4 people with 2 much time on hand, and 6

Business Proposal....

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you ..

The girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.

The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money Very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what taken so long?

She said, "The bastard used quarters!"


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety, before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Wedding is a Suri thing

The long-feuding Cruise and Shields clans made peace this weekend with the surprise wedding of Suri Cruise and Grier Shields Henchy, who both turned 20 yesterday. The lavish lesbian ceremony was held on the grounds of John Travolta's Battlefield Earth Theme Park (formerly St. Patrick's Cathedral). But our spy, Webster Hall archeologist Baird Jones Jr., offered an exclusive account of the nuptials officiated by Pope Bono.

The brides wore matching white Wal-Mart Wang gowns trailed by 20-foot trains carried by miniature Chihuahuas, all descendants of Tinkerbell Hilton.

They exchanged rings - gifts from Oprah Winfrey, Omega Thetan IV, the peacemaker who brought Suri's dad, Tom Cruise, and Grier's mom, Brooke Shields, together to bury the hatchet in a very special "Oprah" Super Bowl LIX halftime show - the highest-rated program ever.

The happy couple met in a Beverly Hills prison, after Grier was arrested for peddling anti-depressants. Suri was in the next cell, recovering from an overdose of Zoloft. Two days later, Suri was trampolining on couches at the "Late Nights with Lindsay and Dina Lohan" show.

Tom Cruise said the wedding was "extraordinary!" "Amazing!" "She's an extraordinary woman!" and "Xenu-rific!" Katie Holmes was silent, as she has been for the past two decades.

Guests were disappointed, however, when the placenta puffs were gobbled up by an out-of control and uninvited Kirstie Alley (star of the reality hit "Nearly Dead From Advance Complications due to Type II Diabetes Actress"). Two paparazzi were killed by surface-to-air missiles (legal under Patriot Act 79) when their jetpacks drifted too close to the proceedings. Cruise-Henchy sold the exclusive photo rights to Jill Johnson, 12, who leads the MySpace rankings with 92 million friends. "This rulz, LOL!" Jill wrote.

Cruise-Henchy will honeymoon at Brokeback Mountain National Park, formerly Wyoming.

Sightings

CALL him a cougar hunter - Kal-el Cage leaving Sen. Tara Reid's party boat in the wee hours of the morning ... Rocco Ritchie and Sean Preston Spears Federline do their mamas proud by locking lips at MTV's 45th annual Video Music Awards ... At least a dozen of the confirmed 15 Jolie-Pitt children were seen buying 100 appetizers from '21' Club and giving them to the homeless, who, unaccustomed to the richness of foie gras poppers, mostly threw them right back up.

Just asking

WHICH aging lothario rates Apple Martin a "5," Lourdes Ciccone a "7" and Moses Martin a "9"? Naughty. . . WHAT pouty-lipped celebrity offspring is renouncing her American citizenship to run for president of Namibia? . . . WHICH poptart spawn was arrested for driving without a seatbelt for the third time this month? "Mom never strapped me in to car seats or high chairs, so I guess I just never got in the habit," he told our spy.

Isn't he Love-ly?

PROPS to Lawrence Cobain- he might only be 6, but he's sharp as a tack. When his granny Courtney Love lost consciousness at her Chelsea loft on Tuesday, the quick- thinking youngster - who's staying with Love while mom Frances Bean is honeymooning on the Icelandic Riviera with new hubby Wilmer Valderrama - calmly dialed 911 and administered CPR while waiting for an ambulance to arrive. Then, as she was being loaded in to a stretcher, the modest tyke delicately covered his granny's exposed bosom with a blanket. "You'd almost think he's done this before," said one impressed paramedic.

Parisopolous now

Paris Hilton III, grandaughter of the original post-millennial celubu-tard, was seen canoodling with Martian shipping heir Spiros Kyripoulos at the exclusive club Pancake in the Siliconpacking District.

"He's so hot," said Hilton Sr., back in the news because of her "One Night in Uranus" sex tape. "And Mars is so hot. The lava. It burns."

Hilton Sr. arrived with the newly refriended Nicole Richie, now just a feeble 32-pound head and the new face of Loréal.

The two are starring on "The Severely Simple Life of the Clinically Brain Dead 27," where they have to follow shiny objects with their eyes. The objects also make noises.

Richie really did look fantastic.

Hilton III glided in on her Maybach Segway and stayed only long enough to exchange smooches with the space-hunk before she had to catch a shuttle to Jayoncé's Sweet 16.

Our spy reports that daddy Z will be performing for his booty-ful daughter - coming out of retirement for the 17th time this year.

Red-faced Barron

RIGHT after being told "you're fired" by Sunglass Hut, Barron Trump's aggressive courtship of Violet Affleck screeched to a halt when the well-coiffed kid's AMEX card got shredded at Bungalow 12.

Apparently the elder Trump hadn't told his heir that he'd mortgaged Barron's entire portfolio and tapped out his son's credit to make payroll at the Taj, the fading Trump empire's sole real estate holding.

Donald, meanwhile, eagerly awaits the birth of his ninth child, Jesus Christ, by the loins of his Pakistani supermodel wife. His previous wife, Melania, was rendered immobile by a severely incapacitating Botox accident. Doctors say she swallowed yesterday - a good sign.

We hear...

THAT Jennifer Aniston insists she really is fine, definitely hopes to start a family this year ... THAT Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will enter their junior year at NYU in the fall ... THAT Derek Jeter IX, clone shortstop, making out with Miss Intergalactic after the Philadelphia Yankees' win over the Mexico City Marlins . . . THAT writers Raakhee Mirchandani, Eric Torbenson, Chris Erikson, Michael Kane, Mandy Stadtmiller, Maureen Callahan, Billy Heller and comedians Susie Felber, William K. Scurry III, Christian Finnegan, Andy Borowitz, Anthony DeVito and Leslie Gold put this page together.

Source

From my friends list, "I am now off to chain my husband to the bed, which I will not let him up from until I am pregnant. On the up side that means my house will stay clean."

Over heard at work "Why do I need a boyfriend? I have 8 rich gay friends."

Nicki's funny mom, Slipped and fell in the snow, while on her way down she farted and it stunk, thought "I hope no one comes to help me cause then they would smell my fart"

"hello, pot? this is kettle. YOU'RE BLACK!"

The two most common elements in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity

My friend Jason is a brain dead twit....
We both use People's bank and were at an ATM at the local supermarket. I was making a deposit and when I was finished I read (out loud) the last screen, "Thank you for using People's Bank".
Jason - "Dude, it talks now?"
Me - "What?"
Jason - "The ATM?"
Me (laughing) - "No I read it aloud"
Jason - "It sounded like it was comming from the ATM"

(my freinds are not exactly the smartest in the world)

Taken from mock_the_stupid posted by anvilchorus

My dad was a service manager for years at a dealership that catered mostly to
older drivers, back in the 80's. I recall this particularly funny conversation
he had:

W: Older Woman, apparently a new driver.
D: Dad

W: I
need to take my car in for service. I have a light on my dashboard that wont go
out.
D: Ok, Which light is it, is it your "check engine"?
W: I dont know
what the light is.
D: Well, does it say something? What does it look
like?
W: I cant tell. It looks like a little man with a rifle.
D:
......
W: Its a little man holding a rifle.

Dad puts the phone on
hold, laughs his ass off for a minute, then returns to the phone.

D: I
will wait here, go out to your car, and turn it on. Then put on your seat belt.
Tell me if the litlle man goes away.
W: (after a min or so) Yeah, hes
gone.

To her credit, the little guy does sorta look like he could be
carrying a rifle.

This is not about a particular person but of the state of Connecticut as a whole, particularly the DMV.

Today I was driving to the mall when I noticed that the motorcycle in front of me had a handicap plate. Why would someone who is handicap be on a motorcycle? To me that is like braile at a drive up ATM.

When watching a promo for NBC's new show "Hit me baby one more time" which is a new reality show where veteran hitmakers perform and compete.

Mom "I wonder if those guys who were singers and then found out they were faking it are gonna be on that? What was their name?"
Me "Milli Vanilli?"
Mom "Yea, them"
Me "I don't think so, one of them is dead"
Mom "Are you sure he is dead, or did someone else die and they only said it was him."

1 Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2 I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3 A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy"

4 I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5 Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6 I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7 My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8 Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9 A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!