Laura | X-23-23 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shoplifter) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
deerfeed2020-07-03 04:08 pm
shoplifter) wrote in deerfeed2020-07-03 04:08 pm
TEXT | UN: Laura | cw: child with murderous compulsions, mentions of past child abuse likely
[LOCKED FROM THE FARMHOUSE FAMILY.]
At first I was going to post anonymously, but I know that would not be good.
People need to know that I am a danger.
I think... something is wrong with me. I keep thinking bad things... Like wanting to hurt people. Even people I love. It's not a good feeling, and I get anxious when it happens, and angry. I get really scared and angry, but I've been able to not show it yet.
I don't know what to do.
It says I am an "ultimate weapon". On the Fluid. It says it on the screen, next to that bear.
I don't want to be. I have tried very hard not to be, but maybe I am. Maybe that's just me. Even before the bear, I have always known how to hurt people. Kill them in a lot of different ways. And sometimes when I meet people, I map all of the different ways I can do that, if they try to do anything to hurt me. I know how, and it's easy. And I think that makes me a monster, even if I never wanted to be. Even if I didn't have any choice.
But it's scaring me. Because I love people here. And I want to be good. I want to be something else. I like music and books, and make-up, and I have a real name. And I have a home, and a good family, and a horse. I draw a lot. I have a boy I like. And I've learned how to dance, and I sing sometimes when people are not looking, because I do not like my singing voice. So I don't think I'm a thing anymore.
But I think I'm still dangerous to be around.
I would do anything I can to protect people who give me a chance to be better. I like my friends and family here, so much that I can't hurt them anymore. If I do something bad and put everyone in danger, please put me behind bars. FEAR has them, right?
Lock my hands up, don't let me get out.
At first I was going to post anonymously, but I know that would not be good.
People need to know that I am a danger.
I think... something is wrong with me. I keep thinking bad things... Like wanting to hurt people. Even people I love. It's not a good feeling, and I get anxious when it happens, and angry. I get really scared and angry, but I've been able to not show it yet.
I don't know what to do.
It says I am an "ultimate weapon". On the Fluid. It says it on the screen, next to that bear.
I don't want to be. I have tried very hard not to be, but maybe I am. Maybe that's just me. Even before the bear, I have always known how to hurt people. Kill them in a lot of different ways. And sometimes when I meet people, I map all of the different ways I can do that, if they try to do anything to hurt me. I know how, and it's easy. And I think that makes me a monster, even if I never wanted to be. Even if I didn't have any choice.
But it's scaring me. Because I love people here. And I want to be good. I want to be something else. I like music and books, and make-up, and I have a real name. And I have a home, and a good family, and a horse. I draw a lot. I have a boy I like. And I've learned how to dance, and I sing sometimes when people are not looking, because I do not like my singing voice. So I don't think I'm a thing anymore.
But I think I'm still dangerous to be around.
I would do anything I can to protect people who give me a chance to be better. I like my friends and family here, so much that I can't hurt them anymore. If I do something bad and put everyone in danger, please put me behind bars. FEAR has them, right?
Lock my hands up, don't let me get out.
Text: UN - Runeseeker
I can understand why you feel unable to control yourself. It's probably something temporary, because of what the Bear is doing to us. As much as your fears are real, the problem you're experiencing right now is probably as much his doing as anything.
But I want to talk to whoever you're staying. if you're having trouble controlling yourself, I don't want you just getting snatched without speaking to them, Laura.
[She was also a wee bit concerned they were going to have holding space problems if stuff like this kept up.]
Text.
No.
That would be a bad idea.
We cannot tell the people I stay with about it.
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video; un: detective.loki
Laura, is it?
[He gets that much from her username. His voice is calm; measured to be soothing.]
You're making the best step here. You know what you don't want to do. You don't want to hurt anybody. That's a very good sign.
Where are you right now? Are you somewhere safe? Alone?
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I'm... enjoying the quiet.
[Looking at the background behind her, it seems she's at a park.
It's terribly hot, but at least it's peaceful enough.]
You're the man from Rapture.
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text | un: fuzzyelf - private
text; private
It is getting harder to believe what people say.
What good people say.
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(text) | un: fringebenefits
Look, you're right. You're more than what's been done to you. And you're stronger than this thing, okay? A weapon can be a defense. It can be protection. It doesn't have to be all destruction.
(text)
[Sometimes, her memory is a little too good.]
I don't feel like I can protect anything that counts.
I've hurt people. Good people, here.
They're going to make me hurt people again.
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un: howlett | private
[Like he said before, perhaps not in the most cheerful of times:]
Don't be what they made you. You're still young enough to have the chance I never did. I don't have a hell of a lot of good advice on how to do that, but I can help with what I do know. And by telling you how to avoid some of the mistakes I made.
private
It wants me to hurt everyone.
And lately, even though I don't want to
sometimes I really do want to.
[She almost feels... numb, when she types:]
I could stop fighting the wrong things.
Be a good weapon.
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un: wiccan
[ what can he even say here? ]
whatever it says on your fluid doesn't mean anything. it's just... someone trying to get under your skin.
do you remember when we talked? out by all those fireflies?
you said to me "i don't have to be what they made me".
and you're right. you can be whatever you want to be.
it's okay to be scared.
i get scared too, you know.
i worry that i might accidentally hurt people i care about, too.
i get anxious, and mad at myself sometimes. it's not fun.
but the people i care about, my friends and my family, they're the ones who remind me that i'm okay, or if i'm not okay, that i will be.
you're a good person, and a good daughter, and i'm sure you've got a great singing voice, too.
if you like music, i've got an ipod you can listen to if you want to come hang out sometime
but you've got to promise not to judge me on my music tastes, alright?
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... I would like to learn more about what you listen to.
Have you ever felt like hurting people before?
Like it was something you were... made to do.
Part of you.
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un: eudaimonikos; text; private
I get that too sometimes.
Looking at people and seeing the ways you can hurt them.
I think it's only natural, if you've had to do it before.
[Had to, for him, is questionable as hell, but it seems like kinder phrasing when he has no real idea what this kid's deal is.]
But being a good person isn't about the thoughts you have, it's about the actions you take.
People are only monsters when they do monstrous things.
And nobody's perfect, anyway - the fact that you're trying so hard is enough.
text; private
I have hurt people here before.
I've killed people, at home, too. Lots of people.
They wanted to hurt me, but that does not change what I did.
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Audio; un: darkness
I know exactly what you mean. I was raised in much the same way. I wasn't meant to be a person, merely a tool to be used, an assassin meant to kill and not have any thoughts of my own. But you have given what I was not: a chance to be someone different. You mustn't think in terms of being better because people like you and me aren't ever going to be normal in any sense of the word. But you don't have to be evil or think yourself a bad person who cannot change. You've already given yourself time to grow and that is the most important part.
Audio;
Having a chance to be someone different won't matter if I hurt everyone around me in the process.
... Or worse.
The town, it always wants me to hurt people.
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text; un: jeangrey ( private )
But I understand being scared of what you can do or what you're capable of doing.
And I know it's going to be difficult to believe anything other than the worst sometimes.
So I'm just going to say to you what someone dear to me said about that
it's a part of you and always will be but you just can't let it become all of you.
Because it's not. There's more to you than that.
text; (private)
This month has been
worse.
[Oh, but that topic — it eases something in her, and she smiles, just a little.]
He's just a boy.
But he's a cute one.
And very smart and kind.
He gave me flowers and chocolate once.
Frank is very grumpy about it.
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( video | un: mrs.s )
( dangerous is a different thing but sometimes the most protective people can be a danger to those who would do something wrong, dangerous people can protect people )
I think there's a better way to help you than locking you up.
( video )
Sometimes it feels like too much. To handle by myself. It gets... loud.
[She's not sure how to explain it properly, but this Ultimate Weapon thing has drastically skewed her ability to withhold her feelings, her impulses. It's unsettling.]
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cw: mention of child abuse / self harm
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Text UN: CrescentRose
Just because the Fluid is saying that you're Ultimate Weapon does not meant that it's all that you are.
All those things you just said you enjoyed they're all just as important as that.
I don't think locking you away might be the best option.
But I think we could have a few other people watch out for you during this month.
I'm trained warrior back where I'm from, I could help out if you'd like.
Text
lose myself.
Being locked away might help.
It's okay, I am used to it. I can handle that.
But I would like it, if people watched.
Made sure I do not kill anyone.
I have already killed enough people. I don't want to anymore.
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text; un: clearthestreet
text;
She just wants me to hurt everyone else.
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Private Text: UN: CajunSpice
However it didn't take long for him to know that answer, taking time to work out what he was going to write rather than just rushing into it.]
I've seen her beat this, the you I know, and I know you will too. I know I'm a stranger to you, but even if you're only a fraction of the girl I know, I know you can beat this, and that you're not a monster.
A monster wouldn't be doing this warning. Be concerned over hurting others. I've seen real monsters, those that only leave a trail of death and pain behind them, and you are not one of them. Whoever trained you to be like this in the past is just that, your past, and while it may influence you, it doesn't control you. Not if you don't allow it to.
If you want to talk, let me know. Through here or in person. But locking yourself up, petite, that's a good way to drive a person insane, even if it's your own choice. Plus while this may not sound like a compliment right now with what you're going through, I don't think any cell can hold you, not if you really want out of it.
You're not alone in this, you're an X-Man, which means you will always have your team to back you up. We're here as you need us.
Private Text.
I can handle it. Being locked up.
If I knew it was for everyone else's safety.
They could drug me. It's how Transigen kept me from getting out before.
[She's honestly not so sure how she'd react to reliving it, but...
It's better than killing her family and friends.
She pauses for a moment, and doesn't end it there.]
I'm not your Laura.
What if I am not as strong as her?
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TEXT; UN: Northstar [PRIVATE]
You are dangerous. But so am I. So are a lot of us. A lot of people are probably going to say that it's okay, you'll be fine, you won't hurt anyone. But I think you and I both know that we could hurt people, and very badly. So we'll do what we have to to get you through this. If that means locking you up, we will.
You are such a beautiful little girl, Laura. You are strong, and clever, and funny. I don't know if you realise how special you are, not because of what you can do, but because of who you are.
I will help you if you wish me to, Laura.
TEXT; [PRIVATE]
Maybe it's just hard to think passed what is happening in my head.
I know being locked up will be hard if I have to be. If I start hurting people.
But I will do whatever I need to, to take care of everyone else.
That is what an X-Man would do, yes?
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text; UN: foundinme - private -
I think you are being very brave, for posting this.
I know that you don't know me, not really. But you were very kind to me when I first got here, Laura.
Knowing how to do something doesn't make you bad. You're right that you're not a thing.
No one has the right to tell you who you are. No one has the right to say you're a 'what.'
I'm glad that you have people that you love and trust here. You know what I can do. If you think it will help to have me around when this place is messing with you, we can do that. I'd like to get to know you a little more anyway. I'd love to see what you draw.
text; - private -
I would like that.
Having people around who can stop me.
I just don't want to hurt you by accident, too.
X-Men hurt enough.
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text; un: castiel
It's why you were given free-will.
text;
People have taken it before.
What if people take it here?
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Text; UN: Atsushi
But first thing is first; He can't leave her alone.]
Laura, right?
Have you been able to get in touch with someone who can help you?
Text;
Some of them are against my idea, but they want to help.
It's better than nothing.
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text; un: no
[That counts as reassurance, right? Totally.]
If you try to go after me, I won't lock you up, I'll just take you down. No biggie.
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Just don't tell anyone you did it.
I would not hold a grudge, but I know some who might.
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text; un: littlealbatross
"Ultimate Weapon", right there next to the bear. On my Fluid.
Endless training, how to hurt how to kill how to find the best points to cause pain how to make them bleed bleed bleed. Dozens of people covered in blood and I'd never remember a thing. Wake up and be told I did such good work.
Show me off like a dog.
How do we stop it? How do we stop being weapons?
text;
I'm worried there isn't a way.
You don't remember?
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un: harbinger
And he hesitates, too, in answering this, in offering--because he also knows what it's like to be dangerous to be around, even when you don't want to hurt anyone. When you would do anything to keep people around you safe.]
instead of locking yourself up
what if you stayed around someone who's pretty tough to kill
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I heal. From most things.
Back home, I healed in minutes. Sometimes seconds.
Not so much here.
whoops meant to make this private
private it is!!!!
/o/
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(text) un: bblock / private.
nobody deserves to be treated like a weapon, and i think this place is messing with our heads again.
you're not a thing. you're not a "thing," just because someone told you that you were.
i have to believe that.
private.
The town always knows how to remind me I am not.
What did they name you?
Your title.
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(text) un: dustbuster / private.
[there was a point here, he had one, but his line of thinking got derailed by the thrill of feeling like she might like him back the way he liked her. how does one do the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing?]
i don't want you locked up but if you're locked up at FEAR i can at least keep you company.
laura are you gonna be okay? is that bear thing is it hurting you?
private.
[She manages the smallest smile, after she types that.]
I don't know if I'm okay. The bear is doing something to people.
I'm scared I will hurt my friends. Family. I could really hurt you, if I am not careful.
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