from our NOC I stop in hotel room for stuff I needed to take into office, stop at peets to sit outside and chatted on phone for like 2hrs with a couple diff ppl.

Peets has 2 doors, a main one and a side one. there are 3 tables that are near the side door, and i've been sitting there like 2hrs.
I stand up to go inside and get drink and head into office (it's late, like 6pm) again and lo....matt is sitting inside peets with a clear visual of the back of my head, meanwhile I was facing other direction so had no idea.
he must have wandered into main door and sat down at some point perhaps since I never saw him??

Weird.

********************************************************************
Flash forward again - I've been here almost 3 weeks and made a comment that I probably wouldn't be able to avoid "accidentally" running into him...yet again.
I leave in 3 days and thought i'd made it through without incident which seemed unlikely....when Todd and I are standing outside the back door of the hotel - when he comes sauntering down the street.

I swear, I think he has something he wants to say to me - I just have no idea WHAT.
I really have no desire to see nor talk to him, but if it got him to stop stalking me i'd be happy to hear him out already.

But seriously - That was a lifetime ago, I was 22 the last time I saw him. What am I going to say to him?
"Yes my favorite color is still blue, I have 2 boys, I still work in IT....ok, thats about it"
*shrug*

It's just really Effen weird. That about sums it up.

I actually had to reset my password, if you can believe it.
unlike some other lost caches of data - it was still connected to my current email address.

I think I want to post about why I left LJ...and update with me.
I think the biggest reason for my departure was the fact I had so many, SO many awesome folks who would read and respond to my entries and keep tabs on me and genuinely care about me (I know, I hate that shit too!) but on the other side of the hand, I was completely bombarded with life etc and wasn't able to read my friend's posts, and worse still even read/respond to the comments *I* got.

I doddered on, hoping to get back to a place where I didn't feel like a bad human. I felt as if I was taking far more than I was giving.
Confessionally - I started up a new blog where NOBODY reads it and nobody cares and nobody knows who I am. Which is how LJ started for me, and something I missed. Response or no, I missed just typing my thoughts out of my brain and leaving it somewhere else. Admittedly I only post to said blog once every few months. Infact, I think its been longer than that since I last posted and was rather itching to write something down....but some random train of thought led me here, resetting password, and posting to LJ.

I even uploaded a new LJ pic....just to scare the shit out of anyone who still reads this. I'm imagining someone scrolling down his recent friend posts and spitting liquid across keyboard.

Update-y :

I was diagnosed with ADD offically er, like 6m ago. I know, duh, right?
Kids are now 4.5 and 7.5. Quinn is 4' tall and Corran finished 1st grade and is a scant 6" taller than his brother (C is tall for his age, Q is freakishly so. I'm SOOO in trouble)
Creeping up on my 5yr anniversary with my job. Holy shit.
I spent a TON of traveling, which is really the only time I have a chance to read or blog or whatever. And I STILL end up working 24-7. just....less? ;)
My car blew up 18m ago and I bought another.
Took 2yrs but divorce was finalized about 18m ago (crap, this all started in 2/08!)
I paid off all my debts I was given in divorce, ended up paying around 30K for my portion of the divorce (my legal fees. lawyers aren't cheap and they don't go easy)
I have 5 figures in my savings acct

I'm sure the question people will want to really know (because even strangers ask) is how is the love life ect.
well my answer to that is much the same as it was 3+ yrs ago.
I have psychotic EX who seems to spend his free time plotting to make my life miserable
I have job that often requires me to hop on planes and disappear, not to mention work 36-48hr stints without sleep.
I have two small kids
and (probably most key) my tolerance for BS has dramatically dwindled.

I rather like the fact I no longer have someone creating stress and constantly demanding of me. I think very telling that the men i've dated were more "care" than children.

I find it rather improbable that such a human exists, or that i'd be able to spot him....
So...at this point. Nyet.

I've had a few flings with romance, but nothing came of it but emotional scarring I think. Really it just added more fuel to my arguments.

Everytime I get excited, I get stomped on.
So right now I love the crap out of my two handsome boys, and lust after geekstuff.

And so....all is right in the world. :)

https://picasaweb.google.com/Pcgur…

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I just made my first private post below. If you can't see it, let me know...

I'm back and better than ever.

I noticed a few people removed me and such,  and I may have removed you.
I made all my past posts private for a very important reason, and will be doing friends-only from now on probably.

So make a note here if you want to be added, or want to be dropped, etc.
I'll be posting again later today hopefully. my clock keeps changing and I realized I'm running late tonight. Gotta jet!