Yeah, so I'm going on vacation this summer to Montana. I really hope it works out. I'm taking a tough math class this summer. Math 090. I go twice a week 3 hours a day. If I go on vacation, I'll miss 2 days, 6 hours of class. I don't know if I can pull it off and still survive. I'm still gonna try. The only thing that will kill me is if their's an exam during that week. I don't really care about my music class, or my body toning class as much. They were just to fill up space so I can keep working all summer.
Yeah, so during the summer I'm only getting payed once a month. It sucks for everyone, but I don't think it's that bad. My next paycheck after this one will be right before vacation. I KNOW! So, I'm gonna have over 600 bucks just to blow. I don't know if their's that much to blow it on in old Montana, but at best, I'll eat and drink well.
Motherfuckingshit! It seems like I just got out of school, now It's already time to go back. I wouldn't have minded taking the summer off, but I have to go to school to keep my on campus job. It's starting to get exhausting! When this semester ends, I'll have two or three weeks before I start again. I've got about 7 or 8 more years of this. Yep, I figure I have to get my PHD to make it in life. There's not a lot of work out there for blind people. Can you imagine, Dr. Nick!? "Hey everybody!" If I decide to do therapy, I think I'm gonna try some alternative methods, maybe scream therapy.
Never the less, I am going to become famous! I used to have a fear of death, especially when it was haunting me every day. Later on, I came to the conclusion that if someone's name lives on, they're not completely dead. Einstein, Morrison, Poe, their names will live on in our hearts and our minds forever! Does anybody know anything about their great grandparents? How about beyond them? Perhaps they are dead forever, living only in the after life which they have been destined. I'm going to live forever, death will find me, yet it can never get rid of me completely. And you can quote me!
My hair hasn't grown since I was 14. I had a mohawk and I let it grow out. I finally got sick of it. My friend cut his off a few years ago, and now he's almost got hair down to his ass. So I did it, I cut it all off. Nothing but razor knicks are up there. I look like a damn skin head. No, here's the best part. We didn't have sizors. We used a steak knife. Well, I'm going into hiding for the next year, until I can bare to show my dome again.
I finished my first semester of college. I don't know how, but I did it. I passed with a 2.5 GPA! That's a B, 2 Cs and a W (withdrawl). I shouldn't of gotten the second C, but he gave it to me anyway.
I started my new job right in the middle of finals. That was fun. Now I am afficially a first step advisor. If you enter FRCC you go through either me, or one of 3 other people.
Next semester I am taking English 121, Psychology 102, Math 030 and 060, and I am registered for private voice lessons. Yikes, don't you love it?
I'm supposibly going to school to be a writer. I think I'll let the actual writing kick in at the beginning of next year. My last English instructor suggested that I only take one writing course at a time. Might I add that English and Psychology both have a ton of writing. Here goes nothing!
Well , this is the second job I've been fired from. It wasn't for alcohol this time. Just calling in tooo many times. It's stupid, I met my roommate Tony there. He got fired after 15 infractions, I got fired after 6. I think they've been wanting to get rid of me for a while. Who wants a blind guy?
On the plus side, this will afford me more time for school. Have you ever just wondered what tommorow will bring?
I don't know why, but I just feal so lonely right now (sigh)
God came to me sometime ago. He told me, "Nick, I hate you!!" I said to him, "God, this is of little suprise to me, the life I have lived so far, but what does this mean, are you going to kill me? Will a bus come hit me tommorow?" "No my son" Answered God, "What it means is you must rely on me no more than you rely on yourself," "What do you mean God?" I asked with inquiry smeered across my face. "What it means is I'm leaving fate to you. You are now responsible for your own actions, you are the one who will chose which way your life will turn. You must rely souly on common sense and Carmatic law to get you through. Should you fail, you will be flat on your ass, much similar to how you were raised, succeed, and the sky is your limit." "God" I answered, "I already knew this. Be it weather you loved me or not, I still was in the same position, having you with me or not, I still only impacted from the choices I made. I already knew this father I alre.." "I know you already knew this" He responded, "That's why I hate you. You are the one person who can change the world for the better, yet nothing has happened."
He left, and at that point I realised, God or not, I was the reason everything happened. He didn't make me happy, I did. He didn't put me through school, I did. I realised God simply gave me hope. When i found my own soucrce for hope, i.e. myself, I no longer needed God to rely on, being able to do so for myself. Does that mean, in essense, I am one with God? Perhaps we are all connected. Perhaps, only the ones who have realised this can truly find bliss in not praying for help, when they only need to pray to one's self?
I have a fealing God is smiling down at me, saying, "My son, you have the right idea, yet how do you turn an idea into an action?"
Believe me, you know it's really a hard question when even God has to ask it...
Yeah, I've been going to school for three weeks now. I have five left in the summer. OK, ya got me, it's not real school. It's called, "The College Connection". It is an origonal expirament from the government. Yep, I'm one of 8 Ginn E pigs. Anyways, how it works is I go to school for about 4 hours a day. In it they cover Math, Reading and languages. From College level reading, to College level essays. I know it sounds hard, but it's fucking cake. their goal is to try to get us into the highest level of classes by this fall that we can. What's in it for me you ask?! There is an account just sitting there. It will be devided evenly to the students who finish the program. There's me, Joe, and and five girls *I know!* we already lost 2. More money for us. I am, by far, the best writer in class. I am in middle math. Half the class is in beginner (030) the other half is in high math (090) I am in 060.
No, so I leave at 11am every morning and don't come home from school and work until 1:30 am. These remaining hours are split between homework and sleeping, during a week I might get 4-6 hours of sleep a night. I made a choice, no more drinking during the week, AT ALL! I went 10 days without a sip of alcohol. I was so proud of myself. About 7 or 8 people showed up at my buddys house, eventually it came out, "Nick, buy some beer". I can't say no to peer presure, especially that many people knowing i had money. Long story short, I spent all my money on booz. I felt kindof ashamed of myself. I did something really cool. I went longer than I ever had, not by orders of the law, not for anyone, but me. I wasn't planning on quitting completely, it just felt good to tell people, "I'm 8 days sobor, I'm 10 days sobor!" All ended with one day. I can understand if you never can look me in the eyes again.
I am just wondering if school's gonna be like that for me. I'll try so fucking hard, I'll bust my ass, then one day, just one day I'll slip up, lose interest, maybe party, or just quit. Do I really have it in me?
I guess we'll just have to see.
Sincerely, The little (Engine/Drunk) that couldn't 8*(
this has indeed been an interesting month. My old buddy from school, Anthony, Killed himself. Last time I saw him was a few years back at his mother's funeral. His step dad killed himself some time later. He was the president of the North collorado chapter of the Sons of Silence. Me and my friend Sarah had to move our birthday party because my friend's mom's X BF killed himself at the propperty where we were gonna have it.
I'm about to turn 27. My friend Sarah has a poster of alot of dead people, that brought to my attention something. Jannis Japlin, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Jimmy Hendrix, and one of the Doobie brothers; What did they all have in common, besides being the great ones? They all died at the age of 27. Am I a great one? Does this mean i have to die? I definately wont kill myself, but what about accidents? Their's alot of buses, and I am part blind. If this is the end, I'll miss you all, but for what it's worth, I'll try to quit being so great. I've only written a few songs.
This is the end beautiful friend; This is the end of everything that stands, the end of our elaborate plans, the end Of everything that stands, the end I'll never look into you eyes, again Can you picture, what wil be so livedless and free desperately in need of some stranger's hand In this desperate land
I've been getting pretty bored with everything lately. All it's been lately is work work work. I've been going to the ocasional concert, but c'mon, it's just one night out of, what a month, three months? One of my best friends moved away. It's like the song says, you don't know what you got, 'til it's gone. I've kindof been thinking about planning a vacation. Maybe down to see her and her soon to be husband; maybe up to Oregan to see my brother; Maybe to washington to see my old friend Rachelle. Shit, mybe I'll just pick a state at random and go hangout in a place I know nothing about. Watch, I'll probably fall in love with it and never come back.
I need to find something to pass the time. Maybe I should get back into martial arts. I'll be starting school this summer. I want to do something exciting before then. Not just the same old one night of concerts. Do you ever just get bored of life? Maybe I need some pot so I'll just be too lazy to be bored.
