Well, semi-friends only. I'm happy to have new LJ friends, but please at least let me know you're adding me? Otherwise I randomly find complete strangers I've never heard from on my f-list, and that's kinda creepy.
I'm a 23 year old girl trying to get back into writing.. I love hanging with friends, the Trojan War, speaking Spanish, and doing goofy things for the hell of it. Comment to be added-- share a few of your interests as well. ~Lauren
I'm not sad about not marrying Devin, although it still hurts that someone who professed to love me so much five months ago doesn't call and couldn't even put forth the effort to see me when I was in LA last week. I'm proud of myself for how far I've come in these five months; I've been dreading this day, but it's not so bad.
I guess I hoped I'd be more stable, though. I still don't know what I want, and that's incredibly frustrating. I wanted to have some clear idea of where I'm headed, and I still don't. My future career is murky. Dating is still too complicated, so I've given up for now. But I have proven to myself that I have the ability to get through really challenging times, and that's valuable.
So today, the house is empty, rather than full of guests. None of my closest friends are here. I spent last night at a bar with friends, rather than at a rehearsal dinner. The gown I fell in love with is en route to a buyer in Canada, and the only alteration to my engagement ring has been to pop a big black diamond in the center, rather than a wedding band at its side. Rather than celebrating a flawed relationship tonight, I'll attend a friend's lingerie party-- I guess, in either scenario, August 6 2011 was meant to end with me drunk and in lingerie.
Last night, I celebrated dodging a bullet, and I think I'll be thankful for it all my life. Happy un-wedding day to me.
Aaand back to writing infrequently. Guess things are better :)
I survived finals and got straight As this semester. Now I'm working full time, which is stressful but totally worth it. I love the extra money, and the perks aren't bad either :) I just got back from Vegas for a jewelry show, with all expenses paid and $300 play money. It was such a fun trip; we did the shows, shopped for hours, and danced so much that two days later, I'm still limping.
I've been trying hard to identify what makes me happy, what I'd like to improve, and what the hell I want to do with my life. I get pretty sick of analyzing myself, but I'm feeling better about where I am. Being single is still strange, but I'm getting used to it. There are things I miss about relationships, from guaranteed affection to sweet texts to simply caring about someone in that way, but it's not painful. I realize that in all likelihood, I am not going to end up marrying any guy I date for the next few years, and that's okay. I'm young and can enjoy casual dating, which allows me to focus on myself and what I need rather than on making someone else happy and letting them influence my decisions.
Still an adjustment, and I'm not going to put a moratorium on relationships--I'd hate to miss out on a great experience just because of stubbornness. But I think it's healthier to be single for awhile. I'm a little scared by how quickly and completely I got over a guy I thought I was madly in love with and willing to spend the rest of my life with. We have a strained friendship, but I don't miss Devin. I don't have any desire to be with him... I don't really have strong feelings either way about him, and it's a little scary to be indifferent about someone I was in love with three months ago. It makes me doubt my feelings in general.
But basically, life is good. I have the occasional angsty day (usually when I'm a hormonal mess) but I'm so much happier now than I was earlier this year. I've been staying busy and am a little worried about moving out, as I still can't stand being alone and doing nothing. I'm excited for John and Amanda to come home this month, and am hoping to make another trip to Vegas this summer, and maybe one to LA. I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to get back into writing, too.
I hope everyone is doing well, and that your summer is off to a great start.
I had an amazing few days. I went to the Tiesto concert with friends Thursday night, laid low Friday, shopped and went to a lingerie party yesterday. I love having such incredible friends, and I've given myself permission to let go and just enjoy being young this summer.
Today, though, I'm a little angsty. I realize how high school it sounds, but I think I've identified a pattern I don't like.
I meet a guy. We hit it off and start dating. He tells me he really likes me, which is great because I really like him too. I lose interest in other guys. He does not lose interest in other girls. And at some point, I think he finds some fatal flaw in me that makes me Not Relationship Material, but he still wants to be friends/date/wants me to be happy because I'm "such an amazing person." I'm hurt, and still hung up on him. Eventually (and this part is hazy, because each time it's been for a different reason) I've had enough and I move on to being completely single and let's face it, kinda lonely. I meet a guy, anywhere from a day to a year later. Repeat.
I don't know why this happens. We have a lot of fun, get along great, and and always very attracted to each other. And they're all great guys. What's hurtful is that it seems like the more they get to know me, the less they like me. Obviously, I don't know their perspective, but I don't think I'm controlling, crazy, or clingy. I don't play games; maybe that's my problem.
It hurts and I'm tired of going through it. I'm attracted to the confident, fun guys that all the other girls are attracted to, and I'm sick of competing. I am a catch, and it's not wrong of me to want some guy to see that without my having to fight to convince him that I'm worth giving up the other girls for.
I don't think I'm up for hurting right now. It's hard not to take rejection personally, especially when a guy pulls away just as you're getting attached. The best thing would probably just be to take things slow, but right now I'm just not equipped to deal with getting to know new guys. I feel cynical and bitter, and I hate that, but I'm sick of being sad because I'm not good enough for some guy.
I'm still figuring out what I want and how to deal with this. It's a jungle out there.
It's been almost a month since we broke up. When it happened, I could barely fathom making it through the day, let alone being happy a month later.
I'm not saying that I'm 100% fine. It'll still probably be hard when he starts dating, and I do still care about him--after all, we were together nearly 3 years, and that's a long time to love someone. But I finally realize how unhappy I was, and how forced our relationship was. I have no desire to be with him. I'm free of the little things that made me uncomfortable, like his social awkwardness and aggressive talking. I don't worry about money or how to entertain myself when he's at work. I don't worry that he's not going to class, or doing pot. I feel free and happy.
It's like a weight has been lifted. I'm cheerful at work and tolerant of even my most dull classes. I've lived through something I dreaded. I'm even dating again, and while it's nothing serious (and who knows where it'll end up?) it makes me happy. It's been eye-opening: there are lots of cute, successful, honest, and nice guys out there who make me feel great, don't do drugs, and are clearly capable of taking care of themselves without having to be nagged. It's refreshing.
I'm so proud of myself for the progress I've made, and can't wait to see where I am in another month. Everything is new and unplanned again, and oddly enough, I like it.
It's been less than two weeks, and mark his words, he's over me.
How did I get within five months of marrying such an asshole? And why, even when I know beyond all doubt that I deserve better, does this still hurt?
I fully expect him to be dating within a month just to prove that he can. I can, too. I've had opportunities. But I'm not there. I put a lot into this relationship, and I need to recover.
I feel like this was an utter waste. I wish I had broken up with him the first time he made me cry.
I know there's someone out there who won't treat me like crap. And I am so grateful for the support of my friends and family. One of the worst things I could imagine has happened, and I'm still here. I will be fine. Happy, even. I just wish there was a faster way to get there. I was so looking forward to this year, and now I'm going to be spending the better part of it in repair.
It's been ups and downs this week. I'm starting to realize that we weren't right together, but I still love and miss him terribly. At times I wish I'd never met him, or that I'd left him the first time he made me feel bad about myself or yelled at me, because the rough patches were awful. Other times, I just wish we'd found a way to make it work, because he was incredibly affectionate and loyal, and we did work really well together.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm better off. Maybe there's someone better out there for me. I don't feel like dating, and probably won't until some cute guy grabs my attention. But my friends and family are being very supportive, so sometimes, I feel okay. Other times, I cannot deal. I try hanging out with acquaintances, but it's weird, because we're not that close. I've been trying to do things that I know make me happy, like shopping, seeing friends, taking time with my makeup, dressing nice. At times, nothing works. I feel lost and flat.
Today my parents helped me move my stuff from the apartment to my childhood bedroom. A few days ago, I left a party just as Devin was arriving. It's too weird and I wish there was an easy fix for this. I feel like there's no outlet for my romantic love or affection now, and I'm still terrified that he'll start dating long before I'm ready to cope with that. And it's a lot like losing my best friend; at least once a day something will happen that I'll want to tell him about before realizing we're not really on those terms anymore.
A week ago I was getting dumped. I've moved out, started tying up loose ends, sought support, and been good to myself. I'm not sleeping well or eating normally, but I'm more or less caught up with school, and have been pleasant at work (although dealing with people shopping for engagement rings is really hard). I'm functional, though not happy. I guess for a week in, I'm not doing too bad.
Still wishing for a time machine to take me to the point where I'm okay and happy, though.
Devin dumped me and I'm devastated. I don't know up from down and no idea if this is a huge mistake. It feels like one.
I don't know how to live without him. I can't imagine never pulling on one of his shirts and snuggling up to him or playing Green Screen at the movies.
I have become one of those brides who does a wedding planning blog. I thought it would be a nice way to be writing again, and not have to bug people in real life about my plans. It's lawebz.wordpress.com/ if you're interested.
Not much is new. Classes started again, and I am beyond thrilled to only on on campus from 9-3:15. It gives me time for homework, my online class, and relaxing. I'm taking Sociology-- Deviance online, and Spanish 302, Art History 202, Philosophy 156, and HBO Rome on campus. HBO Rome is amazing; the rest are okay.
Besides that, I'm just working, wedding planning, and exercising, believe it or not. Wii Active is kicking my ass.
