Dear You

How do I build the courage to ask you the questions I want to ask.

And why does it feel weird asking you for help.

All I can think about is how selfish you are, you had all the time in the world to prepare but didn't care to. You're throwing your life away while I'm trying to build mine. If you knew you didn't want this why did you build this. Why did you start this. Expensive gifts, huge allowances, false plans, they don't work anymore because I've grown up and I see you for who you actually are now. 

When people ask me why I don't want to start my own family, get married or have kids my mind darts to you and I instantly answer "I don't care for it" because one thing I've learnt from you is how to stay away from things I cannot nurture or maintain, how to stay away from things I know deep down I don't care about. That's what I wish you done. What's worse is that there's still time to fix this but I know you just don't care. 

I wish you cared.

The only way I can start my life is by letting go, but I can't do that when you hold me back, I can't let go when I have nothing of my own. Why have you left me to save myself?

Let's see ... You've met my family ✅
And they all like you--which I never doubted. Yes, even my dad.

I cannot wait to meet your parents--they apparently ask about me a bit. One day, we will meet. I know it is harder because you don't want me to arrive on a day when everyone is already upset with one another. But I understand, Parkinson's is a hard disease.

Last weekend, you and I had an unexpected Saturday off together and we capitalized on it. We spent the day going to St Louis, looking at hobby shops. It poured, we got a little soggy but we had so much fun just enjoying one another's company. Pizza Hut really hit the spot. And then we went to one of your favorite spots to watch for trains--we saw 2.

Next Tuesday, I took a vacation day and we can go do something together again. I think I might celebrate your birthday then, just the two of us, a little early. I have never been so excited about celebrating someone's birthday or the upcoming holidays . I cannot wait to wake up Christmas morning and have a small, quiet morning with you before we join our families. I have already started making a small Christmas list for you.

The day I left was hard. Almost one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had to pick up my entire life and drag it across the country to escape your hold over me. You never did love me because love isn't control. You loved the idea of me and the idea of our relationship. 

I'd been told you had a new partner and my heart hurt. Not because of jealousy or anger, but fear for what you might put this next woman through. If anything I hope that she's treated well and with infinitely more respect and care than you ever gave me. I hope if you tell her you love her they aren't just empty words with no actions to back them up. I hope that she never has to spend nights awake worrying about what you're actually doing, why you're suddenly offline and not replying anymore and nowhere near our house.

I'm actually truly free now though. Since leaving I have made many new friends that care about me and respect me more than you ever had. I've gone to countless raves and music festivals that you'd continually tell me I'd never be able to handle. I'm no longer held back by you. No longer made to feel small and worthless. The people in my life build me up and in return I build them up. 

You can't tear me down and hurt me anymore, and I truly hope you've changed since I've known you. Nothing would make me go back to you, nothing would make me even want to LOOK at you again. But I do truly hope you're a better person now for her sake.

Sincerely,
Someone who actually cared

i love you so much you're gen my favorite person ever i never ever wanna lose u

So it is happening! You managed to tell your parents you need Saturday free and you are going to meet the rest of my family. I am excited to finally get the chance to show you off. I know they are going to really like you. And I honestly am excited to spend time with you (it has been a few weeks and I have missed you) and see you integrate with my family.

Dear everyone,

I have a plan.
Like, a real one. That could work out really well. It's so much more than just hoping for the best and crossing my fingers.

I have a plan.

🖤,

Heather