...the sky flows like when I met you once upon a time...

So in times of feeling no bueno I try to remember to grab on to little things to be happy/excited about, and I really have any number of those to choose from.. the hard part is just remembering to do it haha.

Most recently, been kinda nerding out on Evangelion after watching the second movie, You can (not) advance. It was SO GOOD. The changes they made were really interesting, and omg just when I thought the beserk Eva's couldn't be any more terrifying than they were in the original series/movies, just holy fuck. DX Not to mention the Angel's redesigns are crazy and creepy too haha. But yeah omg there were so many epic battles, I'm pretty sure I had chills throughout the majority of the movie. XD Tho that song they decided to play when Eva 01 is ripping apart Eva 05 after it's possessed by an Angel that Megumi Hayashibara sings... wth. It's so bad. D: They made her sing in too high/soft a pitch or something.. cuz she just sounds so bad, and she's normally a good singer obviously. D: But yeah.. the terrible song was almost enough to totally ruin the mood of the scene lol.. and then they play it when shit is getting crazy in the end too WHY. DX Somehow, I'm liking Rei and Asuka more in the movies than in the series... and omg Mari~~ <3 I fucking love her haha. I think I can safely say my favs now are Shinji, Misato, and Mari. I think the main reason people hate on Shinji is because other than the more bizarre behaviors he exhibits later, deep down they know that's exactly how they would act/react in his shoes. ;p Sorry but if I grew up like him, then get yanked out of whatever already sub par life I was living on the whim that maybe my asshole father might like me, get put into a giant robot and sent out to fight some crazy ass monster where I get to experience what it feels like to be stabbed repeatedly and have limbs broken/torn off, I might be like "YEAH FUCK YOU I'M OUT" too. ;p Childhood issues aside, look at his romantic choices as he's hitting puberty: albino clone of his mom, crazy ginger bitch with mommy issues, gay angel, the (damn sexy) older woman with daddy issues, and now random mystery girl who thinks he smells good cuz he smells like womb juice (LCL fluid). XD Anyway, I <3 Shinji. XD And the only thing I could retain from the preview for the third movie was Asuka with an eyepatch, OH HELLZ YEAH~ It's going to be a painful wait tho, uunnnnggghhh~

Also just finished watching the 4th season of The Slayers, Revolution... honestly tho without even seeing the 5th season yet they should have just combined them into one since I'm assuming the 5th ties up the rest of the plot lines from season 4. But yeah I liked it, good old Slayers fun tiemz... tho it really felt like a filler arc lol. I'm hoping the 5th season will pack more of a punch. Even the "final battle" at the end of the 4th season was kinda lame... I just thought it was stupid how they're like "OMG IT'S IMPERVIOUS TO MAGIC BUT THE SWORD OF LIGHT WILL TAKE IT OUT.... LET'S KEEP USING MAGIC ON IT!!!" ಠ_ಠ And Pokota's human form - srsly worst design ever, wth. Now I just hope he stays a Pokemon lol. I also hope since they seem to be revisiting old characters, maybe Zangulus will make a reappearance?! :D And Martina, that'd be fun. XD I was told tho that Naga is kind of in it, so I'm already looking forward to that haha.

I need to get the second season of Hetalia too... and god dammit will someone freaking watch all of Panty and Stocking so I have someone to share in the horror and extreme amusement with?! And also so I have someone who will share the burden of hoping GAINAX wasn't trolling with their setup for a second season... cuz I swear if there's no second season, I will assault their studio with dildos.

Also getting mega pumped for COSPLAY FUN TIEMZ! ..tho I know as soon as I pull out the sewing machine and stare at the pile of fabric I have, that will go away and be replaced by the reminder of how much i fucking hate sewing. XD; But I feel really excited about my costumes... it's been a few years since I've really done a more complicated costume. And I'll get to be Amaterasu finally! So I can stop picking apart what I would have done differently every time I see someone else cosplaying her. XD And then of course I have Alexiel, with Nanatsusaya~~~ <33333 I just gotta fix the costume so it doesn't fall apart on me like when I tried to wear it the first time. ^^;

The release of the coloring book I put together with my friends is also looming!! I sent it in to the publisher Friday, so I hope to get an email Monday so it gets the official green light.. then I just have to obsessively worry that I overlooked something important until I get the books and can look at a physical copy and see if it's perfect or not but it'll be too late unless I somehow sell all 100 of them quickly and have to get a second printing haha. I'm so excited for it tho... everyone worked so hard so it'll be great to see it finally DONE and IN MY HANDS. *__*

What'll REALLY be exciting is that I got a table for Phoenix Comic Con, and the coloring book will certainly be in my possession by then, so I'm hoping to sell a lot of them there! *__* Also been thinking about what new art/merch I want to try and have by then.. so far it's mostly stuff that prolly isn't that popular but oh well lol. I just draw what I want anyway... when I start to think too much about "what will sell" it's not fun anymore. But yeah I want to do stickers or maybe keychains of the baby Celestial Brush Gods from Okami and Okamiden including Ammy/Chibiterasu of course. Maybe even Shiranui. ^^ I have 4 or 5 of them sketched out atm. Also I want to do chibi Witchblade, and Aspen from Fathom. Maybe the Magdelena too... I'm reading the first Witchblade Compendium right now, and tho I hate Jackie/The Darkness sometimes I find him to be almost likeable which baffles and confuses me~.... so I may try my hand at him too lol. But yeah I managed to sketch a chibi Sara with the Witchblade inspired by this awesome scene/pose in the first Origins story... I swear Michael Turner was just so amazing, it breaks my heart every time I think about his passing. :( But yeah drawing the Witchblade, just as hard/harder than it looks haha. Lol but yeah there's really not any male comic guys I really like other than Batman characters, like Bruce, Tim and Joker... but I'm not particularly inspired to draw them, at least not atm. :/ I kinda am happy tho drawing Image girls... I don't really remember seeing much fanart of any of them last year as opposed to Marvel/DC characters, so maybe I'll have less competition on that end at least. I also want to get some new Zel and Dash art done by then, cuz I think they have good wide appeal designs, and Zel especially totally has a typical comic girl body anyway... Big boobs, narrow hips, strong arms/stomach and killer legs, lol. e.e;;; Also even tho I'm not very confident it would sell, I would love to try my hand at doing a Witchblade munny. X_X It would be... so hard haha. But fun I think. Which reminds me I really need to set up an etsy so I can try and sell my Mrs. Pumpkin Miku munny, and the Sakura Miku... tho I'm getting more and more attached to my Mrs.Pumpkin one... maybe I'll keep her and do another one, with less mistakes, and sell that one lol.

...What is this, just now ANOTHER earthquake in Japan complete with another tsunami warning?! D:> A month to the day even.

....Well there goes anything else I was gunna talk about lol. I'll just end this here, cuz I doubt I'll be able to concentrate on much else for a while.

日本のみんな気をつけて! <:(

So I had pre-ordered this CD, CRUSH! -90's V-Rock best hit cover songs-, because it sounded like it was gunna be full of so much EPIC WIN that there was simply no choice... AND OH MAN I HAVE NOT BEEN LET DOWN. So even tho I doubt anyone is gunna read this, I'm gunna rant about each song and my thoughts on them. XD


1. heidi. - ピンク スパイダー (Pink Spider) [hide Cover]

I think hide is the best way to start any CD. XD The song is pretty straightforward with little changes made, I think heidi. did really well. ^_^ I kind of wish they would have added more of their own touches to it, as I've heard quite a few covers of Pink Spider so I was hoping for something a little different. But, why mess with perfection I guess right? ;D When I was thinking about who I would have liked to hear cover this song, Miyavi actually came to mind. Despite my misgivings with his music sometimes, he is an amazing guitarist and I can only imagine where he could have taken this or any other hide song.

2. Doremidan - 街 (MACHI) [SOPHIA Cover]

I haven't heard the original song as SOPHIA is one of those great bands that has just continued to slip under my radar, but I do like me some Doremidan. :) The song is cute and catchy, so it's all good to me. ^^

3. BugLug - Melty Love [SHAZNA Cover]

When I first listened to this, my instant reaction was "OMFG <3." Melty Love is the first song by SHAZNA I ever listened to, and even though Izam kinda scared me at first I've grown to love him, and this song remains my favorite song haha. But yeah, I've seen a few BugLug PVs randomly, and they're SO GENKI and colorful.. SUPER oshare kei so it's a pretty perfect match for this song IMO. They somehow managed to make the song even cuter and even moar poppy punk, srsly it's amazing haha. If antique cafe weren't in hiatus I would say they would have been an even better choice for this, but yeah BugLug did an amazing job in their own right. <3

4. NoGoD - 1/3の純情な感情 (SANBUN NO ICHI NO JUNJOU NA KANJOU) [SIAM SHADE Cover]

This is my favorite SIAM SHADE song~ So I kinda had high expectations, and I ended up being pretty disappointed at first despite liking NoGod. :/ It's not BAD... it's just not great either somehow haha. But the more I listen to it, the more it grows on me... maybe it's just because the song itself is so good even a so-so cover can't do too much wrong haha.

5. D - 月下の夜想曲 (GEKKA NO YASOUKYOKU) [Malice Mizer Cover]

I was kinda nervous about this one, because I've never listened to D before so I didn't know what to expect. But oh man I was surprised in the BEST way by this cover. *___* D turned this song into a melodic metal piece (imagine Mois Dix Mois sounding stuff) and his deep vocals suit the song and what he did with it PERFECTLY. It's fucking awesome, I couldn't be more pleased if Mois Dix Mois covered it haha.

6. Lolita23q - STORM [LUNA SEA Cover]
(WHY CAN'T I FIND THIS ON YOUTUBE WTF D:<)
So Lolita23q is one of my absolute FAVORITE new school V-Kei bands, so I had really high hopes for this cover because it's fucking Luna Sea. *__* And they did an AMAZING job. All of the instruments sound what I can only describe as vibrant, and Soshi's vocals are very clean.. I would have liked him to maybe have a little more oomph at some parts but he did great none-the-less. FANTASTICAL~

7. Manterou Opera - 紅 (KURENAI) [X JAPAN Cover]

I admittingly haven't listened to much of Manterou, but I've heard so many good things about them that I wasn't too concerned, although I wouldn't have minded a different band taking on the almighty X JAPAN. But much to their credit, they did an incredible job. *_* The singer's voice is kind of high and unique sounding much like Toshi's, so it's a good fit. And the rest of the band did an amazing job keeping up with this super fast paced and energetic song. I also like the dramatic organ they added, it definitely adds a personal touch. :D

8. DaizyStripper - With-you [La'cryma Christi Cover]

So even though I really like La'cryma Christi I don't actually have much music from them so I hadn't heard the original song before haha. ^^; I also haven't listened to DaizyStripper very much even though I have a few songs by them.. but I don't recall the singer sounding so much like a woman. ._. None-the-less, the song is bouncy and cute. <3 I likes~

9. 12012 - Winter, again [GLAY Cover]

Obviously, I had EPIC HIGH EXPECTATIONS for this because not only is it GLAY but Winter, again is one of my all time favorite songs, but I really like 12012 so I was pretty confident they'd do well (even though I thought it was kinda an odd pairing haha). They also went the route of not messing with perfection, so it's a spot on cover, and it's really just beautiful. <3 12012 did an incredible job, and the singer's voice carries so much feeling and emotion, they just totally owned it. LOVE.

10. AND - ロマンス (ROMANCE) [PENICILLIN Cover]

I've never listened to AND and haven't heard the original song either despite being somewhat familiar with both bands, but I think it's a great cover and has definitely perked my interest in AND. <3

11. Mix Speaker's, Inc. - S.O.S ロマンティック (S.O.S ROMANTIC) [CASCADE Cover]

I've NEVER heard of CASCADE so I didn't have any idea what to expect haha. But I am a big fan of Mix Speaker's Inc. ( for those of you that know Psycho le Cemu, this is the band AYA and seek are now in :3 ), so I knew it was gunna be good. I haven't looked up the original song, but I'm all but sure Mix added a lot of their own personal touches to it since it has a lot of their signature Halloween Carnival sound in it. XD It's definitely a fun song!

12. LOST ASH - ENDLESS LOVE [D-SHADE Cover]

So I think I've heard of D-SHADE just not their music, and I've never heard of LOST ASH, so again didn't know what to expect. It's a really good song tho! Really upbeat and fun, and it definitely has this feel of old school Visual Kei somehow haha.

13. MERRY - Schweinの椅子 (SCHWEIN NO ISU) [Dir en grey Cover]

Somehow I thought MERRY had been around for a lot longer so I was kinda confused when I first saw they were COVERING a song as opposed to being covered... but yeah they've only been around since 2001 so I don't know what I was thinking. XD Anyhoo, even though Schwein no Isu is from my favorite Dir en grey era and indeed one of my fav Diru songs, I feel like there are much better songs more suited to Merry than this... I feel like Gara's voice, which I adore, is wasted on all the growling and screaming lyrics in this song. So even tho I do like this cover, anytime I listen to it I can't help but feel frustrated haha. Honestly, I think they should have sung Cage, that would have been AMAZING.

14. DuelJewel - JUPITER [BUCK-TICK Cover]

This is one of the songs that made me jizz myself when I first read the tracklist for this CD. Duel Jewel is one of my all time favorite bands, and this is my all time favorite BUCK-TICK song s it's like a match made in heaven haha. They added their own personal touches to it, which only makes this already beautiful song that much more epic and haunting. <333 FUCKING.LOVE.IT.

15. DOG inThe PARALLEL WORLD ORCHESTRA - 夢より素敵な (YUME YORI SUTEKI NA) [Raphael Cover]

Never heard of the band doing this cover, but I LOVE Raphael. DOG did a good job on this cover, kept it mostly the same as the original... but somehow it kinda just fails to grab me. :/ I'm not sure why really... cuz it's not bad like I said... I dunno. :/ I was thinking of who I'd rather hear cover Raphael, and for whatever reason Versailles came to mind.. I think that would have been freaking epic. *___*


Overall, this CD is just amazing. <3 Totally worth every penny and I hope they do another one!!! A few bands I think would be awesome to hear covered even though maybe they might not be quite as "influential" or classic as the bands covered on this CD, are PIERROT, Psycho le Cemu, and SEX MACHINEGUNS to name a few. Hell they could cover the exact same bands for all I care, I just want moar. XD

So I swear to god I've just been a meatbag of sickness this month. DX A cold, migraines, bacterial infection, super harsh period, and moar... and now that today I was actually feelin' pretty good I spent the day cleaning, but now I have a cramp in my lower bag from all the moving and sitting in awkward positions for too long. XD; SO I'm calling it quits for tonight.. got a pain patch on my back and took some medicine so hopefully pain will subside soon. ^^;

For now I'm gunna indulge and do some drawing~~ *___* I'm so grateful for all the commissions I've gotten these last few months, but damn it's hard to feel accomplished because I feel like when I finish one another one comes to take it's place so I'm never done~ DX I shouldn't complain... but man I kinda just want a break lol. But yeah not gunna happen.. especially since Con-nichiwa is comin' up late March, and guess who just sent in an app for a (HORRIBLY EXPENSIVE) Phoenix ComicCon table? YEAH ME. \(^o^)/ I'm really excited, because even if I don't sell enough to break even, I'll be excited for the exposure to a whole new crowd and not just animoo peeps. *____* And the coloring book should be out by then too so I'm hoping if nothing else that will sell at least. God I only need a few more people's art and then it's pretty much DONE and ready to be sent off to get printed... it's been I think 4 or 5 months in the making, which isn't that long I guess but omg I just want it to be done already lol. I'm tired of harping and chasing after artists for work haha. But it's been a really fun experience, and I hope we get to make more after this. <3

But ugh ok I'm gunna make a post after this raving about this CD i'm listening to then get to wrk drawing before I get too tired. XD

1) I'm getting my first tattoo this year, goal is before July. I'll probably get it next time I go to visit my sister, Brianne, up in Washington. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appt with the tattoo artist that did her last ink. I'M EXCITED. And terrified. BUT MOSTLY EXCITED. And apparently Brianne has decided we're getting matching Star Wars tattoos lol. I just want the Rebel Alliance symbol tho. Fuck the Empire!

2) OYAH I changed the colors and BG on the ELJAY. I kinda want to make a custom mood theme, but I am too lazy lol. TOO MUCH WERK.

3) I'm feeling kinda art roneries. :< I want to have an arting hangout~ I should just do a livestream soon, that will help I think haha. I also feel ALMOST in a bit of an art rut/slump... like I have a lot of things I SHOULD be drawing.. and that many more ideas for selfish art... but no motivation to do anything lol. At least I'm managing to widdle down my commission list.

4) I had a lot more thoughts when I started this entry.

5) I want to do some artist trading card sets/ACEO/KAKAO too... but wat to do. :/

6) I should finish the lil manga scene I started too... I got about half way into it then started to really despise my crappy panel layouts and took a break. I just don't seem to have a natural feel for it, frustrating lol.

7) Hm still need to make that video blog about the Luna Sea concert... but maybe cuz it's been a while most of what I wanted to say will have left me. CURSE MY PROCRASTINATIVE NATURE~ ::fist of justice::

8) I need to start working on cosplay too~

9) ... ran out of thoughts lol. Guess I should go to bed finally.. and by go to bed I mean prolly watch TV or read. >> <<

SO wooooooow. I haven't posted on here since late June 2010 haha. But Kara is crazy nice and bought me a year sub to LJ, and other friends are flocking back here and yelling at me to do the same.. so here I am again haha.

At the very least I'm going to try and make more of an effort to read everyone's entries (and start snagging some of the hot pix from jrock_scans I've been missing holy hell), and post more if I can. Tho with my current situation I'm afraid things would sound too emo/introspective to expose you all to haha. For now I'll just say my health is slightly rollercoastering again, not too much to be worried about tho, just a shit load of various doctor appts coming up because of it so I'm not very happy haha.

Last year had the typical amount of pretty epic ups and downs. I did a lot last year tho, made a lot of new acquaintances, friends, and connections. I hope this year I'll get to do just as much if not more.

Right now I'm getting closer to wrapping up a pretty epic project I started with some of my artist pals, a coloring book. It's insanely awesome, but things are a bit tough trying to keep 15 artists in line with deadlines and ideas and such lol. I'm a bit worried right now that I might have a few falling off the wagon close to the finish line for one reason or another... but hopefully they'll pull it together soon.

Anyway.. I'm kinda lightheaded so I think I shall go lay down, maybe even sleep if I'm lucky. ;p TTYL!

LEAVING TO CALIFORNIA IN MERE HOURS~

I've taken this trip so many times yet I still get epically nervous... I just hate travelling/plane rides so much lol.. and I'm even more scared since instead of coming home we're going to Washington from California to see my sister... I'm excited to see her, but scared of the plane rides of doom. XD

Also, I can't find my freaking camera battery charger. >:( I wish I would have noticed this earlier or even yesterday, cuz I would have just taken it as a sign to go buy a new camera LOL. I want the Olympus Pen so hard... maybe I can somehow buy it in California... tho I don't really wnant to drop that much money... OMG WAIT.. maybe I could get it cheaper in Washington on the military base mall store thing.. *__* Hopefully my camera will survive AX and Disneyland then...

ANYWAY. See you guys later... and wsh me good luck to not die on the planes. XD

Changed up a few of my icons... most of them are old ones. I should probably have a more neutral one for my default but this one cracks me up lol. I had it sitting around for so long and finally had something good to write on it... anyone who can guess BOTH fonts wins a nerd cookie of epicness. >:D


I've been kinda detached from everything for a while which I'm sorry for, but it's mostly just because I haven't been feeling well or in not really the mood to socialize, even just over the computer. I've been officially diagnosed with high blood pressure now, and the number of meds I'm on is like increasing with every doctor visit lol. But I mean if it's gunna help me feel better eventually, I can suck it up I guess. She's trying to help me treat my headaches/migraines too, but it's hard because all of my "ailments" are so interconnected and/or can be caused simply from stress, it's like a bad domino effect. But yeah, listen to this laundry list of medication I take: I'm on 2 blood pressure meds (one I take twice a day), 1 for allergies, 1 for depression/anxiety/panic, 1 migraine preventative, and 1 for insomnia. Then I take daily vitamin and calcium pills. I feel like an old lady already with all the damn RX bottles. XD But yeah also how's this for some BS - when I was talking to my doctor about my headaches/migraines, she was asking what kind of medicine I take for them and how often, and I told her I basically take Ibuprofen like candy along with a half a caffeine pill usually. So she tells me with headaches, the more medicine I take, it almost becomes like an addiction where my body will create headaches so I have to take more and more medicine. D:< Even with just over the counter Ibuprofen! So all these fucking year of doctors telling me to just keep taking Ibuprofen has been really doing nothing but fucking me up more in the long run. DX So yeah she started me on that migraine preventative which will take about a month to really start working, and in the meantime I'm not allowed to take ANYTHING for headaches.. I was totally cool with it and she was saying "You're going to be cursing my name and hate me for it, but for this month don't take ANYTHING." and I was just like "No I won't Samantha, it'll be fine!" Then that night I got a bad migraine and was totally cursing her name. XD I ended up cheating and taking medicine because it was escalating to the point of feeling like I was going to vomit, but ever since then I've not taken anything. ;P IT SUCKS lol.


But yeah I've basically been out of commission, either with headaches or just kinda not feeling well, or feeling too tired to do anything. I don't know if it's the season or the meds or what, but I feel like my chronic fatigueness has somehow managed to just get worse lol. I'm just tired ALL THE TIME. Even at night when I usually feel more active, I don't feel any more energetic or awake. :/ I don't even remember the last time I worked on any art, which is probably not helping my mood. I've played some Apollo Justice and started Miles Edgeworth Investigations on my DS, but I really even haven't been playing video games that much I'm so blah all the time lol. I have been kinda watching a lot of movies and anime lately, so that's been fun at least haha.


I got an amp for my guitar finally, so I was playing around on it trying to teach myself "Sorry Love" by GLAY from watching youtube videos haha. Then my uncle came over and was tuning it and snapped my E string ( I think it's E anyway ). XD; He felt bad and got me new strings, then I snapped the new E when trying to string/tune it. EPICFAILFTL~ I haven't messed with it much since then, but when I'm near Guitar Center I'm gunna ask if I can pick up multiples of the same string so if I hardcore fail again at least I have backup. XD;


I'm looking forward to going to Disneyland again before AX, then I'm going to visit my younger sister in Washington so that'll be fun hopefully. :) She just joined a rollerderby where she is and I'm so proud of her/really freaking excited haha. I think it's just about the coolest thin ever.. I hope when I go up there they will have started the season so I can see her kick some chick's balls~ XD She still needs a good derby name tho.


Have any of you ever had an anger blackout? Like when you get so angry/frustrated that you finally just snap and for example are arguing with someone and don't even remember most of the shit you said? XD; It's happened to me only a few times.. but yeah I got into a pretty epic fight with my mom recently.. she has days when she becomes a fucking retard, and it was one of them. She was just being so stupid, then finally I couldn't take it anymore and I just lost it.. I remember starting to raise my voice during the argument, then next thing I know my step dad is taking my mom out of the house for a drive to cool off/stop crying and I'm storming out into the kitchen collecting shot glasses to put in a bag and smash the shit out of... it was then that I decided I should call my sister to calm down lol. ^^; But yeah, I had to ask my step dad the next day what I was saying cuz since I didn't even know lol. But yeah things are fine between me and my mom, neither of us apologized but we were kinda forced into a cease fire by my step dad, lol. It's whatevers tho.


That's pretty much all that's been up really that's worth mentioning I think.. I'm a bit starving now so I think I'm gunna go find some food. TTYL~


† Bix †

Not meaning to offend anyone, but ok. I admit I have my share of shows/music/whatever that are guilty pleasures that most would find to be pretty shitty. And, I usually don't get irked when I hear about crap other people like that I don't, cuz everyone has their own tastes. But seriously, I'm about ready to kill myself if I hear anything more about (off the top of my head) Lady Gaga, Glee, or True Blood. IMHO: Talentless, Don't Care, Overrated Vampires with Retarded Teeth Porn.

ESPECIALLY LADY GAGA. SRSLY, STFU.

The End. /endbitchrantSORRYPPL

I woke up and can't fall back asleep so I thought I would update haha. I'm so sleep deprived right now and kinda dog crazy, but first I'll talk about important stuff. XD


I forgot if I updated here or not on my doctor visit... I did at devart haha. But yeah, I'll just copy/paste for those that didn't see: So I had my doctor appt with the new nurse practitioner at the clinic I go to, and she was pretty cool. She spent a lot of time with me and asked me a bunch of questions, and she decided to go ahead and put me on a blood pressure medicine for a month and see how if affects me. She also gave me an allergy medicine and recommended ways to help the eczema on my eyes and ears. :'D Tho the dumb hospital didn't fax them the records, so I might have to go back in for more blood tests, especially since I told them I wanted a thyroid test to see if maybe that's what's wrong with me. I don't think I have a thyroid problem, but Zara was looking into it and listed a bunch of typical symptoms that I seem to exhibit.. so could be coincidence or I could have it. We'll see I guess. On a random note, I totally think my new doctor is transgendered.. as soon as she walked in I just thought she was haha.. just by her hands and her body frame and such.. it doesn't matter of course, but I thought it was pretty awesome and it made me like her more haha. XD


So I've been on the medication, but my blood pressure has still been pretty consistently high last I was checking.. I kinda decided to stop checking it even if I didn't feel good because I felt like it was stressing me out more to know than to not know. I've been feeling pretty run down/lethargic still, but that isn't that unusual for me lol. I have been to trying to exercise at least every other day for about 30 mins though, which is supposed to make one feel more energetic but has no effect on me so far. XD I also am trying to make an effort to eat somewhat better, and I bought vitamins too... looks like this year I will really be taking care of myself lol. Hopefully i'll actually feel an improvement.


I'm kinda sneaking behind and parent's backs and looking into adopting this puppy: http://www.adoptapet.com/pet371813… . I'm not 100% sure we'll get her, but yeah I think she's pretty freaking adorable. The lady told me on Saturday I should be able to see her at the Petsmart and talk more to one of the adoption councilors to see if we'd be a good match for her. ^^ I'm excoted.. I love dogs so much lol...


I REALLY wish we could get another pitbull, but Josie just wants nothing to do with dogs her size lol. So we need to get a dog that'll be smaller than her.So you would think knowing this I would stop torturing myself and looking at pibbys.. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT GODDAMMIT THEY'RE SO CUTE~~~


I mean, LOOK AT THESE TINY PUPPIES. http://www.adoptapet.com/pet373346… http://www.adoptapet.com/pet373346…


But really, I'm so totally in love with these girls:
http://www.adoptapet.com/pet367995…
http://www.adoptapet.com/pet369348…


And even tho we're set on a girl, I think this little guy is so fucking cute, I die every time I look at him. XD He looks like a giant fat chihuahua right? XD I WANT HIM~~~ XD
http://www.adoptapet.com/pet371396…


If things don't work out with that puppy tho, I also think this lil mutt is adorable even tho my parents don't: http://www.adoptapet.com/pet367871…


And actually Smiling Dog Rescue just put up a new pibby puppy... I'd be tempted to maybe try to get her and see if by chance Josie would like her... she's so cute <3
http://www.adoptapet.com/pet369792…


Anyway.. Imma go lay down and see if I can fall asleep now~~

Anyone remember a few days ago when i said some joke about giving myself an ulcer or a stroke?? Yeah we'll guess who just got out of the hospital? ^^;


Yeah, Saturday I was hospitalized for the first time since I was a kid. ^^;


I woke up not feeling well, the only way to describe what I felt was that my body felt really heavy yet I felt light headed at the same time, I thought maybe it was because I hadn't been sleeping well and thought also maybe it just meant I'd be getting a headache later. So I took a shower hoping it'd make me feel better, but no avail. It then occurred to me that I had felt similar a while back when I went in for a teeth cleaning, and the dentist took my blood pressure and told me it was kinda high, and advised me to start taking it regularly and if I get similar numbers to goo in a see a doctor asap, especially since I'm only 25. SO of course I didn't make a doctor's appt and figured it was nothing.. then yesterday happened.


Remembering the dentist incident, I had my mom take my blood pressure and sure enough it was a little high, 124/91 (the bottom number should be in the 70's or 80's to be considered normal). So I just try ot take it easy all day, but as time goes by I just start to feel worse and worse. I get a migraine, which makes my stomach upset, and the acid builds up and starts causing chest pains and shortness of breath, and I'm growing more and more unsettled the worse I feel.. it's like a horrible domino effect. Chibi comes over and we're watching The Swan Princess, and during it my ears start ringing because my head is hurting so bad, and I remember my mom saying her ears ring when her blood pressure gets high too. So I have my mom take my blood pressure again, and it's jumped to 141/95. And to top it off, I just REALLY DON'T FEEL GOOD.


Cue panic/anxiety attack.


I just start sobbing and try to slow myself down, but I'm all but I was already having trouble breathing so now I'm all but hyperventilating and my parents decide it's hospital time. Chibi is trying to calm me down, I'M trying to me down, and we pile into the car and go.


I fill out forms in the hospital and try not to break down in the waiting room. I get called back by a nurse where she asks me some questions and takes my vitals... my blood pressure went up yet again, now it's 159/97. I get tagged and made to wait a bit longer, called back to fill out more forms, then finally taken into the ER. I gown up and I get to answer the same questions 50 thousand times to different nurses and doctors, while they put an IV in me and poke me 20 thousand more times trying to find a vein to give blood (I was joking saying that i had stingy veins, needed all the blood i could get lol), and run an EKG (basically monitors your heartbeat) on me. They then hook me up to a machine that monitors my heart rate and takes my blood pressure every 15 mins. I look like someone out of Ghost in the Shell at this point with all the wires coming out of me, lol.


My EKG comes back abnormal, and the paramedic that took it looked concerned and asked "Have you ever been told you have an irregular EKG?" to which I answered yes, because I had been to a doctor before for my chest pains and they ran a gauntlet of tests on my heart and determined my abnormal EKG was a normal abnormality, for me at least, and the chest pain was most likely acid from my stomach that had gotten trapped in my esophagus, like acid reflux, probably caused by stress. So yeah they decide they're gunna keep me overnight so they can run a second series of EKGs and other tests the next morning to see if the results change at all. They also want to X-Ray my chest and all that. The doctors though are all really concerned because of my age and all of the symptoms, and one tells me even "We're fairly certain you're not having a heart attack, but we can't be sure until we get results back from the blood tests." to which I laughed and started crying simultaneously lol. It was all just surreal.


I told them too a lot of the symptoms I was currently having, minus the blood pressure, I had been told were stress related, including the chest pains and chest pressure and all that, AND that I had been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder which was most likely magnifying things since I was in the midst of a panic attack anyway. They took all that into consideration but were still pretty concerned, and they seemed kinda taken a back after they asked if I had been prescribed any medication to take DURING an attack to calm me down and I said no. But yeah I was fighting back the attack really hard, even though my mom had said to just let go and cry I didn't want to lose it. I think I freaked out the poor X-Ray tech, because when he took me to go take them, he asked me "So what brings you to the hospital" which I laughed cuz it sounded so strange, and I was like "Well I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by." lol.. I told him a little bit why i was there and kinda just trying to be jovial... then he had me wait alone in a room while he checked to make sure the X-Rays came out, and when I didn't have anything to distract me anymore I just started crying. ^^; I tried to be sly about it but I think he totally saw, cuz when he came back he was like "They came out perfect, ah you did great! :D ;;; " I was just like "Awesome, thank you. :'D" And when we got back to my room he just told me quietly "Good luck and God bless." and again I sniffled a "Ok thanks :'D" Yeah I was a mess lol...


Chibi called her mom, my sister, to come get her so she and my mom could take shifts staying with me ( again I FAIL because they asked if I wanted them to stay, i said "no go ahead and go home, I'll be fine." and even as the words came out of my mouth I started crying lol.. suck.. ), and of course my wonderful sister tells her "i'm already in bed, call someone else for a ride" -_- She later said she didn't even remember her calling her, that she was half asleep, but still I've been half asleep and gotten a phone call saying "So-and-so is in the hospital" and i wake up right quick. >:( ANYWAY.. our friend Alex had to pick up Chibi, and my mom stayed.


The nurse came in and gave me a pill that was supposed to calm me down/put me to sleep.. but because my body is like anti-sedative I didn't feel anything until like 5 hours later. In the meantime I just babbled to my poor mom, because I was desperate to keep my mind+mouth busy so I wouldn't fall to the panic attack. Tho I cried a lot anyway while talking to her, mostly when I was talking about Dash, our dog we recently had to put down. LoL at one point the nurse came in and was like "WTH You're still awake?! You know it's like 4 a.m., you CAN go to sleep." and I just laughed and told her how I have to take two types of sleeping pills to get any sleep normally, so she shouldn't be surprised to find me there awake even after my mom passes out. But yeah I don't know what time it was when I ran out of things to say and things got quiet... my mom fell asleep and I was trying to myself but every time I closed my eyes I was immediately thrown into some weird dream or nightmare. So I just kept waking up trying to restart to a blank dream... by then I think the pill was finally hitting me, along with my own exhaustion and adrenaline fallout, and I started to hallucinate. Everything in my room was stretching, growing, shrinking, moving in some way... it was only scary when it looked like the ceiling was going to crush me.. I then tried to at least go into a blank meditation state like I had learned forever ago in Tai Chi and in psychology of all classes, and while trying that I finally fell asleep.


Next thing I know, I'm waking up and I'm home. I think "Was it all a dream?" then I look at my arms and see all of the bandages and bruises from all the needles. I call Chibi to ask for my phone, and she asks how I'm feeling and I say I feel disoriented and don't know what's going on.


Cue panic attack.


I only sort of remembered them waking me up and removing all the wires, and telling me something but I was too groggy to focus on the words. I panicked thinking they told me something important about what was wrong with me and I wasn't awake enough to hear and now what. What the hell just happened. Chibi rushes over and they wake up my mom and calm me down and tell me what the dr told my mom. I DIDN'T have a heart attack lol, and my kidneys hadn't taken any damage from my blood pressure. But they weren't able to find out what had caused my blood pressure to not only spike, but jump all over the place as it did all night; whether it was caused by stress perhaps or what had triggered the stress. They said I had to see my normal dr tho ASAP and possibly be put on high blood pressure medicine as well as take a stress test to test my heart I guess. So yeah I have an appt Friday and I'll find out what next then I guess.


I feel mostly ok now, just have been feeling really dizzy/lightheaded and have had my usual headaches and whatnot but not nearly as bad as that day. I don't really know what to expect at the doctors, but I hope they can figure something out because I don't really want to have to rush to the ER every time my blood pressure spikes.


Everyone just hope I really don't end having a stroke, for real this time I guess. XD;


† Bix †