I don't recall a single care, just greenery and humid air.

This isn't even to let anyone know about anywthing, this is just for my own purposes so when I look back at this journal, years later, I can remember why things went down the way they did.
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As of September 18th, Christina Alessi and I are not friends anymore. Why are we not friends? Because I didn't want to be married to her. Because she wanted all of my attention all of the time. Because she couldn't accept that, unlike her, I HAD OTHER FRIENDS. Friends who needed, wanted, and deserved more of my time than they were getting. Because I didn't want to talk to her 10 times a day online, 8 times a day on the phone, and 35 times a day via text message. Because I didn't want wake up calls, or go to sleep calls, or calls in the middle of my nap. Because I didn't want sit around in her room and watch her go on myspace for four hours. Because I didn't want pizza and MCDonald's every night of the week. Because I didn't want to drive around Portion Road for 3 hours "cruisn for da boiis". Because she was "so much more mature than everyone else." Because she was more superficial and shallow and ignorant than anyone I've ever known. Because she has no personality of her own aside from what she can copy and emulate from others. Because she's so fucking scene. And so fucking Hollister. And so fucking Christian Dior. And because "all the punk boys go for all the preppy girls, so I'll dress this way and then guys will like me." No. Get a clue. Guys like you for your personality, and opinions, and values, and sense of humor. All of which you have none! And quite a large contribution to the demise of our friendship: she couldn't accpet that I had a boyfriend. One who lived 50 miles away. One whom it is very hard to spend time with. Because she couldn't realize that when you are smitten with an individual, a significant amount of your time and energy is devoted to them. Maybe it's because she's never had a boyfriend. Maybe it's because she's insanely jealous and didn't give a shit about how I actually felt about anything. What I would love to know is, how, after driving to Levittown to find out that Kyle Zavada, an individual on whom she has a ridiculous and unfounded crush, had no desire to see her that night, or any night for that matter, we drove to Thomas' house, where he comforted her, and reassured her that [edited for content]. When we sat outside his house until 2:00 in the fucking morning because she didnt' want to go home. When he had work at 4 am, and he was nice enough not to mind. And she still couldn't accept him. Sorry, but hell fucking no. If you are that much of a selfish, closed minded, immature little ratfaced whore of a bitch that you can't even begin to admit the possibility that Tom might just be a mildly pleasant individual that you might want to get to know, then you're just not good enough to know him. And you're not even close to being a good enough, decent enough, not evil enough a person to know me. And to add insult to injury, to forever prove me right, to be the kind of person to talk behind my back to mutual friends and tell blatant, glaring lies to people that I respect, just to make yourself look like a better person. All I know is that it satisfies me to no end that she is going to burn in the deepest circle of hell and suffer for the rest of etenrity.
_

The end.

Strange dear, but true dear,
When I'm close to you dear,
The stars fill the sky.
So in love with you am I.
Even without you,
My arms fold about you,
You know darling why.
So in love with you am I.
In love with the night mysterious,
The night when you first were there.
In love with my joy delirious,
When I knew that you could care.
So taunt me and hurt me,
Decieve me, desert me.
I'm yours til I die.
So in love with you, my love, am I!

Like a Chinese finger trap.
A simple child’s toy with simple appeal.
Leaving me a splinter that festers,
And the infection spreads like a plague.
Pandora’s box, lacquered with a shallow veneer
Of naivety and innocence.
Sugar coated Satan.
A rag doll seemingly tossed about by trials and tribulations,
Hardships and quizzes of character.
You prove not to pass these tests.
The rag doll is in control.
The rag doll does the tossing,
The ripping, tearing.
The shredding of my hand-sewn, amateur stitching.
Your presence sparks a fire that turns my being to
A charred useless shell of hope.
Hope for change, hope for understanding.
Hope that burns away like Kerosene soaked cotton.
You split my seams, violently pulling my stuffing,
And I am limp, destroyed and threadbare.
This empty lifeless doll no longer
Yearns for your fleeting affection.
This rag doll is satisfied with being
Tossed away, added to the sophisticated
And growing collection of murdered playthings.

I went almost two years without writing a thing, and I've been writing again recently. Hopefully it'll be with more frequency now.

I did something last night that I haven't done in a long time either:

I was falling asleep around 2:30 am, sort of dreaming, sort of watching Pirates, mostly thinking about Tom, and I got a line in my head, jolted out of bed and frantically searched for paper and a pencil. I was really satisfied when I was done writing cuz I haven't done that jolty urgent expression thing in too long.

Anyway, read the poems. Feedback is good.


( Poems, bitches.Collapse )

♥ Me.

Groping blindly for this lonesome reality.
This reality which will not lend itself to anyone else.
This reality which is realized only be me.

To share this existence would relieve a burden.
A burden that no one cares to alleviate.
A burden that pressures my heart like the dark, crushing weight of the sea.

I search for understanding, any sign of compassion.
Understanding which I cannot decipher in the faces staring blankly through me.
Compassion is absent as my heart breaks open and spills its useless contents.

This love, I yearn so desperately to pass this love to others.
This love which no one will accept,
And I am turned away to wither,
Lonesome in this burdening existence.
This existence which is my reality.
Reality pierces sharp and raw through my broken, empty heart.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Writing out of frustration, from a place that need not be elaborated on.

Feel free to feed back.

I am nothing now, and it's been so long since I heard a sound. The sound of my only hope. This time, I will be listening. You sing us a song, and we'll sing it back to you. We could sing our own, but what would it be without you? This heart, it beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours.

Saw Paramore again, rocked equally as hard or harder than the first time.

Seeing them again on 8/23 so long has the show isn't cancelled.

Pray for Hayley's voice. ='(

I'm becoming steadily obsessed with Cute Is What We Aim For. They're so clever.

The end.

♥ Me.

P.S. I have to hXc clean my room, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Paramore, day 1. Abridged, believe it or not.

Took the train and got on line at about 8 am. We really did nothing but serach for resturants and places to pee until about 2. Some of the openeing acts showed up and we said hi and watched them bring their equipment in. Big whoop. At about 2pm Paramore's *tour bus* showed up. I say *tour bus* because this is their first tour and the first time they can actually afford a bus instead of a van. Yay! So they came out of the bus and started to unload and everything, whilst I was peeing my pants. ;] I said hi to all of them (while holding the "Paramore" umbrella I had made. Lyrics written on every other pannel, and "Paramore" and a heart, written on every other pannel. And Josh smiled at me and my umbrella) and then I gave Zac the book I made for him. (Crazy girl fan book thing, don't feel like explaining, contained my phone number and MySpace URL, lol.) He took it and said thank you. We had baked Hunter brownies and got him a balloon and a card, all Elmo themed cuz he likes Elmo, and given them to him cuz it was his birthday four days before. He said thanks a bunch of times and talked to us for like 5 mins and then had to keep unloading. Hayley came out and was adorable and beautiful and perfect and waved at me. It was splendiferous. After all that, and a few hrs later, we decided to go to McDonald's. When we came back, Hayley was just exiting the building to go get food and we saw her and said hi. She couldn't talk because she was resting her voice for the show, but we offered her some fries which she ate, (!) and then she asked for directions to McDonald's. It was amazing and we saved the fry container, lol. Then nothing really spectacular happened for hours and hours. Tons of waiting, frying in the sun, sitting through opening acts, blah. And then they came on. They had a backdrop and costumes and everything (first headlining tour!). Hayley came out with a lantern that matched the backdrop and started to play a gorgeous song (which I didn't recognize) on the piano. Then they went into Emergency, which is theire current single. I have to say that, during this show, I rocked harder then I ever have, in my history of being alive. Halfway through the show, they did an acoustic performace of their "My Hero" Foo Fighters cover, from the Superman soundtrack. Instead of singing "he" throughout the whokle song, I changed it to "She" as I always do, because Hayley is my hero. Duh. And when the song ended, I called her name and got her attention, and motioned "Your my hero" forming a heart wity my hands, to which she replied, "No. You're my hero." (I died. Right there. I'm actually dead right now, typing this from beyond the grave, to let everyone know that I'm safe and happy here in the afterlife.) Then they did more songs and everytime she came near me, she bent down and sung straight into my eyes. It was the greates and most thrilling connection I've ever experienced. Having my idol sing my favorite words to me, as I screamed them back to her at the top of my lungs, I couldn't ask for more. But there was more. Three seperate times during their set, she held out the mic for me to sing into. I've wanted that to happen all of my life. Since I've been going to shows and seen it happen to other people, I've wanted that experience for my memory bank. For the last song before the encore, they performed Hallelujah. It's one of my favorite Paramore songs ever written. During that song was the third time she held the mic out for me. Right before the second refrain, on of the best parts, where the riffs and vocals combined make you want to thank God for the song ever being written. She looked right into my eyes, and between the lines she said, "You got this?" and I shook my head yes, and as the refrain was about to blast out she held the mic right to me and I got to sing "This time we're not giving up, let's make it last forever. Screaming Hallelujah!" I couldn't believe it, and I still can't. Then they left the stage and we did the whole "One more song" thing, and they came back out to perform My Heart. (another one of my favorite favorites.) The show ended, blah blah, [::skips a huge chunk of boredom that ensued to the waiting. Got a drumstick (thank God) and had Zac sign it, asked him if he liked the book]. We were outside for about and hour and a half, when Josh and Hunter came out. Josh walked right up to me and was like "Hey! You waited!" and hugged me and Christina on the spot. We talked to Josh and Jeremy for a few minutes and it wasfucking awesome. (Mind you, this is about 12:30 am, and there are me, Christina, Taylor, and three other people outside.) Then Hunter came out and we talked to him about the brownies and all, and we just talked and talked and talked to Josh, Hunter, and Jeremy. Then Zac came out. He looked so sick and uncomfortable, I wanted to cry. He just kind of shuffled out, waved, and trudged to the tourbus. Josh told us he was sick and I felt terrible for him. I was surprised too by how well he played, that he was even the slightest bit ill. I asked Josh if Zac had showed him the book, and he said he had, and that Zac was really happy and excited about it. And he said that Zac had gone around to all the opening bands and showed them, and told them how awesome he said it was. Calm and collected outside, excited and peeing my pants inside. Then Hayley came out and hung out and mouthed things to us. We took pictures and autographs and talked a while longer, and then the had to re-load all of their equipment, so they had to go. We hugged all of them like, three times and said that we'd see them all Saturday. Then we walked about two blocks and had a fan-girl disbelief scream fest.

It really was the best day of my life, and I'm praying ever minute of the next three days, that Saturday goes just as well.

Sorry for the typos, but I'm not correcting that.

Peace.

♥ Me.

I'm going to see POTC2 with my brother. Yay!

But first, a ghey quiz that I could not resist:

You scored as Stress. Your depression is caused by stress. You are over-burdened with work, moeny and everyone else's problem, and this leaves you with no time to look after yourself. You drink, smoke, maybe even do drugs or self-harm for a way of stress relief, but the pent up anger doesn't leave, and this turns into depression. Stress consumes you. </td> Stress 84% Love 81% Past 78% Family 59% Friends 47% Lonliness 47% Death 28% People 22% What causes you to be depressed? created with QuizFarm.com

I find that I haven't been on the computer very much recently, out of exhaustion and courtesy to my brother's paper route habits.

It's quite the mind-bogglement because I am usually very much an addict.
_

So in recent news, I saw Brand New with Alex. It was a spectacular show. The only ONLY problem that I had with it was that Jesse Lacey often strayed from the recorded version of the vocals to be improving all over the place. That was a bit frustrating. They played all my favorite songs and I rocked out with Alex. (It was so cute to see him like, being all "I'm seeing my favorite rock band!") Then for the last song (which I didn't know) I handed Alex my bag (which he was displeased with because he had to hold a pocketbook) and shoved my way through the crowd into the pit. BOY WAS IT FUN. And I'm not even being sarcastic. It was awesome. I danced and jumped around and went nuts.

Great, great show.
_

Paramore is in like, a week and two days. EXCITED. I'm making each member a hemp necklace with earthtone beads and a wooden cross pendant, since they're all very religious and I love them way too much.

I also decided that I'm going to take really desperate measures to get Zatchell Wayne to friend me on MySpace.
_

I called my Grandmother Mama and made plans to hang out with her on Wednesday and Thursday. That might sound weird, but really, it's what we're doing. She's awesome and she's pretty much my favorite person in the ENTIRE WORLD. So, I'm excited. I haven't seen her in way too long and I miss her way too much.
_

I've started reading again. I stopped reading for a very long time, not because I don't like it, but I just had no idea what to read. I read Anthony Rapp's memoirs cover to cover as soon as they came out, but that was only because they were his. After that I didn't read for a long time, until Kerri gave me some books. One is about the pursuit of a "good" vampire to save the life of his beloved from an ancient, heinous vampire. Another is about a Parisian lawyer who nearly gives up her career, husband, and child to be the submissive plaything of an abusive monstrosity of a man.

Both very interesting. I'm at the tail end of the vampire novel and I've finished the submission novel, and now I don't know what to read next. I don't want to stop reading because I really enjoy it when I actually have something to read other than magazine articles about Johhny Depp and my favorite bands.

I've been thinking that I should try out some murder mysteries or CSI/L&O type novels, cuz if I love the shows, I think I'm pretty much destined to like books based on the same premise.

[And as an aside, I've been considering writing a short story or something. Just to see how I do. I'm not quite sure what it would be about though. I just like to write in general and I happen to think I might have a knack for it.]
_

I'm thirsty.
_

I have to clean my room because Harlee is sleeping over tomorrow night, and well, my floor is covered in a rather large collection of extraneous bedroom clutter.

I hate cleaning my room. Especially when I could be doing something else, like not cleaning.
_

I guess I'm done then, all the recent events I can think of have now been accounted accordingly.

Oh! I'm a liar.

Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but Tom got me and him tickets to see the Daily Show live! OMG! AAAAHHH!! And if I have mentioned it, AAAAHHHH!! It never gets any less exciting.

And! I cut my hair. I took off like, 8 inches. Now it's short and curly and bouncy and cute and I love it.

And now... The End.

♥ Me.