🧨 Why PHP Is the Worst Programming Language on the Planet (And Somehow Still Alive)

"If code is poetry, PHP is a ransom note made from magazine clippings."

Once hailed as the duct tape of the web, PHP has powered millions of websites. Yet, in the year 2025, we must ask: how is this language still allowed near a server, let alone running half the internet?

Let’s explore why PHP continues to earn its reputation as the most cursed survivor of the programming apocalypse.

🤯 1. The Syntax That Time Forgot

PHP's syntax is the software equivalent of a junk drawer. It has:

$thisIsAVariable,`

echo for printing,

<?php embedded in HTML,`

AND a function called create_function() that literally takes a string of PHP code and evals it.

Want consistency? Keep dreaming.

strpos($haystack, $needle); // Makes sense
array_search($needle, $haystack); // WHY THOUGH

🪦 2. It Was Designed as a Template Engine, Not a Language

PHP was never meant to be a full programming language. It started as "Personal Home Page Tools" — a bunch of macros wrapped around C functions. Then it mutated.

It's like giving Microsoft Paint the ability to run nuclear simulations.

🔓 3. Security Nightmares Are Built-In

Writing insecure code in PHP is easier than writing secure code:

$pass = $_GET['password'];
$result = mysqli_query("SELECT * FROM users WHERE pass = '$pass'");
Boom. You’ve just invited SQL Injection, XSS, and a lawsuit.

Unless you know what you're doing (and most beginners don’t), PHP is a landmine field wrapped in duct tape.

🪡 4. Global Scope Soup

Everything is global. There’s no isolation by default. You could call a variable from halfway across the codebase, and PHP would go, “Sure, buddy.”

It’s like leaving your house unlocked, hoping no one steals your fridge.

😵 5. A Standard Library That Fails All Standards

strlen() for string length

`count() for array length

sizeof() which is the same as count()

empty(), isset(), and is_null() — good luck remembering which one checks what`

Everything kind of works, sometimes. Error handling? You're lucky if it doesn't just spit out Warning: Cannot modify header information 20 lines after the real bug.

🧟 6. It Refuses to Die
Why is PHP still here? Two reasons:

WordPress — responsible for 40% of websites (🤮)
**
Cheap hosting** — PHP still runs on dusty old shared servers at $1/month

It’s like that horror movie villain who keeps coming back no matter how many times you throw it into the fire.

🔄 7. Every PHP Project Becomes Spaghetti Eventually

You start clean:

`class User { ... }
Two months in:

<?php include('some-script-from-2004.php'); ?>
`
Even with Laravel, the average PHP project begins as MVC and ends up as MVP: Most Volatile Pile.

🤡 8. Its Error Messages Read Like Comedy

Cannot use a scalar value as an array

Object of class stdClass could not be converted to string

Call to a member function on null

Half your time in PHP is Googling why an object is "not an object."

🧼 Bonus: PHP 8 Tried to Clean Up… But It’s Still PHP

Yes, PHP 8 added:

`Proper types

JIT

Nullsafe operators`

But you can't polish a potato and call it a diamond. At the end of the day, PHP is still the weird uncle of web dev. Kinda lovable. Mostly embarrassing.

🧾 Final Verdict
PHP is not a language. It’s a lesson.
A lesson in humility. A lesson in legacy tech.
A reminder that just because something works doesn’t mean it should.

If you want to suffer creatively, write poetry.
If you want to suffer programmatically, write PHP.