This is wonderland..

Self doubting is very big today.

Winter is taking its toll.

I feel squashed, drowning by our past mistakes and our finances. Just when I think we are ok, something happens to knock us further back.

I'm doubting my ability to succeed at work. I'm doubting my ability to make ends meet with daycare costs, bills and so much.

I'm generally doubting my ability to do anything at all.

All my life I've felt estranged from the world.

I do what I can to be a part of the world - or at least pretend I am. I try hard to 'pretend'. Because if I pretend hard enough, maybe, just maybe I'll actually believe I am.

I am struggling with esteem issues that sometime takes me to such pains, I cannot even begin to explain them. I use to cut myself. I use to hurt myself, but I overcame that battle as best I could. I have children. I want to be strong for them. I will not give into my weaknesses, but there are times where it becomes so hard. Where the simplicity to slip back into old habits is so easy.

I won't do it. I have no need to do it. Don't worry that I will, because I won't.

The sad fact is though, that I sink down to that level, and while struggling with the every day issues as well as depression, I fight to not go down that road, which is, in turn, additional stress upon me.

I don't need drugs or medication. I am strong. I know I am. But when that seedling of doubt burrows its way into my mind and takes plant, it destroys whatever strength I have, covering it with long, twisted roots of questions, fears and more.

I second guess.

I begin to feel discluded from everything.

Its like the birth of paranoia is building deep within my mind with that tiny seed, which then, in turn makes me afraid of the 'whys' and such. Makes me wonder why I am even here. Makes me wonder why people even like me. Or want to be associated with me.

There is a lot I need to deal with. There is much in my mind, my memories which I simply push aside, hidden in the recesses of my brain. I know I need to face them. I know I need to deal with them, but I can't.

Not yet.

I cannot open the wounds because I think I'll actually shatter into peices if I do. And so the facade comes into play. The curtains lift, and the music plays. Cue the light, and call 'Action'.

I tell myself I am a survivor. I am strong. I am needed. I am important. I am loved. And most importantly, I LOVE myself - no matter what. It is and should be the most important love of all because without it, everything else crumbles to dust.

I LOVE ME.

(it's a work in progress..)