A look in the mind of DeepFire...

Had icky dreams last night, couldn't nap...lost time inbetween watching Evita and talking to J. It's been a huge roller coaster day. I think at this point I'm just numb.

Well, I figured out finally this morning why I had such a horrible night last night despite the sleeping pill. I forgot to take my pain pill. Ugh, I have more pills I have to take all the time. I'm so tired of them. Sadly I still need all of them most of the time. The pain pills, well, just need those because I'm not ready to go through withdrawls just yet...not when I don't know what kind of shape I'm going to be in once I start back to work.

I had a really nice day today. I went and paid my insurance, just so happens that an ex-coworker than I absolutely adored still works there and she took me to lunch. We talked for a couple hours and I think both of us were really relieved to see that it doesn't matter how many months we go without seeing eachother, we're just as comfortable talking as if no time at all had passed. She's a really special lady. Then I went to the other insurance office I worked at (since they're only a few minutes apart) and found out the same is true there. Lesley and I picked up where we left off and spent a couple hours catching up on everything....sometimes I miss the relaxed atmosphere of those offices...then I remember the stress of being an insurance agent and really have no desire to go back to all that. Besides, if I hadn't quit insurance I would never have been able to have my surgery and be able to take this much time off work and still be getting paid on some level. So there are definate benefits...and too, I don't miss havint to stress about work even at home. I don't have repeat clients any more, don't have to worry about papwerwork and files and such...I get to leave all that to others. I just have to deal with what's in front of me and move on for the most part. Every once in a while there's some one with a knotty problem to work out, but it rarely extends past the next business day. I like that...a lot.

Guess it's just got me missing that close knit work enviornment, but then again there are a whole world of other problems that go along with it. Better to just associate with x-coworkers outside of work, heh.

And *happy dance* J is back home and hee, says that he's going to come out to go to a wedding with me in October!!! I'm /so/ excited!!! Not only do I get to see J, I get to have a wonderful person to take to the wedding with me (something all singe people dread going to alone)...life is good...for the moment anyway, heh.

Don't you just love my little roller coaster? Up and down with the emotions. At least we're on an upward trend today...content for the moment kind of thing.

Don't know what happened, but the sleeping pill I took last night didn't work...I'm more exhausted this morning than I was yesterday after a completely and totally restless night.

On the plus side though, J is finally back home so I won't be going through withdrawls from not talking to him as often as I was used to. Got to talk to him for a couple hours last night and then again briefly this morning. Yay! I missed him lots n lots, I guess I've got it bad, eh? Can't wait to see him, he's going to try and make it out here in time to go to another friends wedding with me...he's such a sweetheart.

I'm going to do some stretching exersizes today and start on my body flex video tomorrow I think. With the kink I've got going on in my neck today I don't think I'm up for too much more. Grumble, this is rather annoying. Especially when I have errands that have to be taken care of today. Ah well.

I'm trying to decide if I should go apply for foodstamps while I'm on disability...that way I can get some help until I'm better able to get things under control in my life and quit having to depend on the generosity of others to be able to get by. Not sure what I'm going to do just yet...we'll see how it goes. Although I should probably make the decision soon...it's hard, I guess I don't want to admit that I'm in that bad of circumstances, heh. I also need to just suck it up and talk to Kent about the reduction in child support...maybe he'll surprise me and be cooperative, but I doubt it. I also need to find out what to do to file the hardship case so he can't come back at me for back support for the months I've been off work. God, life is complicated...and I'm running out of time to get things finished up and taken care of. Bleh. It all just makes me want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my head till it all goes away.

Can't do that though, more is the pity. Ah well, one we go...

Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way. Maybe I should just say fuck it all and move back in with my mother. No more trying to survive, no more crying alone all the time. Oh sure, I'd probably want to slit my wrists within a month, but hey, that's a month reprieve, right? I could get a uhaul and pack up all my stuff and even get a trailer to take my car for less than $200. I could just walk away from everything, all my bills, all my problems. Hell, if it got too much to live with my mom I'm sure Jenny would take me in for a while. Something has to give...something has to change. I can't do this any more. It isn't worth it to try and make it on my own any more. I can't keep doing this.

Alright, I think I'm ready to give up now. I have fought for how long to get them to set up my direct deposit? So I check today to make sure it is set up and...yes it is, but it doesn't go in till the 28TH!!!! I would have had the money sooner if they'd have mailed the check to me!! Good grief I'm so incredibly frustrated right now I could scream! I mean, how ridiculous is that? You'd think if they're going to mail you a check on the 22nd they'd to the direct deposit at the same time, wouldn't you? Or at least within a day or two...bleh. It just sucks...thank god I got money from a friend, my insurance payment on my health insurance has to be in by the 1st and the only option is to mail it. I'll be just shy of enough for that, but maybe where it has to be mailed it will work out and not hit till then. Last time I mailed it it didn't go through till the 1st. My car insurance payment is due today as well...grumble. Just going to have to not drive for a couple days, good thing I know how to work the system, they won't report me for no insurance to the DMV till it's been 7 days past due. It just isn't fair. It seems like every time I try to make my life easier with something, something else leaps in and adds another hurdle.

I have been so lucky the last little while to have the support of some really wonderful friends. It's come at a time in my life that I've really needed it, hard as that is for me to admit. Just when I think things are so desperate that I will never be able to make it, one of them comes along and makes things better...not perfect, but just the whole thought that things are a little easier and don't have to be so stressed is /so/ amazingly wonderful. I don't know what else to say but thank you. Yes, I'm talking to you ;-).

J is going to be in Texas for 4 days...Texas...so much closer than Indy yet still impossibly far away. What is it with Texas? Master is in Texas and now J is going to be in Texas for 4 days...pout. I want my J!

On the plus side, my disability has been approved through September 6th, to give me time to get to the doctor and see what he says on the 4th. She even found my direct deposit paperwork so says that it should all get set up and be direct deposited...dare we hope?? I won't hold my breath, but it would be so nice. Now if I can just get this to go through till my boss is back in town everything will be awesome.

Need to go drop off my paper for the special desk at work. It's all coming quick. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

I just love a good storm. We don't get them here often, but every once in a while it just pours...and the thunder and the lightening...mmmmm. Had the most amazing lightening storm with the rain...it was nothing to see 4 or 5 bolts of lightening in the sky one right after the other...went on actually for a good hour. Still sprinkling a bit, but drat it all, have the kids and they're not asleep so I can't go walking in it. It cooled things down enough that I turned off my airconditioner and opened up the door. Feels a little humid inside, but outside is awesome. No point in using power I don't have to at this point.

Meg never did make it over to my house today. I hope she had fun. I realize that she's getting to that age when it's too good of a thing to pass up to be without her sisters...and to be brutally honest, I don't miss the chaos that occurs when I have all three of them at the same time. It'll be sooooo much better when I can move into a two bedroom apartment with a good sized patio. One can go to their room, one on the patio and one in the front room...ah...even leaves my bedroom just for me, what a delightful thought.

*sniffle* Jason and I haven't been able to talk much the last week...one or the other of us has either been busy or too tired to talk much. Heh, after talking for almost 8300 minutes last month, this month isn't going to come close. Thank god for unlimited sprint to sprint calls. I can't wait till he's here, we have so many of the same things that we seem to enjoy, it's going to be nice to have some one to share those things with. I still get all teary when I think of romantic picnics and camping and such...sigh...someday better come damn soon!!

Hmm, trying to decide if it is worth the fight to go in there and put the kids back to bed AGAIN or if I should just stay out of it and let them tire themselves out. Maybe we'll get to sleep in tomorrow...doubtful, but possible.

Ah...sleeping kids and sex and the city dvd's...and all this after a great storm...sometimes life is good.

I really hate this time of the month...grrrr...hard to get motivated to do anything, have to get things organized so that I can pick up the kids...I feel like I haven't had any recovery time. I shouldn't need it, it isn't like I'm working or anything, just still not at 100% energy and health-wise.

I've got to get organized too and get the rest of my stuff listed on ebay. And Woo! Paypal just gave me the motivation I need...they're going to give 1.5% back when ever I use my paypal debit card like a credit card...I pay for everything with my bank debit card, can't be too hard to just transfer the money to paypal and use that one instead! I'm really liking this, every little bit helps! I mean, admittedly, they do charge me to take a credit card payment, but this more than makes up for it...especially if I start paying almost all my bills that way. The day is definately looking up. If anyone is curious about paypal here's a link (Silly I know, but they're pretty awesome in my book right now) https://www.paypal.com/refer/pal=Y…

Hmm, having issues with Megan. She's growing up and I hate it. Little miss Hormonal and I'd rather be with my friends than my mom right now. Ah well...it happens and I knew it was coming, just hit a little sooner than I was expecting. And really, it's for the best that I only have two of them right now. I don't deal well with all 3 when I'm pmsing and all that. And there really is less chaos when Meg isn't here too. Kristin and Bridgit play together a lot better when it's just the two of them.

Hopefully all will work out well.

Hmm, kinda frightening how close these hit to home sometimes...


! You are most Like A Sapphire !
Dark, mysterious - but unforgettable. You have a
deep
beauty. Delicate, and shy you try to stay away from
the
limelight but often your intelligence puts you in
at the
deep end. You're like a Sapphire, because, your
beauty is priceless.
You're intelligent, full of opinions, and not big-
headed about it all.
Sometimes you need to put yourself out there, as
you can be a bit shy.
Congratulations ... You're the mysterious gem
everybody wants to have and learn more about.


?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
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