MARMA-WHAT?!
Ha, I don't even know what this shitty comic is about but this guy has some pretty hilarious commentary. But don't take my word for it (har har), check it out!
OMG - My eardrum has RUPTURED!
Like literally, the thing burst.
An expert told me. A doctor, with a degree. He looked in my ear and said, "You ruptured your eardrum."
"What? You're blaming ME? I certainly didn't CHOOSE to rupture it. Perhaps you could have worded that more sensitively, you know, like, your eardrum ruptured. Like, it 'happened' to rupture."
He looked at me with a mixture of amusement, reserved professionalism and pity. And not the type of pity that one human being has for another. More like the type of pity one human being would have for an small, manic, inbred, shaking terrier. Maybe that was because my knuckles were turning white from holding onto the cold, tissuey office table, as if by somehow maintaining absolute stillness I could prevent any further damage. I don't know... when it ruptures, do you lose pieces of it as you go along? If you hit a speed bump in the road, do microscopic pieces spray out everywhere? Do larger parts dislodge and fall further down the rabbit hole that seems to be the human ear? Where do ruptured eardrums go? can they find their way home...
Sorry, I digress.
"Look Doc, when did it happen? And what do I do now? Do I need surgery"
"No, no, not a big deal at all. It'll grow back."
That was the last thing I expected him to say. So now I do what exactly? I wait for this thing to regenerate in my ear canal?! And why can I still hear? I mean, the hearing is bad, don't get me wrong. That's what brought me to the great institution known as the Virginia Hospital Center (where they charge you for parking - that's right, they charge you for parking as if you WANT to be there! As if it's the Kennedy Center and you're a big fan of the performing arts, only instead of performing arts it's something like abdominal surgery and instead of a mega-snotty mega arts venue it's a cold, sterile medical office and instead of wanting to be there you don't). Yeah, that's what brought me there in the first place. That underwater, dizzy feeling that surprisingly has not been healed by months of neglect, or doing that weird blowing thing where you plug your nose and practically give yourself an aneurism. You know, the thing your parents teach you to do on airplanes when you're little and the pressure is freaking you out and chewing gum isn't working.
I guess I said that out loud, because he said that last part might have been how it happened. Fuck.
Either that or all the head colds and general sickness.
Ah well, just another thing to deal with. I'm supposed to go see an ENT about it. That's an ear nose and throat doctor for all you generally well people who typically do not have to bother with such things. However, considering the current lay-off and my lack of insurance past March, it's bothersome that the ENT apt. is scheduled for March 26th. I guess I'll have to live with the knowledge of whatever this doctor finds, since treating it will be an improbability.
God bless the American healthcare system! And God bless my ear hole.
An expert told me. A doctor, with a degree. He looked in my ear and said, "You ruptured your eardrum."
"What? You're blaming ME? I certainly didn't CHOOSE to rupture it. Perhaps you could have worded that more sensitively, you know, like, your eardrum ruptured. Like, it 'happened' to rupture."
He looked at me with a mixture of amusement, reserved professionalism and pity. And not the type of pity that one human being has for another. More like the type of pity one human being would have for an small, manic, inbred, shaking terrier. Maybe that was because my knuckles were turning white from holding onto the cold, tissuey office table, as if by somehow maintaining absolute stillness I could prevent any further damage. I don't know... when it ruptures, do you lose pieces of it as you go along? If you hit a speed bump in the road, do microscopic pieces spray out everywhere? Do larger parts dislodge and fall further down the rabbit hole that seems to be the human ear? Where do ruptured eardrums go? can they find their way home...
Sorry, I digress.
"Look Doc, when did it happen? And what do I do now? Do I need surgery"
"No, no, not a big deal at all. It'll grow back."
That was the last thing I expected him to say. So now I do what exactly? I wait for this thing to regenerate in my ear canal?! And why can I still hear? I mean, the hearing is bad, don't get me wrong. That's what brought me to the great institution known as the Virginia Hospital Center (where they charge you for parking - that's right, they charge you for parking as if you WANT to be there! As if it's the Kennedy Center and you're a big fan of the performing arts, only instead of performing arts it's something like abdominal surgery and instead of a mega-snotty mega arts venue it's a cold, sterile medical office and instead of wanting to be there you don't). Yeah, that's what brought me there in the first place. That underwater, dizzy feeling that surprisingly has not been healed by months of neglect, or doing that weird blowing thing where you plug your nose and practically give yourself an aneurism. You know, the thing your parents teach you to do on airplanes when you're little and the pressure is freaking you out and chewing gum isn't working.
I guess I said that out loud, because he said that last part might have been how it happened. Fuck.
Either that or all the head colds and general sickness.
Ah well, just another thing to deal with. I'm supposed to go see an ENT about it. That's an ear nose and throat doctor for all you generally well people who typically do not have to bother with such things. However, considering the current lay-off and my lack of insurance past March, it's bothersome that the ENT apt. is scheduled for March 26th. I guess I'll have to live with the knowledge of whatever this doctor finds, since treating it will be an improbability.
God bless the American healthcare system! And God bless my ear hole.
I HATE HOLLYWOOD! ALDJFDLKAFJDLKJ!!!
Taken from Pajiba.com
What was I saying earlier? Oh yeah: Hollywood has moved from remaking anything they can find to remaking stuff that was either decent to begin with or cannot be improved. Case in point: 1984’s The Neverending Story, one of those weird and slightly dumb but ultimately amazingish flicks that’s rooted firmly in the hearts and minds of everybody who was a kid in the 1980s. Just a picture of Falcor the Luck Dragon, or that giant stone Oracle with wings and breasts and laser eyes, is enough to have you drowning in nostalgia like Atreyu’s horse in the Swamps of Sadness.
But oh, prepare to have that happy warm childhood memory crushed under the lazy heel of Warner Bros., which is prepping a remake of the film with Kennedy/Marshall and Leonardo DiCaprio’s company, Appian Way. Warners recently acquired rights to Michael Ende’s book, and they’re apparently intent on exploring some of the smaller plot nuances left out of the first film. (The movie actually only covers about half the novel, the rest of which was addressed in the deeply flawed The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter, which was so unwatchably bad it killed star Jonathan Brandis.) So yes, sure, there are things you can introduce in the new film that weren’t in the first. But why? The original movie is as great as it can be, meaning it’s cheesy and bizarre and so obviously shot in Germany and just way too trippy to be beat. Plus, come on, it’s a classic for a certain group of kids, a group that doesn’t want you screwing with something they used to love just to have a theatrical flop that barely makes back the investment on DVD. Just leave it alone, Warners.
And I'm adding this. This guy was emo before emo was cool. If it ever was.
Maybe that's why New Found Glory decided to do a cover? Ha. I actually dug this cover back in college. Aw hell, who am I kidding? I still do.
What was I saying earlier? Oh yeah: Hollywood has moved from remaking anything they can find to remaking stuff that was either decent to begin with or cannot be improved. Case in point: 1984’s The Neverending Story, one of those weird and slightly dumb but ultimately amazingish flicks that’s rooted firmly in the hearts and minds of everybody who was a kid in the 1980s. Just a picture of Falcor the Luck Dragon, or that giant stone Oracle with wings and breasts and laser eyes, is enough to have you drowning in nostalgia like Atreyu’s horse in the Swamps of Sadness.
But oh, prepare to have that happy warm childhood memory crushed under the lazy heel of Warner Bros., which is prepping a remake of the film with Kennedy/Marshall and Leonardo DiCaprio’s company, Appian Way. Warners recently acquired rights to Michael Ende’s book, and they’re apparently intent on exploring some of the smaller plot nuances left out of the first film. (The movie actually only covers about half the novel, the rest of which was addressed in the deeply flawed The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter, which was so unwatchably bad it killed star Jonathan Brandis.) So yes, sure, there are things you can introduce in the new film that weren’t in the first. But why? The original movie is as great as it can be, meaning it’s cheesy and bizarre and so obviously shot in Germany and just way too trippy to be beat. Plus, come on, it’s a classic for a certain group of kids, a group that doesn’t want you screwing with something they used to love just to have a theatrical flop that barely makes back the investment on DVD. Just leave it alone, Warners.
And I'm adding this. This guy was emo before emo was cool. If it ever was.
Maybe that's why New Found Glory decided to do a cover? Ha. I actually dug this cover back in college. Aw hell, who am I kidding? I still do.
TASTELESS. ABSOLUTELY TASTELESS.
Can't wait to see these guys at the Drafthouse on Sunday!
A Wench is a Wench
So Andy and I think it's hilarious to take misogynistic rap lyrics and put them into posh, olde-english prose. Here's my stab at NWA's "A Bitch is a Bitch." Or in this case, NWG's "A Wench is a Wench." LOLZ.
My goodness! I speculate that there is now one less disagreeable female occupying your concerns.
Allow me to offer my depiction of a particular type of female. A female whose character and attitude might be likened to an ailment. An aristocrat, if you will. However, in the view of NWA…
A wench is a wench
Whether my finances are in question or I am in possession of a large fortune
The tone and sound of my verbal communication is uninterrupted
It is important to note that not all associated with the fairer sex bare the ill title of “wench”
But all women are in possession of this affliction to some degree
I must reiterate the nature of this ailment, as it feeds on their temperament
It seizes hold of the females dwelling in this particular milieu
And renders them conceited and condescending; many even believing themselves superior to my person
Some of them are incited to ill-temper and some ignore my proclamations
But as one particular idiom proclaims, “If the footwear fits, outfit thyself with it”
It is unfortunate indeed that my accusations appear to cause hearing impairments
When I greet them, they do not respond in kind
Are you the type of individual in question?
Unsavory woman, consume fecal matter and depart this life!
Why? Because I am of the belief that a wench is a wench
You must be confused as to whom you are deeming unsavory, you diminutive maternal fornicator! I’m genuinely flabbergasted as to who you’re addressing, sir! Let me inform you, I am in no way a…. [Eazy E] Unsavory woman, eclipse thyself!
It is relatively easy to identify a seemingly upstanding lady who is only attempting to better her fortune
She is attractive but her gait is absurd
She is of better than average intelligence and possesses a shrewd wit
Ehem, unsavory woman, pay no heed to my steed!
You become aware of a young gentleman struggling to better his lot
And you immediately bid him adieu as he lacks a suitable stallion
I assume this is your reasoning; or perhaps menstruation is at hand and logic has departed from you!
Here here, expose the arrogant female in question to a trial
I would place my money on the likelihood that she enjoys humiliating the male gender in her leisure time
Upon completion of the trial, accuse her of said unsavory frivolities in a loud and brutish manner and observe her vexation at the depth of your profundity
It is for this reason that I proclaim “to hell with you”
It would be wise to adopt my position, and ferociously project said woman (posterior end first) into a hole in the earth
Because, as I am apt to say, a wench is a wench
“Why must I bare the ill title of wench?”
‘I did not leverage this accusation against you. If, perchance, you would consider this deity-forsaken ballad, the appropriate meaning would be revealed to you.”
“Disregard the ballad, for I am no wench!”
“Again, it was not I who adorned you with this most ignoble title”
“Eclipse thyself, wench!”
“Eclipse thyself! Do you fancy yourself to be royalty?”
“Eclipse thyself and fellate me, wench!”
I was once acquainted to a wench who was slapped
In truth, she was debased due to her ability to play me for a fool
As is typical of a wench, she befriended me before unceremoniously spreading lies amidst the general populace
On topics ranging from who was fornicating with whom to who was increasing in girth
Examine thy character, wench, according to my command!
Have you engaged in such behavior?
Nay, you fail to bat an eyelid
Believing instead that the repellant human waste you excrete is beyond reproach - thereby rendering its odor inoffensive (figuratively speaking)
It is fortunate for you that I have not imbibed mead or wine
Because were I to do so, I would fell you quickly
Then make swift entertainment of you
For you see, the men I associate with are of humble origin
In unison we proclaim, “Eclipse thyself, wench!”
I wonder, in what manner may I defile an already debased woman such as yourself
Ah, yes, ravage you before casting you away
For you see, I will not allow you to compromise my integrity
Why? As I have stated previously, a wench is a wench
[Narrator]
There you have it. A fitting portrayal of a wench. It would be prudent for you to consider whether or not this depiction is fitting of your own personhood. Do the following unflattering terms describe you? Odious! Soiled! Unyielding in your pursuit of financial gain! Of ill repute! Toffee-nosed! In possession of mock locks and plastic eye swathes! Yes, they most likely do. WENCH!
My goodness! I speculate that there is now one less disagreeable female occupying your concerns.
Allow me to offer my depiction of a particular type of female. A female whose character and attitude might be likened to an ailment. An aristocrat, if you will. However, in the view of NWA…
A wench is a wench
Whether my finances are in question or I am in possession of a large fortune
The tone and sound of my verbal communication is uninterrupted
It is important to note that not all associated with the fairer sex bare the ill title of “wench”
But all women are in possession of this affliction to some degree
I must reiterate the nature of this ailment, as it feeds on their temperament
It seizes hold of the females dwelling in this particular milieu
And renders them conceited and condescending; many even believing themselves superior to my person
Some of them are incited to ill-temper and some ignore my proclamations
But as one particular idiom proclaims, “If the footwear fits, outfit thyself with it”
It is unfortunate indeed that my accusations appear to cause hearing impairments
When I greet them, they do not respond in kind
Are you the type of individual in question?
Unsavory woman, consume fecal matter and depart this life!
Why? Because I am of the belief that a wench is a wench
You must be confused as to whom you are deeming unsavory, you diminutive maternal fornicator! I’m genuinely flabbergasted as to who you’re addressing, sir! Let me inform you, I am in no way a…. [Eazy E] Unsavory woman, eclipse thyself!
It is relatively easy to identify a seemingly upstanding lady who is only attempting to better her fortune
She is attractive but her gait is absurd
She is of better than average intelligence and possesses a shrewd wit
Ehem, unsavory woman, pay no heed to my steed!
You become aware of a young gentleman struggling to better his lot
And you immediately bid him adieu as he lacks a suitable stallion
I assume this is your reasoning; or perhaps menstruation is at hand and logic has departed from you!
Here here, expose the arrogant female in question to a trial
I would place my money on the likelihood that she enjoys humiliating the male gender in her leisure time
Upon completion of the trial, accuse her of said unsavory frivolities in a loud and brutish manner and observe her vexation at the depth of your profundity
It is for this reason that I proclaim “to hell with you”
It would be wise to adopt my position, and ferociously project said woman (posterior end first) into a hole in the earth
Because, as I am apt to say, a wench is a wench
“Why must I bare the ill title of wench?”
‘I did not leverage this accusation against you. If, perchance, you would consider this deity-forsaken ballad, the appropriate meaning would be revealed to you.”
“Disregard the ballad, for I am no wench!”
“Again, it was not I who adorned you with this most ignoble title”
“Eclipse thyself, wench!”
“Eclipse thyself! Do you fancy yourself to be royalty?”
“Eclipse thyself and fellate me, wench!”
I was once acquainted to a wench who was slapped
In truth, she was debased due to her ability to play me for a fool
As is typical of a wench, she befriended me before unceremoniously spreading lies amidst the general populace
On topics ranging from who was fornicating with whom to who was increasing in girth
Examine thy character, wench, according to my command!
Have you engaged in such behavior?
Nay, you fail to bat an eyelid
Believing instead that the repellant human waste you excrete is beyond reproach - thereby rendering its odor inoffensive (figuratively speaking)
It is fortunate for you that I have not imbibed mead or wine
Because were I to do so, I would fell you quickly
Then make swift entertainment of you
For you see, the men I associate with are of humble origin
In unison we proclaim, “Eclipse thyself, wench!”
I wonder, in what manner may I defile an already debased woman such as yourself
Ah, yes, ravage you before casting you away
For you see, I will not allow you to compromise my integrity
Why? As I have stated previously, a wench is a wench
[Narrator]
There you have it. A fitting portrayal of a wench. It would be prudent for you to consider whether or not this depiction is fitting of your own personhood. Do the following unflattering terms describe you? Odious! Soiled! Unyielding in your pursuit of financial gain! Of ill repute! Toffee-nosed! In possession of mock locks and plastic eye swathes! Yes, they most likely do. WENCH!
I'm a HEARTBREAKAH! LOVE TAKAH!
from swimmer 2424
to L D
subject Re: craigslist?....
Lauren, hows it going? We only saw each other like an hour ago, thought I'd write anyway. I might have come across a little nervous, yeah, it was my first online dating thing, so I didn't know what to expect. I had fun though, you seem cool and fun to talk to...at least when some random dude isnt striking up converstaions with us at a bar. Non-profit's cool, and you've got a saucey outlook. And you're cute, so that's always a good thing. You want to get together for something else? I wont wear a sweatshirt you hate (well at least i wont wear this one).
- dan
from swimmer 2424
to L D
subject Re: craigslist?....
ok,
maybe i'll see you around sometime. i kind of hope not though. you're trying so hard to be unlike everyone else, but it shows too much, and in turn, you end up just like all the other girls. worrying about clothes a guy wears, how much money he makes, what music he listens to....it's just exhausting thinking about how different you're trying to be, but in reality you are exactly like the others. keep rocking the retro vans...that's what sets you sooooooo apart from all the other girls. keep rocking that angle, i'm sure you'll find a sucker or two. good luck with everything in the future, i hope you find what you're looking for.
from L D
to swimmer 2424
subject Re: craigslist?....
Haha, dude, get over it. I didn't want to go on a second date with you. You'll live. I assure you.
to L D
subject Re: craigslist?....
Lauren, hows it going? We only saw each other like an hour ago, thought I'd write anyway. I might have come across a little nervous, yeah, it was my first online dating thing, so I didn't know what to expect. I had fun though, you seem cool and fun to talk to...at least when some random dude isnt striking up converstaions with us at a bar. Non-profit's cool, and you've got a saucey outlook. And you're cute, so that's always a good thing. You want to get together for something else? I wont wear a sweatshirt you hate (well at least i wont wear this one).
- dan
from swimmer 2424
to L D
subject Re: craigslist?....
ok,
maybe i'll see you around sometime. i kind of hope not though. you're trying so hard to be unlike everyone else, but it shows too much, and in turn, you end up just like all the other girls. worrying about clothes a guy wears, how much money he makes, what music he listens to....it's just exhausting thinking about how different you're trying to be, but in reality you are exactly like the others. keep rocking the retro vans...that's what sets you sooooooo apart from all the other girls. keep rocking that angle, i'm sure you'll find a sucker or two. good luck with everything in the future, i hope you find what you're looking for.
from L D
to swimmer 2424
subject Re: craigslist?....
Haha, dude, get over it. I didn't want to go on a second date with you. You'll live. I assure you.
Brit-Dave just sent this gem to American Express.
I'm not sure what happened to prompt it...
Obamamania
So Meagan and Glen and I are sitting here in mi casa as I type, watching the inauguration. Obama's speech was good. Now they're all parading down the street and we're eating cookies in the comfort of a warm living room. Beats being there amongst freezing masses. Obama's about to go on some 2 hour parade down the street to the White House. Let's hope he doesn't pop his head out the top of "the beast" reinforced limo/tank that's carrying him about. I'm pretty sure that's how Kennedy died...
Anywho, all this pomp and circumstance has been relatively hillarious. Biden awkwardly spent a good few minutes fingering a crystal bowl for the camera (given to him "from the American people " - why you're welcome, Biden). Then some dude gave a speech at the end of the beginning proceedings in which he literally said "now the red man can get ahead, man, and the yellow man can be mellow, man" ....
Wow. Change is already here.
Anywho, all this pomp and circumstance has been relatively hillarious. Biden awkwardly spent a good few minutes fingering a crystal bowl for the camera (given to him "from the American people " - why you're welcome, Biden). Then some dude gave a speech at the end of the beginning proceedings in which he literally said "now the red man can get ahead, man, and the yellow man can be mellow, man" ....
Wow. Change is already here.
IMG_2602
N'Awlins pics have been succesfully uploaded to my Flickr accunt - for anyone who wants to see me vs. the green devil, beautiful old buildings, cemeteries a la Soookehhh, a trophy case of boys, or Svet sleeping!