>* Shadows Of Euphoria *<

Jesus! Me & Shay-la finally lost it and went on a huge cleaning spree. She polished down the kitchen and then we re-arranged the living room yesterday and I finally got sick of my room today! Still have a lot of work to do, but at least I can move again! Got really sick and fucking tired of playing "don't step on the one object that may give you tetanus" at 3am when I'm half asleep and full of piss.

A general update into the psychosis of Mikolaj, not a whole lot has changed. I am single once more, Rene proved yet again why I DON'T FUCKING DATE PEOPLE YOUNGER THEN ME. Honestly, the only thing worse then dating a juvenile cockbag is dating one who actually believes with every fibre of his being that he is mature and wise beyond his years and that I'm not outrageous enough for him because I really don't see how popping ecstacy is a way to a zen like state of mind and spirital capabilites. It's called a drug addiction fucktwat, I've been there, go ahead and ruin your life, I am DONE.

And proud to say I am, completely. I've turned to booze! Haha, I know, I know, still not great, but it's only on weekends and I never get smashed. Just a few Bacardi Breezers with Shay-la before we crash!

Riding constantly, Zierra is doing fantastic and Szerina is up for sale as Shay-la has just purchased her dream horse, a yearling Clydesdale X Thoroghbred filly. We're asking $2500 for Szerina but we haven't had any interest yet, fingers crossed!

In other news, I now have two baby rats! Two females, Fritz & Cleo-rat-ra. They are freaking ADORABLE! I love them! I can't believe I wasted so much bloody time on hamsters! Storm died =( That was a sad day.

Lease on our apartment runs out in a couple of months and we're looking for a house to rent, fingers crossed! Then Shay-las dog could come live with us, that'd be sweet.

That's about it, hope everyone else is doing well!

Holy crap and a half batman! This boy has gone loco!

Seriously, nobody has ever done anything like this. Me & Rene had plans to go ice skating last night and then a home cooked meal. The idea was something romantic. He was running quite late and didn't pick me up until around 10pm. Unfortunately, that had given me enough time to get drunk with Shay-la to celebrate her "booting to the curbedness" of Adriano. Heh heh, just a note for all you readers, as bad of an idea as it SOUNDS to try and ice skate intoxicated after 7 years of being off the ice, I assure you, it's even worse when you actually DO it. It was a blast though, after falling several times and making an utter ass of myself, which I'm best at anyway, I was able to slowly teeter around the damn rink myself =P Then he drags me over to the bench to whip out hot chocolate and rice krispie squares! Haha, he didn't even know they were my favorites, he just guessed. *grins*

So after ice skating, we went back to his place. He made me cover my eyes and led me inside. HE BUILT A FREAKING FORT. I am so not even kidding. A freaking fort in his living room out of sheets! Haha it was amazering! And bought whole wheat pasta for dinner because he remembered that I dislike regular pasta. A guy that actually listens to and REMEMBERS what I tell him? I didn't think they existed! We started dinner and then he made me get into the fort and check under the "table" (a laundry basket overturned, haha, so cute). He got me a whip (oh lala, he knows me so well!!) and actually remembered (AGAIN) how jealous I was of Shay-las amazing new soft bath robe she got for Christmas and got ME one in pink in the exact same material! (I am wrapped in it right now, wallowing in it's cozyness). Seriously, I damn near started crying!

We cooked dinner together and he had Celtic music playing and then climbed into the fort to eat. He turned off all the lights and whipped out a huge can of glowsticks to hang on the chairs for light! Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

After dinner, we climbed into bed, swapped much needed massages (he works construction and I threw my back out again) and I proceeded to reward him handsomly for his amazingly romantic sweet night! ;-) LMFAO

I'm in shock. I've had guys I've been in a commited relationship with for over a year not buy me things for birthdays, Christmas or anniversarys. I've been casually dating him for a month and he pulls THIS? Like, wow. Like, fucking TOTALLY dude! Now I just need to think up something spectacular to get him back for all this sappy adorableness!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR MOTHER FUCKERS!

On another note, Christmas was fan-fucking-tastic. I finally got my new computer for my awesome amazing Mommy plus a cheque for $500. New glasses for me! And Shay-la is getting a new horse! Wooooooo! His name is Bandit and he's a 6 year old Appaloosa gelding. He's amazing! Here are pictures!

Baja Rosa is love. Buahahahaha. Enough said. Can barely type. Muaha.

Oy vei, long weekend!

Friday night was pretty wild! I'm converting Shay-la to the dark side and I love it! We decided to go party with Adriano & Florian but Shay-las car was getting a tire fixed so we were out a vehicle. We invited Rene but he worked until some god forsaken hour and we got tired of waiting, so let's take the bus! The short bus that is...at least I'm sure that's what the driver was thinking.

You know you're Canadian when it's -40 with the windchill outside and you walk to the bus stop wearing sweaters =P It wasn't bad, only two blocks to the indoor skywalk so you're barely outside at all. We were up to our usual anatics, singing loudly and doing gymnastics in the skywalk (note to self, don't do cartwheels with chains around your neck, I snapped it so hard I was seeing spots for two blocks) and making everyone around paranoid. The bus ride was fun, guys kept coming to the back to make googly eyes at us and just ended up getting nervous with our never ending cackling and dirty jokes. Hopped off at the LC to pick up Baja Rosa & Irish Cream, the necter of the gods. Ran a block to catch a bus for a block because we're wussies =P Starting quoteing Foamy & Jay and Silent Bob rather loudly before announcing our immense appreciation to the bus driver and jumping off. The party kind of sucked, they'd been drinking since noon so they were close to passing out already. By the time Rene got there, they pretty much were. Shay-la spent the night and Rene drove me home...and never got home himself =P No no, not what you're thinking for once! Amazing eh? I really like him but I don't even know how the hell to feel...I do NOT want another meaningless sex partner, but I swear to god I have a phobia of relationships now. We just click so well, it's constant text message battles for crown of intellectual supremecy. I'm just not use to having someone I can banter with so easily and with such extreme repoire. Maybe it's meaningful that I don't just see him as someone to do the horizontal mambo with? I guess only time will tell, I'll just stress myself worrying.

Saturday kind of sucked balls. Rene had to be up at 7:30am after going to bed at 3am and I had to be up at 8am, so I just woke up with him before going to pick Shay-la up. Grabbed her tire (changed it ourselves because we are amazing), went grocery shopping with my mom and then headed out to her farm. Playboy's new home hasn't worked out AGAIN so we had a 12 year old girl coming to see him. Hopped on Dove & Flicka bareback and went for a beautiful but COLD gallop through the field, it was mucho fun. The girl and her mom arrived, took them to see Playboy and it went swimmingly, Ashlynn couldn't stop smiling and her mom is just a wonderful woman, very warm and friendly. So we made arrangements to deliver him for Sunday! Then went out to Papas for some delicious perogies and had to drive home in a blizzard. Didn't get home until 9pm absolutely exhausted.

But of course I don't freaking sleep and by 10pm I was wide awake. So I bugged Rene, ended up going to his place for a bit and found out he shares a bedroom with his brother and his cousin was spending the night so I said "Uh, fuck this." and we went back to my place. Was supposed to be up at 9am to deliver Playboy but the snow was ridiculous so I called Angela and she made arrangements for the boarding stable to come pick him up after 3pm, BOOYA, sleeping in! Had a pretty lazy day, made some amazing omelettes because I am the Queen of all that is Delicious, then got the phone call the guy was going to pick Playboy up NOW. Rushed poor Rene out of the apartment in 30 seconds flat and booted out to Selkirk.

I swear the smile on Ashlynn's face made my entire day. I've never seen a kid that happy before. Her mom was overjoyed as well, kept offering cash, I told her no way, just seeing that girl smile was my payment. Playboy arrived at Grassmere Stables, no problems whatsoever, a total angel. Ashlynn rode him in the arena a bit, he's the perfect horse for her, he's going to teach her a ton. Very exciting, I hope he's finally found a perfect home!

So yeah now I'm bored to death, wide awake and wondering what the hell to do about my desire to be loved and my hatred for commitment. Not a good place to be!

Okay, so here's the entire ordeal in writing. Time to finally get this off my chest and let sleeping dogs lie.

At the end of October I met an absolutely amazing person - Adriano. We met through Facebook, chatted a bit through MSN and then met up at Second Cup. It went well, we got along swimmingly, he came back to the apartment and met Shay-la and we all chilled for a bit before he went home. The next night was Hallowe'en and it was a dismal failure. I was at my parents and invited him over. He came over, we hung out for a bit and then headed back to the apartment where we watched movies and things got just a tad hot and heavy on the futon. He ended up spending the night - and almost every night for over a week. I was on cloud nine. I knew he wasn't looking for a relationship but like a fucking yutz, I let myself fall head over heels anyway.

And then my entire life was sucked out of me in a single sentence in a single terrible night that left me unable to breath or even see straight. "For two days, I've been fighting feelings.........for Shay-la." Never the words any girl EVER wants to hear. I was crushed. I tried to stay strong, tried to keep the Ice Princess alive, but it damn near killed me.

See, Shay-la is a tad head over heels for him to. Love triangles are never fun and I advise you NEVER try it. I decided I wanted to my new good friend and my very best friend to be happy, so I let them be together.

Bad fucking idea. Seeing them together, my perfect man, the person I'd looked my entire life for almost killed me. It spiraled me into a whirlwind disaster of a depression, complete with cutting and almost suicidal thoughts at times. Shay-la saw what was happening and cut things off with Adriano to spare me. He went totally spastic and ripped into me harder and more brutally then any person ever has before. Not many people can make me cry and he's succeeded far to many times already. He blamed me for everything, for ruining Shay-las happiness, for being a terrible person, for being selfish and greedy and a monster. He's apparantly madly, deeply in love with her after knowing her for three days.

Him and Shay-la continued a friendship based on text messaging and MSN, which really irked me, but what can you do? I'm also friends with his brother Florian which created a huge pain in the ass. I didn't want the three of us hanging out as friends and Adriano feeling left out (like, why the fuck did I even care?) so I pushed for friendship. Finally he relented after Shay-la put her foot down and wrote him a very firm letter letting him know she does not blame me at all, shit happens.

We were hanging out for a few days and things seemed to be going fantastic. We all got along, had great times, lots of laughs, lots of fun. Then this past Saturday we had a teeny bit of a raging party at the apartment (pictures will soon follow, I promise). Everyone went a bit wild, I recoiled a touch at how many pictures we had of boobs and cocks the next morning. Adriano ended up in Shay-las bed which did not help the situation. The next day we were talking on MSN and he turned on me AGAIN. Basically, the entire friendship was a total fucking charade just so he could get closer to Shay-la. He attacked me again for being a selfish, jealous person who would make her friend miserable for her own self satisfaction. He even went as low as to tell me fucking lies about Shay-la in an attempt to make us turn on each other (he's told Shay-la lies about things I've said about her as well). He's the most manipulative coniving piece of shit I've ever met. I'm actually relieved this happened because if this is the kind of juvenile immature bastard he really is, I'm better off without him.

Unfortunately, Shay-la is smitten. She can't seem to see past his faults and for the last little while, I've put my foot down not out of pain but out of terror that he's going to do something bad to her with that nasty hissy fit temper of his. I guess love is blind though, and nothing he does seems to phase her and she's been so emo, I can't watch her suffer anymore.

So today I finally relented. I was brutally honest with her, explaining exactly why I didn't want her with him and exactly why I cannot forgive this worthless asshole for everything he's done to try and destroy our friendship. I understand he "loves" her, I understand people get bitter, but personality traits are personality traits and tend to surface in many other areas to. She's been so sheltered her whole life though, and Adriano makes her happy, so she needs to learn for herself, I can't live her life for her as desperately as I want to protect her. I feel like a pit bull around her, ready to destroy anyone who harms her in anyway.

I've made it clear I don't want Adriano around here though. I'm sick of his lies and bullshit and unlike him, I can't go back to sitting in the living room and joking around, pretending to be his friend. I'm not that fucking deceitful. If I see him, I WILL hurt him. I wish them all the best of luck and I'm sure in time if they last together, I'll come to tolerate him, but he's sparked a rage inside me I haven't felt since the year Stefan fucked with me at the tax centre. If Shay-la comes home crying even once, then I'll say my goodbyes to all of you now, because I WILL end up in fucking jail when I'm done with him.

I'm just happy it's all over. Shay-la is happy, Adriano is happy, and I'm just fucking angry which I always am anyway, so much easier to deal with then hurt =P Actually, I feel pretty damn good. Seeing Shay-la smile is what makes me smile. And knowing that I have such an amazingly wonderful friend that she'd suffer through these agonizing feelings of wanting someone so badly just to respect my feelings. Thank you.

It's 4:11am and I can't sleep so I thought it may be time to ressurect this old girl. Things have changed a lot indeed and I need a new outlet.

I'm currently single (yay!) for almost the first time in years. Me & Tanner broke up earlier this summer. Correction - I kicked his worthless ass to the curb. I met the most wonderful person I could ever ask for this summer, my best friend Shay-la. We met through Facebook as she was seeking someone to help exercise her many horses out in Selkirk. We began as riding buddies and what began as something so miniscule has flourished into a beautiful friendship. We are now roommates as well, living in a beautiful apartment on Broadway with our many animals. I caved and brought home two adorable kittens from the farm this summer, a blue calico named Ruckus and a tortiseshell named Skullduggery. Enjoying our residence is also my hamster Storm, my rabbit Spawn, Shay-las ferret Kink and her african macaw Sam. I still own my beautiful lug of a horse Zierra as well as I now co-own a lovely Arabian mare named Szerina with Shay-la.

I'm completely drug free except for a little toke and some alcohol now and again and working on quitting smoking, haha. I have Shay-la to thank for the joy of sobriety, with her around things just seem so much easier to take.

It has been hard though, without drugs to restrict my emotions I feel myself being pulled into the old famalier throes of depression. I work hard to fight it but sometimes it just consumes me so entirely it's difficult to shake. For the most part, it feels wonderful to be my old self again though. My creativity is starting to return and I'm writing a little again.

This has been a shaky year, still getting back on my feet from my ordeal with Justin and meth and Tanner did little to help that situation. Being single has liberated me so entirely, I have almost a phobia of relationships now which is probably not good, but not all bad either as I've learned to love myself completely and feel so much more independent and free. I've met many wonderful people this year and of course some not so wonderful, but with the good comes the bad and I take it all in stride the best I can, welcoming the challanges and lessons life has to offer.

Shay-la is currently attending college at CDI as a dental assistant which is a year course. My goal is to save my ass off during taxation in 2008 and then attend University in the fall for a degree as an Internet Systems Specialist. Our game plan is to work our way out to Alberta or BC within the next three years and with any luck finally start our ranch. Very exciting as this is the very first time I've ever had a definate idea of what I want to do in life. So it's here in writing, now I just have to succeed!

For any wishing to contact me my MSN is dreamofmikolaj@hotmail.com still.

Time for a nice big update I suppose!

Me & Tanner are still together. We moved into our apartment on Edison as of November 1st and the lease is until next October. Christmas was a disaster and New Years we got a blizzard so huge we had to miss the rave.

Zierra is well, fat as ever. My job is great - my benefits package kicked in, so that makes life easier! It was Tanner's birthday yesterday and for his birthday, he recieved his promotion finally!

And that's really about it. I live such an entertaining life.

Whew. Yes, a very long weekend! Me & Tanner booked off Friday for his aunt & uncles tri-annual Berkshire hog sale. They're pretty big names, I didn't realize until this past weekend. The place is called Leeway Farms. Anyway, we helped in the back, "pushing pigs" which is basically cutting them out of a pen of anywhere from 3 - 10 pigs, down the aisle and into the sales ring. Then out of the ring, around back and into their pen. So it's a pretty intensive process - pens can't mix or they'll fight, and we always have to keep a line on deck so it's a constant flow through the ring. My knees are bruised all to shit. We hold these wooden boards with handles to push them along but half the time you're "kneeing" the board into a pig to make the bastard move. Some of them are just so frusterating. You can tell which ones you can coax along with kindness and which ones you have to get rough with to make them understand.

Haha it was funny, in the beginning all the men seemed pretty doubtful about letting me in the back. But I have a great memory so I always knew which pig coming back went where, which one was on deck to come back and which one needed to be brought out into the ring. It only took me about half an hour to start barking orders and telling the younger kids to stay out of my way. I'm such a tomboy - it's almost pathetic at times. So yeah, Tanner's family is pretty impressed then I'm not some hoity toity city girl to afraid to get her shoes muddy.

Afterwards they throw a big party, free dinner and alcohol as payment. Naturally Tanner got completely sloshed and I had to take care of him, haha. Ah well, it doesn't happen often, have to let him cut loose once in awhile! We left on Saturday, complete with a big box of leftover buns, carrot salad, beets and chili plus some frozen pork patties, ribs, pork chops and a ham.

Sunday afternoon we had a get-together at Tanners' bosses house. More chili and buns! It was fucking cold though. We stayed for about two hours but took off when it started snowing, just a little to chilly out! It's been awhile since we got to relax, so we came home, had a nice long hot shower together, climbed into comfy sweats and just chilled downstairs all evening watching movies. We rented season one of My Name Is Earl. Tanners never seen it, we were both killing ourselves laughing, I love that show. Plus we rented An American Haunting, the documented story of the Bell witch. It was pretty good actually although totally different then the stories I've read about it. I reccomend it though, it's pretty twisted.

And then I had to work at 7am this morning! Moan! So sleepy! Only a week until we moved in *squeals* I'm so excited!

Jacked Kristen!

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My shouldar that is. I slept funny and when I was brushing my hair this morning, I jerked the wrong way and hardcore pulled a muscle in my neck. I'm all doped up on tylenol and pamperin right now trying to ease the pain but it's not working. My whole right arm is half numb already. I can't wait until this day is over.

Finally hit the gym today. Booya. Spent twenty minutes on the treadmill, something like 250 calories burned. Wanted to go on the StairMaster but the bitch was broken. Along with the hot tub. Grrrrr.

Mmmm. Lemonade.