random thoughts on patrol

So, pacey's suprise party is going on, I think. I am not sure what day it is anymore.
It is weird that I had a fight with my father and went to a drag show on the same day. I didn't really intend to do that. But it helped. I feel bad about missing Pace's party though, but he will get over it. Since I did remember his birthday.
It feels weird that whatever time it is I am sitting up online again.
I was going to play on the online dating sites..but..
I don't know a lot of things have been confusing lately. And I hate not being able to sleep because I am reevaluating myself like I do a lot of times. It is just frustrating.
And sometimes i feel I have no one to talk to about these things.
Me and nate becoming closer friends is helping, but it also isn't. I can talk to him about some things, but can't about others.
The same with my counselor.
I feel sometimes that I have these seperate identites one is the one I see, the one I can't stand, and one is the person that I project to everyone else, and the identites are so vastly seperated from each other. I wonder sometimes if anyone will ever know the real me.
If I will ever find someone who gives me butterflies, who can help me accept who I am, and not pressure me to be something I am not.
I am going to try to snag a couple hours of sleep before I have to go to work.

Went to a charity drag show with Nate tonight in Boston...
It was very interesting...
I've never actually been to a drag show in my life, but it was raising money for the Boston P.A.L. so, I decided I would go.
Maybe I will write what happened in here later, maybe not.
And it looks like I may get the whole weekend off...apparently Pop and mom had a discussion after he came over here...and he's feeling a bit apologetic.
We shall see if I am up for flying with Nate, Pace, and whoever else wants to go this weekend.
If not maybe next weekend, since apparently I have that off as well
I am def. not complaining about that.

So, anyway it is the start of a new weekend.
This weekend though I had to work was pretty good for the most part. Nate came over again on friday night, and we watch some old movies. It was fun, and then we had this very interesting discussion on some things. But I am not going to put the details here, just because I don't feel like. Plus, it was a private matter between us, but I am very happy about it now. It had been something that had come up a couple weeks ago, and it is nice to have it resolved. Especially since at the time it seemed a bit frustrating since neither of us could figure out where the other was coming from.
It is nice to have a friend like that, he is a great guy, and he seems to understand me partially. Which is good, because some of the friends I have had didn't really understand some of the things i did. They always thought I was weird, and it is nice that Nate listens to me, and tries to understand some of my views on things, and doesn't question it.
Usually I have friends, but it is rare that I have a really close friend, so it is nice now that me and Nat are becoming closer friends. It really is a breath of fresh air. Especially since sometimes i secretly wonder what it would be like to have a best friend like how dawson and Pacey are.
And next week we may hangout again, since I have the weekend off. Which is a miracle. But I may take pacey and some of his friends, and maybe Nate out flying. We shall see how that works out. Since knowing my dad on friday he will tell me he has decided I get to work this weekend.

Anyway, today we got a new suv in. And dad said I could drive it. It is not new per se as we bought it off the boston pd, and it it repainted to our coloring, and ensigna and such. But he figured that since Pacey hasn't brought my car back that I can drive it around for awhile. Also, since he said I am up for a promotion soon, and I usually don't get to play with the new toys and such to much after we got them, and there is no way in hell with the new promotion I am getting a raise, I can drive the SUV for now. So, that in a way is my bonus for my new promotion, which I will probably get next week or the week after. Which is basically another stripe or cluster, I am not quite sure. Basically I will get more decoration for my uniform but that is about it. And something about some new responsibilities or something ::shrugs::
He did say I could only drive the new vehicle temporarily though, meaning that once we figure out the damage done to the other car, and get it fixed, I get to return the suv, since he is probably the one who is going to be driving it full time.

Anyway, off of lunch break in five, maybe i will update some more later. We shall see

Probably shouldn't post again, people are probably finding it annoying...but oh, well just a short entry

-Today, one of the witnesses for one of the trials I was watching grabbed my arm when she left, and said to me "you have a gentle soul, and you will experience much heartache, but after many years you will finally be happy and able to accept who you are." ::arches eyebrows in confusion :: I was going to say something but she left. She was some character witness from Boston, so I have never seen her before, but it was very odd.

-Early tonight after I was done being Baliff, I was helping dad on something, and we were chasing some guy through this 4 story house, and at one point I tripped on the carpet, and lost him. And as I got up, dad had caught him, but I was standing by a window, and he pushed me.
(this was dad and not the perp, the perp was in handcuffs)It is a good thing i can keep my balance, but it almost seemed like he was trying to kill me. It scares me sometimes that I know if he wanted to my dad could kill me, and he almost did once delibrately, which I am not going to talk about here since I really don't like to bring it up. It is just scary remembering sometimes that he could have, and he hasn't yet. He is fucking pissed at me anyway since Pacey still hasn't brought my car back, so I've been getting an earful from him all day when ever I saw him. And after the chase he said I was a lousy cop, and that is the reason that he is never going to allow me a partner, since I would probably get them killed ::frowns::

I'm off for the night. I am exhausted


EDIT (saturday)
I NEED MY CAR BACK PACE
Also, I changed some of my user pics, and updated my layout a little. The header was made by a request from serialbathera and the layout was modified from one done by morenaclara which I found a tutorial from thanks to the help of blue_star_light

So, my car isn't back yet. I am wondering what my little brother did to it. At this point I am not too concerned. I figure I will worry about it when it gets back. My dad is going to ream me out, and probably him if it even got a little scratch on it, so why should I worry. It does me no good. I hope Pacey and Dawson had a really fun trip though. Maybe they will actually give me the details ::shrugs::

I am suppose to be on beat patrol, but I am on my lunch break. I am not really hungry so I am in the back playing on the computer. I figure if someone needs them for work, i can just get off not a problem. This afternoon I get to go to court and testify on a traffic stop I did awhile back. We found a slight bit of marijuna so he is being charged for a drug crime. It should be interesting. Since we rarely get drug crimes, though now if he gets probation or parole or back on the street somehow, dad is going to watch him like a hawk. He doesn't really like people who are involved in drugs, and he thinks they are always shady. I think that they should be given the benefit of the doubt, sometimes people can change. I know that sometimes criminals can't help it, and 20% of the criminals committ 80% of the crime or something like that, but not every one who committs a crime is a bad person. And not everyone who sells drugs once, or tries it once is a bad people, and they aren't always going to be involved with drugs.

Tomorrow I get to go to court, and be baliff. So, I am excited about that. That is always a fun job, especially if we get an interesting case tried. I rarely get to be the baliff. Dad considers that one of the prime assignments, since you basically get to spend the day watching people, and things going on in the courthouse, and it isn't really that hard. And for some reason a lot of the officers want to do it, so he rotates for the most part. Usually he puts my name in after it has rotated four or five times, since he says he needs me for the important work like parking tickets, and watching speed traps. This time though he changed up the rotation and threw me in. I am not sure why. He asked me yesterday if I was okay, which is a rare thing. I told him my depression has been acting up, but for the most part I have been fine and then he said he changed the baliff rotation and I got to do it on friday ::shrugs:: I wonder if Gretchen said anything to him. Or it could have been someone else since news does travel fast in this little town, and karen has apparently been telling some of her friends that she is sorry she decided to break up with me again but it just wouldn't work .(right, this she decided after two days of the arrangement...I am not bitter though, I hope she has fun in Boston.)

My sister Nora was staying over for awhile at my apartment for a few nights. I am not sure why, she has her own studio place in Capeside. Freaking crazy hair dresser lady. She kept me up all the first night, playing some weird instrument. Tonight she went to go stay with my folks. She wasn't staying there before because Kerry was bringing the no neck monsters over during the day to hang out with the folks and Nora likes to sleep all day for the most part when she is not working, and she hates the kids. (personally, I don't think anyone really likes those kids) I think she may be having a fight with one of her three boyfriends, I have no idea. We don't talk much. She says I am weird and boring, and something about me needing to be in a zoo, but I usually don't listen to stuff she said anyway.

I am still feeling a little bummed that Karen decided that the friends with benefit thing didn't work. (see last post, which is on friends lock, so if you aren't my friends list, you can't see it obviously.) But my friend Nate came over last night, and we ranted about women, and we went over to the pool hall and played some pool. I totally suck at pool, he won, but it was fun. I actually almost won a game this time. I drank far more than I should have I had 3 beers, so my head is throbbing a bit, and everything is a bit fuzzy. I think next time I drink, which is rarely, I am going to stick with the wine, it usually doesn't effect me so strongly as beer. Plus, I am not much of a drinker anyway, don't want to become like my dad, that would be horrible.::shrudders::

My sister Gretch called yesterday to make sure I was okay. She said she didn't want to see me do anything drastic because I broke up with Karen again. I promised her I wouldn't. One little mistake when I was 18, that she found out about and she freaks out when I get depressed. (maybe one day I will talk about it here. for right now, I would rather not remember it. It seemed like a very good move at the time way back then, but now I look back at it and it scares me sometimes that I was that low back then.) Plus with my meds, my depression for the most part is somewhat under control, and she knows this, she just worries. That is okay, it is nice to have someone worry about me once and while, since God knows that worry doesn't seem to be a Witter trait. Or if we do worry, we have to word it where it is lined with sarcasim. But that is just how we are. Not real big on expressing our feelings of concern and stuff, without making it sound like a slam.

Anyway, this is getting really long, and my lunch break is over soon, so I will wrap this up.

I wasn't going to post today, since it has seemed every day I have posted in here.
But I thought I would write what happened last night in here.
So, after I got off my double shift of "filing" duty, I was exhausted and ready to crawl into bed, but when I pulled up to the back part of my apartment my ex Karen was sitting on the steps waiting for me.
When we broke up almost a year ago, she said she still wanted to be friends. And we have been keeping in touch, so I assumed something was wrong, and she needed to talk.
We had broken up because I am at the point of my life where I want to settle down, and she wants to be free to date who she wants. And there was something mentioned about how I might be a little boring for her taste, but she thinks I am great in bed which is why we went out for six months and she didn't drop me on the first date.
So, anyway, I invited her in, and made some hot cocoa for us, and we started to talk.
Well, apparently nothing was wrong, she was just feeling a bit lonely, and she wanted to know if I would be willing to do the friends with benefits kind of thing. She never really loved me, that she did like me, thought I was a great person, and she liked the fact that I was willing to listen to her when ever she had a problem, even dropping stuff to come talk to her.
I thought about what she said for a moment, and I am not sure if I loved her either. But she is a great person, and a very dear friend.
So, we're going to try this friend with benefits thing. See how it works out. And that way she is still free to find someone she really loves, and so am I.
The only bad thing about the situation was being rudely woken up by my dad standing over us at 8am because apparently my shift for the day started at 8:30 and he forgot to tell me and wanted to make sure I was awake.
How the hell he got in I have no idea. I thought I locked the door, but who knows.

I stole this from my little brother the_paceman

Your Birthdate: November 24

Born on the 24th, you have a greater capacity for responsibility and helping others than your may have realized. You may also become the mediator and peacemaker in inharmonious situations. Devoted to family, you tend to manage and protect. This birth date adds to the emotional nature and perhaps to the sensitivities. Affections are important to you; both the giving and the receiving.

Not sure if it is completely true or not ::shrugs::
But I am stuck in Capeside filing today, since my little brother has stolen borrowed my squad car, so I thought I would fill it out.

EDIT :
I thought I would go ahead and give a real introduction.
My full name is really Douglas, but you can call me Doug or if I like you I will let you call me Dougie. I usually don't respond to the name Douglas.
I am the oldest of five. I have three sisters, Kerry, Nora, and Gretchen, and one brother, Pacey.
I work at Capeside PD, where my family has worked since the dawn of time.
Hmm, I like a wide variety of music. But I get picked on by my brother, since I like divas.
I also like old movies/musicals.
So, I am a bit eccentric, and have also been told that I am a bit of a neat freak since I like to keep things organize.
I live in an apartment by myself, it is a small place but I like it.
I am hoping one day I will find some nice woman to share my place with. But it is hard to find love, when you live in a small town where you know everyone else, and also when you are your dad's lapdog, and work all the time.
I would love to get a pet but I think it would die since I wouldn't be there enough to take care of it.:(
My dad for those who don't really know is a bit of a stubborn guy. And though he did instill a sense of honor and justice into me. And I think I would have honestly been a cop, he never really gave me room to make many decisions on my own.
Oh, well, guess partially it is my own fault.
But my family is a bit dysfunctional as well. But that is life. No one has a functional family anymore, or at least not in Capeside.

So, I was talking with this really cute chick during one of the conference things, and she was flirting with me, and all was going well, until her husband came to pick her up.
:(
Oh, well...She lives in Boston anyway, and I am totally against breaking up people's marriages, or relationships...and I have been informed that I have to go back to Capeside today, since apparently my dad changed the schedule last night, and decided I needed to be on parking ticket duty this weekend. Oh the joy.
But one good thing happened yesterday. After I posted this my sister Kerry called and was going to have me babysit her monster kids next weekend, but I got ahold of my other sister Gretch, and she said she was coming home that weekend so she can watch them since she knows I have to work that weekend, and I would flip if those little monsters tearing up my apartment. I hate babysitting those little freaks they are almost as bad as my younger brother.

I went to Boston week for a conference.
I also went on the sly to turn my application into the BPD. Oh, course, I didn't make it. Stupid new requirement that you have to have a complete Bachelor.
I don't understand how my dad won't let me finish getting my BA at CCC, but he would let me get a pilot's license for the dilapidated plane that the force never uses...whatever...he is a jerk most of the time anyway. (At least he let me go to this seminar/conference thing, and I am learning a lot.)
My whole family is freaking weird.
I meant to write something more in the way of an introduction on my first post, but the next session is coming up, I don't remember what it was, but I am sure it will be as cool as the rest so far. I think it might be on blood analysis, or homicide. (not that we ever need that in capeside)


EDIT:
the conference was on blood splatter analysis. It was actually really interesting.
looking at the earlier post. I realized I came off a little bitchy. That is not the way I intended it.
I just am feeling really crappy today, I think the flu had started to make its way around capeside right before I left for Boston, and I think I have caught it.
Which is a bit of a bitch, since dad will still make me come to work sick. So, I am going to have to tough it out. I usually don't get sick, so it isn't that bad.
And I am still enjoying the conference. too bad the last day is tomorrow. But I am off this weekend, so I may stay a little longer in Boston, maybe go to one of the dance clubs. Its my secret vice to go. Or see a show or something, I think Guys and Dolls is playing which is one of my favs.
Anyway, I seriously will try to have a much better intro entry, but I the next conference is starting soon, and I need to get back to the convention center