I'm not entirely sure what is up. Havn't slept much, havn't been tired. And yet i take a breath and exaustion rolls in. i sit i look the world seems such a horrible place sometimes. Those people, the self rightous looks, the morronic dare with cars. Car+person= BIG FUCKIN OUCH. Sometimes i can see te good things to come, the dreams realized, the hearts secure and safe inside that warm glow of content eyes. Other times i see noting but the same crap we live with day to day, we try, these pieces we try to hold together, we know this should be, we try and try to make it that fuckin way. stumble, tumble, trip fall in and out of this thing we call life, turn around face it down, watch it all start again. Watch those worlds you created, the stability you were fated, become nothing more than another illusion of safty without the net. escape this reality and enter the space whhere nothing is, just the tought that yo've fought for so long. slip slide rip and hide back into the world that wants nothing more than your worth in body mind and soul. value no longer applies to the person but to the thing. a tear in the dark means nothing if no one sees it, so what is it when it is directly in front of you? Smile and play nice otherwise back back back down into that hole that is so hard to climb out of. Smile and nod, agree and take it as they lie strait to your face and slide it right under that rib, pierce twist and smile "have a nice day". at what point do we stop... look them strait in the eye and stab right fuckin back. limp, lie, win, no tie is te best ting we can hope for as we crawl to the next to revive the failing safty. to repair the broken ideas, hopes. snuggle up close so they can get it in deep. grin and bear it until the price is to steep. what are you worth anyway? not to much i hope, in thier eyes dirt because they pay the Bill. But learn to talk sweet and lie to thier faces and quickly get out of these stupid rat races. work hard and honest, and you can pull out the shiv as they send you away and don't care how you live. . . .
can't seem to focus on anything, teeth grating tension won't easy up for some reason. everything seems so simple and yet so GOD DAMN hard right now i can think of it i can look at it i can know how to do it but the act just won't work i try and it just... slips away, frustration, annoance, regardless seems like i sit here wanting to talk or chat to someone exactly when absolutly no one is around, awake, etc. wish there was still a pearl, denny's, pennylane where i could go run into someone when these urges hit but still don't even know that i would talk with them but worth the try right. but alas there is no such place anymore.
Noticed the other day i look the same in every picture i know is being taken of me i have the same look and the same reaction. maybe i'm wrong. WHY can i sit here typeing this but can't fuckin do the things i should be. horrid headaches, random body aches that occasionally bring me to curling up in a ball, whats new, been worse lately though. i'm going to go smoke now and try to do something.
barely at times. I have been here and there and fuckin everywhere. my life is one big fucked up stress for time. even when i have "nothing" to do i've got a fuckin LIST of shit to do. So generally my days are just fuckin stressful. I live days to fuckin day from one stress to the next. money constant stress, work another. for any that don't know i've been laying tile for this guy, pretty alright gig but not enough. everytime i turn around i've got no money and bills pileing back up. I've got my own car now... yeah gets 40 to the gal. so at least it costs less.
I've got the tile mon-fri when i've got it. the church cleaning on sat. websites left and right whenever i can. a box i'm modding. more and more DVDs to rip. so many other things that i won't even get into. and i'm just always distressed and feeling like i'm loosing my mind. i did this a few times before and everytime i end up just snapping at a point. I'm actually not supposed to be writeing here anymore "you have plenty to tell everyone else but never talk to me" granted thats changed a lot but still no use bringing it back up so don't expect any speedy responce or such. maybe all of this is just me bitching at the moment. maybe i just needed to tell someone and don't think anyone really wants to hear it.
Most days i feel like a friend of conveniance. Only come to mind when i suit those needs or show up in the same area. i'm not saying i want phone calls everyday since frankly i probably wouldn't answer, but would always check the message to see what they need/want/say. ... yeah anyway can't focus, to much to do. can't relax, to much to think about. can't stop, to much stress. can't seem to calm the fuck down. want all these things. want everything to work the fuck out. want my family to get there shit together. want to feel like more than a domesticated husband constantly trying to make things work and takeing the stress of everything. do do do more more more oh and this and this and this and if your not busy .... attempt sleep... repeat. wish for things that won't happen. I love my lil dude but the stress of the scream is just a bit much at times. i love my girl but at times i wish she would relax just a hair and look at things from a step back . .. maybe i'll post some more at some point soon. no promises.
alright so i know i haven't been around pretty much at all lately except game of course. so heres what ha been going on in CaT land. i have a job.. not the best paying but steady so thats better than nothing with with a flooring place that is FUCKIN HUGE talking hundreds of guys grabbing the supplies in the morning. so basically i wake up before the sun drag my ass out of bed find the coffee and the morning stuffs then smoke get in the car and leave round 5:45 am to be out there (where ever there is that day) by around 6. blah blah lay tile blah blah manual labor, blah blah oh it's 3ish time to go home. then i come home lucky if i do something before i pass out eat watch something and pass out again wake up go to bed. yeah ... thats pretty much it. on sat. i clean a church. so i guess techinically i have two jobs. but wait there is more. as of this sun. another job will be starting and rolling on top of the current one for about a week. so on top of the stuff up there then after one i will drag my happy ass downtown and be laying tile there for around 4-5 hours then going to my comped room and passing the fuck out to do it all again the next day. For anyone out there that might be thinking "you're nuts" well yes but i thought you knew that already. the simple fact is i have a lot of catching up to do bills wise and my 6-3 job just isn't going to cut it fast enough. which leads me to the next thing last week mon. broadband got cut off, so then i was on dialup (actually had to find a modom and install it but hey it works) then a few days later the AOL account i've had for ... way to long got finally shut down. EricTcrow is officially DEAD (for now) so for all of you out there that may want to leave me some email now and then or ATTEMPT (i stress this because i'm not on NEARLY as much until i get broadband payed up, and besides working now) to chat with me my new AOL screenname (temperarily) is EricTcrow7 yeah yeah i know very creative huh. so yeah i guess that bout it for the moment. Love to all of you and for those that are going through some hard shit (you know who you are) stop take a deep breath and realize things will get better one way or another.
so let me begin this story where i should ... the begining sun. night/mon. morning i leave game at 1am to begin my drive up the mountain for and hour and half knowing that i have to wake up at 5-6 in the AM i get my happy half asleep ass up the mountain as fast as i can. i make record time turning a normally hour and a half to hour 45 drive into a 1 hour drive rock on more sleep for me. feeling a little bit sickish but attribute that to smoking to damn much. try to get to sleep on a leather fuckin couch. now for those that have never slept on a leather couch imagine sleeping on skwishy concreat. it hold the cold right there under you so instead of the blanket keeping you warm it keeps you slightly warmer than room temp. in other words sleep is hard, on top of that theres the damn clock. Those that don't know me to this level, let me splain, the ticking of a clock annoies the hell out of me because it makes my mind pay attention to it. Now if i have to deal i can make it a rythem and slowly drown it out, but no such luck here this one does keep a nice steady tick so ... grrr. i barely sleep but whatever i've worked on less sleep also hopeing that i can get someone else to drive so i might catch a nap on the way up (the 2 hours it takes to get to aspen from where i was) no such fuckin luck. wake up at 6 and we are already going to be late so we try to rush out the fuckin door no un occupied batrooms so i gotta pee and i can't. blah blah rush rush out the door to drive for two hours, alone. no prob i got my mp3 disks and charged batteries time to zone to the tunes and head out. on the road spend $20 to fill the tank and we are gone. on the road finally settle in a bit and hit play i get through ONE song and the batteries die. grr ok fine radio. now for those that don't know the radio stations up there SUCK ASS. your choices are... country (eh but no.) folk (err) or crappy talk radio. crappy errrrrr. driven driven driven ok dead fuckin stop not even 15 minutes from our destination. and we SIT for 45 fuckin min. in this time i try every set of batteries every combination of batteries trying to get anything more than crapp goddamn mountain music. NOPE i got 30 sec. of one song for all my efforts. we get there we take lunch because it is already 11 and we were suposed to be there at 8 ... yeah. so we go to the job boss man that hired us now showing another guy around. i don't think much of it since they are suposed to have 20 tile setters on this damn job(yes that big) but when he shows him the room that was going to be next on our list i get a BAD feeling. so after a bit he walks on over and asks if donnie is lenn.(for the very few that don't know i work with him a lot good friend and x brother in law) when he says no the head goes down and i see that dreaded "i have bad news but i don't want to be the one to break it" face. then the stomach drops and i think it's time to smoke. so lenn walks in they talk me and donnie go outside and smoke. long and the short of it... no we didn't get canned but no it was VERY bad these mother fuckers are so damned picky we would probably end up paying them. so we deside to leave the damn job. just about as bad as getting canned. we pack up and after standing there for 3 hours we turn around to leave for the 2 hours back down. crap shouldn't have spent the money i already did. by this time i'm feeling FUCKING sick. i'm talking seriously sick deliriously sick and the lack of sleep doesn't help at all. we have a "meeting" to deside where we are going and what the hell we are doing. think it's all figered out i go to head home hopefully before i end up to fuckin delirious to drive anymore. even at this point i've been in the damn car for 7 hours. i start down the damn mountain with half a tank of gas and tunes. thinking things suckass but at least i get to sleep at home tonight. cruising and then i see the sign for golden (where i turn to come to boulder) cool i didn't miss it this fuckin time. i get off and poof enter fuckin two lane mountain road ok whatever as long as i get where i need to be. so i'm going and going twisty turny which is rather interesting when things look like they did. not seing any signs and shit i should already be in fuckin golden by now... next thing i know poof i'm in blackhawk. long long long annoing story short and sweet fuckin tailgating asshole mountain folk annoying stupid ass fuckin tourists from texas that take the ENTIRE road at 15-25 mph NO GODAMN SIGNS to let you know if your even still on the same road your were on if you even know the name of that street your on deleriously ill RAIN (nice actually) and not being able to see barly anything between the breaklight the rain and the SUV lights and feeling rather hopeless as i watch the gas gauge dwindle slowly down and realize if i don't make it somewhere before it hits empty i'm sleeping in the damn car till morning at least since I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I AM. so all of that SUCKED FUCKIN ASS and i finall roll into boulder two and a half hours after i left to make a total of ... 9 and a half hours in the car for a trip to not get paid get no sleep and feel like crap by the time i get home. .... yeah bad day.
so i won't rant to much... yet. Just fill you people in on where i dissapeared to if you don't already know. last wed. went to court for my brakes failing to work one night and blah de blah short and sweet of it is $500 if i don't come back with insurance tomarrow at 8:30 so yes that is taken care of and we shall see what happens. I got home to a message of "we got work pack your shit you need to be up here (brekenridge) tonight to work in the morning in aspen. so i start loosing my mind and poof i'm packing and try to get insurance for the next few hours. remember this is my typical warning if it's not leaving within 24 hours it usually doesn't happen. so up i went and spent last thur-sat working on a grand hiat up in aspen laying tile that to say the least was a BITCH. and came back down sat night for my sun. off and then back up sun. night which at least half the people that read this already know. then began one of the worst days i've had in a long time. but thats another post so it shall wait for now... that where i've been.
And for all of you lovely people i have a bit of a treat ... well thats for you to deside but here it is, a "world" debute of a Kitty CaT original sounds coming at you through the help of a little bit of imagination and these wires that criss cross our land just for you and your loved ones the sounds of a strange generation. The first ever release of (chosen at random) The CaT coming at ya with the sounds of Tandom a not so new musical work of yours truely the kitty CaT now download it HERE!! and hear the music that spills out of my brain on occasion. tell me what you think and just remember it's not exactly polished up so... maybe i'll start making this a weekly event releaseing some bits of the music i have created for your listening pleasures.
So it sounds like it could be very interesting or it could drive me nuts but either way lets have some fun and see what you people really think... plus a few kitty ideas added in
Answer the following questions in an anonymous comment. (everyone pleeeassee)
1)Why are we friends? (Not any specific because this happened our freshman year and such, more or less what do we have in common, what do I do for you or do you do for me that makes us friends?)
2) How long have we known eachother?
3) What was your first impression of me? and looking back how did it change?
4) Tell me what you really think about me. I mean talk about me the way you talk about me when I'm not around. Be completely honset. What do you really think of me?
5) Tell me something you absolutely hate and cannot stand about me.
6) Tell me one thing that you love me for.
7) Tell me one physical thing you think is beautiful about me.
8) In 5 words describe me.
9) Knowing what you know of me what do you think i should change about myself or my life?
10) Ask me three questions, no matter how personal or rude I have to answer them.(As soon as you've seen my reply, comment so I can screen the answers if I so choose. Don't forget to check back since you won't be getting an e-mail saying I've replied to your comment.)
I warned you i may be posting a bit with to much time on my hands just took a while to get around to it so now i have to make up for it.
So i just got through with a ranting email bitching up a storm to ebay because they had the nerve to send me a "suspension notice due to unauthorized access" which is pretty damn amazing if someone got into my account considering it's been suspended for over a year now and i haven't been able to get the dick heads to admit i am me. so if i didn't respond to this email by updating my account within 24 hours they would terminate the account. well you know i can't particularly change account info when I CAN'T ACCESS it. so i figured what the hell do i have to loose and let loose on some poor unsuspecting ebay help service person. anyway on with it right. some of you will be happy to note i will be posting a lot of the pics i have taken at game for your viewing pleasure hopefully be up by later this afternoon if all is well in the bored of his ass alone CaT land.
confused
exhausted
sick
bouncy
peaceful
