Depressed Parents

Hi !!

It has been a couple of days since I have posted here.
I did get an email regarding purchasing "Health" Insurance - it was divided up into 3 sections and you picked the section that best suited you.
When I worked for a company that set appts for health insurance - there were some companies that thought they might pay the tax instead of offering their employees health insurance. They felt that it would be cheaper. There is more people without health insurance. It will be interested to see how it goes.

Have a good night !!!!!!

Health Insurance Exchanges Go Online

The development of state-based health insurance exchanges may be the most interesting thing to watch this year. These virtual marketplaces will allow uninsured people and small businesses to
compare and enroll in health plans online. Through these exchanges will people learn if they qualify for federal tax subsidies to help cover the cost of insurance. According to the law, Exchanges must be up and running by Oct. 1, 2013. Time will tell if this can actually be done on time.

States were given the option to build their own exchanges and had until Dec. 14 to decide. Here is how the States decisions broke down:
•18 States (and the District of Columbia) agreed to build their own.
•7 States have opted for a partnership exchange - a model where the states and federal government work together to operate the marketplace.
•25 States that declined to participate and will therefore have federal government put in place health insurance exchanges.

Don't forget to download your Free Discount Prescription Card at www.freerxplus.com/FRP01223

Hi !!!!

The last couple of days have been busy.

I haven't had time to do any research on healthcare. I am hoping to this weekend. Saturday here in S. Fl is suppose to rain.

If you haven't gotten your FREE card - go to: www.freerxplus.com/FRP01223

Have a good night !!!!

Hey guys, I know some of you can't really afford to be giving all your money away, but I do need sponsors for this event I'm doing for March of Dimes called WalkAmerica. It's April 30th and my goal is $500 but I'm sure at this point I'm not going to be able to raise that much, but it would be nice to get close to it.

As some of you already know, both my girls were premature, Lola being born 6 weeks early (5 lbs 3 oz) and Alana being born 4 months early (1 lb 6 oz). So this is a cause pretty close to my heart and actually what inspired me to change my major to nursing.

Here is a picture of Alana a week or 2 after she was born.



She has tubes in her chest bcuz her lungs collapsed due to a heart condition called Patent Ductus Arteriosus she was born w/and shortly after had to have surgery for. By the time she was 10 months old she had had 6 surgeries, and it's possible she is having another one, which I find out about on friday. As my close friends know, she's doing a lot better now, but she's isn't going to have what most people consider a 'normal' childhood bcuz of her so-called disabilities. She's almost 2 now. The March of Dimes raises awareness of premature birth and try to educate mothers, especially young mothers, on ways to prevent having their babies so early, like how Alana was. Our case was a little luckier than others. Not every baby born at 23 weeks survives, reason why Alana is our 'miracle baby'.

The event is on April 30th, at the Virgina Beach Oceanfront. There's the option of forming a team, which I'm up for doing if anyone else wants to participate. Just let me know.

You can go to my site to sponsor me. All donations go straight to the March of Dimes. http://www.walkamerica.org/xheathe…

And please repost this so others who aren't on my friends list can see and possibly help out. Thanks. :)

I'm depressed that I would even think about joining this group. Have been on a tirade against my 2 teenagers - both basically great kids - for two days. I feel so miserable that I don't even feel guilty - yet. I know it will come. Nothing feels good. I feel furious and tormented and ugly and hateful and so far from myself. The weirdest thing set it off - computer, connectivity troubles - this has happened before, I don't know why I get so fucking crazy dealing with technical issues. I can't think straight or act rationally. I'm bi-polar, though it's never been diagnosed to what extent - I'm on meds, but still mess around with alcohol, pot, mushrooms - probably not so smart. Ok, stupid. Not fair to my kids. But having been a single mother for so long there are times I just snap. Don't ask me to make dinner. Don't ask me to do laundry. All the stuff I normally just 'do'. Maybe it's the beginning of the school year, having to get up again at 6, be home every night to look at homework, hear about everyone's day. I feel sapped, nothing to give, I open my mouth and rage blasts out. My thoughts are all a nasty spinning cycle of anger, not even at them - at everything. At my mother dying. Never falling in love, really, or even being able to know what that is. Allowing their father not to really support them but to spend over a decade playing 'daddy' while I pay all the bills. And fall deeper into debt. I hate my son's lethargy. I hate my daughter's perfection, that I was never like her for one day in my life, blindingly brilliant, beautiful, graceful and sharp in both body and mind. I hate that I am responsible for everyone. I hate the work I'm doing which I've loved for so many months. I hate feeling that I contribute nothing. I hate that I could even have a list of things I 'hate' when I strive so hard to kill off my dark side, as if she could ever leave me.

-_- I am so dumb sometimes...

my guilt...over everything...I know now why I feel so much of it. I know it wasn't my fault, the things Mike did. I couldn't have known how bad he really was. My own Manson...sweet to the eyes and ears, but even Manson never lifted a hand to anyone. So...I know where my guilt comes from. At least now I do...

My childhood was horrible (who's wasn't?). But I vowed to never be the kind of parent mine were. I promised to be the opposite. I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I failed in keeping that promise. I exposed my children to danger. I wasn't there to protect them always. They were hurt by Mike and my relationship with him. So...I feel that as a parent I failed. I know...but I did leave, and I am protecting them now, right? But I made a promise, and I feel as if I didn't keep it. MAybe now, woth the realization of why I feel such incredible guilt always, I can begin to heal it.

I was thinking about it, because I was wondering atmy self-destructive behavior last night, and why I hate myself so much. There was a time in my life, before Mike, when I was independent, and proud, and happy. I didn't want, or wish, or hate myself.

I really think htis holiday season is bringing a lot of stuff up for me...1) because this is the exact time when Mike did all his most horrible things and changed my life into to what it is now...2)all my problems and heartbreaks with B have made me worry about my kids again...3)I went off my meds...(oops).

But...as far as my meds go....I NEVER needed them until Mike came along. I was living fine and happy and healthy. I had been left by my husband, and was depressed for quite a while after that, but I pulled through without meds, or self-mutilation, or anything like that. I was healthy.

And now....now I have dreams that keep me awake every night. Now I have hallucinations and paranoias during the day. Now I have had one psychotic episode, and been cutting on and off for 5 years. Now I am not myself anymore...

I am tired, and weepy...today is going to be a long day. I am going to my parents house, just so I won't be alone today....besides I need to get out of here.

I want to get my life back. And I will. Just not today...

There has to be a better way. To do everything.

Today began crappy enough...freezing my ass off, listening to my kids complain becuase they have nothing to wear, and are cold, and tired. And how I should get a real job, and everything is my fault, and they hate it here. I snapped. And I said did you ever think maybe I hate it here to? Listening to you two whine and complain and gripe about everything and everything I do?

My daughter's room is a friggin pig sty. It always is. I don't know how to get her to clean it anymore. I have tried EVERYTHING. I have no idea why she is such a pig...my house is always fairly clean, and her dad is not a pig, at least not in the sense of cleaning.

Dylan has a mouth on him a mile wide and just as loud. His language is awful, and I don't mean just swear words...I mean in how he refers to people. He sounds just like his dad, but he barely spends time with the guy. And I can't beat him everytime he opens his mouth.

I am tired of it...I am frustrated, and out of ideas. I suck at being a parent. I totally suck. And I am tired of fighting this alone...I used to think having my kids with me meant they would at least be raised with better values. But they have picked up all their dads' values and ways anyhow. So what difference does it make anymore? All I hear is how I am so terrrible, and how they want to live with their dads'.

I don't seem to be having any major effects on them. I don't even know why I bother anymore. -_-

Lots of stuff running through my head, and I have to force myself to actually function. I want to just lay around, and not eat, and sleep. I stopped taking my meds today...they don't seem to be helping, do they? Ok, so I didn't cut, but I am not any less depressed. I am tired of feeling like I don't care anymore. And feeling fat makes me even more self-conscious. So I tend to stay home more. So it's self-defeating in that way if I take them. I do have an appointment coming up with my doc, and I remember some meds way back when that actually worked for a time...and they didn't make me fat. -_-

I am anxious, and nervous, and stressing all the time. I feel disassociated usually, like my waking life is all a dream. I know what all these signs and symptoms mean. If I didn't have my kids I would probably do nothing all day. Mostly I just sit and stare...I don't even read anymore.

So...I am making myself do things...like go to the store, get air in Dylan's bike tires, buy guinea pig food...my kids, and people in general, don't realize how hard it is for me to do this stuff. All simple, mundane, everyday stuff, and I have to force myself to do any of it. And I am uncomfortable the whole time. So I have to wonder, am I being treated for the right thing?

I was thinking today, back to a time when the kids and I were truly happy. There was a time when that was...when I had my own daycare business, and I was finally able to tell food stamps to shove it. When I made enough money to pay bills and order pizza and a movie once a week. And I could afford to buy my kids clothes. We even went to church 2 or 3 times a week. We were happy, and though the kids were much younger, even they will tell you that was the best time in our life.

Then Mike came along, and all the light disappeared. Everything changed, and it hasn't been the same since. And I don't know how to get it back, and even if I could, it's too late now for at least one of my kids.

Oh...what have I done? What have I done?

I just wanted to say, this place...www.healthyplace.com, is a super mental health resource site, providing forums, med advice, med and illness info, and a ton of other things. Check it out...

I hate to do this, and this is in no ways a way to undermine and steal members from other communities but:

Heylo, I am a Toronto-based New Media artist who suffers from Bipolar Type II. I am collecting stories from other mental illness sufferers to be included in an installation this February 2005. If you are interested in writing about your mental illness and having it anonymously become a piece of art-installation please join at mentalmoments

Thanks for your time.