For those who have a loved one suffering from depression or bipolar disorder

Hi everyone. Is this community still active? I just joined wellpartners and posted my intro there, but I thought I'd crosspost it here too in case anyone is still reading.

I am in an LDR with my boyfriend who I met online. We've only met in person once. We spent 2½ weeks together in February, and right afterwards he was hit with a depressive episode which he is still in. (He has suffered from depression his whole life.) He is very withdrawn right now and it's particularly hard in an LDR since it means we have no contact. He isn't reading my email or answering the phone. I even sent letters in the mail but he didn't open them. (I found this out because he did pick up the phone and talk to me once, but most of the time he doesn't answer.) So I am having a very hard time, missing him and worried about him, and unsure where to go from here.

We are in a poly relationship. I live with my husband who I've been married to for 20 years. I also have a daughter who has bipolar disorder. She's 18 and has moved away to another state. And I have 3 cats, who are not depressed as far as I know.

I also want to mention that the Depression Fallout website sponsors message boards and a very popular chat room. I spend a lot of time there.

Nice to meet you all.

Hello fellow community members! 

This is my first time posting here and I'm excited to see this community grow because depression fallout is so widespread.  The depressed person close to me is my mother.  She has suffered from major depressive disorder, panic disorder and agoraphobia since I was 2 years old.  I'm 28 today, and it wasn't until I hit my twenties that I realized how living with her depression has affected my life.  I saw myself going down the same path that she had, especially in my love relationships, and got myself into therapy 2 years ago.  I can now say that I have steered myself away from that path and can focus more on managing the fallout associated with our relationship.

Let me just say that one of the hardest  things to deal with relating to fallout with my mother is our tendancy to attribute strained relations to 'motherly love'.  For example, I usually cannot take a trip without her trying to convince me to either not go or making sure that my plans don't include anything 'dangerous'.  When I question this, she tells me that she has the right to worry because she is my mother and she cares about me.  Well yeah, but how where is the perspective here?  I'm 28!

At any rate, I hope to share and learn a lot from the others in this community.  Thank you very much for being here!

 

I am not sure this won't be taken out of context. My intention is that it should compliment my partner's <"__nutshell__"> account and yet show how insidiously a depressive illness may be compared to an addiction in that it affects a great number of people apart from the sufferer and that this can be a cause for the length an episode might last. I only ask that it be read with an open mind: ( __nutshell__ has not, at any time 'clung' to a 'sickness preference' though we agreed we have known periods of unhealthy co-dependency in th years we have been together.

Liz Moderator _h_u_g_s_ for those who wish to recover from depression and related illnesses.

Addiction is strange.
It is far more than it seems and escapes detection
by hiding under many different names.
I think that depression is an addiction.
It affects every part of the mind and body
and sets up an increasing craving. This craving -
for happiness, beauty, wealth or just an end to misery
thus it feeds depression.
Furthermore depression spreads itself
to family, friends, even doctors, psychiatrists and,
in the widest sense, popular culture.
If I am depressed I will cause concern to others and
take up a position of importance in their minds which will result in craving -
craving an end to my suffering - their suffering.

One of the most difficult battles I have had, as a result of depression,
is the fear others have had of my recovery.
As I have recovered I have created a lacunae, an absence,
in their daily lives, in their pattern of thinking;
my depression has become accomodated and has served a purpose that
they now have to withdraw from.

They do not consciously crave my failure yet they may tell me
'Aim Lower' 'You are still weak' 'Don't set yourself up
for a worst fall.' I couldn't take seeing you fall again.
My change is challenging them to change
and all chenge is frightening.

In AA and other 12 step programmes it was stressed that
Every alcoholic affects up to twenty or more others
who become ill themselves. Sometimes they find
refuge from their own problems in their concern for us.
Round and round it goes, They fear the alcoholic will slip
in his/her recovery. This fear is manifested in an anxiety
which fills the house with repressed dread.
But the Alcoholic feels it and as they have used booze
to escape tension so they return to booze.
The entourage of carers are deeply dissapointed
yet reassured that they are still needed.
In Al Anon those who care for and have been affected
by an alcoholic are taught not to care, to let go
to not intervene in any way.
The alcoholic will often hit rock bottom at this point
and from their the only way is up.
But the ascent must be made without care for family,
friends,amployers, teachers, doctors.

I think that all of that is true of Depression.
The ascent must come from the health of the sufferer.

It was because I felt that other 'support' groups
for depressives on LJ as in 'the real world'
were hindering recovery by focussing on the negative
the self destructive, the dark dread.

I don't think that _h_u_g_s_ wil ever attract as big a number
as other groups have. But I hope that one day it is redundant.

There was a saying in AA.
When everyone has been sobre for a year
The group must dissolve or a member must get drunk.
- for what else is the group for but for recovering drunks?

Just a few thoughts I've had.
Comments welcome but not essential

Liz

I have had to let some friends go, detach from family
for the purpose I served when ill I can no longer fill
and they can no longer live, easily without.

Disclaimer: Although I am eternally grateful to AA for introducing me to a wealth of recovery/survival resources I have not been a member for many years and was never fully able to endorse its full philosophy - eg: That Alcoholism is a chemical addiction as Heroin addiction is.

Thanks for the invitation to join the community. I wrote the entry Living with (someone else's) depression as a 'one-off'as Liz had asked me to.


I'd like to contribute when I can. I found that when she was very depressed I felt too bad myself to do much except get on with life in a hand-to-mouth way and now things are so much better I'm reluctant to revisit those times, but I assume you know what it's like :)

well, i'm glad to see we have a couple new members. i hope you all will find this community helpful! as promised, here is a little information about myself:

i'm in the last year of my BA in psychology so i have studied depression quite a bit. however, i discovered the hard way that learning about it and dealing with it on a daily basis are entirely different. my boyfriend suffers from clinical depression, and i often find myself suffering from "depression fallout" when everything i seem to do (when i try to help) only makes things worse, or when he retreats into himself and pulls away from me.

depression has had a profound impact on our relationship...we broke up at one point because he had become so distanced from everyone. while i was packing my things to move out, we reconciled and he agreed to get some help.

he does quite well some days, but others are very difficult. i want to be as supportive as i can, but it can be very draining too. sometimes he just seems so angry at the world and i because i am not depressed myself, i have a hard time understanding things from his perspective.

anyways, that's my story...and the reason behind me starting this community.

take care everyone!

THIS seems like a very GOOD idea. My partner wrote a piece in depression about her experience of living with me through a major depression and I thought then that a community like this would be useful. I have just started a community called _h_u_g_s_ for postive recovery from mental illnesses. Howver it is young yet. Do you mind if I post this on that community as well?

BTW. If I join and leave and join again it will only be because community postings get very long sometimes no lj cut and the only thing to do is withdraw to let my other friends entries show through.

Good Luck!

Liz

__nutshell__wrote:

( Living With Someone Else's DepressionCollapse )

hello everyone, and welcome to depressnfallout!

please have a read over the community information, and check out the rules before joining.

i look forward to meeting you all! (once we have a few new members, i'll post some background about myself)