(no subject)

There is a certain amount of freedom with anonymity that I just dont get any more with my regular journal.....self imposed I'd imagine ...totally in my head for sure.....I fear everything is in my head these days....I never allow myself time to discharge the nonsenses of day to day existence and I don't know why....perhaps it is that I analyse others responses to the hum drum of my boring work day ...not sure why I care.....again....all in my head....yet the further, deeper I disappear inside my head, the harder it is to come out again.  I'm even now questioning why I'm trying to pull it out yet it quite clearly is taking over the whole of my thoughts ...misplaced anxiety attached to misconstrued events....If I was 18 I'd go an get drunk, have my hair dyed and do something equally stupid to make me not worry about the thing thats in front of my nose. At nearly 40 I'm too long in the tooth, too tired and probably too lazy to distract myself from it ...that and I understand the attacks now...the tingling in my arms and the palpitations...even the nightmares are familiar.....I try really hard to stay with them hoping that I'll get to the end and have a moment of perfect clarity but I never do make the distance. 

confused

I make an effort and you never mention it........does that mean you don't notice?  Or does it mean you do but you don't like it.....or don't  you   care either way?  Which makes me wonder why I bother .......

Why do I ?

.....

a difficult few weeks and I should be happy that we're coming to the end of them but in reality we're just starting the most difficult ones....I wasn't feeling it....at all.....
empty and full of nothingness......

restless and tortured with pictures...of...of....?
I wish I knew
disjointed and meaningless

....

It was simple yet emotional
but you came with me and thats all that mattered
for that moment
last night it felt peaceful
I'm finding peace
slowly
but surely

must buy some NLP books
for those days when I can't find it so easily


bullshit really
?
the sun is shing this morning
and life is good

(no subject)

today
I have my ct scan
somedays I think its no big deal
and on others ...like today ...it scares me....
its probably all fine but at the same time I almost just want to get to the bottom of all this....and as Ive said before...there are worse things to have
I suppose
the fear
is that they find something else other than what they a e looking for

just found out that I dont need to go on my own

thats a relief

more that its a shared experience

*tick* getting to grips with my health in 2007 !

the last year

this year hasnt been my best.....but then at times...its been better than most
you hurt me this year more than I thought anyone ever could.....yet.....it really was nothing.....so next year...I'm going to learn to let things go.
this year I realised that I love you more than I knew I could love and that I never want to be without you in my life.....but I also learned that if that day ever came...I would indeed cope.
i am strong
I know this
I just sometimes get bored of having to be
this year I forgot what sleep was and stopped craving it
I'm fatter than I have ever been but even thats not particulalry been an issue.....I'm learning to love me as much as I love you
my health has been an issue this year and its something I want to tackle head on in the new year
its been hard not to allow the negativity of others to penetrate ...and at times(particularly in the later months) it has
next year I want to distance myself from that.....lets look to what we have and not what we don't have
cancer was rife this year with more people I knew being diagnosed and a relative dying of it....very quickly....within weeks....scary stuff....
life is precious....
don't waste it
les died....
that made me cry.....
it still does
its not the same around here without him
we went to the cemetery the other week...with yellow roses...I couldnt get white....he liked white.....had massive big bushes in his garden.....
the grave was a mess...noone had been there since the funeral and all the flowers from then were dead and strewn everywhere....
we tidied as much as we could but maybe they wouldn't want us to
I don't think they give a shit though
next time I'll do it properly where they like it or not.
we went out togther twice this year....the goo goo dolls and once with my sister for dinner....
that needs to change
I need to see you smile and you need to hear me laugh
I love you so much
but you know that
I went back to work after having our son....
that was strange
they were all weird and it took a while to get back into things
I am now and I have realised where I want to be now.
summer we went to cornwall
the last of the innocents
our children ahve brought us more joy this year than tears and thats always a bonus !
we talk about 2006 as if its been the worst year ever but sitting here and thinking back....
it hasnt been that bad really

happy new year