My Dog had Kittens

"Um, cat? Now that your pregnant, I think there are a few things you should know about puppies..."
"What's there to know? They can't be that different from kittens."
"Actually..."
"What?"
"Well, first of all, and don't get mad at me for this, they'll want to lick you, probably."
"So?"
"Well, dogs don't have dry tongues..."
"Are you trying to tell me I'll be covered with slobber?"
"It's...possible" dog flinched, waiting for the explosion.
"I don't like slobber, I don't even like water. I don't want to be covered in slobber, I don't even want to watch them slobber on each other."
"Now remember, you're there mother..."
"Why is it I suddenly feel I've been conned into this? Great, I'm going to be immersed in a vat of puppy slobber, what next?" cat began to pace angrily.
"They...ummm...may, kinda, chew on you, sorta, a little..."
"WHAT? You can't tell me that they would chew on me, their own mother, just because I'm a cat!"
"Well, actually, the mother doesn't really matter, it's more of a playful thing..."
"So I'm a chew toy, is that it? Kittens at least have the sense to leave their mothers alone! A common chew toy! And I'll be covered in dog slobber! So, is THAT the sum of the abuse I will be taking to raise your vile offspring?"
"Now there's no need to call them vile! You're the vile one, you temptress!"
"Temptress? Temptress! What was I supposed to do when you pounced on top of me? Say 'Oh, could you please make sure not to fertilize any of my eggs while your on your mad humping spree? Thank-you.' You practically attacked me!"
"WHAT?!? I...Why do I even try to talk to you? You only abuse me, and get bitter. Fine, deal with your own stupid puppies, see what I care! Who needs a temperamental hussy like you anyway?"
At that, cat pounced on dog's back, sinking her claws into his back. This caused dog to sprint off, which only made cat grip tighter.
"Get off of me!"
"Now you see how it feels! Attacked from behind, caught!"
"If I recall correctly, you were the one who said, and I quote 'follow me.'"
"So what, you're still responsible for setting in to motion the growth of these...these...puppies."
"Stop saying 'puppies' like it's filth in your mouth. You're going to have to raise those 'puppies' soon enough, and I don't think their own mother loathing the thought of them will help in their confidence or moral development. We'll be paying for years of therapy if you keep up that attitude."
"Fine, we'll have to make some compromises about our views while raising the puppies. I promise I won't despise them if you teach them not to chase my relatives."
"Fine, I can live with that."
"Ug, I never thought a moment of weakness would lead to both physical and mental anguish."
"And I never thought I'd have to bribe the mother of my pups in to pretending to love our young."
"Well, then we both didn't get what we expected."
"Yeah, and there's nothing we can do about it now." But you can bet I'll never do this again thought dog.
As they continued to walk, dog still enjoyed glancing at cat's sensual body out of the corner of his eye, but all cat could focus on was dog's mouth, counting the seconds between each drip of saliva, and cringing as each one hit the ground.

.


And cat was indeed a beautiful temptress, and dog envied her. The swaying movements of her hips as she strutted along fenceposts and across deserted yards, the twitching of her tail as she sauntered around the town at night... Oh, what the dog would give to capture that beauty for his very own.

And so one night, dog approached cat and the two shared with each other their hopes and dreams and scattered musings, the dog entranced by her charm, the cat fascinated with his faithfulness and affection.

'A perfect lover,' thought the cat, her whiskers trembling in the still night air. Dog crouched low in front of her, his head on his paws as he watched her thinking it over. She purred softly in her throat as her slanted eyes blinked shut, once, twice, thrice. And she turned away and called over her shoulder, "Follow me."

So behind the white house with the broken windows and the overgrown weeds dog and cat shared their time for a bit, crossing the borders into the land of the forbidden, and the neighborhood strays stopped to turn their heads towards the moon as they sensed an event which had never taken place before, an event that would change the world forever.


.

In the beginning, God created dog, for dog loved all. Then God got sick of dog's cheery disposition, so God created cat just to piss dog off.