AidsWalk NY
Sunday I'm doing Aids Walk New York and since Livejournal is one of the places left I haven't placed this link...
http://aidswalknewyork2008.kintera…
If you can afford it, please go there to donate what you can afford. The money goes to a couple of terrific groups providing education, testing, health services, legal services, etc. to those who need it.
Thanks for any help you can give. Or do it to motivate my sister and me on the six mile walk :)
http://aidswalknewyork2008.kintera…
If you can afford it, please go there to donate what you can afford. The money goes to a couple of terrific groups providing education, testing, health services, legal services, etc. to those who need it.
Thanks for any help you can give. Or do it to motivate my sister and me on the six mile walk :)
(no subject)
I can't believe Heath Ledger is dead. I wonder how long until it sinks in. I wonder how wrong it is that I feel this a lot more than the death of my grandfather. Honestly, I just didn't know him that well and this I can feel intimately as a loss to the world... I'm a horrible person.
A Knight's Tale is not really that good a movie. Maybe I should have just watched Brokeback Mountain again. But I was sad enough. The video store didn't have Cassanova which is what I was really looking for. You can see Ledger's promise even in this though...
A real update tomorrow maybe. Right now I just want to talk about Heath Ledger. Going back to finish this movie and go to sleep.
A Knight's Tale is not really that good a movie. Maybe I should have just watched Brokeback Mountain again. But I was sad enough. The video store didn't have Cassanova which is what I was really looking for. You can see Ledger's promise even in this though...
A real update tomorrow maybe. Right now I just want to talk about Heath Ledger. Going back to finish this movie and go to sleep.
(no subject)
My feet hurt. Walking 8 miles a day after being so lazy lately is...hard. I am not going running in the morning as planned but I will run tomorrow night and the following morning. I'm going to start doing that and I'm going to fix my sleep schedule somehow. And I'm going to take advantage of a weekend in the apartment to clean.
Uuuuugh, know when you have money in your pocket burning a hole? I have something in my closet burning a hole. I wish Jess would call me. If I don't hear from her in two weeks Alexis or some other interested party is getting invited over.
Uuuuugh, know when you have money in your pocket burning a hole? I have something in my closet burning a hole. I wish Jess would call me. If I don't hear from her in two weeks Alexis or some other interested party is getting invited over.
(no subject)
I'm supposed to go to a filming of The Daily Show on the 15th with my sisters and my father...but the strike's not over. I'd love to go, but the thought of crossing a picket line is kind of killing me.
(no subject)
Hypothetical question. And those few of you who can guess who this refers to will probably say I'm dumb but i'm just looking for a general opinion.
Had a friend. Good friend, with issues. Stopped being friends, due to her issues and at her prompting. But I know one of her issues is thinking that she has no one who cares about her. And I also know January is the beginning of a serious of hard months for her, starting with her birthday.
I was considering sending an unsigned card. Possibly a gift, but maybe just a card. Pretty sure she doesn't want to hear from me, and she can therefore attribute it to whoever she wants, but just as a reminder that there are people out there thinking of her and caring about her well-being. Thoughts? Creepy? Bad idea? I don't know. I feel like I at the very least would like to send a card. Because I met her family and they're pretty decent but I recall them forgetting important events in the past and as much as we are very much not friends and probably never will be again, I think she is ultimately a decent person and if she felt that she mattered to people it might help her out.
Had a friend. Good friend, with issues. Stopped being friends, due to her issues and at her prompting. But I know one of her issues is thinking that she has no one who cares about her. And I also know January is the beginning of a serious of hard months for her, starting with her birthday.
I was considering sending an unsigned card. Possibly a gift, but maybe just a card. Pretty sure she doesn't want to hear from me, and she can therefore attribute it to whoever she wants, but just as a reminder that there are people out there thinking of her and caring about her well-being. Thoughts? Creepy? Bad idea? I don't know. I feel like I at the very least would like to send a card. Because I met her family and they're pretty decent but I recall them forgetting important events in the past and as much as we are very much not friends and probably never will be again, I think she is ultimately a decent person and if she felt that she mattered to people it might help her out.
(no subject)
I'm so lost. I could be considered privledged, (and not, depending on the definition, but still). And I'm always so conflicted about what to do. Everyone wants me to finish college. Will that ever really help *anyone* at all? And if not, what the fuck and I meant to do? Should I just quit my job and see how much money I can round up and try and be a freegan and a bum and do volunteer work? I think I could do it now. Fuck, New Orleans is still a fucking mess. There's plenty of places here. Or...I don't even know. Today was the first day of Kwanzaa, which makes me crazy conflicted about what my parents are doing to my brother as far as culture goes. Yeah we're helping him with Kwanzaa but how interesting is it that he won't see a single person of color during any of our celebration of Kwanzaa. Yeah, he's six and delayed but...
it's too late to muse on all this but I'm just pissed, as usual, about the state of the world. What liberals ignore. Who has power and how that shapes everything (how many times have you learned about the holocaust? how many times have you really learned, to the same extent, about the true treatment of slaves, the Japanese internment camps, the genocide of the Native Americans. Have you ever really learned ANYTHING about any foreign country other than Europe? etc.)
I can't coherently work through this stuff right now. It's just kind of rage and confusion and.....and then sometimes I just retreat into staying at home, numbing my mind to certain things and enjoying the company of my cat. Now I just need to figure out how to find a place in the world, do something useful, and still find that minor time to just have some enjoyment in life.
it's too late to muse on all this but I'm just pissed, as usual, about the state of the world. What liberals ignore. Who has power and how that shapes everything (how many times have you learned about the holocaust? how many times have you really learned, to the same extent, about the true treatment of slaves, the Japanese internment camps, the genocide of the Native Americans. Have you ever really learned ANYTHING about any foreign country other than Europe? etc.)
I can't coherently work through this stuff right now. It's just kind of rage and confusion and.....and then sometimes I just retreat into staying at home, numbing my mind to certain things and enjoying the company of my cat. Now I just need to figure out how to find a place in the world, do something useful, and still find that minor time to just have some enjoyment in life.
(no subject)
As always, I wanted to write something earlier today. And when I sit down to do it, it's gone.
This journal is the most inaccurate chronicle of my life ever, actually. There's huge gaps, even in the bad stuff. Did I honestly never write about the arrest? The minor nervous breakdown after? How how cops are *constantly pulling me over* now? I don't know what it is. It's very strange. I never wrote that I turned 25. That I moved an hour away from my job and my family, which is worse than moving far because they still expect constant interaction.
So I guess a general update and maybe I'll try again to use this...
I am very _even_ right now. That's the only possible way to describe it. I think it's the drugs. But when I have a bad day, I tend to forget about it if it doesn't effect something else longterm or I don't write it down. I know I had some shitty days lately but they were apathy. That's what I'm struck with so completely now in a lot of ways. And I get that on my own sometimes. It's just lack of inspiration. And I don't completely have that either. I've recently fallen into a period of wanting to emerse myself in everything again. But the apathy towards school and the job. Not even school so much, my one class is good. But protocal and getting the things done that I need to do in order to get credits and graduate.
But I do feel numbish a lot of the time. I haven't properly cried in so long. And some people would say that's good but I miss it. The good kind of crying. It was only a few months ago when I was out of control a bit in that department. Crying in public at work in the arms of friends is not really a good thing. But a good cry at home over something is cathartic.
Was talking to someone about drinking and drugs. I think I might be doing more drinking because of the numb. But also because as fucked up as this might sound, I think it helped me out a lot. I didn't really start drinking too much until right before I was on my meds so I can't really credit certain things with helping but... whatever, the cliche, drinking as a social lubricant. It's not untrue. And I really don't get drunk out with people. This actually isn't even an important issue because I'm not having any drinking problems right now.
Probation for a year sucks. And not even having been called by my probation officer yet makes it worse becasue basically, I don't know how this works. I mean, cool, I'll be off probation on my birthday. And every day s/he doesn't call brings me one day closer to getting through probation with no repercussions. But it makes me nervous. Or...it makes me mentally nervous but I haven't really felt nervous about things lately.
My major emotions lately are apathy and anxiety. And even the anxiety is mostly gone. I'm starting to get back into the things that gave me real joy, and I'm still able to feel that. I've been seeing a lot of wonderful movies lately. I'm just not sure what I want to do about this drug thing. Even the xanax seems to do nothing now. Yeah I haven't felt awful but I let a lot of people make me feel awful for a long time. And they're gone now. And I missed them and worried about them for a while. But that's over now too. I don't want them dead, I still think they could be good people, but I recognize that they were not letting me help them do that, so that's that. If they asked for my help, I'd be there because I care about them but I'd have a detatchment I didn't have before from the whole group of them. I lost even more trust in people, and that's the saddest part. I liked that I had friends other people thought were shit and I could honestly say, I KNOW they're good people who haven't been given a chance to even realize it themselves. And then the others who everyone knew and loved, and now I feel like I was just completely wrong about them. That they're fake or even just too young and immature, but I still let them hurt me. That's part of why I moved an hour away. I wanted it to be hard for me to try to be friends with them again. I know I give second chances too easily and forget things I've learned because I don't care about myself as much as I care about other people. So now there's this distance so maybe I'll just move on. Which I had actually done fine without the distance, but it helped symbolicly.
Okay I got distracted by an amazing chat with Valerie, as of now my new best friend. Which we can go into further but it has to do with shared drug histories, impeneratrable sexualities, a love of deep philosophical fantasy, a chance to get her into Kabuki, the fact that we haven't talked this much in forever and she's a really thoughtful person and her complete lack of any sort of judgemental feelings towards almost anything. So I'll try to elaborate on that wonderful conversation and see where I left off before that.
Seeing Juno in the am with Meredith and Walmartopia with her, Nick and Justin in the pm.
I would like the approximately three people who read this that I know in real life to know that life is shitty and I appreciate when you're there for my shit and I hope you realize I am here for yours. And for those of you I don't know "irl," sometimes you give me more support than anyone, and sometimes I don't know you're reading until I get a random comment and I'm happily reminded that someone gets at least something I'm saying. And it's especially appreciated in my times of self-alienation because as much as I might not "need" anyone, I think I sometimes at the very least need to know that I am not an alien being from another planet or a genetic freak accident with no chance of ever really being able to understand humanity in any real way.
Imagine. This is how I write sober. I promise one drunk entry and one high entry to just to show the difference because I bet this reads like a high journal entry (with better spelling) of so many people.) Honestly. This is my probably. My thoughts are maybe coherent but there's 6 streams at once and I can't integrate them and I miss so much of each it no longer makes sense. But how do I decide what to save and what to ignore? Hell, that's a metaphor for my life almost anyway, I see 6 paths and I'm terrified to fully commit t any for what I might loose or regret in the end.
This journal is the most inaccurate chronicle of my life ever, actually. There's huge gaps, even in the bad stuff. Did I honestly never write about the arrest? The minor nervous breakdown after? How how cops are *constantly pulling me over* now? I don't know what it is. It's very strange. I never wrote that I turned 25. That I moved an hour away from my job and my family, which is worse than moving far because they still expect constant interaction.
So I guess a general update and maybe I'll try again to use this...
I am very _even_ right now. That's the only possible way to describe it. I think it's the drugs. But when I have a bad day, I tend to forget about it if it doesn't effect something else longterm or I don't write it down. I know I had some shitty days lately but they were apathy. That's what I'm struck with so completely now in a lot of ways. And I get that on my own sometimes. It's just lack of inspiration. And I don't completely have that either. I've recently fallen into a period of wanting to emerse myself in everything again. But the apathy towards school and the job. Not even school so much, my one class is good. But protocal and getting the things done that I need to do in order to get credits and graduate.
But I do feel numbish a lot of the time. I haven't properly cried in so long. And some people would say that's good but I miss it. The good kind of crying. It was only a few months ago when I was out of control a bit in that department. Crying in public at work in the arms of friends is not really a good thing. But a good cry at home over something is cathartic.
Was talking to someone about drinking and drugs. I think I might be doing more drinking because of the numb. But also because as fucked up as this might sound, I think it helped me out a lot. I didn't really start drinking too much until right before I was on my meds so I can't really credit certain things with helping but... whatever, the cliche, drinking as a social lubricant. It's not untrue. And I really don't get drunk out with people. This actually isn't even an important issue because I'm not having any drinking problems right now.
Probation for a year sucks. And not even having been called by my probation officer yet makes it worse becasue basically, I don't know how this works. I mean, cool, I'll be off probation on my birthday. And every day s/he doesn't call brings me one day closer to getting through probation with no repercussions. But it makes me nervous. Or...it makes me mentally nervous but I haven't really felt nervous about things lately.
My major emotions lately are apathy and anxiety. And even the anxiety is mostly gone. I'm starting to get back into the things that gave me real joy, and I'm still able to feel that. I've been seeing a lot of wonderful movies lately. I'm just not sure what I want to do about this drug thing. Even the xanax seems to do nothing now. Yeah I haven't felt awful but I let a lot of people make me feel awful for a long time. And they're gone now. And I missed them and worried about them for a while. But that's over now too. I don't want them dead, I still think they could be good people, but I recognize that they were not letting me help them do that, so that's that. If they asked for my help, I'd be there because I care about them but I'd have a detatchment I didn't have before from the whole group of them. I lost even more trust in people, and that's the saddest part. I liked that I had friends other people thought were shit and I could honestly say, I KNOW they're good people who haven't been given a chance to even realize it themselves. And then the others who everyone knew and loved, and now I feel like I was just completely wrong about them. That they're fake or even just too young and immature, but I still let them hurt me. That's part of why I moved an hour away. I wanted it to be hard for me to try to be friends with them again. I know I give second chances too easily and forget things I've learned because I don't care about myself as much as I care about other people. So now there's this distance so maybe I'll just move on. Which I had actually done fine without the distance, but it helped symbolicly.
Okay I got distracted by an amazing chat with Valerie, as of now my new best friend. Which we can go into further but it has to do with shared drug histories, impeneratrable sexualities, a love of deep philosophical fantasy, a chance to get her into Kabuki, the fact that we haven't talked this much in forever and she's a really thoughtful person and her complete lack of any sort of judgemental feelings towards almost anything. So I'll try to elaborate on that wonderful conversation and see where I left off before that.
Seeing Juno in the am with Meredith and Walmartopia with her, Nick and Justin in the pm.
I would like the approximately three people who read this that I know in real life to know that life is shitty and I appreciate when you're there for my shit and I hope you realize I am here for yours. And for those of you I don't know "irl," sometimes you give me more support than anyone, and sometimes I don't know you're reading until I get a random comment and I'm happily reminded that someone gets at least something I'm saying. And it's especially appreciated in my times of self-alienation because as much as I might not "need" anyone, I think I sometimes at the very least need to know that I am not an alien being from another planet or a genetic freak accident with no chance of ever really being able to understand humanity in any real way.
Imagine. This is how I write sober. I promise one drunk entry and one high entry to just to show the difference because I bet this reads like a high journal entry (with better spelling) of so many people.) Honestly. This is my probably. My thoughts are maybe coherent but there's 6 streams at once and I can't integrate them and I miss so much of each it no longer makes sense. But how do I decide what to save and what to ignore? Hell, that's a metaphor for my life almost anyway, I see 6 paths and I'm terrified to fully commit t any for what I might loose or regret in the end.
We'll drink a cup of kindness yet for times gone by.
New Years Day factoid because we ask this every New Years Eve and never answer it.
Auld Lang Syne is an old Scottish song and the title means "times gone by" or "days long past".
We'll drink a cup of kindness yet for times gone by.
Auld Lang Syne is an old Scottish song and the title means "times gone by" or "days long past".
We'll drink a cup of kindness yet for times gone by.
(no subject)
I'm siiiiick.
I haven't been sick like this in years. I had to just call out for a double at work. They're never going to let me have doubles again. Fuck.
I haven't been sick like this in years. I had to just call out for a double at work. They're never going to let me have doubles again. Fuck.