Introspection Connection

Do you come back, like I do?

Do come and listen to the youth that once was speak through time to you? Remind you of the blocks that were once laid that made you who you are today? Do you come back and experience it real time? Do you seek the lessons it seeks to tell you? You are still here, and it is every bit you, but many parts of it can now only be found here...

Do you open the profiles of once deep friendships, now digital gravesites, ripe for the picking by future digital archeologists. Do you think that in 100 years you will be considered pioneers in social media, a generation looked back upon like we do the Jet Set of the early 1950s?
Sometimes you can trace those graves, and find the place where the entity that once was, is now reborn. A completely different person. Nearly unrecognizable. But still, the love for them remains. Unspoken and unheard, but total in it's presentation.

Or do you peruse the ancient archives of LJ Groups. Millions upon millions of words, critically important for a few days or weeks, and permanently etched (for now) on a computer somewhere in Russia. And who knows where else?

You should come here and talk to yourself. They will help you remember that change, for better or worse, is not possible, but reality. They will pass on lessons, and they will still hold your hand in times of need, for they are the only person who truly knows who you are.

Don't forget them.

So, while Livejournal isn't the best blogging software out there, it does have one of the most solid community foundations. I can find -anything- I want through this website, any community of people can be found, and easily communicated with through livejournal. Which is a good thing for a guy who's learning guitar, or going into nursing, or looking up ECE information for his mom.ugh
Facebook does remain superior in one thing, event planning. Best system I've ever used.

I've been going through a pretty dark spell for the past couple of months, self-demotion at work, no current schooling happening, difficulties paying bills, yadda yadda, failed relationship(again) yadda yadda yadda.
So of course, in my darkest hour I come back to Livejournal to bitch and moan about it. Okay, well that's a lie. I'm done my bitching years, except of course to those friends who I rely on, I've bitched enough the time for action is at hand:

What's currently on my plate:

Item 1: Guitar
This is about the most stable persuit of mine, and one that I can fully control. It takes a little bit to get started, the exercises and scales that precede each practice session are the most difficult to get through, but once I've done that and played a few pieces I find myself falling into it. Though my impatient stubborn nature is a demon I think I'll always be fighting with.

Item 2: Work
Progress continues on trying to find a new fulltime job, though I think I may have to bite the bullet and pick up a second part time. Ideally, I'd like to work at Queen Video or something to that extent, afterall I know the product quite well, and it's just a job. I don't want to get stuck in anything.
Bartending is another pursuit being considered, my recent singleness is going to make that something that is much easier to work into my life.

Item 3: Toronto
I hate this city now, can't stand it. I find myself longing to leave, but if that's the right decision, or not, is a question I deal with on a daily basis. I feel as if my leaving would assist me in my growth, but at the same time I ask if I'm just trying to escape my issues here, they would likely end up following me. Needless to say, Toronto is not a city I plan to spend many more years in, and the time is fast approaching for me to move on.

I am still in pursuit of a true career, nursing still sits on my mind heavily, and I vow to make it there. More schooling starts in September, and I am looking forward to that. No more getting sidetracked with stupid crap, that's a personal goal.

Okay, tomorrow is another day, hopefully I can soon pull myself out of this slump.


-T

Hey all.

I'm not a Child Caregiver myself, but I'm posting on behalf of my mother who doesn't have access to the internet like I do;

My mother has been wondering if there is any sort of job or profession whereby a person would go work with autistic, or otherwise differently able'd children. Assisting them with learning and support in their homes. I have suggested she go back for E.C.E like she did when she was young, and I think that if this, or another intermediary process like it is available it would be a good first step for her.
I wanna help her with a nudge (or shove) in the right direction, seeing as I know that's what she's always wanted to do.

She lives in Ontario, Canada, so if any of you have any relevant information I would be eternally grateful.
Thank you, and have a lovely evening.

-T

Yes, I'm posting this on every single one of my blogs.

Watch it, I can't even begin to stress how serious I am about this.

My lovely sister wants her hair dreaded, and is able to pay in the range of 100.00 for the job. She is wondering if anybody knows of any students, or schools that would be willing to do this. Her hair is approximatly 24 inches long, brown, curly and has dreaded easily in the past. Her current head of hair has never been dreaded.

Any help is more than welcome. :)

-T

GRRRRR!

I am entering what one might call my first plateau in playing. My current challenge, which I will assault as soon as I've completed this post, is to be able to pick/strum any string/strings I want whenever I want, however fast I want. This is going to take !A LONG FUCKING TIME! to accomplish, but I will not be defeated. Of course my fret hand seemingly can memorize a chord just by using it in a song or context a few times, but oh no, muscle memory for my left (and dominant) hand is much more difficult it would seem.

I know when and what strings to pluck and strum, the problem is being accurate when not looking. I can maintain rythim almost perfectly, until I hit the wrong string which generally just fucks me right up and I have to start again. Any players on here that might have a few ideas? My current plan is to play extremely slowly, and work that way. I doubt there's an easier way, but it very possibly does exist.

My teacher is a pretty cool guy, and it's entertaining to watch him go off on musical tangents when he shows me the easier, slow way to play something, then gets frustrated going down to such an beginner level and goes off playing something for a few seconds loving every single second of it, the biggest smile you would ever see. I can understand why he does that, music often makes me feel the same way.

Grrr... okay a meme too finish this off, whored from the journal of notawaterimp.

Seven Hobbies/Quirks/Facts about me that you may, or may not know! Typical meme bullshit removed such as "Tag your friends!!!1!1 lolz!" and "oMg LiKe ThIs QuIz Is LiKe ToTaLly KeWl!!!! lolz" removed for reader benefit.

Seven:

1: I am constantly wondering what people are thinking, constantly. Mostly about how close their words are to what their minds trying to say, how many things they are thinking about, if the color red that I see is the same red that they see and what not. The mind being the only thing we can truly hide from each other, it is the unlockable safe in the bank you want to rob, or the mountain that no man has ever climbed. To see inside the head of another, could be a truly terrifying experience.

2: Despite the fact that I tend to keep a slightly messy room. I enjoy organizing things. This is why I love Tetris so much, it's like constantly organizing toy blocks.

3: I believe that existing without trying to make a change is a waste. This is why it is impossible for me to ever have a career in any sort of business, except perhaps leatherwork, specifically the making of BDSM toys. Though that will likely always remain a hobby for myself. I know that for me, the only way to feel fulfilled is to help others. Help is a word I cannot stress enough. I do not, in any way, mean to serve others. I hate serving. Hate it with every fiber of my being. Strangely enough I hate almost every aspect of being served... well with the exception of few risque types of servitude. ;)

4: I am a outspoken atheist. I do not believe in god, ghosts, fae, magic, spirits or anything of the sort. I do accept that there may be scientific explanations for all of the above, but until that time if the scientific method consistantly disproves the existance of these, I will never believe. Even if a god did exist, under no circumstances would I worship it. Nothing, absolutly nothing, and no one on this earth deserves my worship, nor am I deserving of it myself. Kink situations of course excluded.

5: Intelligence and talent are the two most attractive features in a person to me. If one looks at essentially all the people I've wanted in my life it becomes blatantly clear. One of them is on her way to a PhD at the moment, and another I'm sure will become a professional well known performer in the future. This becomes problematic, because often it is intelligence that far surpasses my own that I find the most attractive. So essentially all the women I want really are out of my league.

6: I value my alone time. Living with roommates is actually quite a challenge to me. I don't dislike them in any sense, but when I come home to an empty apartment I feel most content. I often wish that that door wouldn't open until I leave. It is for this reason that my next place of residence will be for me and me alone.

7: I find eastern philosophy to be the most applicable to my way of life. I find it extremely optimistic and relaxing. I use the spiritual references as metaphors for every day life, as they would have been when the words were first put to parchment. Whenever I feel frustrated, as I do now, I remind myself that the mountain was not climbed before the enthusiast crossed the meadow, and that even Hendrix fucked up his picking and strumming at some point. I wish that I had learned that lesson when I was twelve, but it matters not. I know it now, and won't be wishing the same thing when I'm forty.

Anyway, back to the grind... so to speak.

-T

Macintosh is Hate.
*insert over used rainbow profile banner here.*

The Tao Te Ching teachers us that a goal in following the Path, we must do by non-doing.

This statement, paraphrased from the book, is a statement that I live by, and it is the basis for how I approach the different goals that present themselves in my life.
Following it, is a statement going something like this: "To complete the massive, one must begin at the small." It's a really basic lesson when you think about it. Start slow, don't rush, go through all the steps and don't bite off more than you can chew.

And it is only by doing at the beginning, that allows the Master to non-do at the end.
What is non-doing? Non-doing is the sense of acting without acting. Removing all thought, leaving only instinct, one does without actually doing it. Athletes call this feeling "The Zone." The technical term is muscle memory. And though I'm an atheist, I do enjoy the outlooks Taoism has on life, and support those ideas to a degree. This saying helped me believe in myself, and allowed me to figure out what I had been doing wrong all along. I was always attacking the massive. Never devastating the small.

So, I was eager to apply these ideas to guitar. In three weeks, I personally find I've improved considerably, perhaps I'm on crack and my roomie is putting a gun to her head right now, but I don't really believe it. Tonight though, was different.

As I played, I started to just let go, to enjoy the notes, the missed strings, the frets vibrating after I tried to make them stop, and something took over. My fingers began to do the thinking for me, like their were little brains floating around in the tips of each one, my mind was freed from moving the fingers, and I began, for the first time, to sway to the music, and before I knew it I had the stupidest grin you'd ever see. I probably looked like a douche playing guitar hero.
I didn't care though. I didn't let myself worry about hitting the third string, I just redid it instantly until I removed the third string, then I played a song, and the minor pentatonic, allowing myself to let the fingers figure it out for themselves, and move my brain into keeping the melody going. They didn't sound amazing, and there were a lot of missed strings here and there, but the notes required still happened, and in beat, eventually. It was breath-taking.

That was doing by non-doing. It was a very memorable experience, and one I'm going to be persuing.

-T

Text Message from my father this morning:

"How do you tell the sex of a fly?"

Only my dad. <3


-T

But first! ( Collapse )

Now then, let's give this a little try.

The window was click clacking again, ice rain. Boxed up in his own little private space, where nobody touches him, nobody tells him what to do, who to talk to or where to go. The only lights, a black floor lamp with florescent lights spilling brightness onto the silver gray of the closed venetian blinds. One of them stuck, allowing a slice of the nights blackness into the room.
4:41am.
Again.
Always this late, and always when he was exhausted. Paul sat again, cross legged on the bed with his fuck buddy's laptop glowing into his eyes, the words on the screen, top left coner. "Post an Entry - Mozilla Firefox."
Livejournal, what was it about Livejournal? Why couldn't he write in a diary like all the girls he remembered in highschool, or his closest friend Anne, she wrote the most lovely and eloquent diary entries. She had even occasionally allowed him a glimpse into her world. A special treat, for she could be so private.
He missed Anne, and at the thought of her clicked open the MSN window he had opened to chat with her.
Still no reply, his first and only message still glowing there in his signature green text: I miss you.
Of course, though Paul missed Anne dearly, she wasn't really the person on his mind. That was somebody else, a boy, a beautiful boy.
Paul had a dilemma. He could only write when it was late, he was tired and when somebody was captivating his mind, and Atti had Pauls brain in a vice grip. Such a mysterious boy Atti was, so many things that Paul wanted in somebody. There was his physical beauty, which to Paul blew all others far out of the water, but more than that there was something else. Something hidden deep down inside that psyche, a purity of soul not often seen these days. He knew that despite Atti's beauty, Paul would never have a problem trusting him. Loosing him? Now that's a different story, but trusting, never. For loyalty, only given by Atti to the few rare people who truly deserved it, seemed the most concrete he had ever seen.
So Paul typed, he wrote about Atti, though he changed the name and changed the aspects of who Atti was. So when Atti read the journal entry he wouldn't know Paul was talking about him. Counterproductive? Of course. Illogical? Definatly. The right idea? For Paul, absolutly.
Paul's mind kept creeping closer and closer to that god damned word. You know the one I'm talking about, it starts with L. Fuck Paul hated that word so much, all the vulnerability, and openness that came with it. Paul had spent the last four years promising himself that he wouldn't let anybody get that close again, that way he'd never have to hurt like that.
Yet there Atti was, walking right in there without even having to ask. And Paul, at the door to his own heart, begging on his knees for Atti to come inside.
What Paul couldn't wrap his head around, was how Atti had gotten inside so effortlessly. Atti showed almost no interest in Paul at all, save from the occasional hang out or movie. But Paul's friends assured him there was something there, they didn't know what, but they knew it was there.
The cursor blinked and blinked, like the hand symbol at the crosswalk, urging you to stop, but really just making you run faster.
And so, Paul typed, he wrote all the things he loved about Atti, all the magical wonderful things that boy could do, the raw talent that just bled from him, combined with the need for it all to be perfect. It surrounded Paul like Atti's arms would in a world where Paul and Atti were ment to be.

Think about it? Wouldn't you rather love somebody you can't have, than have somebody you can't love?


-T